[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 50

[Brian]

Okay -- it's a bit rushed and has some flaws; mostly a middle scene mirroring a later scene.  There's other details that could be much better, too.

But I'm trying to get myself back up to a reasonable writing speed again, so....

>_>;;

Edit: Ignore the header. <.<

[Halbarad]

Corrections inline, as usual. =)

[Muphrid]

That plus the paunch he'd developed from working his way up as an accountant....  To say nothing of the lack of hair years of stress and poor genes had gifted him with.  He didn't fit the appearance of a yakuza, as much as a somewhat disheveled salaryman.

"lack of hair years of stress" didn't read as intended on first look.  Maybe add in a "that" in between?

He hesitated, and Hiko fought down a smile, raising his eyebrows and thinking of a noodle place nearby.  Not controlled by the Yamiguchi-gumi, last he'd checked.  "Hey, talk about it over dinner?" he offered sympathetically.  "I know how that can go -- but I still have to make a late appointment tonight with my boss."

This is still Hiko talking?  WHy does he seem to indicate he can't go to dinner right after he offers to?


I don't know what to think of this passage.  Kunikida comes off a bit clueless or at least too engrossed in drowning his sorrows to think about (a) spilling his guts to a stranger and (b) taking a careful look at who this stranger might work for.  Granted, Hiko's less garish attire may attenuate the latter point.

She broke off from that thought as she walked into the classroom with her distracted boy friend.  He was going on about that same job when she spotted Kyon, sitting at his desk in uniform and looking a little more worn than she expected.

Boyfriend?

"'Too many bullets,' you complained," Haruhi retorted, unable to keep her grin from widening a little.  "It's a magic blade that can banish evil spirits and only causes normal people intense discomfort -- that seems to fit perfectly!"

It feels a little weird, having "you complained" right next to "Haruhi retorted"?


Eheh.  Kanae's drawings and the reactions to them are golden.

"The physical existence of this current space is located at a node between two parallel membranes of this meta-dimensional object."

Putting my physicist hat on, I would suggest "higher" instead of "meta".

"Within the manifold exist subordinate spaces," Yuki continued, "such as the closed spaces that Suzumiya Haruhi once created, the persistent alternate reality created last December, and more exotic spaces formed by Suou Kuyou, Suzumiya Haruhi, Sasaki Sasaki, or others."

"Subordinate" is a fine word, but you can consider "subspaces" instead if you like.

"There are also volumes within the manifold that are empty, allowing the continued evolution of the Calabi-Yau manifold into different shapes.  While all of these spaces and potential spaces exist in a single contained function -- a 'reality' -- this present awareness and existence is an immeasurably insignificant fraction of all that potential and probability."

Optional: volumes -> hypervolumes, function -> metric?  (function doesn't really make sense there), all that potential and probability -> all possible configurations (combinations)?

"The meta-reality occasionally entangles smaller, subordinate existences within the 'Combine' hyper-function -- their relative analog of a Calabi-Yau manifold.  The extra-dimensional membranes between the meta-reality and the subordinate realities collapse, merging the subordinate existences into the meta-space."

Okay, you have "meta" in a lot of places, so maybe replacing it before is unwarranted.  We might have to talk about what you mean by "hyper-function" (and "function" before) for me to relate what you're saying to jargon I'm more familiar with.

Hm, I guess you can use analog that way.  I'd always thought analogue and analog were different, but dictionary says otherwise.  Learn something new.

"Well, then, if you've made that by Friday next week, your father will teach you how to drive as a reward for being such a well behaved son!  After all, you've ... only ever done the best you could, right?  Even if ... you're in a situation that would make <em>any</em> sane mother fear for her child...."

Is it "well-behaved"?

[Empyrean]

Hi guys, new at Soul Riders from the TV Tropes forum.  On to the feedback!

Ignoring them and their conversation, Mikuru and Tsuruya were engaged in giggling and pretending not to read further, respectively.

Maybe switch the order that the names are listed.

She frowned, opening up her design par,"

Her what?

The Combine perforate their Chorus for transfer of matter/energy and probability -- spin and string -- through this space.

