[Ranma 1/2] [gloomy/gritty] And lo, the Mighty Have Fallen

[Brian]

Right.  I'll be working on getting this posted over the next few days/month.  I'm getting frustrated by my inability to write anything good in the Haruhi universe, so pulling this off the backburner.  I've got about forty chapters completed, but haven't looked at them in a long while, so will post them as I finish revising.

The story's kind of set at this point, though grammatical corrections and other observations are welcome.

The story is generally dark, gritty, and violent, not overly comedic; it's an action/fantasy, pretty much Ranma 1/2 fused with a grim retelling of some aspects of Japanese folklore (and older) into a semi-original story.

Squick warning:

Spoiler: ShowHide

This story features Ranma not pairing up with Akane, and may feature him pairing up with more than one (non-Akane) girl.  There are ancient and probably evil spirits and voices from beyond the spheres that speak into people's minds and influence them directly.  At a few points it's demonstrated that the villains are not Nice People, and may have done such nefarious deeds as committing rape, murder, human trafficking, and tax fraud.

If these things squick you, this is a fic to avoid.

I'm going to reserve the next two posts to add all the attachments for the various chapters (since Drac upped the limit to 20), and will add in text as I finish them, followed by replacing them with .htm once I get them semi-complete.

[Brian]

<reserved for additional chapters>

[Brian]

<reserved for additional chapters>

[Muphrid]

Prologue:

Mechanical stuff:

Spoiler: ShowHide

The combat spatula that was his family's stock in trade had failed him some time ago, but he didn't know if having his weapon of choice would make a difference now.  If he'd had his way, he would the comforting grip of the spatula, and the anonymity of being just another yattai owner, fading into the background without the threat of violence.

He would prefer?  Or something else?

He ignored the blossoming pain, responding to the salaryman's lunge in a rush of adrenaline and raw power.  His opponent was too slow -- he received a crushing blow on his wrist, shattering the joint with a sickeningly moist impact.  The attacker's eyes widened, but he allowed himself only a hiss, cradling his wounded and bloodied hand protectively as he leapt back, while his companions exchanged a silent glance.  Spinning in the moonlight, the tanto descended towards the pavement, seeming to slow of its own volition as the other two men drew their own blades and advanced, setting into their opponent savagely.

By the time the dropped tanto had reached the ground, Akira seemed to shift and ... blur ... more than actually move.  The second salaryman received a crushed collarbone and several ruined ribs, while his companion barely dodged a blow that would have destroyed his pelvic arc, still receiving an impact that shattered his kneecap on the back-swing.

Variations on receive are used three times in these two paragraphs.  It strikes me as a little passive, but there may not be much obvious to do about it.  I also notice that crush and shatter are used twice as well.  This isn't really a problem in itself since there are only so many applicable words for these injuries anyway, but I felt that pointing it out could do no harm if you wanted to vary things more on a second look.

Content:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Ukyo's father Akira is confronted in an alleyway in Sakai, and he uses some fairly impressive skills to take down his three foes.  As he leaves the scen with a poisoned blade in his back, we have this:

Akira was already gone, hurrying into the night, and muttering to himself, "You've failed, you're a dead man, and Saotome Genma is going to join you!  The entire strength of the Gounomono-no-Hogosha cannot save him now!"

While in canon Ukyo's father and Genma might not have left on the best of terms, here it seems like they must be allies and Akira is chastizing himself for having been beaten this way.  That's the best I can figure it; it could be I'm reading this incorrectly.

Akira makes for a Shinto shrine, he seems resistant to passing on some sort of burden to Ukyo, and it seems like he starts trying to ask the gods not to force that task onto Ukyo, but his strength fails him, and Ukyo senses it from afar that he's gone and that something has fallen to her to take up.  That's what I think is going on?  I'm not really sure if I've got it right.  This being a bit in medias res, I don't think that's unwarranted.  Readers should be asking questions, after all, and as long as their first opinion on what's happening is fairly decent, it's probably good.

I think.

Anyway, there's quite a bit of vocabulary I'm not familiar with, but most of it is explained in place, so I don't think that's a problem, either.

Chapter 1:

Technicalities:

Spoiler: ShowHide

She simply shook her head absently, raising a hand to wipe at her forehead before gathering her lunch and rising to her feet.  "Nothing to worry about," she said, hating the nausea that assailed her as she turned to walk away.  Growling fiercely and tensing herself, she strode forward, pretending none of the dizziness that she felt.

Is this "pretending none" construction something I'm just not familiar with?

