[Haruhi (AU) / Doctor Who] Anywhere in This World (Mikuru-POV)

[Arakawa]

Okay, I found a Japanese edition of the novels, and the word used to describe Disappearance!Mikuru is 見知らぬ which obviously has absolutely nothing to do with foreign-ness. It has to do with the fact that Kyon doesn't know her. And yet it got translated as 'foreign'.

Whatever translation team did my English version is not very good.

[Muphrid]

Which part of the novel is that in?  I think I'll check my copy when I get home for that part.

[Arakawa]

This is immediately after Kyon's first meeting with the alternate Nagato, after she hands him a sign-up form for the literature club. He then goes on to sum up the situation he's found himself in:

I grew silent, Nagato-style. In many ways, it turned a little cold. There was a limit to all my faked courage.

Nagato had turned into a bespectacled book-loving girl. Asahina-san had turned into a foreign senior. Koizumi had never transferred to North High, probably still studying somewhere else.

What on earth was this?

[Brian]

Foreign can also mean 'unknown'.  Contamination is usually because of 'foreign' elements, for example.  It doesn't actually have to mean 'culturally' or 'racially'.  In context, this instance of Mikuru is foreign compared to the one he knows.

Somewhat related: I remember when I was very, very young being confused by an interview on television with an illegal alien (described only as 'alien').  My four-year old mind couldn't understand how the public did not yet know we'd already gone past a first-contact situation.

Oops?

[Muphrid]

Yeah, using "foreign" in that context isn't wrong, but the phrasing they used could've been sharpened quite a bit.  Asahina had turned into what, a stranger, right?  I can't think of anything more simple or straightforward than that.

[Arakawa]

Okay, here's the second part of Chapter 2 (attached at the top of the thread, as opposed to here).

As you might guess, I had the chapter written a while ago, and spent most of my time banging my head against the characterizations. Still not entirely satisfied. My concern is that the variant of Haruhi presented here is far too unlikable compared with the one in Chapter 1. If you find her comparable to year1!Haruhi, then I'll know I need to do a few more rounds of rewriting. This would actually be a good thing about which to be arbitrarily brutal in your commentary :-$

EDIT: (remembers that Year1!Haruhi was effectively a molester) Well, I didn't mean in that sense, but you get the gist of my fears.

[Muphrid]

I had to lean against my knees to catch my breath a little, while Haruhi just tossed her hair back with her hand dramatically, all the while wearing a downcast, Saturnine smile.

Leaning against knees, so she's...what, doubled over?

Repetition of "while," also.

"... but seeing as you at least brought a book by the right author, I'd be quite happy to sign it for you! ..."

It seems odd that this woman (who seems to be the author) would refer to herself as "the right author."  Perhaps "a book I wrote" or something?

"Exactly." Haruhi rejoined, taking large bites of her current slice of cake. "He just sidled up out of nowhere and started bitching about his life and how awful his boss was, and eventually I snapped and shouted at him that she couldn't be all that bad to justify wasting my time with his complaints. He asked 'would you like to see for yourself?' and I barged in and discovered that his boss was actually an alien. At which point we caught the thread of a huge, messy interplanetary conspiracy which we followed across twelve different star systems, right back to Earth, to Peru..."

I think you want "Exactly," instead of period (full stop, etc.).

"The only equipment you really need -- duct tape for taping up what shouldn't be moving but does, WD-42 for greasing what should be moving but isn't, and a dual-adjustable tuning fork to resonate things that refuse to resonate properly." Haruhi explained as though rattling off a memorized joke, "More complicated repairs you probably want to leave to a specialist."

WD-42?  Eheheh.

"Acknowledged."

Seems an odd word for any of the players to use here.

"I never understood how you managed to adapt that recipe from 'so awful my life was flashing before my very eyes' to 'refreshingly light and fluffy' in the space of fifteen minutes." Jon wondered.

And "minutes," probably.

"Unfortunately, there's something else we need to check before that." Jon added.

And "that," as well.

"Prostethic knee." Haruhi explained to me without missing a beat.

And "knee,".


Oh, clever clever.  We don't actually see what's going on.

I think Haruhi's behavior here is excusable here, given that we're catching her at a different time and we know that eventually she'll act differently.  Jon seems a reasonable "companion" for her as well.

Dumont seemed to be talking a lot like an interface.

[Arakawa]

I had to lean against my knees to catch my breath a little, while Haruhi just tossed her hair back with her hand dramatically, all the while wearing a downcast, Saturnine smile.

Leaning against knees, so she's...what, doubled over?

I see that did not come out at all right.

Will reword!

"... but seeing as you at least brought a book by the right author, I'd be quite happy to sign it for you! ..."

It seems odd that this woman (who seems to be the author) would refer to herself as "the right author."  Perhaps "a book I wrote" or something?

Yep, that's Mrs. Dumont for you.

What's off is that this makes the reader doubt for a second that she's the author, I guess? This is (I now realize) easily fixed by actually having the people in the lineup do something and pay attention to this woman that arrives (and act slightly taken aback that she singles out Haruhi for some reason).

