[NGE] The Coming of the First Ones

[Muphrid]

A draft of chapter two is attached.  There's one thing that bugs me about this draft, however:

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I'd like for more of a feeling of danger before/as Misato comes in to save the day, but I figured that if the creatures ever really got to the traincar, they'd rip everything up and there would be no saving anyone.  So I don't know what to do there.

[Jason_Miao]

Quick skim.

> "Please, Masuyo-san, won't you step back?"

A strange turn of phrase.

> Compared to her, he was a slow-burning brown dwarf to her blue supergiant.

A fairly odd analogy.

> <spoiler>

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Part of that may come from the fact that we're following Shinji, and he was already caught and LCL'd by that point.  So, we know he's relatively safe.  Who's in danger?  Some random nameless people.

[Muphrid]

> <spoiler>

Spoiler: ShowHide

Part of that may come from the fact that we're following Shinji, and he was already caught and LCL'd by that point.  So, we know he's relatively safe.  Who's in danger?  Some random nameless people.

Right, I think I might try to attack the problem with a scene of Shinji meeting some of the survivors, giving some background on, for example, the man who confronts the corporal about the helicopter being sent away, as well as at least one other character who should come back from being LCL'd a bit...addled, enough to convince anyone that while you'd still be alive if you got liquefied that way, having Eisheth's minions do it to you and then whisper madness into your mind is a bad, bad thing.  That's my current thinking right now, at least.

Thanks for the help, Jason!

[Muphrid]

A new draft of chapter two is attached, with the last scene rewritten to something that (I hope) is a little more compelling.

[JonBob]

Sorry for not commenting on this sooner. I didn't notice any glaring issues, so I'll work on impressions and comprehension instead. Some of these questions will likely involve the earlier version, but i'll try to stick to v2.

So, it's the aftermath of the truck accident, and I do like the train car stuff, from the conductor (what ever happens to him, anyway?), to the mirror and the "needle", to the panic and exit. The stuff post-rain does seem kinda horror-ish, particularly the girl at the door.

We have some LCL information and conversation. Then we get a lot more information. It does feel more info-dump than v1, but if that's needed for the pace of the story, I don't see any issues. Getting more horror vibes from the woman in the helicopter. The father and son seemed... dramatic, but not outlandish.

As for the rescue afterwards, it was a bit confusing about what was saving them (particularly scale), since it's not apparent how large it is. Cut to ending and scary girl.

Overall, this gives a strong impression of how creepy and powerful the enemy is, while also showing the humans' strength and how they are somewhat prepared. There's also the underlying question of why Shinji is uninformed and if there is any purpose behind that.

[Muphrid]

Thanks, JonBob.  Regarding the info dump level, the exposition I introduced in this new version was stuff I hadn't wanted to go into until next chapter, but I did feel it would make little sense for Misato to keep Shinji in the dark any further.  On a practical level, I couldn't see any way around it.

As for the rescue afterwards, it was a bit confusing about what was saving them (particularly scale), since it's not apparent how large it is.

All right, I'd thought by virtue of saying it's an Eva it would be enough for a ballpark idea of size, but I guess it couldn't hurt to be clear.

There's also the underlying question of why Shinji is uninformed and if there is any purpose behind that.

That...is a good question.  While I envisioned the matter of even having Evas around again to be somewhat politically sensitive, the underlying question of why Shinji wouldn't be involved by exclusion remains.  The best I can think of right at this moment is that Rei and Misato would've thought that, if they kept Shinji out of it and protected him, Eisheth would eventually tire of trying to kill him and prioritize other matters, but that might not be enough of an explanation.  I fully admit that there's a bit of a gap here I hadn't seen in advance.

Thanks again.

[Dracos]

Mmm, my mind doesn't feel like critiquing critically.

I enjoyed the read.  You've got a good grasp of delivering scenes where belief is important.

[Muphrid]

So, new chapter, turning out somewhat different from what I anticipated, but hey, that's the way it is, isn't it?

[Jason_Miao]

Question:

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If Eisheth has "Zenunim" that can turn forcibly people into LCL, why didn't she use them to attack the pilot candidates?  IIRC, weren't they established as being unkillable in ch2 (or did you change that in the revision?) - if so, they could just keep trying, just like in old horror movies.