The dust rose from where her bare feet thumped into the ground, little puffs springing up behind her, while the rapidly disappearing yatai threw up larger clouds, obscuring her ward further.

You spelled it yattai in the prologue.  There are a couple places where this is done, at that.

She nodded emphatically.  "I do, Ranma."  He didn't miss that there was no one else on the street to address, and realized that Akane really did think he'd made a mistake.  "I don't think you should have abandoned her like that."

She answers Ranma's question directly here; why is there any question that she's speaking only to him?

Akane's anger abated at this reminder of his planned attendance.  "You'd better not miss it," she warned, "but it's at the same time we always have dinner, Ranma.  At six.  You'd better pay more attention to what you say so you don't hurt your _friend's_ feelings."

You could just say directly that dinner is at six or it's the same time as usual without saying both.

Akane's anger abated at this reminder of his planned attendance.  "You'd better not miss it," she warned, "but it's at the same time we always have dinner, Ranma.  At six.  You'd better pay more attention to what you say so you don't hurt your _friend's_ feelings."

He tried not to roll his eyes as the unsubtle reminder that Ukyou was also a fiancee, then nodded, turning away and wondering ... how had he known what to say?  "Just lucky, I guess," he mumbled to himself, out of Akane's earshot.

I'm not sure I understand either how this is a reminder that Ukyo's a fiancee.

"Three fifty eight," he murmured.  "Good."

Three fifty-eight.

"Saotome, my friend!" the man called.  "I thought you might be in here when you didn't wake Ranma up this morning."

Doesn't Soun usually refer to him as "Saotome-kun"?  Also, I think I saw somewhere that it's "technically" Souun.  Not that that's easy on the eyes.

That was his favorite part of the sparring match, he realized.  Where he was so instinctual and going with his reflexes that he made almost no conscious decisions, merely being a part of the combat.  He shook himself free of the trance in time to realize that the first round was a draw -- his fist was resting against Soun's windpipe, but Soun's knife-hand was touching his belly right beneath his lowest rib.

Are you happy with this sentence fragment?  The tenses seem a bit strange in it, too.

"What do you care?" Akane asked, rolling her eyes.  "It's not like people still bet on Kuno, do they?"

This I'm less sure of, but doesn't she refer to him as Kuno-sempai?  Or Kunou?

Content:

Spoiler: ShowHide

It's lunchtime at school, and Ukyo, Ranma, and Akane are having lunch together, but Ukyo quickly makes her exit, feeling unwell.  Ranma wonders if he should follow up on that, but he can't think of any reason why she whould've been ill before.

Back home, Ukyo curls on her futon, still uneasy, reflecting on what's happened.  It seems whatever her father was involved with entailed missions and some sort of force (Guonomono-no-Hogosha) that can work against one's conscious will, though in theory it should only do that with some subconscious acceptance of what it can do.  The disorienting effects of the force fade, and she tries to sleep.

Akane reflects as she follows Ranma to Ukyo's shop, how Ranma had just reclaimed his manhood from the Musk Dynasty goons, how she realized she felt something for him, but Ranma couldn't return her embrace, and since then, they hadn't acknowledged any such thing happening at all.  So Akane waits, hoping Ranma will return her feelings and show her some evidence to that effect, but it's taking it's toll on her to do so.

They arrive at Ukyo's shop, and Ranma goes alone to Ukyo's room, feeling a tingling senstation throughout.

Flashback:  Akira is telling Ukyo about her "ward" (someone she'll be assigned to protect, I'm guessing), and that unlike the way it typically is, it'll be a boy instead of a girl.  This ties into Ranma and Genma stealing the yattai from her; it means more than just rejection.  It's a failure of her duty.  Her father tries to encourage her all the same, and we see that "Gounomono-no-Hogosha" describes Akira and Ukyo to Genma and Ranma, respectively.  Ukyo has to grow strong without Ranma at the very least.

Ranma sees Ukyo now, and she explains that her father's died.  As he and Akane walk back home, he wonders if he should go back, seeming a bit...indecisive, honestly, that he keeps asking Akane's opinion.  Ranma also seems to have some help navigating a conversation with Akane, like the mysterious force is aiding him to get back to Ukyo safely.  Ukyo is really out of it when Ranma gets back there, and Ranma feels strange as he tries to leave.

