[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 53

[Brian]

I can't think of anything clever to say in addition to putting the chapter up.

Edit: Oh, there we go.  I'm entirely missing the epigraph.  Sure, I'll just put that off until I can come up with something.  That couldn't possibly go wrong.  *grumble*

[Empyrean]

Haruhi came off kind of bitchy this chapter, and Tsuruya was notably ineffective at dealing with her ire. I'd expect Tsuruya to be more proactive in making it up to her instead of all the mumbling and looking away whenever Haruhi glares at her. Anyway; on to the specifics!

Sasaki was delighted to find herself and Haruhi on either side of Kyon in the back seat of their car -- but then, she supposed that made sense, if she were a target. If anyone did manage to try and reach her, Kyon was right there.

Wouldn't it make more sense if she were in the middle, then? I'd probably just have a line about how being next to Kyon makes her feel safer, since attiributing the seating arrangement to security concerns draws attention to the almost-but-not-quite-perfect seating arrangement from a security perspective.

If anyone did manage to try and reach her, Kyon was right there.

Managing to make an attempt seems odd. I'd just go with "If anyone did manage to reach her" or "If anyone did try to reach her" for that part.

I like the backstory stuff with Yamatsuchi Keiji. It shows the Yamaguchi-gumi as both benevolent and still clearly acting as a criminal organization.

If Yanagimoto didn't know any better, she'd think that was Haruhi's voice in the song, too.

This strikes me as odd. Yanagimoto would know about Haruhi singing at the festival, right? A line about recognizing Haruhi's singing voice from back then (or just a line saying she had heard about Haruhi singing) would probably work better.

She wasn't usually one to go out and dress up like she had; as she'd hoped long ago, being Haruhi's friend had given her a wonderful opportunity to experience something she'd never have had the courage to try on her own.

This seems to imply that Sasaki would come up with ideas like this, but lacked the courage to follow through. I'd probably include a comment that she wouldn't have thought of this herself. That would draw a little more attention to Haruhi coming up with unconventional ideas and inspiring others to try them rather than just getting people to try stuff they were afraid to attempt before. That would probably make for a better allusion to Haruhi's role as harem-plan instigator, as well as show that Sasaki has a little more faith in Haruhi's ability to pull off weird ideas. That would presage her acceptance of the harem plan a little more clearly, although maybe you just didn't want to be quite so heavy-handed.

Mikuru beamed a smile, nodding. "Did you make it yourself?"

"Yes," Kuyou agreed, blinking, her attention shifting from Kyouko and Koizumi, turning to the others. "Ryouko's suggestion."

I get the impression that when Kuyou says she made something from scratch, it means something slightly different than when other people say it. Less "I bought the fabric and did the sewing" and more "I assembled the component molecules from spare atoms I found that weren't doing anything important, then arranged them such that it resembles the product of sewing."

"That's a good way to start things off," Haruhi agreed, nodding. "Yuki-chan, is your place alright to hang out, since Tsuruya-san is going to be busy? We should have enough time to watch that before we go home."

Tsuruya bit her lip and looked away, staring distantly out the window.

Is Haruhi deliberately excluding Tsuruya here? I get that she's pissed about her time with Kyon being interrupted and Tsuruya making some progress, but that seems pretty mean-spirited of her. I get that it's in character for her to be jealous, but I figured her character development by this point was far enough along that she'd recognize it and try to suppress it, rather than acting on a petty grudge a day later. Hopefully someone else will call her out on this rather than just leaving it up to her own introspection to realize she was out of line; this kind of makes Tsuruya look like a doormat.

"So, what is the theme for these costumes?" Sasaki wondered, following Haruhi and the others out as they trooped toward Yuki's apartment on foot. "Is it an anime I haven't seen?"

Heh. Everybody always thinks Touhou is an anime before they learn better. :)

"You must do the best you can. I can recognize that your intentions are usually positive ... and you're working with Kyon-- That makes me much happier about things. I don't understand what happened, entirely, but I think you're heading for a better path -- and I still consider you a friend, since you do mean well."

It looks like somebody cut Sasaki off, and it's not really clear that she's still the one speaking. The transition from the somewhat stilted delivery of her previous line and the more difinitive delivery of the next one makes it seem like someone else is talking.

We're ... still working out some details -- I need a favor for him relatively soon.

For? Or From?

"Now-- No further information is available here."

I never played Continuum and I don't really even know the jargon, but I can spot a reference. :)

[Brian]

Haruhi came off kind of bitchy this chapter, and Tsuruya was notably ineffective at dealing with her ire. I'd expect Tsuruya to be more proactive in making it up to her instead of all the mumbling and looking away whenever Haruhi glares at her. Anyway; on to the specifics!

Haruhi's a little unreasonable, but aware of it -- and entitled to overload and complain at least once in a while.  Tsuruya not knowing how to handle that is actually leading up to something. >_>;;

Sasaki was delighted to find herself and Haruhi on either side of Kyon in the back seat of their car -- but then, she supposed that made sense, if she were a target. If anyone did manage to try and reach her, Kyon was right there.

Wouldn't it make more sense if she were in the middle, then? I'd probably just have a line about how being next to Kyon makes her feel safer, since attiributing the seating arrangement to security concerns draws attention to the almost-but-not-quite-perfect seating arrangement from a security perspective.

Well ... sure.  Gives Haruhi more excuse to be anxious, too; Sasaki's between her and Kyon.

Managing to make an attempt seems odd. I'd just go with "If anyone did manage to reach her" or "If anyone did try to reach her" for that part.

Yeah, that was my typical 'get distracted mid-sentence, half-write another sentence' nonsense. >_<

I like the backstory stuff with Yamatsuchi Keiji. It shows the Yamaguchi-gumi as both benevolent and still clearly acting as a criminal organization.

:D

This strikes me as odd. Yanagimoto would know about Haruhi singing at the festival, right? A line about recognizing Haruhi's singing voice from back then (or just a line saying she had heard about Haruhi singing) would probably work better.

Good point.  She'll recognize it correctly, then.