I think you want "Exactly," instead of period (full stop, etc.).

Judging by how frequently I did that, I was having a bad comma day :-/

WD-42?  Eheheh.

Was that a bit too much, I wonder? (Especially with the subsequent Silence in the Library shout-out, couldn't help myself >_<)

"Acknowledged."

Seems an odd word for any of the players to use here.

Hmm... the characters here might disagree. They tried to act in-character on previous occasions and it led to some fairly epic and pointless arguments.

I'm not sure whether to change it or not....

I think Haruhi's behavior here is excusable here, given that we're catching her at a different time and we know that eventually she'll act differently.  Jon seems a reasonable "companion" for her as well.

I just figured out why Haruhi kept refusing to be written likably in this one.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The situation that I'm failing to get across (even to myself >_<) is that she's tired out and stressed as hell from unintentionally finding herself in episode 10 of a Doctor Who season, and so her default action is to snap at everything. She runs off to the book signing as a once-in-a-long-time opportunity, having misjudged her ability to actually be polite to the author (then again, she wasn't expecting to be suddenly engaged in conversation by her!), out of nowhere she runs into Mikuru, realizes it would be horribly unfair to take the easy way out and edit Mikuru's memory, but she didn't know anything about the Bureau (not even their original time period, prior to encountering Mikuru!) and thus can't judge the consequences if she lets Mikuru out of her sight and Mikuru ends up knowing something she shouldn't. She can't stop and talk things out with Mikuru right at the moment, so she ends up having to drag Mikuru around with her. (Obviously all of these "can't"s can be solved with sufficiently out-of-the box thinking and Haruhi's powers, and -- not spoiling much -- Haruhi realizes this by the end of the chapter. This is why having to split this in three parts had felt slightly awkward at first...)

None of this is helpful in terms of having an already-borderline-jerkass character come across as likable. My worry is that she would appear to have actually regressed in comparison with, say, the Haruhi in novels 9-11.

It's actually pointless to compare her with Year1!Haruhi, of course. There's the simple fact that Year1!Haruhi was sexually harassing Mikuru and this one isn't, for one...

So now that I'm more aware of this dimension of things, I can write it into the chapter a little more explicitly so that it becomes obvious why Haruhi's behavior seems so blunt and inconsiderate.

Dumont seemed to be talking a lot like an interface.

Spoiler: ShowHide

*giggle* I think I nailed the right mixture of obviousness and opacity for this particular plot element, then. That's good... if it was too obvious, it'd ruin the punchline in Chapter 3...

Thank you very much for that C&C; it seems to have jogged my brain nicely on some of the tricky issues I was facing, and therefore was supremely helpful :-)

[Arakawa]

I just figured out why Haruhi kept refusing to be written likably in this one.

And now I've figured out why my first idea as to how to fix this is fundamentally wrong. Essentially, the fix I suggested (play up the 'Haruhi is tired and stressed out' angle) would work if I was trying to get it across that Haruhi is currently floating somewhere on the INTP end of the personality spectrum, but given that such a notion has absolutely nothing to do with either Haruhi or the Doctor... the more I think about it, the more wrong it seems, actually. Sure, a Haruhi stressed out as all hell might display some staggering dysfunctions, but as written they're ridiculously close to the sorts of dysfunctions I'd display in a similar situation. There's probably more suitable characters to use this sort of approach on.

So this has to do with thinking I've been doing regarding my most recent spectacular failure of empathy on the forum, actually ._. -- my own character is a discussion for another time (namely for when Brian logs on and needs to consider the question of whether he's willing to tolerate my further presence here), but essentially that incident has given me an important bit of feedback as to precisely how I'm Doing It Wrong (in writing as well as in personal interaction), at a spectacular cost.

This also means that a bit I thought was fairly strong (Haruhi giving an obfuscated description of her current situation), is actually insanely OOC, but in general this portion of the chapter is going to need a lot more work than I previously thought.

[Muphrid]

Do you think that the core trigger (her being stressed out and irritable) is what to keep, or was that principally to fuel the reactions she had to it?  If the former, then this is a way for Mikuru to understand Haruhi's character better, and any choice is a valid choice (provided you feel it's consistent).  If the latter, then that can be sticky, since if you decide those reactions are out of character, it will make you restructure things a good bit.

...well, that's how I see things generally, anyway.  I'll be interested to see how you're thinking of revising things.

[Brian]

So this has to do with thinking I've been doing regarding my most recent spectacular failure of empathy on the forum, actually ._. -- my own character is a discussion for another time (namely for when Brian logs on and needs to consider the question of whether he's willing to tolerate my further presence here), but essentially that incident has given me an important bit of feedback as to precisely how I'm Doing It Wrong (in writing as well as in personal interaction), at a spectacular cost.

*eyeroll*

Arakawa, if I had a problem with you being here, believe me, you would know.  I left to clear my head out, and to encourage you to stay, because you're a valuable member of the fanfiction community here.  In fact, I still am grateful to you for providing Muphrid with C&C, as I cannot!