[Muphrid]

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That's a fair point; the amount of effort spent by Eisheth to kill Nozomi for example seems a bit underwhelming.  In the general sense, I'm thinking I can mention that she sent people to kill many of the candidates, which would help broaden the scope of things.  In the specific sense--why she doesn't send her children there--I think that's just an oversight on my part.  There's no good reason for them not to be involved.  (They shouldn't be unkillable per se, just very difficult to kill because it involves blowing them up and scattering/vaporizing the LCL to the point where the individual can't coalesce.)  It will complicate that final scene considerably, but I don't have a problem with that.

Thanks, Jason!

[JonBob]

The only grammatical error I found on a first pass:

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"These is my friend and her family," said Asuka,
"These are" or "This is"

As for the impression of the story, it's always interesting when you make a pseudo-OC the protagonist. As for making her Hikari's sister, that's a nice tie into the previous members of the cast. As for her personality and progression, it feels a bit like Shinji's: some skill and passion for something, but mostly listless in life and a bit alone even with people around her. I don't think she has the psychological scars quite like the first Children, so it will be interesting to see how she responds to trauma.

As for sending her children to kill Nozomi, wasn't the LCL of them scattered enough to prevent them from reforming, or is LCL the same everywhere once you're on the planet?

[Muphrid]

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Yeah, ironically, cutting out the parts of chapter 2 where the Zenunim were shown being beaten back by the SDF makes it too strong a possibility that they would be around for this chapter.  I'd intended that they still be present in some way, hiding out in the ocean until the rest of Eisheth's children arrived, but given that they haven't all been obliterated, I think Jason is right--they most likely must be part of Eisheth's assassination attempt.  That is, unless there's a way to satisfactorily explain their absence away.  I don't quite see how, though.

Thanks, JonBob!

[Jason_Miao]

In response to:

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I'd intended that they still be present in some way, hiding out in the ocean until the rest of Eisheth's children arrived, but given that they haven't all been obliterated, I think Jason is right--they most likely must be part of Eisheth's assassination attempt.  That is, unless there's a way to satisfactorily explain their absence away.  I don't quite see how, though.

you could

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Put in an explanation (perhaps somewhere in ch 2) that the creatures are very hard to kill without fixed heavy defenses - the city/town/NERV/whatever have those in abundance.  The humans can detect LCL monsters through sensors/biometrics/whatever, so the monsters' threat isn't an issue of stealth, but overwhelming power.

The sudden appearance of cultists throw in another angle - infiltrators who are wholly human, and therefore aren't detectable by LCL scanners.  You could slightly play it up after the attack - Misato et al. have an "Oh, shit" moment where they realize that they've been concentrating on defense against the creatures and didn't fully realize the threat of saboteurs.

If followed, this opens up some story options.  If you need a defense/computer system that must conveniently fail in order to cause some plot-required crisis, you have the excuse of it failing due to the undetected pervasive sabotage that occurred before the assassination attempt.  Also, you could mention an informational black hole about the Eisheth cult, and have intelligence teams (Kaji, the sequel) discover more information about the Eisheth cult as the story progresses.

[Muphrid]

Spoiler: ShowHide

you could

Put in an explanation (perhaps somewhere in ch 2) that the creatures are very hard to kill without fixed heavy defenses - the city/town/NERV/whatever have those in abundance.  The humans can detect LCL monsters through sensors/biometrics/whatever, so the monsters' threat isn't an issue of stealth, but overwhelming power.

The sudden appearance of cultists throw in another angle - infiltrators who are wholly human, and therefore aren't detectable by LCL scanners.  You could slightly play it up after the attack - Misato et al. have an "Oh, shit" moment where they realize that they've been concentrating on defense against the creatures and didn't fully realize the threat of saboteurs.

If followed, this opens up some story options.  If you need a defense/computer system that must conveniently fail in order to cause some plot-required crisis, you have the excuse of it failing due to the undetected pervasive sabotage that occurred before the assassination attempt.  Also, you could mention an informational black hole about the Eisheth cult, and have intelligence teams (Kaji, the sequel) discover more information about the Eisheth cult as the story progresses.

The general gist of that does sound pretty attractive--in that Misato and Rei would plausibly have some sort of defense against the Zenunim but would be caught off-guard by more than just a small handful of human infiltrators following Eisheth instead.  That may be the best solution that doesn't require a more thorough reworking.

[Muphrid]

Right, so, partly addressing some of the above concerns, and partly because I realized I was dissatisfied with the affect the POV character had on the story that could be told, now for something mostly the same but still rather different.

I know it will be a pain to read through something so substantially similar yet different; you have my apologies, and I understand completely if anyone feels disinclined to look or would prefer to just skim over it.