This seems to imply that Sasaki would come up with ideas like this, but lacked the courage to follow through. I'd probably include a comment that she wouldn't have thought of this herself. That would draw a little more attention to Haruhi coming up with unconventional ideas and inspiring others to try them rather than just getting people to try stuff they were afraid to attempt before. That would probably make for a better allusion to Haruhi's role as harem-plan instigator, as well as show that Sasaki has a little more faith in Haruhi's ability to pull off weird ideas. That would presage her acceptance of the harem plan a little more clearly, although maybe you just didn't want to be quite so heavy-handed.

No, that's a good suggestion; I'll go with it.

I get the impression that when Kuyou says she made something from scratch, it means something slightly different than when other people say it. Less "I bought the fabric and did the sewing" and more "I assembled the component molecules from spare atoms I found that weren't doing anything important, then arranged them such that it resembles the product of sewing."

That is precisely correct. :p

Is Haruhi deliberately excluding Tsuruya here? I get that she's pissed about her time with Kyon being interrupted and Tsuruya making some progress, but that seems pretty mean-spirited of her. I get that it's in character for her to be jealous, but I figured her character development by this point was far enough along that she'd recognize it and try to suppress it, rather than acting on a petty grudge a day later. Hopefully someone else will call her out on this rather than just leaving it up to her own introspection to realize she was out of line; this kind of makes Tsuruya look like a doormat.

Part of the theme of things since the Slider invasion has been that things are stressful for Kyon and Haruhi; especially for Haruhi because she's bottling things up, trying to protect Kyon from stress.  No one is handling things perfectly, because they're human.  (Well, those three. >_>;  (mostly))

They all mean well -- even Tsuruya, who just wanted to help Kyon feel better about things (even if she went a bit further than Haruhi wanted, and enjoyed herself, too).  If it's too much I can try and tone it down, but it's not purely her being petty in this specific instance; Kyon won't actually be _at_ Tsuruya's (because of Shutaro), so if they go to her place, that would be obvious to Sasaki.

This isn't going to be glossed over or ignored.

Heh. Everybody always thinks Touhou is an anime before they learn better. :)

Indeed. :p

"You must do the best you can. I can recognize that your intentions are usually positive ... and you're working with Kyon-- That makes me much happier about things. I don't understand what happened, entirely, but I think you're heading for a better path -- and I still consider you a friend, since you do mean well."

It looks like somebody cut Sasaki off, and it's not really clear that she's still the one speaking. The transition from the somewhat stilted delivery of her previous line and the more difinitive delivery of the next one makes it seem like someone else is talking.

Ah, I can tighten that up a bit just by making it a full stop.

We're ... still working out some details -- I need a favor for him relatively soon.

For? Or From?

Oops--  From.

I never played Continuum and I don't really even know the jargon, but I can spot a reference. :)

Great -- thanks a ton for the feedback! :)

[Grahf]

One catch I made, nothing major.

He remembered those eyes from unpleasant dreams, cool and almost empty of emotion, even if the did look a different color.

Should the be they?


As for the story itself. Since you've said that what's happening is leading to future changes, or at least events I'm mostly just waiting. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the same reservations that Pax has, but since you've said multiple times that this is going somewhat I think that it's literally the least that I can do to give you some credit and the benefit of the doubt that it will play out for the best. Can't be all sunshine and roses all the time I guess, and interpersonal drama is a change of pace from the trans-dimensional waylays.

This next thing is probably just a personal observance to some extent, but I couldn't help but wonder what Ryoko might have been thinking seeing Kimidori again, and likewise (assuming that Kimidori can actually see Ryoko, that is). That didn't get a chance to interact, and Sasaki should have made any real tricks that Kimidori would try to pull a moot point, but still the thought crossed my mind. I understand completely if nothing really comes of it, but it's a personal curiosity.

[Brian]

Yes, it should be.

Again, if you guys thinks it's overplayed to have Haruhi be as upset as she is....  I mean, the bit about Tsuruya ostensibly being with Kyon, and not Haruhi _just_ being mean can be made more clear, among other things.

If it's enough to break with the way things have been going, I can change it -- but at the same time, some of the interpersonal conflicts should get some screentime, too....

...I could have sworn I had a title, and wasn't missing that as well as the epigraph. >_<  Dangit.


As far as Ryouko and Kimidori, remember Ryouko's thoughts the last time she was around Kimidori. :p

Thanks for the comments!

[Grahf]

I actually think that Haruhi has a right to be as angry as she is about this, but I think the way it's coming across is what is bothering me, at the very least. Haruhi's reactions and her internal dialogue skew towards anger with a hint of what lies underneath it: hurt. She's hurt that Tsuruya would take advantage of the situation -- even if unintentionally -- when in Haruhi's eyes Tsuruya already has the largest advantage of all the girls.

Moreover, her comments at the end of the chapter lean towards her feeling that she's the member of the harem that's quickly falling behind, something that probably scares the living daylights out of her. Thanks to her memory gambit she readily believes that she's the most normal of everyone, and since everyone else has had better encounters with Kyon as of late she probably feels that she's falling by the wayside, even though she was the one that put forth the idea of the harem in the first place. Kyon could reassure her, but until now he hasn't had a chance/didn't know any better, which is something that's about to be addressed.

I'm not sure if I'm reading something in there that shouldn't be, or if I'm missing something obvious, but to me I think that if her anger were more tempered by hurt and fear that it might come off as less harsh and more understandable. Whether or not this jives with what you're thinking is another matter entirely, but honestly I think that's the best explanation that I can give ... at least from my admittedly limited perspective.

As for Tsuruya, I think it's more of the fact that she hasn't had a chance to do anything yet. The only real opportunity she had was right after it happened, and given Haruhi's mood I doubt that it would have helped, so the best option was letting her walk away. I guess if anything you could have her and Haruhi get a little further along into the conversation at the end of the chapter, but then that makes the jumping off point more potentially difficult. I think as long as Tsuruya manages to address it soon that it'll be fine. She just hasn't gotten enough of a chance to do so yet (and might not for a while, depending on how the next events play out.)

[Phantom Kirin]

Um... I've noticed something while reading this chapter(I have highlighted it in bold text)...

That's a good way to start things off," Haruhi agreed, nodding. "Yuki-chan, is your place alright to hang out, since Tsuruya-san is going to be busy? We should have enough time to watch that before we go home."

...considering that, before the anger fit, Haruhi called Tsuruya "Tsu-chan", the change in honorific is very noticeable in this chapter, as it would signify how bad it really is at this point.

