[Haruhi][Rewrite] Later

[sarsaparilla]

Incidentally, did you draw that Sasaki avatar yourself?

Concerning my old avatar, although I kind of admire the PSG sisters for the fact that they are openly what they are and do what they want, they are also pretty horrible persons through and through, and having one as my avatar could give the wrong impression....

Yes, I decided to draw something more appropriate. When I was small people kept saying that they could immediately tell that a particular drawing was made by me because the drawings 'felt like me', and if one looks past the superficial, physical appearance then this avatar does indeed embody some essential aspect of me so that I can recognize myself from it.

Thanks for noticing!

[Arakawa]

When I was small people kept saying that they could immediately tell that a particular drawing was made by me because the drawings 'felt like me', and if one looks past the superficial, physical appearance then this avatar does indeed embody some essential aspect of me so that I can recognize myself from it.

Well, I have no way of telling if that avatar is 'you', and I had no idea who the PSG sisters were, but that last avatar felt much more like a wall. That said, both the old one and the new one clearly convey the fact that there's going to be a certain melancholy quality about your writing.

[Brian]

And here's a revised chapter three.

Um.  I don't know why, but I have a lot less confidence about this chapter than the previous one.  Erg.

Edit:  Moved file to first post.

[sarsaparilla]

On the whole I see this third chapter as a logical continuation of the previous one and can't see any obvious weaknesses. Kyon's and Nagato's relationship is rather unique and portrayed in an admirable, sensitive manner. However, it looks quite clear that the one who has grown the most during the intervening years is Haruhi. I don't know whether it's an intentional, hidden metaphor or not but this Kyon feels somehow like one of those bonsai trees that he's tending.

There is one transition that appears rather abrupt to me, between the section where Kyon and Nagato spend their first night together, and the following one where Kyon tells about his apprenticeship at Kurama-dera. While the latter section kind of ties itself into the previous topic at the very end, I spent most of the section trying to reorient myself with the thrust of the story. A lead-in sentence or two at the beginning of the second section might bridge the apparent gap in the flow of narration.

Kyon's decision at the end appears somewhat sudden. It feels like there's more to it than what he is willing to reveal at this point, but I must assume that there's room for substantiating it further in the following chapters.

Beyond that a couple of minor language issues:

preform -> perform

And I am not so stupid as to realize that any respectable woman would find that quite difficult to accept.

It looks like this sentence is either missing one negation or having one too many if Kyon is trying to say what I think he does. Maybe something like:

And I am not too stupid to realize...

[Brian]

On the whole I see this third chapter as a logical continuation of the previous one and can't see any obvious weaknesses. Kyon's and Nagato's relationship is rather unique and portrayed in an admirable, sensitive manner. However, it looks quite clear that the one who has grown the most during the intervening years is Haruhi. I don't know whether it's an intentional, hidden metaphor or not but this Kyon feels somehow like one of those bonsai trees that he's tending.

There's a more obvious metaphor about the exact same thing at the start of the next chapter.  Of course ... that's not the entire story, but I can't explain more without spoiling things. @_@

Hopefully, you won't hate me for chapter five's ending. >_>;

There is one transition that appears rather abrupt to me, between the section where Kyon and Nagato spend their first night together, and the following one where Kyon tells about his apprenticeship at Kurama-dera. While the latter section kind of ties itself into the previous topic at the very end, I spent most of the section trying to reorient myself with the thrust of the story. A lead-in sentence or two at the beginning of the second section might bridge the apparent gap in the flow of narration.

Yes; you correctly spotted what used to be two separate scenes, inexpertly stitched together.  I had originally written every scene with dialog in present tense, and all non-dialog flashbacks in past tense.

That ... was a bad idea. -_-

That's also why the structure of those two halves jars; I'll revist that and polish it up a bit, since it's obviously still pretty weak.  I think the natural bridge is Kyon's actual troubled thoughts when he wakes up, until he gets sent to the temple; unfortunately things are a bit hectic here suddenly, so I won't have real time to work on that for a few hours....