So matter/energy is spin, and probability is string?  It seems like they were used the other way around previously, e.g. "Kuyou observed, senses filtering in every vibration in the surrounding corona of atoms: the merest, faintest wisps of oxygen, hydrogen, other trace strings spinning in known chords and notes."  I'll have to go over it again.

"Maybe," Yuki allowed after a pause.

Just saying "Maybe" would be a first for Yuki.  She usually goes with "Possibly" instead.  I'm not sure if that's just an oversight or if you want to show her moving a little away from her Spock Speak.

I really don't want to go through it with this one.

I'm not quite sure what this means.  He doesn't want to go through dealing with feeling bad about damaging another reality?  It's not very clear.

The chapter itself had me cracking up quite a bit.  The sketchbooks were hilarious, especially Kyon's reaction to everyone apparently knowing how big his junk is and discussing it in front of him.  I suspect we're in for a mass Touhou cosplay and Haruhi telling her friends that she's in lesbian with Kanae.

Are you sure that the sword can't be named after the one from the Song of Roland?  I think that's a fine name for a sword, and we could maybe get away with adding the Creator Cameo to the tropes page. :)

[Dracos]

Welcome to the boards, Empyrean.  Have a good time here :)

[Agasa]

Hiko-san isn't interested in Dungeons, Dragons or roleplaying in general, i suspect, so this line:

The stories also said that Kowa-Keigo-Kyon had summoned a demonic assistant composed of fire from the depths of the plane of yami.

feels a bit out of place, namely the "plane of yami". First of all, it would be Yomi, if i remember correctly, and second "plane" is a term i never heard used outside of roleplaying in this sense.

Maybe he's got an interest in European medieval cosmology. It happens.

Try "dephts of hell" or "depths of Hades" if you want to go fancy (except that i think Hades was actually cold. Ok, scratch Hades).

EDIT:

"Maybe," Yuki allowed after a pause.

I agree, this sounds a tiny bit out of character. It's not that bad, but you could try "Possibly", i guess.  I doubt such small difference would have any bearing on an hypothetical japanese translation, so all in all, it's somewhat of a moot point.

[Empyrean]

I've heard of "planes" used in reference to medieval cosmology, coincidentally where my username comes from.  I'm pretty sure D&D picked up "planes" from the same place.

"Yami" means "darkness".  I think I've heard "Yomi" refer to some hell equivalent, but Google Translate suggests "読み" and tells me that it means "reading", so I don't know about that one.

[Specular]

Haruhi's energy was running lower than it should have been, considering how comfortably she had gotten to sleep the night before.

I know what that means: Offscreen Moment Of Awesome :(

He looked around, seeming to realize with annoyance that he was the last to arrive. The only members of the club who seemed not to be rattled or shaken by the constant chattering of their classmates were Yuki and Koizumi, the pair sitting at the table with a chessboard between them.

That was a bit of a surprise, but Haruhi turned her attention away from the esper and the alien, moving to the back of the classroom and pacing before the window, arms crossed over her chest. The curtains had been drawn, presumably to keep out anyone who was trying to stare inside, and Haruhi didn't feel like throwing them open. Kanae was slumped over the table, covering her head with both hands while Tsuruya and Mikuru -- on either side of her -- patted her back.

"clubroom" instead of "classroom".

It's probably nothing but I can't help but wonder about the sitting arrangement. If Kanae, Tsuruya and Mikuru are sitting in a row, how is possible that Yuki and Koizumi are sitting at the same table with a chessboard between them? It should be too uncomfortable if they are sitting across the long side of the table. Perhaps one of them sat at the head of the table and the other at the side with the chessboard placed diagonally near to the corner of the table or maybe Yuki and Koizumi are using that small round table where Yuki leaves the books that she is currently reading.

"Maybe size isn't the right word," Kyon joked weakly, pointing at Ryouko's small form.

Blinking up at him, she cocked her head to one side, looking mildly puzzled.

Kyon is a lot more relaxed around Ryouko. That's nice. :)

"And the sword?" Haruhi pressed. "Named after a legendary magical blade, right? Like, from some ancient legend – a weapon from the battle of Troy, and featured in the 'Song of Roland'!"

"Somehow, that particular name felt overused," Kyon said, shaking his head.

xD

Tsuruya snickered, straightening the hat on her head out and giving Kanae a final comforting squeeze before setting another sketchbook before her. "Grass cutter!" she teased.