Also, not to make a strange guess, but...

Is the fact that her anger is as it is stemming from the fact that maybe the memory block that Haruhi placed on herself, if only through her emotions and not her conscious thoughts exactly, is starting to fail?

"So-- I'm more than a little unhappy about not getting to spend time with you, alright, Kyon? That's what's wrong-- I'm getting left behind while you have to do big important things with her! Or-- Or you're getting into a fight with Yuki, or time traveling with Mikuru! And the one time I got to do something with you, it was fighting those sliders -- and that wasn't fun at all!"

Tsuruya winced away silently, while Kyon's mouth dropped open a short distance. "I-- I didn't realize," he said quietly, frowning. And he had been distracted lately, hadn't he? This was no good ... not at all.

He took a breath to steel himself, while Haruhi glared at the floor.

"Um ... Tsuruya-hime, I don't ... know what's going to happen next, so ... I'm sorry about this."

"Oh, and you're apologizing to her now?" Haruhi snapped, shifting her gaze to him.

"I'll make this up to you," Kyon swore, wincing at the thought, and recalling the code phrase. It had last been in this same room, come to think of it -- with Tsuruya watching him.

Still not sure how it would happen, he stepped forward to kneel before Haruhi, which made her flinch back, faintly mollified, but mostly confused. "What are you--" she started, before he interrupted.

...I seriously need to read the whole chapter before posting, because it seems that I might be onto something...

[Taper]

Quick notes and commentary--

I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit.  Haruhi is, yes, being overly harsh toward Tsuruya, and Tsuruya is feeling guilty in too many ways to act back -- but it makes sense, given the situation. As to the ending/cliffhanger - yes, Kyon, that's _exactly_ when to hit the panic button.

Other notes, with context (a bit long, so I'll use the spoiler compression):

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Stupid precedence," Haruhi muttered, kicking a convenient can as she passed beneath a streetlight, taking a tiny bit of satisfaction from the way it launched down the street. What could she really do, though? Kyon's parents did like the arrangement with Tsuruya's family, and Kyon's mother seemed to hate Haruhi -- if she wasn't terrified of the woman pulling Kyon from the club, she'd try and investigate, but that was too much of a risk.

I think that getting Haruhi into Kyon's mom's good graces wouldn't actually be that hard, at this point -- knowing that the highly-thought-of Sasaki is friends with Haruhi, and remembering that it wasTsuruya and not Haruhi that got Kyon into his Life of Crime, would probably do wonders for her attitude.



I enjoy Iyouji's scenes -- he's got such a personality.

He wondered if he might enjoy a life outside of crime more.... Really, the greater issues were with capability, but as it was, handling finances for a small model shop was within his capabilities. The owner, Yamatsuchi Keiji, wasn't fully a part of the organization, but didn't mind working with them -- or the help that Iyouji could bring in.

Not quite sure what the second sentence there means -- "the greater trouble (with pursuing non-criminal work) were with his own skillset" or similar?  The repetitive "capability/capabilities" part doesn't help.

Wait a minute-- "Yamatsuchi Keiji", owner of a model shop? Is he the---

[H]e'd mentioned to Iyouji once that he'd even accepted endorsements from some high-school children working on a movie for their cultural festival.

I'll take that as a yes. Bravo, sir.

(You don't often hear about "high-school children" -- should "children" be "students"?  Or if you want to emphasize the "children" part, maybe  "some children working on a movie for their high school's cultural festival".)



Only other thing I can comment on quickly is the Touhou cosplay.-- WOW. Great and hilarious (as a Touhou fan). To confirm the costume assignments:
Tsuruya - Sanae Kochiya, Wind Priestess
Yuki - Patchouli Knowledge, Great Unmoving Library
Kyon - Rinnosuke, The One Guy
Haruhi - Marisa Kirisame, Ordinary Witch (and thief)
Sasaki - Reimu Hakurei, Shrine Maiden of Paradise
Mikuru -  Koakuma, Little Devil (and Patchouli's assistant/familiar/librarian)
Kyoko - Ichirin Kumoi, Buddhist Nun (Unzan's hitbox)
Koizumi - Unzan, Old Man Cloud (Ichirin's partner)
Imouto - Tewi Inaba, Rabbit of Good Fortune
Kanae - Suwako Moriya, Epitome of Native Gods
Kuyou - Kaguya Houraisan, Immortal Moon Princess (and yes, that Kaguya-hime)

I'm not sure how much to read into these castings, though I see a few interesting parallels...



I'll  need to  comment a bit more on the post-dance chatting, especially that interesting conversation with Fujiwara.  Some disturbing possibilities have reared their heads... later, though; I'm up too late as it is.

Anyway, hope not too much of that was useless blurbling.  Good work overall.

[Halbarad]

Touhou-hohohoho!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi couldn't keep the scowl off her face as a dreamy-eyed Tsuruya turned to face her as the car carrying Kyon back home cruised away.

Repetition of "as" here. Could replace the second with "while", could rework a bit:

Haruhi couldn't keep the scowl off her face, watching the dreamy-eyed Tsuruya turning to face her as the car carrying Kyon back home cruised away.

since she was left out on the Ninkyo Dantai front

You haven't been capitalizing 'ninkyo dantai' up to now, probably best not to start here.

and then discuss the plans for Sunday with Tsuruya

Sunday is tomorrow; might want to just say that instead of naming the day? Gives a better impression of the times involved.

But that made the entire thing Tsuruya's fault!  Hell, she was even the one that was already publicly _engaged_ to him!  Haruhi had made a sacrifice on that count; she didn't _mind_ being with Kanae publicly.  The girl was cute, genuinely nice, and Haruhi was starting to suspect that the slider had a real crush on _her_ as well as Kyon.

Going to address some of the other C&C here, relating to Haruhi being upset.

I'm not sure if I'm reading something in there that shouldn't be, or if I'm missing something obvious, but to me I think that if her anger were more tempered by hurt and fear that it might come off as less harsh and more understandable.

I do agree a little bit that the way Haruhi's anger is being shown could probably be improved, but I don't agree that she'd be showing hurt or fear (even if she is feeling those things to some extent.) Doing so would make her look too vulnerable, which is not the way Haruhi is - so even if she's afraid, she's more likely to mask that fear with anger than to actually appear to be afraid.