And in fact will be slowing down in general for a while. >_>;

Edit: Okay, I misunderstood which section you were thinking of there.  I see what you were getting at now.  I added a few times to address that. :p

Kyon's decision at the end appears somewhat sudden. It feels like there's more to it than what he is willing to reveal at this point, but I must assume that there's room for substantiating it further in the following chapters.

Hmm.  I'm not sure about this one.  It is a bit sudden, because it's Kyon's impulse to run away again -- he tries to do something constructive with that urge (after Nagato's advice) and settle for going to visit Koizumi's grave.  The critical difference is that he waits until Haruhi's out of town, so he's not just doing it to avoid her (and that's part of why Nagato played the Kintaro card).

So, I don't mind that it feels sudden, but I don't want it to feel unnatural.  I'll have to think about that.

Beyond that a couple of minor language issues:

preform -> perform

And I am not so stupid as to realize that any respectable woman would find that quite difficult to accept.

It looks like this sentence is either missing one negation or having one too many if Kyon is trying to say what I think he does. Maybe something like:

And I am not too stupid to realize...

Oops, a spelling error. >_>;;

And, okay, I will clean up that last sentence.  I'll try and clean this chapter up again and repost it tonight; no promises on later (haha) chapters for a few days until things settle down at work. ^_^;;

Edit: That sentence wasn't so bad; the 'realize' should have been 'miss the fact that'.  You were correct, and that was the missing negation. :p

As always, thanks for the feedback; your insight is greatly appreciated.

[Muphrid]

I'm hard-pressed to remember a time when Haruhi demonstrated reluctance to impose on others, but then, it's not fair to think she hasn't changed. She has calmed down, at least, and stopped cursing at me, which is nice.... The bonsai are fine, anyway -- conditions haven't changed, though two of them need water. Once that's taken care of, I can leave.

I don't recall if that was there before the rewrite, but Kyon remarking on Haruhi's language is a good touch.

"O...oh," Haruhi says, frowning. "Shoot.... I had kind of hoped that meeting would be more cheerful than this. Is it that I am somehow responsible for this unhappiness?"

Something I noticed when I was reading back in this passage (actually intending to pick at the use of "smaller woman" and then "shorter woman" within a few lines of each other) is that here, Haruhi has several opportunities to use contractions but doesn't.  It might make the last sentence a touch less fluid than it ought to be, but this is nothing that jumped out at me right away, so keep that in mind.

It's the latter, naturally, though she does hold out until she finishes her tea. "Okay," she says with a sigh. "I'll tell you what happened to me after you ditched me, but you have to tell me how you met up with Yuki-chan and Tsu-chan." She grimaces, shaking her head. "Nagato-san, I guess, now."

Since Haruhi refers to her as "Yuki" above, this "Yuki-chan" may feel a bit off.  You seem to use the latter more consistently than the former, though.

"A few months after that, we kind of ... sort of just ... fell into going out, I guess. He stuck with his classes, but I couldn't really focus enough for school that year. Maybe if it had just been you ... or just Yuki-chan ... but both of you, ditching me like that...." She sighs and drinks her hot water, making a face at it before washing the taste away with a mouthful of tea.

"Ditching" may be the way it feels to Haruhi, but it strikes me as a self-centered word to use.  Perhaps something more neutral?  "Ditching me" -> "disappearing" or "taking off"?

On reflection, the subsequent paragraphs may do well enough to give proper context that a change isn't needed.

"W...well, Koizumi's health ... started failing around then. He was subtle about it, but I could tell; it was almost like there was a direct link! I'd get frustrated, not say anything to him, and a day or two later, he'd be worn out and exhausted, but insist on trying to do something fun and exciting with me anyway -- slowly wearing himself down.

On reading "it was almost like there was a direct link," I feel like I've been hit with a 2x4 made wholly of dramatic irony.  Not a bad feeling, but oh boy...

"He kept running off anf vanishing more and more every time I got frustrated.... Like when I turned angry, he was running off to someone else! I didn't ... take the thought of that as well as I should have, I'll be honest. I accused him and demanded an explanation, because last member or not, he's always been the one I thought hid the most from me.

It kind of bugs me that Haruhi would figure out the basic causation and frame it that way.  Not knowing why Koizumi is running off, I'd think she'd be more likely to draw a link to something more concrete or tangible.  You say they don't really fight yet, so it wouldn't be that, but...