"Not bad -- but you should call it, 'Hakurouken,'" the brigade chief declared, grinning. "How's that sound?"

Did Tsuruya suggest "Kusanagi"? It makes a lot of sense considering her upbringing.

Hakurouken... Dual Wielding?

The Brigade chief's expression soured further. "So we can protect ourselves and can't help them?" she groused. "That sucks! I don't want to win a war like that if we have to hurt people!"

*rises eyebrows* I didn't expect that, but it makes a lot of sense in Haruhi's case. Similar reaction to Kuyou's "What is 'innocent'?"

"Pretty impressive for someone they just found out was free today," Kyon said after watching the last envelope fly out and smack into his chest, bouncing off and then drifting to the floor.

That can be interpreted in two non-mutually exclusive ways: the boys of the school think that Haruhi is a lot nicer than before or they are assuming that Haruhi should be vulnerable in that situation.

I wonder if there will be a reaction to the rumors of the engagement from the girls who thought of trying to confess to Kyon.



I love the scene at the end with Kyon and his family.

I think I'll need to reread the explanation about the Combine and the mechanics of realities more carefully before making a comment on it.

Good to know that the world of the fourth novel is still around. If there is ever a need for a shorthand name for K:BDH!world and The Disappearance!world I suggest Earth′ (Earth Prime) and Earth″ (Earth Double Prime) respectively, as a shoutout to the TV series "Sliders".

Mixed feelings about Slider!Kuyou (the "Other") Posthumous Character status.

I suspect we're in for a mass Touhou cosplay and Haruhi telling her friends that she's in lesbian with Kanae.

I'm not sure that Yanagimoto and Sakanaka would buy it. To their eyes, Haruhi is really in love with Kyon and I don't think that they would be convinced that Haruhi just shifted her interest to someone else, especially after Haruhi revealed that she already knew about the engagement. A "bi the way" approach?

"Yami" means "darkness". I think I've heard "Yomi" refer to some hell equivalent, but Google Translate suggests "読み" and tells me that it means "reading", so I don't know about that one.

Yomi → よみ:

陰府 [よみ] /(gikun) (n) path to the netherworld (underworld)/Hades/Hell/
黄泉 [よみ] /(n) (1) Hades/hell/underworld/
読み [よみ] /(n) reading/(P)/

Why is "reading" even in that list? O_O

[Halbarad]

Yomi → よみ:

陰府 [よみ] /(gikun) (n) path to the netherworld (underworld)/Hades/Hell/
黄泉 [よみ] /(n) (1) Hades/hell/underworld/
読み [よみ] /(n) reading/(P)/

Why is "reading" even in that list? O_O

Because you entered simply 'よみ' as the reading, and that's a valid definition. 'よみ' (also written as 読み) is one form of the verb '読む', which means 'to read'; you usually see this referring to on-yomi or kun-yomi, which are the Chinese and Japanese readings for kanji (respectively).

Other terms for hell would include 'makai' (魔界) or 'jigoku' (地獄). Makai refers to a place where demons/oni/other evil spirits or youkai live, while jigoku is more towards the Western concept of hell - a rather unpleasant place where the dead go for punishment for their sins in life.

[Brian]

Corrections inline, as usual. =)

And a response that's slow, as also usual. >_>

Speaking of which, if I didn't comment on a suggestion it's because I used it. :)

Spoiler: ShowHide

I somehow doubt she'd still be referring to Yamane on a first-name basis after all he's done, and it took me a second to make the connection. I'd consider switching this back to Yamane.

Good point!

>> Reciprocating what? Talking about what happened?

I'm ... no longer sure what my intent was here.

Oh, there was the fact that Kyon hadn't returned to class the previous day to answer questions, but what could she do about that?

>> Technically she didn't let it slip, she just confirmed it too quickly.

Is her follow-up line about feeling responsible not enough to justify this one?

>> Last reference to Mikuru was also as 'time traveler'; maybe switch to something else?

How about "self-appointed 'elder sister'"?  Fits a bit better for the context, too. :3

>> 'Cap' doesn't really fit here, since that implies a fairly small hat (which a witch hat is not). Maybe a conical hat instead to avoid repetition?