To my mind, I'd see her (at least overtly) being angry with Tsuruya for 'taking advantage' of her position. From Haruhi's perspective, Tsuruya is the only one of them that can justifiably spend a lot of her time with Kyon, and she doesn't have to jump through any kind of hoops to do it - no one's going to bat an eyelash at them being close in public. Then pile on Tsuruya pushing things with Kyon even further, and I can easily see Haruhi taking that as Tsuruya being selfish and abusing that advantage, when she'd really expect better from her. It's the last thing on Tsuruya's mind, of course, but I'd see that as the real root of Haruhi's anger more than anything else.

There might be a little hurt or fear of getting left behind, but I think they're more minor at this point - with Kyon in the loop, I'd think she trusts him enough to know that he's not going to let her get left behind if he can help it. It's just that due to circumstances over the last week or so, he hasn't been able to help it - thus why she's not actually angry at him.

Adding on after further review: yeah, I don't see the 'falling behind' concern being there as much; she doesn't actually show much concern at all about Mikuru's date with Kyon, other than some mild jealousy (wishing that it could be her instead of Mikuru), and actually wants to do whatever she can to make Mikuru's date go well, by keeping an eye on Sasaki. So I see this less as a generalized fear of falling behind and more something specific to Tsuruya.

Kyon's parents _did_ like the arrangement with Tsuruya's family, and Kyon's mother seemed to hate Haruhi -- if she wasn't terrified of the woman pulling Kyon from the club, she'd try and investigate, but that was too much of a risk.

Outdated information at this point - Akane really isn't all that thrilled with the engagement any more, but whether Haruhi would know about that I'm not sure. I'd need to go see how much her reaction to Nonoko's 'abduction' during the slider invasion got noticed by anyone else other than Kyon.

I suspect she'd be a lot more open-minded about actually finding out about Haruhi now as well.

Sasaki had been happy to accept Haruhi's invitation, as surprising as the event was promising to be.  She'd been surprised to be picked up at her

Repetition of 'surprising/surprised'. Maybe something in the first sentence about her being curious about what it was that Haruhi had planned? If the invitation wasn't very specific, she might only have a vague idea of what's going to happen.

If anyone did ry and reach her, Kyon

s/ry and/try to/

but before she could remark on it Kyouko hefted the boom box she had been carrying and hit 'play.'

You have boom-box hyphenated most of the other times I see it in the chapter. I think either works, just needs to be consistent.

Maruyama Iyouji was also one of Fujiya Masao's men that was let go

This seems a little awkward. Were you going for "the only one of Fujiya Masao's men"?

Really, the greater issues were with capability, but as it was, handling finances for a small model shop was within his capabilities.

Repeated note, but repetition of 'capability' here. The first one should probably be more along the lines of accreditation or qualifications, anyway - he's got the capability to do the accounting work, he just doesn't have the credentials for it.

the man had borrowed money from the Tsuruya-tachi to get started

I would think this would be better as Tsuruya-gumi, since that seems to imply the larger organization that Kenshiro heads up, rather than a smaller group (the first thing I think of with Tsuruya-tachi is Haruka and Kyon's small branch of the larger organization). If you do decide on the change, there are at least two other references in the same section.

he'd even accepted endorsements from some high-school children working on a movie for their cultural festival

Didn't he loan them the air gun as well?

And costume nitpicks! Going to spoiler this separately since there's a lot of fiddly details.

[spoiler]

Her costume was a stylized set of miko robes--  In blue rather than the more traditional red

With the way the previous paragraph ends, you probably want to reference Tsuruya here more directly, since it's not as clear who 'her' refers to anymore.

Also, no need for caps on "in".

One hand hefted a shake -- a wooden scepter with a square piece of paper attached to the top.

Should be 'shaku', and since this is an uncommon loanword I'd recommend putting it in italics.

her eyes now matched perfectly

Probably want to specify that her eyes matched her hair, specifically.

beneath the long pink robe.  Complimenting the robe was a puffy pink hat with a golden crescent moon

beneath a long pink robe.

Should also be "complementing", since the hat is not telling the robe that it likes the new perfume.

And the crescent moon should probably be noted as being pinned to the hat, since it seems to be made of metal.

Just when we was certain that there could be no greater shock to him

s/we/he/

and a pointed black had decorated with a large bow

s/had/hat/

Behind that, her costume was black with two rows of gold buttons

s/Behind/Beyond/

Was that part of the costume, or her own modesty?  He couldn't think that someone who dressed up like that in public had modesty as the greatest concern.

Repetition of 'modesty'. I'd reference her lack of embarrassment ("someone who dressed like that in public was worried about embarrassment at all!")

At the blonde witch's other side was a shrine maiden in an outfit

Can probably just drop 'in an outfit' here, it doesn't add anything and you repeat 'outfit' two more times later in the paragraph. I'd suggest 'uniform' for the first of those.

For modesty, she was wearing some sort of bindings beneath, and sleeves were held in place on her arms with red ribbons

This would be a sarashi, but whether you want to use the actual Japanese term or not is up to you. Iyouji would probably at least know what it was, though, as it's related to traditional Japanese attire.

May also want to note that the sleeves are detached. Armpit references are optional. =P

the white blouse she wore over the black vest and matching short skirt could fit in almost anywhere. Well, there was probably some tinting in her hair, and the red of her eyes were undoubtedly contacts as well

Minor ordering issue. The vest would be worn over the blouse, not the other way around. =P

Oddly enough, Mikuru probably doesn't need hair dye or a wig either, although I can see Iyouji thinking that she did. Her normal hair color is almost the same as Koakuma's anyway.

More contacts lenses?

s/contacts/contact/

and below the hood, which ended shortly past her shoulders was a long white gown with long sleeves

Bit awkward here. Suggestion:

and underneath the nearly waist-length hood was a long-sleeved, knee-length white gown, with a blue, flame-like pattern at the hem

Lots of hyphenated words, but more accurate to the character's description.

Reference image: http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:Th12IchirinKumoi.png

but atop her head sat a wide brimmed straw-colored had

'had' for 'hat' again, and while it's never really specified I imagine it actually -is- a straw hat, not just straw-colored.