To be honest, I'm not really sure what you could connect Koizumi's constant disappearing to that would make sense.


Overall, Koizumi's new story feels better.  I do think there are some things that can be melded a bit better.  Haruhi remarks how, at the class reunion, she berated herself on not realizing Koizumi was sick, but she already found him to be tired or worn-out before.  Granted, she didn't think he was sick at the time, but she did see signs and in some sense, it would make sense in retrospect.  Something I find unsatisfying, though, is that Koizumi does indeed just perish off-screen.  That may be unavoidable; it's difficult to get a sense of what kind of toll his body was taking just from dealing with Haruhi, especially since she doesn't understand the real reason for it.

Other than that, sometimes Haruhi feels like she's speaking in a way that's a lot more flippant or casual than her actions suggest (for example, when Kyon offers his handkerchief--the dialogue at that point didn't give me a great impression of solemnity or struggling to hold the emotion in; then again, Haruhi's not really about holding things in, is she?).

I hope to get to chapter three tomorrow.

[Brian]

"O...oh," Haruhi says, frowning. "Shoot.... I had kind of hoped that meeting would be more cheerful than this. Is it that I am somehow responsible for this unhappiness?"

Something I noticed when I was reading back in this passage (actually intending to pick at the use of "smaller woman" and then "shorter woman" within a few lines of each other) is that here, Haruhi has several opportunities to use contractions but doesn't.  It might make the last sentence a touch less fluid than it ought to be, but this is nothing that jumped out at me right away, so keep that in mind.

Really.  Hmm.  I frequently use a lack of contractions in a given character's speech to make them seem more formal, so I guess I subconsciously slipped into that here, trying to make Haruhi seem like she was trying to be extra polite.  It didn't translate too well, it seems.

Yeah, I'll make her dialog cleaner and move that to body language. >.>

Since Haruhi refers to her as "Yuki" above, this "Yuki-chan" may feel a bit off.  You seem to use the latter more consistently than the former, though.

It should be 'Yuki', so I'll update everything to that, except (probably) Haruhi's very first one, which I'm fine with being an affectionate slip on Haruhi's part.

"Ditching" may be the way it feels to Haruhi, but it strikes me as a self-centered word to use.  Perhaps something more neutral?  "Ditching me" -> "disappearing" or "taking off"?

On reflection, the subsequent paragraphs may do well enough to give proper context that a change isn't needed.

I think Haruhi's still entitled to a little bit of lashing out there.  Um ... I'm trying to convey that Haruhi's angry and trying not to be -- and Kyon accepts the anger she's not trying to show (but appreciates that she doesn't harbor a grudge).

So, this is kind of the last of her anger before she goes more into melancholy.

"W...well, Koizumi's health ... started failing around then. He was subtle about it, but I could tell; it was almost like there was a direct link! I'd get frustrated, not say anything to him, and a day or two later, he'd be worn out and exhausted, but insist on trying to do something fun and exciting with me anyway -- slowly wearing himself down.

On reading "it was almost like there was a direct link," I feel like I've been hit with a 2x4 made wholly of dramatic irony.  Not a bad feeling, but oh boy...

"He kept running off anf vanishing more and more every time I got frustrated.... Like when I turned angry, he was running off to someone else! I didn't ... take the thought of that as well as I should have, I'll be honest. I accused him and demanded an explanation, because last member or not, he's always been the one I thought hid the most from me.

It kind of bugs me that Haruhi would figure out the basic causation and frame it that way.  Not knowing why Koizumi is running off, I'd think she'd be more likely to draw a link to something more concrete or tangible.  You say they don't really fight yet, so it wouldn't be that, but...

To be honest, I'm not really sure what you could connect Koizumi's constant disappearing to that would make sense.

Yeah -- I need to make it clearer that Haruhi only knew about Koizumi falling ill in hindsight -- but then, that makes Kyon a bit slow not to pick up on the clues.

With the 'cheating' accusation, I was trying to have Haruhi present something she didn't believe in as an accusation, with the expectation that he would admit to whatever the lesser (actual) thing was.  Um....