I may be vexed, but still appreciate your contributions on behalf of others.  Considering that all of the conflict is between you and I specifically, wouldn't it be more logical to think that I'm the one with issues, not you?

--I'm not back, because I have to do a lot more thinking, but I can't leave you feeling or thinking things like that.   Makes me feel ill.  -_-

Let me be the emo drama queen on this one; you continue being a functional, contributing member of the scene.

It needs you.  Just like I happen to need space at the moment.

More will have to wait until some future junction; in the meantime, let me thank you again for your commentary elsewhere, and apologize if my reactions have impacted your writing.

* Brian vanishes again.

[Arakawa]

I may be vexed, but still appreciate your contributions on behalf of others.  Considering that all of the conflict is between you and I specifically, wouldn't it be more logical to think that I'm the one with issues, not you?

It's a complicated issue. Sure, I'm aware of how you've reacted in the past to other people vexing you, but I also seem to have a set of personal flaws that, unless I watch them carefully, seems custom-designed to trigger a reaction in you. However, they aren't likely to be pleasant for anyone else to deal with, either. I can certainly see calmer people than you just talking to me, running into the same problems, and quietly deducting a point or two in their estimation of me before quietly resolving to avoid me in future. In that sense, I can definitely admire that fact that you don't hold your opinions back.

On my end, when you're in the mood, I definitely owe a clear explanation of what I like about your writing that makes me interested in coming here to C&C it, among other things. I did make it through all 48 chapters of K:BDH so far, for instance, while quitting other superficially similar epic-length nakama-fests by other authors partway through out of sheer indifference (thinking in particular of such stuff as the Shinji-warhammer fusion, Partially Kissed Hero, &c &c), so from where I stand you seem to be doing something very right that the other authors aren't bothering to do.

And I did consider joining Soulriders based solely on the fact that you mentioned it as a smaller and more constructive community than ff.net, so hopefully that's an action which speaks to my respect of you.

--I'm not back, because I have to do a lot more thinking, but I can't leave you feeling or thinking things like that.   Makes me feel ill.  -_-

Ah... that was not the intent here. I was trying to figure out whether you would feel relieved or not if I were to limit my presence on the forum for a while (was still going to update my own story and comment on Murphid's no matter what though, since you'd essentially bowed out of those threads earlier on). I seem to have guessed wrong :-|

More will have to wait until some future junction; in the meantime, let me thank you again for your commentary elsewhere, and apologize if my reactions have impacted your writing.

In this case the impact is going to be for the better, actually, but apology gratefully accepted since your response makes it much more clear where I stand right now.

On to writing.

Do you think that the core trigger (her being stressed out and irritable) is what to keep, or was that principally to fuel the reactions she had to it?

The point that I was trying to get across is that after rereading my most recent fragment, I noted that a bunch of my own negative traits had crept into my portrayal of Haruhi, to such an extent that it indicates I haven't thought the character through and I'm sort of defaulting to a couple of stereotypes and a healthy dose of projection. A couple of the dysfunctions displayed here would probably be more interesting on some other character, say, Koizumi.

(... that's a definite character discussion thread entry in the works, by the way.)

Now as for who this Haruhi really is, the whole fact that she apparently has Time Lord biology at this point does give me a lot of leeway in terms of characterization. (For people unfamiliar with Doctor Who, she would effectively be the same character as in chapter 1, but as though played by a completely different actress doing a completely different interpretation, resulting in a different exterior personality.) However, if I'm going to have an incarnation in this chapter who is an inversion of canon!Haruhi in some aspects, I need to figure out some intentional logic according to which I can do that.

I can probably do this relative to a few fixed points: she's probably feeling quite aimless and bitter, is playing a Doctor Who-type scenario she doesn't really care about (which isn't even brought about by her powers; however, she's not inclined to break the rules at this stage to get out of it), she's somewhat nostalgic for her Brigade days (probably to the extent of looking at them through rose-tinted glasses), and also I happen to know what her previous Time Lord incarnations were doing. I just need to express all this in slightly more Haruhi-like fashion.

Which might not diverge from the current chapter that much, but it's really the feel of the thing I need to fix, not so much what she does during the chapter. It's important to get the characterization right here, because in the next segment it'll probably make the difference with Haruhi coming up with an ingenious, well-intentioned, and slightly-flawed plan to make Mikuru's life better (without having to forcibly retcon her entire timeline, which would be tantamount to erasing the Mikuru she knew from existence in favour of an 'improved' version -- yep, Murphid, you did point that out on 'the Coin' thread as something that might not be a good use of Haruhi's power), and communicating it to Mikuru properly, or with Haruhi coming up with the same plan, now appearing well-intentioned but completely misguided and heading into total squiiiiiiick, with Mikuru having the wrong impression about what's going to happen based solely on Haruhi's attitude.

I don't know, wild, whirling words. You can tell I'm still wrestling with this.