We meet Hiromasu, who does some craftiness in a love hotel to keep from being followed.  He's bound to notify Ukyo of what's happened, and he does some more trickery to lose his tail.  He reaches Ukyo, but of course she already knows her father is gone, and she says she has to leave the Kouda, though they don't need to explain to each other what that is.  She takes her father's weapon, and they make for the Tendo home.  The Amazons, it seems, are interested in what's going on, too, as Cologne rouses Shampoo.  Genma, meanwhile, is feeling some disquiet, and he begins to meditate.  Ukyo finds and disrupts a mysterious cloud that seemed destined for Genma, and she and Hiro leave, as well as the Amazons.

Genma and Soun spar in the morning, and Genma reflects on how much better Ranma is, whether he's running out of things to teach Ranma.

Hiromasu insists on staying in town, so he's going to pretend to be Ukyo's cousin.  He ends up going to the Tendo house to watch Ranma, but this scene where Ranma is reflecting on fatigue and alarm clocks isn't really clear that Hiromasu is actually watching him or where he could be watching Ranma from.

It's supposed to be Saturday; I know at that time there were still half-day sessions at schools, but do they start later?  Because Genma says "why not let the boy get a little more sleep?"  Unless it's not enough extra sleep to affect going to school.  Ranma does, after all, wake up before Nabiki anyway.

Hiromasu asks Ukyo about what the deal is, which she still evades, but the cloud that went after Genma (was it Genma?) will be back more solidly next time.

On the way home from school, Ranma thinks about chi manipulation a little more, has a conversation with Akane and Nabiki.  Ranma thinks he might be being drained of energy, I take it, and that that's responsible for his fatigue earlier.

Ranma spends some time honing his chi-sense, which Genma notices.  Ranma shows Genma a flaw in his technique as a result.  He seems to figure out how to become invisible, but at the cost of depriving himself of sight, and when he's finished, Ukyo approaches him, wanting to speak with him.

Overall:  I think this is pretty good.  It's dialogue-heavy, but that doesn't make it unreadable; far from it, the piece keeps a pretty good pace as a result.  I like the character of Hiromasu, and I think he makes all this new background for Ukyo and her father a lot more concrete.  Still, at this point in time, it's not entirely clear what the threat is.  It doesn't need to be clear, though, and that information is sure to come in the next chapter.  Still, I do notice that there's a lot going on in a lot of different places in this story.  We must've followed at least six different characters through perspective changes so far, so this gives an impression of pretty broad scope, but it's also a good bit of stuff to keep track of.

[Brian]

I'm surprised ... I thought the writing was pretty weak in places. :x

I'll reply in more detail tomorrow later. >_<

Another chapter up.  Going slower than I'd hoped....

[Muphrid]

For chapter 2: lumping everything together, but content observations and technical ones will still be separated chronologically, if only so I don't have to interrupt the flow of things.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Ranma stuck his hands into his pockets and leaned away from Ukyou slightly, giving her an appraising look.  The outfit she normally was clean, no evidence of cuts, tears, or bloodstains.  Her eyes were clouded, slightly downcast, and seemed to be unable to meet his own, staring fixedly at his feet.  Her hands were clasped behind her back, and while she had forgone the larger weapon, a bandolier of throwing spatulas was over one shoulder.

"The outfit she normally..." wore?  There seems to be a missing verb.

   Of course he had caught the keen whistle of a projectile -- or many of them -- through the air.  He charged up the slope of the roof, towards his fiancee, one arm reaching to catch her in passing.  Ukyou wasn't faster than him, but she was further up the slope of the roof, and was able to scramble back upwards herself before Ranma reached her.  The two stopped at the peak of the roof together, and spun when a familiar form landed, curved Chinese sword in hand as a cluster of thrown knives embedded themselves in the roof.

The commas in the underlined are unnecessary.

   Ranma shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably.  While he was very curious about whatever Ukyou was trying to explain, he didn't think he should just ask her to spit it out while she was thinking of her father.  He really wanted to know what balance had to do with things, though.

Getting out of more or less objective stuff for a moment: this registers a little bit on my show vs. tell meter.  I know you probably don't want to have to write the whole thing again from scratch, but it struck me that this might be a spot to show Ranma's curiosity and interest in balance without simply telling it.

   "Well, no, because _your_ ancestors were interested in one fairly specific enemy.  So when the Emperor turned on them, a few escaped to a temple where they managed a ceremony that would place the burden of the entire bloodline, well, all of Japan, really, on the eldest member of the bloodline.  It's ... a curse, and a seal.  But it's not a perfect seal.