Overall, Koizumi's new story feels better.  I do think there are some things that can be melded a bit better.  Haruhi remarks how, at the class reunion, she berated herself on not realizing Koizumi was sick, but she already found him to be tired or worn-out before.  Granted, she didn't think he was sick at the time, but she did see signs and in some sense, it would make sense in retrospect.  Something I find unsatisfying, though, is that Koizumi does indeed just perish off-screen.  That may be unavoidable; it's difficult to get a sense of what kind of toll his body was taking just from dealing with Haruhi, especially since she doesn't understand the real reason for it.

I think the best route is probably just to have Haruhi be totally unable to figure it out, and just let the frustration develop over the fact that she there's something he doesn't/won't trust her with.  Then the breakup can be as amicable as possible considering that Haruhi feels that there's a divide between them -- and guess that he was 'running off' to visit a doctor and just didn't want her to know (for whatever reason).

Other than that, sometimes Haruhi feels like she's speaking in a way that's a lot more flippant or casual than her actions suggest (for example, when Kyon offers his handkerchief--the dialogue at that point didn't give me a great impression of solemnity or struggling to hold the emotion in; then again, Haruhi's not really about holding things in, is she?).

I think I'm okay with her in that part.  This is hitting her pretty hard emotionally, so....  I think if she were more honest about her feelings (and older) this is about how it would be?

Mph.  It may be off, but I'm willing to let it go for this particular Haruhi.

I hope to get to chapter three tomorrow.

No rush; it may be a while before I can revise the bit about Koizumi (yet again :p).

Thanks for the feedback!  I'll hammer a good story out of this yet. :D

[Muphrid]

For chapter three:

"Ah ... well, actually, that's an interesting story," I acknowledge. "Wanting to help, Tsuruya-san found a retired bookstore owner who was familiar with the business to show Nagato the ropes. Nanase-san was more than just a retired bookstore owner, though; she was an editor, as well.... So Nagato and Nanase-san became friends, and Nanase-san suggested that Nagato might enjoy editing and publishing more than managing a bookstore.

Perhaps no comma after "editor"?

"I see," Haruhi remarks, giving me a strange look. "I guess that makes sense.... And really, that's even better, because it means things started to get better for you even before I saw Withering Vines.... I have to ask a question of you, Kyon. I've been trying to figure this out but -- you're still.... You and Yuki are really only just friends?"

Yuki(-chan) again.

"Well," Haruhi drawls slowly, "I actually met him a long time ago.... It just so happened that I sat behind him in class -- in high school -- and--"

My sister's shocked squeal of joy would have been heard even without trying. "Haru-nee!" she cries. I can imagine her practically kicking my kotatsu to one side as she tries to tackle Haruhi in a hug. "Oh, it's been so long-- Do you know where Mikuru-nee is?"

Ah, I was really looking forward to revisiting this scene.  It's still a lot of fun to read.

I take a moment to enjoy the cool air, surveying the dimming horizon as the sun descends in the west, behind the skyline. It's gotten colder, though, and I still don't have a coat, so I don't lurk for long, as amusing as it might be to try and eavesdrop on Haruhi. Come to think of it ... Haruhi and my sister had been fairly close at one point. How was it that they didn't stay in touch?

Something I noticed on a second read through this sentence is the proximity of the "don't"s to each other.

Of course, my parents wouldn't have known where I was, then, and by the time I hesitantly contacted my sister, she was already in her own senior year of high school.... Like me, she never went to college, but I don't know that she ever wanted to. She met someone in high school while she was in middle school, and astoundingly enough, with relatively little drama, they dated until he finished college -- and then they married.

It took me another look to figure this out--i.e. oh, the guy was in high school, and she was still in middle school, right.  I don't know how that could be made any clearer than it is, though.

Yuki considers this for a long moment. "I ... did not know."

"Yuki," huh?  This is a lapse, but whether it's Kyon's or yours...

"As long as you are there, it is fine," she says, sounding more confident.

Nagato closes up her bookstore as Tsuruya's limousine pulls up in front. Kintaro's mother exits the vehicle with a tired, worn smile, waving at the pair of us. "How is Kin-chan?" she asks.

I always take notice of transitions, but this seems to lack some fluidity, as we go from a private conversation back to the big picture so rapidly.