Oops.  Okay, how about:

Haruhi blinked, raising one eyebrow and lifting the brim of her stolen headgear to peer at the embarrassed girl.

>> Forced a grin -from- her face?

Clarified a bit, maybe:

All eyes had gone from the first year student to her, and Haruhi forced an amused grin from her face, not wanting Kanae to think she was unsympathetic.  Even so, she couldn't prevent herself from cheering, "That is so cute!"  Shaking her head and trying to force herself to calm a little, she clarified, "They think you've got a crush on me?"

>> Understand why 'Jump' is capitalized here, but it's never really been formalized before and looks slightly odd.

I was kind of afraid of that. :\  How about:

"Gah!" Kanae's sempai cried, dropping the sketchbook in his hands and moving to stand in the corner in a flash as fast as the use of her own powers, his eyes wide.

>> It's a cute joke, but I think it may be taking things a bit too far. Rest of this scene seems okay though.

Dunno if cute's the word. >.>;

But, yeah, I was worried a lot of this could be over the top, including what Kanae drew at all.  So if that's the only point it went too far, that's awesome.  I dropped that one part, since I don't want to be too silly contrasting their next (more serious) discussion, as far as this goes anyway. >_>

>> Not sure what word you were going for with 'par.

Pad! XD

>> Might be worth using 'overtones' as a reference here, if you're familiar with the concept.

Brilliant. O_O

The dark-haired interface supplied, "Shadow songs; overtones; echoing at the fringes of the Chorus."

>> Might be helpful to clarify this as the reality from December.

Okay!

Kyon looked about to retort something, but bit his tongue.  A moment later he allowed, "I don't like to fight, but I know what you mean.  It was hard enough thinking I might have destroyed that other reality in December... so, every time Yuki mentions that it's still around I feel a little better--  I really don't want to have to destroy a universe, if I managed to avoid it once before."

>> Not really going to offer a suggestion here, but this does imply some trust issues. Haruhi could easily explain the harem situation to Sakanaka and Yanagimoto; the only real reason -not- to would be the possibility that the harem setup gets further than them - so it implies that Haruhi doesn't trust them to keep it a secret if she tells them. Might be something that needs to be addressed directly. I tend to think she could get these two to understand (Yanagimoto in particular should get it since she's seen what's between Kyon and Tsuruya) and Sakanaka seems like she trusts Haruhi enough to accept it.

Hmmmm.  I'll think about this one a bit.  I think I'm going to stick with events as planned, but may revise this a bit -- and come back to adress it more later.  So have Haruhi think of why it would be a bad idea to trust them.  So, Haruhi doesn't initially tell them, but over the next day when they corner her following [thing in next chapter] they figure out the truth--  And then work on it from there.

The plan may change, but I like this for now.

>> Travel with the club?

Ah, I can clarify:

So ... go ahead and walk home with your club as usual--

Okay--  As always, thanks greatly for the feedback. :D

[Arakawa]

*crawls late and bleary-eyed into the thread*

Disclaimer: may overlap with other people's commentary. Consists mostly of two possibly irrelevant cents on the sketchbook scene.

EDIT: instances of 'brain bleach' replaced with 'brain Windex'. It has come to my attention that 'brain bleach' is a term that generally applies to really nauseatingly horror-inducing stuff, which is not the case here.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Careful release of information, both true and false, can be a powerful tool in maneuvering the actions of others, both friend and foe.

Not sure if maneuver works when used like this in roughly the same sense as manipulate.  (Certainly haven't ever seen it used like this.) Manipulate does seem a bit off, though -- too weaselly, but then again the quote is explaining a weaselly concept. Manage could work, but it also sounds a bit corporate. (I notice unlike Tadamichi's strategy quotes it's credited as Author Unknown. I might be able to suggest something if I knew who the author was. My possibly-180-degrees-off-the-mark guess would be Koizumi.)

Before Tsuruya could press on the issue, she pulled one of her sketchbooks out, checking which one it was quickly.

... "furtively checking which one it was." (Or just "quickly checking which one it was.")?
... "furtively glancing inside to check which one it was."
... "giving a furtive glance inside to check which one it was."