Her purple top was embroidered with frogs in various poses, and beneath that she wore a loose, long-sleeved white blouse

I've seen some variations on what the dress actually is (whether it's two pieces or one), but you could probably refer to the dress as a jumper or pinafore and get away with it. For the blouse, you might want to note that the sleeves are hugely baggy, and the one thing that's missing is that she's got white kneesocks.

Reference images: http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:GoMIllus-Suwako.jpg
http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:Th123Suwako.png

and Sakanaka had been told by Haruhi, too

"told" seems a little odd here. Maybe "informed" instead?

not sure what to expect, merely standing by in the hall of the train station, cell phone cameras at the ready

Lots of comma-age here. I'd mix it up a little:

not sure what to expect -- merely standing by in the hall of the train station with cell phone cameras at the ready

gestured to the other girls--  More that Yanagimoto didn't recognize

Don't need to capitalize 'more' here.

her and the original Brigade members moving to make room

Seems off, somehow, although I can't pin it down to a rule (I know I'm forgetting something). Regardless, I'd suggest "the original Brigade members moving with her to make room".

Sakanaka stiffened, eyes widened, a small alarmed noise escaping as her gaze went to....

Tense oddities.

Sakanaka stiffened, eyes widening as a small alarmed noise escaped her, while her gaze went to...

Or better, the boyfriend beside her

Would suggest "or better yet". Capitalization is optional at this point as well, although I'd personally recommend against it.

everyone else in the train station allowed themselves to be led along in the music

Should probably be to the music.

the Brigade core members

Brigade's.

Flushed with exertion, and also a bit of pride, Sasaki was amazed that her attempt

I'd offset this with hyphens rather than commas.

not just to her, but everyone in the hall

As an alternative, you can also call this a platform rather than a hall, since that's what the main boarding area in a train station is usually called.

to experience something she'd never have had thought to try on her own

'she'd never have thought'

"What's wrong with bunny girls?" Nonoko wondered.

You're hyphenating this elsewhere, just noting for consistency.

There were a few times that some pretty ... unpleasant people caused problems

Sasaki may not be fully in the loop, and they may not want to refer to the Sumiyoshi-rengo directly in public, but Kyon could probably connect the group Tsuruya was facing with the same folks that kidnapped Sasaki, to connect the dots a little more.

mostly because his parents give him crap about using force

I'd think this should be 'gave'? It's not like it's come up recently, but I can see Haruhi assuming they might still feel the same way.

And the guys who wanted to stop Tsuruya-hime.

Repetition of 'guy' here. Maybe 'the ones who wanted to stop...' ?

to the girl he was calling with the 'hime' honorific.

Could just say 'the girl he was calling a princess', since that's what '-hime' is usually interpreted to mean.

Haruhi's spirits buoyed a bit.

Sasaki seems to be the focus character for this section, so this seems a bit direct for description. Maybe Sasaki noticing that Haruhi brightened up or something similar?

but she seemed a tad old for that, and fantasies of 'dark generals.'

Comma is unnecessary here, and I'd probably add a 'her' in front of fantasies.

Sasaki bit her tongue and nodded, instead of saying anything

Another vestigial comma.

"Can we watch the movie you made with Nii-san?" Nonoko asked excitedly, bouncing in her seat.

Logically, this has to be Haruhi that she's talking to here, but calling that out specifically might be good.

Mikuru could catch a ride home to prepare for her date with her and Kyon

Suggest some reordering: "Mikuru could catch a ride home with her and Kyon to prepare for her date." As it stands, she could be preparing for a date with Tsuruya and Kyon.

Not that this is a bad idea, but I don't think it's what you were going for.

While Haruhi still wasn't thrilled about Sasaki's inability to restrain her powers to nullify other people's powers

Repetition of powers. I'd suggest 'ability' for the first, but that runs into inability/ability; so a wider restructure:

While Haruhi still wasn't thrilled about Sasaki's lack of control of her ability to nullify other people's powers

Maybe it was her annoyance with Tsuruya coming into play

Capitalization is not needed here.

He stepped in front of them, his face dark, but not meeting anyone's eyes

Not quite sure what you're angling for with "his face dark" here. Is he flushed because he's angry or embarrassed? Is his face shadowed for some reason?

When Tsuruya and Kyon dropped her at her place

Would suggest "dropped her off".

Her simple sun dress was decorated at the collar with an understated flouncy bow

No space in sundress. Echoes of Downfall!

But Mikuru wasn't certain why so many people

No capitalization needed here either. You're not really starting a new sentence with most of these em-dashes, just putting an abrupt pause in the middle of an existing one. You've got at least four of these throughout the rest of this scene, and the same logic can be applied to all of them.

"But maybe I could help?" she posed.

Repetition from a couple of lines earlier. People do this in conversation all the time, so it's more excusable here than in narration, but you might want to lampshade it if so.

using Tsuruya-hime as an excuse and alarming them worse."

s/worse/even more/

Kind of gets back to a question from earlier, though, which is 'how much does the rest of the Brigade know about the attitude shift with Kyon's parents?'

wondering what they would be disagreeing on

Repetition of 'disagree' from a few lines up. Perhaps 'arguing about' instead?

Or--  Or you're getting into a fight with Yuki, or time traveling with Mikuru!

Just a call-out. See the previous analysis for where I think Haruhi's upset; I don't think she's nearly as concerned about the others as she is about Tsuruya, at least at this point. There hasn't actually -been- all that much activity with the others in the past few days aside from Mikuru's date; most of it's centered around business with Tsuruya thanks to the kumichou showing up and Sasaki being abducted repeatedly.

As always, though, your call here.

Kyon swore, wincing at the thought, and recalling the code phrase.

Second comma isn't needed, and could probably stand a rephrase: "wincing at the thought as he recalled the code phrase."

[/spoiler]

Apologies for the volume of nitpicks, but I really like the chapter over all. =)

[Specular]

I read the chapter only once this time, so I will focus on commenting a little for now.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I think there's another factor behind Haruhi's behavior. Until now, Tsuruya was pretty much Haruhi's "safety net" of sorts. She felt that she could afford to lose her cool because she knew that Tsuruya would be able to pick up the slack if the situation calls for it (like she did after the last Combine's attack) and this made it easier for her to control herself and prevent said emotional outburst in the first place. Now it was Tsuruya herself who made Haruhi mad and that left Haruhi without the support of her closest friend.