I was a big fan of the relationship here between Kyon and Nagato, and I still am.  It's unique, and while the nature of it still gives Kyon an out to pursue a relationship with Haruhi, it's not heavy-handed the way some writers might be tempted to make it.  Especially from Kyon's perspective, he wouldn't go out of his way to justify why his relationship with Nagato isn't a sexual or romantic one.  By this point, it is what it is.  And it's good it's painted that way.

[Brian]

Perhaps no comma after "editor"?

Good call; dropped.

Unless I commented, I used all your grammar suggestions.

Yuki(-chan) again.

Yeah -- next sweep I'll have Haruhi consistently refer to her as 'Yuki.'  Not sure why I dropped the ball on that one.

Ah, I was really looking forward to revisiting this scene.  It's still a lot of fun to read.

Glad you enjoyed it.  I liked the interaction between Kyon and his sister.  :)

Something I noticed on a second read through this sentence is the proximity of the "don't"s to each other.

Changed the first to 'I'm still not wearing a coat.'

It took me another look to figure this out--i.e. oh, the guy was in high school, and she was still in middle school, right.  I don't know how that could be made any clearer than it is, though.

Me, either, without spending more time on it. :x

"Yuki," huh?  This is a lapse, but whether it's Kyon's or yours...

Mine. :x

"As long as you are there, it is fine," she says, sounding more confident.

Nagato closes up her bookstore as Tsuruya's limousine pulls up in front. Kintaro's mother exits the vehicle with a tired, worn smile, waving at the pair of us. "How is Kin-chan?" she asks.

I always take notice of transitions, but this seems to lack some fluidity, as we go from a private conversation back to the big picture so rapidly.

Hmm, yeah, this one could use some work.

This was also originally two separate scenes, I think.

I was a big fan of the relationship here between Kyon and Nagato, and I still am.  It's unique, and while the nature of it still gives Kyon an out to pursue a relationship with Haruhi, it's not heavy-handed the way some writers might be tempted to make it.  Especially from Kyon's perspective, he wouldn't go out of his way to justify why his relationship with Nagato isn't a sexual or romantic one.  By this point, it is what it is.  And it's good it's painted that way.

That's one of the few parts of the story that I really haven't revised much at all; it just seemed to work.

Now if I can just get the rest of it to work, too....  >.>

I haven't revised chapter 2 to fix the bits with Koizumi yet, but I have fixed Haruhi calling Yuki 'Yuki-chan.'

Chapter 4?

[sarsaparilla]

This one is harder to assess because it seems to lay some foundations for the rest of the story, and because I don't know how all the moving pieces will eventually fit together I'll probably have to come back to this chapter when the story is complete. I see that you have propagated some changes from the previous chapters and worked them into this one but I can only know that through reasoning, as the new material blends seamlessly with whatever is left from the previous version. The narration flows naturally throughout the chapter, and diligent background research is apparent, as always.

Overall, I have an impression that the chapter is one sort of a turning point between backward and forward looking parts of the story, and it introduces elements that are darker than in the previous chapters. The atmosphere is changing from melancholy and nostalgia to foreboding.

A couple of typos:

stoodd -> stood
sid -> said

[Brian]

This one is harder to assess because it seems to lay some foundations for the rest of the story, and because I don't know how all the moving pieces will eventually fit together I'll probably have to come back to this chapter when the story is complete. I see that you have propagated some changes from the previous chapters and worked them into this one but I can only know that through reasoning, as the new material blends seamlessly with whatever is left from the previous version. The narration flows naturally throughout the chapter, and diligent background research is apparent, as always.

I actually got the name of the train platform wrong, originally. >_>

I should thank Hal for helping me get that right. :p

I was worried about the tense changes, but it seems they worked for you, so that's a relief. X_x

Overall, I have an impression that the chapter is one sort of a turning point between backward and forward looking parts of the story, and it introduces elements that are darker than in the previous chapters. The atmosphere is changing from melancholy and nostalgia to foreboding.

Hmm.

That's not entirely intentional, but putting that flashback there makes it unavoidable, I think.  Hmm.  You've pointed out something I did with this story I didn't even realize....