Sorting the next set of jokes into "omgrofl" and "brain Windex, please" piles:

omgrofl Crowning Moment of Funny:

Only about half of them are ecchi!

"So, between us, you see Kyon-kun as the aggressor?" he asked finally, his voice only the slightest bit uneasy. "Truly, this hearkens back to an unpleasant encounter in the snow last--"

"And we're done with this line of discussion," Kanae's sempai interrupted, shaking his head furiously. "Forever."

Seemingly unaffected until just then, Yuki looked up from her book and corrected: "Twenty eight percent."

-- oddly enough, since the first half of that joke goes in 'brain Windex'

brain Windex:

"Likewise, I hope if we end up needing to share body heat like that--"

"No."

"I simply--"

"Stop."

"Well, if--"

"Koizumi!"

"Wah-- Hahah! Kanae-chan, that's about too big for Kyon by about thirty percent!"

The last one unfortunately reminded me of a much dumber joke in Tea of Sagittarius, which also centered around Haruhi's estimate of Kyon's junk.

bleagh

And the crowning prize of brain Windex is:

"Kyon-kun rescues Koizumi-kun from a rampaging robot," Tsuruya started. "And afterwards, to pay him back, since his swimsuit has a hole in it anyway--"

It's not so much the detail of the act, it's the fact that I wind up contemplating the total lack of characterization this sort of setup implies for Kanae's doujin. It made Kanae seem a bit creepy to me, drawing hentai doujin in which she looks at people she interacts with on a daily basis that way. Realistically a person who did something like that wouldn't get off so easily.

Maybe that could be lessened with another layer of indirection, where she's drawing something like a Trope-tan hentai and it becomes obvious / is heavily implied that the couple are a conscious or unconscious proxy for Kyon and Koizumi?

Though not sure if Trope-tan has enough elements that have been introduced to pull something like that off without an awkward exposition dump about Trope-tan. The contrivances necessary might even result in an implied plot line that's actually subtly kinky and/or romantic rather than just bile-inducing, which would nullify some of the trolling aspect of this scene.

Another, less difficult change, would be just giving some detail that implies that this is Kanae's (best effort at) a romantic yaoi rather than a badly-characterized ecchi one. Which would probably fix the issue of Kanae coming across as creepy through this SOS Brigade yaoi.

Meh, it's just a funny scene. Given the subject matter, needing to Windex your brain a bit afterwards might be inevitable.

resonating at the edges of Koizumi's powers to detect.

"... resonating almost beyond the edge of Koizumi's power to detect it." /
"... resonating just at the edges of Koizumi's powers to detect it."

Kuyou gave a short nod. "They destroy the space between spaces," she answered.

*snort*

Of course!

Why didn't I realize it earlier!

[spoiler]Kuyou is George Lucas in disguise!

[/spoiler]

[Specular]

Just a little thing:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Blinking, Yuki broke away from the chess game with Koizumi and stared at the tiny figure. "Radiant Buster!" the chibi answered promptly. Reminded of where he'd left her, Kyon broke from eating his lunch long enough to fish her from his pocket and set her on the table.

Slightly surprisingly to Haruhi, Ryouko offered a silent nod of agreement from Kyon's coat pocket. "I liked 'sonic screwdriver,'" Kyon sighed, not looking that upset about it.

Ryouko seems to come back to Kyon's coat pocket without apparent reason.

[Rogh-sensei]

...brain bleach...

[Arakawa]

... right. Checking now, I see TV Tropes states that 'Brain Bleach' should only be used when you think something is so awful that... well, I guess it makes you physically want to chug bleach to distract from the memory? That... was not the level of emphasis I was hoping to achieve. My bad, misjudging the strength of the term and thus writing something abusive. Yet again.

Just this once I'm going to break on my policy of not retro-editing embarrassing things I have said (the damage is generally done by the time I get around to doing that) and replace instances of 'brain bleach' in the above commentary with 'brain Windex.'

[Rogh-sensei]

To be fair, the familiar usage of "brain bleach" has evolved to refer to imagery or stimulus designed to 'cleanse the palate' after having been subjected to a powerfully negative stimulus. So depending on your orientation, kyon/koizumi yaoi could be powerful brain bleach indeed.
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