IMO, Kyon gets a virtual cookie for pressing the "panic button" when he did, and promptly lose it for not noticing the whole situation earlier. Although, it makes some degree of sense that no one mentioned this to Kyon before because everybody seems to be avoiding to bring even more problems for him to deal with and considering that he wasn't precisely losing his time in the meanwhile...      *returns cookie*

Now that I think about it, Kyon hasn't meet safe-mode!Haruhi since June 1st. Considering how much it seems to hurt Haruhi when she uses the Exposition Beam on herself, I think Kyon should make a habit of using the passphrase even if it's just to reprieve her of that pain (bonus points if these potential meetings helps her to deal with her stress by letting "awake"!Haruhi retain a edited version of them). Out of curiosity, if Kyon tells Haruhi "I am John Smith" by phone, would it still act as a Trigger Phrase?

We're ... still working out some details -- I need a favor for him relatively soon.

For? Or From?

In a way, Fujiwara could very well be talking about a favor for Kyon in this case. A favor for his past self to be precise. I suspect that this could be related to the time when Kyon was shot and Altair (or maybe Vega) was delivered to him via Miyoko.

That reminds me, there is a potential plot hole there. After Kyon was shot, Haruhi must have produced large quantities of junk data for Yuki and co. to expunge, but she didn't say a thing about it at that time and, IIRC, Mikuru and Kyon's PoVs didn't even mentioned a training session. One theory about this claims that future!Kyon and perhaps adult!Mikuru stood in for their past selves and helped past!Yuki to get rid of the junk data while keeping Kanae from noticing something amiss.

Ugh... In hindsight, I think I'm coming across as the annoying guy who always points out self-consistency issues... That can't be good.

@Taper: Thank you for identifying the costumes. Touhou is very much out of my ken.

edited quote for tidiness: ShowHide

Tsuruya	Sanae Kochiya, Wind Priestess
Yuki	Patchouli Knowledge, Great Unmoving Library
Kyon	Rinnosuke, The One Guy
Haruhi	Marisa Kirisame, Ordinary Witch (and thief)
Sasaki	Reimu Hakurei, Shrine Maiden of Paradise
Mikuru	Koakuma, Little Devil (and Patchouli's assistant/familiar/librarian)
Kyouko	Ichirin Kumoi, Buddhist Nun (Unzan's hitbox)
Koizumi	Unzan, Old Man Cloud (Ichirin's partner)
Imouto	Tewi Inaba, Rabbit of Good Fortune
Kanae	Suwako Moriya, Epitome of Native Gods
Kuyou	Kaguya Houraisan, Immortal Moon Princess (and yes, that Kaguya-hime)

[Brian]

Um... I've noticed something while reading this chapter(I have highlighted it in bold text)...

[...]

...considering that, before the anger fit, Haruhi called Tsuruya "Tsu-chan", the change in honorific is very noticeable in this chapter, as it would signify how bad it really is at this point.

Yeah, if that's too much, I can reduce it to merely Tsuruya's full name without diminutive.  I worry about it being missed, but as obvious as other signs are in the chapter, it's probably not needed.

[Brian]

I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit.  Haruhi is, yes, being overly harsh toward Tsuruya, and Tsuruya is feeling guilty in too many ways to act back -- but it makes sense, given the situation. As to the ending/cliffhanger - yes, Kyon, that's _exactly_ when to hit the panic button.

Okay.  Sounds like I got some parts right, but could still tune it a bit.

Other notes, with context (a bit long, so I'll use the spoiler compression):

Spoiler: ShowHide

I think that getting Haruhi into Kyon's mom's good graces wouldn't actually be that hard, at this point -- knowing that the highly-thought-of Sasaki is friends with Haruhi, and remembering that it wasTsuruya and not Haruhi that got Kyon into his Life of Crime, would probably do wonders for her attitude.

Yes, but, Haruhi is afraid of Kyon's mother because of the threat to pull him from the club, too.  She's also listed as the 'bad influence' (even though she's a reliable study partner and Tsuruya's an organized crime heiress; was aiming for irony on that one).  Things could be improved, but the situation is too stressful for Haruhi and Kyon for that to occur to either of them at the moment.

...don't like how much of this is coming across as me trying to justify the story outside of the story. >_<

I enjoy Iyouji's scenes -- he's got such a personality.

Well, years of GMing experience (Hi, Ko!) have taught me a good bit about creating characters, so I'm glad that he's working out. :D

Also was kind of fun to have him see something that wasn't a fight.  I think it was actually Hal's suggestion to use him there; I was otherwise going to create another character, until Hal pointed out that Iyouji would work. :p

He wondered if he might enjoy a life outside of crime more.... Really, the greater issues were with capability, but as it was, handling finances for a small model shop was within his capabilities. The owner, Yamatsuchi Keiji, wasn't fully a part of the organization, but didn't mind working with them -- or the help that Iyouji could bring in.

Not quite sure what the second sentence there means -- "the greater trouble (with pursuing non-criminal work) were with his own skillset" or similar?  The repetitive "capability/capabilities" part doesn't help.

Um ... first instance replaced with 'credentials'.

Wait a minute-- "Yamatsuchi Keiji", owner of a model shop? Is he the---

[H]e'd mentioned to Iyouji once that he'd even accepted endorsements from some high-school children working on a movie for their cultural festival.

I'll take that as a yes. Bravo, sir.

...and after Hal suggested Iyouji, the rest of this just fell into place. :3

(You don't often hear about "high-school children" -- should "children" be "students"?  Or if you want to emphasize the "children" part, maybe  "some children working on a movie for their high school's cultural festival".)

Students.