Well, that's fine; I'll just need to remain aware of that moving forward.  Excellent.

A couple of typos:

stoodd -> stood
sid -> said

Heh ... a little embarassing that so many blatant typoes got through this late in the game.  Those suggest I didn't even remember to spellcheck.  Next time I'm up until 1:00 AM, I'll just save it and come back to it the next day. :p

Okay -- thank you very much as always for the feedback. :)

[Brian]

And ... chapter 5.  This may be rougher than I like, too, but I seem to be saying that about everything.

[sarsaparilla]

So, chapter 5.

There is a bit of a lull in the narrative around the tanuki incident. While it fits in and ties naturally to events around it, at the same time the amount of detail feels somewhat excessive in relation to the overall story arc. Maybe it's just me and my style of using action mainly as an excuse for carrying out the necessary amount of contemplation. Other than that part, the story proceeds from one strength to another. I'm immensely enjoying every conversation between Kyon and Haruhi.

On the actual content:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Some time after reading chapter 4 I suddenly realized "Oh my, Kintaro is Kyon's son!" I don't know whether you intended it to be visible that early but you certainly wrote it in all the way, and at the beginning of chapter 5 I was happy to see that I hadn't been imagining things.

Then, I guessed Haruhi's pregnancy at the point where she talked about her figure with Kyon. Considering what we had been told before, that was perhaps even more obvious than Kintaro's situation. My personal take on this chapter, then ...

We still don't know exactly what are the motives and objectives of IDSE but all the other elements seem to be pretty much open to inspection. For the main characters, it's a sad case of musical chairs. I can't properly express how sorry I felt for Haruhi at the end of the chapter, that after all those years she still has feelings for Kyon and that despite all her powers she now finds herself in a most vulnerable position. And as I have said, I find Haruhi most sympathetic when she's not invincible.

You warned me about the end of this chapter earlier but that was a completely unnecessary measure, I found it the most moving part of the story so far.

Although there is a certain amount of symmetry that can be appreciated in the situation, I'm still secretly hoping to see a time-traveling surprise by the end of the story...

Didn't spot any typos this time!

[Muphrid]

Some belated feedback for 4:

After what rest I got -- not quite enough -- I tried thinking about things with Haruhi. Really, I'd been doing that a lot, lately, or trying very hard not to. Making myself try and face the problem head-on was a lot like taking a greenhouse sheltered sapling and then planting it on the slope of a mountain. Not being acclimated to the bitter cold and high winds, the plant breaks or dies back heavily, and takes years to recover from the stunting.

Perhaps remove the comma before "lately"?

Who to blame for that, though?

I think I understand what you wanted to do here, but I kind of want to say "who's" instead.

That sounds eminently reasonable, to me. Another of those tiny steps.

This comma might (I emphasize might) break the flow.  If you prefer it, I suggest, say, "at least to me".

Tsuruya's smile vanishes as she looks up at the sky thoughtfully. "I suppose so.... I didn't know him terribly well. For whatever reason, Mikuru-chan didn't speak about him much. Anyway, would you bring him flowers from me, when you go?"

I think you said you were going to stick with "Mikuru-chan" throughout, but in case you didn't, pointing this out.

"I'd like to think I'm wrong, too, but forewarned is forearmed."

Is there a saying to this effect in Japanese?  Though really, how can one completely avoid English-language sayings and idioms in a work?  It'd be entirely too constraining, I think.

The picture is typical Koizumi. Older than when I saw him last, but far younger than me, now. He looks perfect as ever in his nice suit. I guess it's from the time he and Haruhi were working together, but there's no date on it, so I can only wonder.... Some part of his smile looks genuine enough that I think that must be it.

Do you like the comma after "far younger than me"?

He had a large frame, and I wouldn't have described him as handsome by any stretch. Even dressed in the traditional outfit, he didn't appear noble to me. Dark eyes, dark hair, and a smile like a politician's. No ... phonier by a huge stretch. If that weren't enough, Tsuruya's father, either through ignorance or pride, bestowed a sword upon his new son-in-law as a wedding gift. It has long been held that receiving a blade as a wedding gift would bring bad luck.

Nodoka: Akane-chan, you don't think it a bad omen that I gave you and Ranma my katana, do you?  This Zen person thought it was a wonderful idea...

She laboriously lowered herself to sit on the edge of the porch, legs dangling over the walkway. "Hey, Kyon-kun," she said, her voice rough. Her eyes closed and she tilted her face up towards the sky. "How is your writings?"

"How is" -> "How are"?

Just as I reached the conclusion that I would die there, a familiar voice spoke from somewhere behind my head. I coukld hear it despite the fact that I couldn''t pick out the sounds of Tsuruya's fight with her husband.

There's an extra apostrophe in "couldn't".

"Unpredictable reactions result in more diverse data sets," Ryouko noted.

First-name basis now?  Elsewhere too, though a find-and-replace would fix that if it's a mistake.  If not, I won't point it out further.

K-

You deserved better, and I know it's late, but even this late, you're often in my thoughts. I miss you; I miss all of you. I wish you were still with me for this, but since you're not, I hope wherever you ended up....

Be well, wherever you are.

-S.

Interesting that it would be addressed and signed (if I read the implication correctly) with family name initials.

"Troubled?" I ask, wondering what she made of the entire thing. She has been to a funeral with me once before, but neither of us felt much inclined to visit the grave of Tsuruya's husband afterwards.

Ah, so he was officially declared dead?  I hadn't remembered that.


The previous sympathetic view of Koizumi fits much better with this contemplative journey to his grave now, and with Haruhi's note at the grave, it reinforces that Haruhi is in looking for support.  Hence, I think it's all come together a bit better than I remember.

[Brian]

So, chapter 5.

There is a bit of a lull in the narrative around the tanuki incident. While it fits in and ties naturally to events around it, at the same time the amount of detail feels somewhat excessive in relation to the overall story arc. Maybe it's just me and my style of using action mainly as an excuse for carrying out the necessary amount of contemplation. Other than that part, the story proceeds from one strength to another. I'm immensely enjoying every conversation between Kyon and Haruhi.

I don't want to overly defend the style I'm using for this story; it's meant to be much more meandering and contemplative.  Some of it is to make certain clues left earlier less obvious (and others more), and some of its just because that kind of felt like the next scene to write when I got there.

So, it's ... slow, and probably from a technical standpoint this story could be trimmed down a lot and vastly simplified.  So, this one's much more about the style/delivery than anything else. :x

On the actual content:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Some time after reading chapter 4 I suddenly realized "Oh my, Kintaro is Kyon's son!" I don't know whether you intended it to be visible that early but you certainly wrote it in all the way, and at the beginning of chapter 5 I was happy to see that I hadn't been imagining things.

Then, I guessed Haruhi's pregnancy at the point where she talked about her figure with Kyon. Considering what we had been told before, that was perhaps even more obvious than Kintaro's situation. My personal take on this chapter, then ...

We still don't know exactly what are the motives and objectives of IDSE but all the other elements seem to be pretty much open to inspection. For the main characters, it's a sad case of musical chairs. I can't properly express how sorry I felt for Haruhi at the end of the chapter, that after all those years she still has feelings for Kyon and that despite all her powers she now finds herself in a most vulnerable position. And as I have said, I find Haruhi most sympathetic when she's not invincible.

You warned me about the end of this chapter earlier but that was a completely unnecessary measure, I found it the most moving part of the story so far.

Although there is a certain amount of symmetry that can be appreciated in the situation, I'm still secretly hoping to see a time-traveling surprise by the end of the story...

Hmm, for that part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

 I'm pretty happy with the pacing on the clues about Kyon being Kintaro's father.  Some readers didn't get it even after this, because it wasn't spelled out enough still. >_>;

Some of the particulars about it were really fun to write; I tried to have Kyon be exactingly precise and technically honest in his thoughts about it.  But he's always careful to consider the guy as 'Tsuruya's husband' and not 'Kintaro's father.'

As for the clues for Haruhi's pregnancy, I'm pretty happy with how that works out, too, since it allows a lot of the previous bits that seemed meaningless to suddenly take on new significance ... or at least, I can hope!

Didn't spot any typos this time!

Hooray for that, and again, thanks as always for the commentary!