Only other thing I can comment on quickly is the Touhou cosplay.-- WOW. Great and hilarious (as a Touhou fan). To confirm the costume assignments:
Tsuruya - Sanae Kochiya, Wind Priestess
Yuki - Patchouli Knowledge, Great Unmoving Library
Kyon - Rinnosuke, The One Guy
Haruhi - Marisa Kirisame, Ordinary Witch (and thief)
Sasaki - Reimu Hakurei, Shrine Maiden of Paradise
Mikuru -  Koakuma, Little Devil (and Patchouli's assistant/familiar/librarian)
Kyoko - Ichirin Kumoi, Buddhist Nun (Unzan's hitbox)
Koizumi - Unzan, Old Man Cloud (Ichirin's partner)
Imouto - Tewi Inaba, Rabbit of Good Fortune
Kanae - Suwako Moriya, Epitome of Native Gods
Kuyou - Kaguya Houraisan, Immortal Moon Princess (and yes, that Kaguya-hime)

I'm not sure how much to read into these castings, though I see a few interesting parallels...

You got them right (or I got the costumes *glances at Hal's post* ... mostly right).

I'll  need to  comment a bit more on the post-dance chatting, especially that interesting conversation with Fujiwara.  Some disturbing possibilities have reared their heads... later, though; I'm up too late as it is.

Alright -- thanks for the comments. :D

Anyway, hope not too much of that was useless blurbling.  Good work overall.

[Brian]

Touhou-hohohoho!

Oh noes!  Correction danmaku!  D:

* Brian bombs moar, wiping out comments he will use without reply!

Spoiler: ShowHide

You haven't been capitalizing 'ninkyo dantai' up to now, probably best not to start here.

I don't know why that was capitalized. :x

Adding on after further review: yeah, I don't see the 'falling behind' concern being there as much; she doesn't actually show much concern at all about Mikuru's date with Kyon, other than some mild jealousy (wishing that it could be her instead of Mikuru), and actually wants to do whatever she can to make Mikuru's date go well, by keeping an eye on Sasaki. So I see this less as a generalized fear of falling behind and more something specific to Tsuruya.

More annoyance of Tsuruya getting ahead, yeah. :x

Outdated information at this point - Akane really isn't all that thrilled with the engagement any more, but whether Haruhi would know about that I'm not sure. I'd need to go see how much her reaction to Nonoko's 'abduction' during the slider invasion got noticed by anyone else other than Kyon.

Well, it was only Mikuru and Kanae (of the Brigade girls), and they both left almost as soon as Kyon's parents showed up.  Naturally, Kyon's not about to tell Tsuruya, "By the way, my parents wish they hadn't engaged me to you," any time soon, unless it's followed up by, "So I'd like to move in with you (or Yuki, since she's got a spare room, too)."

I suspect she'd be a lot more open-minded about actually finding out about Haruhi now as well.

Yeah, but the Brigade's not really been meeting with her.

Repetition of 'surprising/surprised'. Maybe something in the first sentence about her being curious about what it was that Haruhi had planned? If the invitation wasn't very specific, she might only have a vague idea of what's going to happen.

Replaced the first instance with exciting.

You have boom-box hyphenated most of the other times I see it in the chapter. I think either works, just needs to be consistent.

Hyphenated.  Looks like I just missed this one. :x

This seems a little awkward. Were you going for "the only one of Fujiya Masao's men"?

Not ... quite.  Ironically, some of the ones that Kyon had injured weren't around to be busted, so they're free, too. >_>;

That's not particularly relevant unless I want an awkward scene of one of them thanking Kyon for beating them up (and keeping them out of jail). <_<;;;

Anyway:

As the police were not able to charge him with any specific crime, Maruyama Iyouji hadn't been held for long after the Sumiyoshi-rengo had been raided.  That meant he was one one of the few men who were loyal to Fujiya Masao who still walked free.  Since it was assumed that he was still being closely watched by both the police and the Sumiyoshi-rengo that wouldn't be pleased about the defection....

the man had borrowed money from the Tsuruya-tachi to get started

I would think this would be better as Tsuruya-gumi, since that seems to imply the larger organization that Kenshiro heads up, rather than a smaller group (the first thing I think of with Tsuruya-tachi is Haruka and Kyon's small branch of the larger organization). If you do decide on the change, there are at least two other references in the same section.

Ah ... yes.  Oops. :x

And this is a ninkyo dantai PoV, so he'd go with '-gumi' over '-tachi.'

Didn't he loan them the air gun as well?

Y...es.  But he probably didn't mention that to Iyouji.

And costume nitpicks! Going to spoiler this separately since there's a lot of fiddly details.

<_<

[spoiler]

Her costume was a stylized set of miko robes--  In blue rather than the more traditional red

With the way the previous paragraph ends, you probably want to reference Tsuruya here more directly, since it's not as clear who 'her' refers to anymore.

Also, no need for caps on "in".

Oh, the hyphen thing--  It's one sentence ending abruptly, it's not an emdash -- like you would put in the middle of a sentence (as a semi-colon).  Yes, this does make the second part a stylistic fragment--  I'm okay with that.

One hand hefted a shake -- a wooden scepter with a square piece of paper attached to the top.

Should be 'shaku', and since this is an uncommon loanword I'd recommend putting it in italics.

Haven't ... done that with any other loanwords, so I don't think I should start now. <_<;;

Was that part of the costume, or her own modesty?  He couldn't think that someone who dressed up like that in public had modesty as the greatest concern.

Repetition of 'modesty'. I'd reference her lack of embarrassment ("someone who dressed like that in public was worried about embarrassment at all!")

Ah, good call.

This would be a sarashi, but whether you want to use the actual Japanese term or not is up to you. Iyouji would probably at least know what it was, though, as it's related to traditional Japanese attire.

Got enough going on that one more shouldn't hurt.

May also want to note that the sleeves are detached. Armpit references are optional. =P

Will pass; there's enough fetish fuel already. >.>

Kanae: "I just got ideas for like, thirty new doujin~!"
Kyon: "...I feel a chill up my spine for some reason."

the white blouse she wore over the black vest and matching short skirt could fit in almost anywhere. Well, there was probably some tinting in her hair, and the red of her eyes were undoubtedly contacts as well

Minor ordering issue. The vest would be worn over the blouse, not the other way around. =P

Changed to 'over'.

Oddly enough, Mikuru probably doesn't need hair dye or a wig either, although I can see Iyouji thinking that she did. Her normal hair color is almost the same as Koakuma's anyway.

That was my thought, yeah.

Suggestion:

and underneath the nearly waist-length hood was a long-sleeved, knee-length white gown, with a blue, flame-like pattern at the hem

Lots of hyphenated words, but more accurate to the character's description.

Reference image: http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:Th12IchirinKumoi.png

Huh.  The original image I had was a bit more fanservicey.

'had' for 'hat' again, and while it's never really specified I imagine it actually -is- a straw hat, not just straw-colored.

Alrighty.  Annoying that I'm making such horrible and constant spelling errors. >_<

I've seen some variations on what the dress actually is (whether it's two pieces or one), but you could probably refer to the dress as a jumper or pinafore and get away with it. For the blouse, you might want to note that the sleeves are hugely baggy, and the one thing that's missing is that she's got white kneesocks.

Reference images: http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:GoMIllus-Suwako.jpg
http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/File:Th123Suwako.png

Both of those look like two pieces to me.  But sure, jumper just to avoid repetition!

and Sakanaka had been told by Haruhi, too

"told" seems a little odd here. Maybe "informed" instead?

Hmm.  Will reword, I think:

Naturally, she'd hauled Taniguchi with her, and Haruhi had mentioned it to Sakanaka, as well.

Lots of comma-age here. I'd mix it up a little:

not sure what to expect -- merely standing by in the hall of the train station with cell phone cameras at the ready

Alrighty.

gestured to the other girls--  More that Yanagimoto didn't recognize

Don't need to capitalize 'more' here.

Same thing with starting a stylistic sentence fragment.  If I had two clauses that were complete sentences and were using instead of a semi-colon, then yeah.

Seems off, somehow, although I can't pin it down to a rule (I know I'm forgetting something). Regardless, I'd suggest "the original Brigade members moving with her to make room".

Should be 'she and' not 'her'.  Also means I need to name Sasaki in the same sentence:

"E...everyone!" she called out, not quite as confident as she appeared to hope.  Her face flushed, and Haruhi looked surprised before moving to the side, she and the original Brigade members moving to make room for Sasaki in the center.  "Kuyou-chan, Kyouko-chan -- ah, Imouto, Tsuruya-san, we can do this too, right?"

Sakanaka stiffened, eyes widened, a small alarmed noise escaping as her gaze went to....

Tense oddities.

Sakanaka stiffened, eyes widening as a small alarmed noise escaped her, while her gaze went to...

I went with 'eyes wide'.

Or better, the boyfriend beside her

Would suggest "or better yet". Capitalization is optional at this point as well, although I'd personally recommend against it.

Bah.

Fine, I'll drop that stylistic element.  Lemme just go back and wipe out all the others....

It's one of those things where I try and have narration go like speech patterns--  Not always the best idea; just trying to capture something that needs to be restrained to dialog, not narration.

Sasaki may not be fully in the loop, and they may not want to refer to the Sumiyoshi-rengo directly in public, but Kyon could probably connect the group Tsuruya was facing with the same folks that kidnapped Sasaki, to connect the dots a little more.

True enough.

mostly because his parents give him crap about using force

I'd think this should be 'gave'? It's not like it's come up recently, but I can see Haruhi assuming they might still feel the same way.

Yeah, Haruhi's stance on Kyon's parents has been 'avoid' for a very long time now (largely because of his mother).

Sasaki seems to be the focus character for this section, so this seems a bit direct for description. Maybe Sasaki noticing that Haruhi brightened up or something similar?

Got it.

Logically, this has to be Haruhi that she's talking to here, but calling that out specifically might be good.

That's easy enough:

"Haru-nee!  Haru-nee!  Can we watch the movie you made with Nii-san?" Nonoko asked excitedly, bouncing in her seat.

Repetition of powers. I'd suggest 'ability' for the first, but that runs into inability/ability; so a wider restructure:

While Haruhi still wasn't thrilled about Sasaki's lack of control of her ability to nullify other people's powers

Giving up on this; I spent an awful long time trying to make that neat.

It's a meta concept that's really difficult to express eloquently without repetition.  I'm just going to copy your suggestion in -- the alternative is to space things out and take several paragraphs to explain the exact same thing.

Not quite sure what you're angling for with "his face dark" here. Is he flushed because he's angry or embarrassed? Is his face shadowed for some reason?

"scowling"

Repetition from a couple of lines earlier. People do this in conversation all the time, so it's more excusable here than in narration, but you might want to lampshade it if so.

Will do.

Kind of gets back to a question from earlier, though, which is 'how much does the rest of the Brigade know about the attitude shift with Kyon's parents?'

It's all been shown onscreen.  Which is to say ... nothing.

wondering what they would be disagreeing on

Repetition of 'disagree' from a few lines up. Perhaps 'arguing about' instead?

Er, no....  Kyon undersells the difficulty, and doesn't realize how intense it is.  'Disagreement' seems minor to me, and 'argument' seems much firmer.  I'll reword.  Let's see....

I'll see what I can do," he promised, wondering what would have come up between them.

Or--  Or you're getting into a fight with Yuki, or time traveling with Mikuru!

Just a call-out. See the previous analysis for where I think Haruhi's upset; I don't think she's nearly as concerned about the others as she is about Tsuruya, at least at this point. There hasn't actually -been- all that much activity with the others in the past few days aside from Mikuru's date; most of it's centered around business with Tsuruya thanks to the kumichou showing up and Sasaki being abducted repeatedly.

As always, though, your call here.

How about:

"So--  I'm more than a little unhappy about not getting to spend time with you, alright, Kyon?  That's what's wrong--  I'm getting left out while you have to do big important things with her!  You're meeting some other boss who's not even one of _us_!  And after that, she goes ahead with you even further?!"

[/spoiler]

Apologies for the volume of nitpicks, but I really like the chapter over all. =)

Entirely my fault for not giving myself a polish phase.  Heck, I even forgot to give the chapter a title or an epigraph!  Man.

Sorry for making extra work for you. @_@

Thanks for the comments, and I'm glad the story works, even if the delivery was rough. >_>;;

And now, I quest for ... food of some sort.

[Ristridin]

Why did Haruhi correct Nonoko when she said there were eleven? I count eleven people (not including Ryouko); Sasaki, Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, Tsuruya, Kyouko, Itsuki, Nonoko, Kanae and Kuyou. It'd make sense if Nonoko said twelve (including Ryouko) and Haruhi eleven.

[Brian]

Just a typo; thanks for catching it. :)