This is Ukyo's explanation for why the world isn't overrun, and it doesn't really answer the question.  If she'd said, "No, the world isn't overrun because some of your ancestors escaped," then it would seem logical.  I'm just not sure how their interest in "one specific enemy" answers the question.

   Ukyou stared at her feet.  "The curse on your bloodline is more powerful than you think," she said after a moment.  "When it begins, more ... enemies ... show up every time the moon changes its phase, and each one is more than twice as powerful as the last.  They come in seven waves, starting from the full moon.  If your ancestors couldn't stamp out the enemy before the Emperor turned on them, how could they win with only a handful of survivors?  So the two brothers and their sister swore a vow that they would each work in different ways to the same goal."

The phrasing in this paragraph is also awkward.  "If your ancestors..." and on should be restructured, I think, to something like, "Your ancestors couldn't stamp out..." so the handful of survivors devised a new approach to carry out their work even when reduced to almost nothing, or something like that.

   Ranma considered that, since Ukyou wasn't saying anything more for the moment, still staring at her feet, and now fidgeting nervously with a spatula from her bandoleer.  "So.  There's the eldest.  He's got the demons after him already.  So he ... brings his brother along with him to help him out, and sends his sister to try and ... um ... that's, what, two or three months?  I'm not seeing the bloodline survive here -- help me out, Ucchan."

Now you're spelling it bandoleer (it was bandolier earlier).

   Ranma considered that, since Ukyou wasn't saying anything more for the moment, still staring at her feet, and now fidgeting nervously with a spatula from her bandoleer.  "So.  There's the eldest.  He's got the demons after him already.  So he ... brings his brother along with him to help him out, and sends his sister to try and ... um ... that's, what, two or three months?  I'm not seeing the bloodline survive here -- help me out, Ucchan."

I'm not even sure how Ranma comes up with even this much of a guess.  It doesn't seem to follow.

   Ranma was still considering what Ukyou had said while he was on his way to meet with Koh-Lon and Shan-Pu.  He was not so lost in thought that he didn't pay attention to his surroundings, so he came to a halt on a flat rooftop long before Mu-Si actually reached him.

What is it he was considering about what she'd said?  (More show/tell stuff, really.)

   The Chinese boy did not immediately attack once he reached Ranma, even though he had his glasses on for once.  "What's up, Mu-Si?  You here for a fight?" Ranma asked, wondering if he'd get to try to learn Mu-Si's hidden weapons trick.

The wondering part seems a bit tacked on.


So here's what happens: Ranma and Ukyo's talk is interrupted by Shampoo, who warns Ranma that evil spirits are near.  It seems like this should be related to what Ukyo has to say, but I can only infer she doesn't want to speak of what she has to say around Shampoo, so she stays quiet, and Ranma asks Shampoo to leave so he and Ukyo can continue their conversation.  Ukyo says Ranma's ancestors tried to act as replacements for departed Guardians, and this ties into what Ranma was experimenting with earlier:  balance in things.  A misguided conclusion based on balance is what led to most of Ranma's family being executed.  Some of them escaped and conceived of a ritual to place the "burden of the entire bloodline, wlel, all of Japan, really, on the eldest member".  To be honest, I'm not sure what that means.  How is the burden on all of Japan?

Conveniently, it takes much time for the enemy of the Saotome bloodline to become a threat, so they're only becoming a threat now (this is a reasonable explanation for why Japan isn't overrun).  Ukyo explains some more mechanics of the Saotome curse about when enemies will come and in what numbers.  Ukyo explains that from two brothers and a sister, the cycle has been like this:  one member of the older brother's bloodline is protected by a corresponding member of the younger's, and the sister's bloodline runs a monastery to train people in support.  Just as Akira had to protect Genma, so does Ukyo have to protect Ranma.  And it's important enough to her that she'd give up the engagement.  Hm, it's only a small surprise given the attention she's given to her duty so far.  Whether Ranma wants her to is less clear:  he wisely thinks that it's not the time to press the issue.

Ranma asks Ukyo to accompany him to see Cologne, since it all does seem related, but Ukyo doesn't want to reveal everything just yet, so she asks Ranma to go alone and come back with what he finds out.  This seems like a sensible precaution given Ukyo's skepticism of them.

Ukyo goes home encouraged that Ranma did listen to her and starts to feel more comfortable with her supernatural sense of where Ranma is at all times.  She and Hiromasu get into it a little bit when she gets back, but she quickly gets to sleep.

Hiromasu reflects on how much better Ranma must be than him (the anecdote about the kicked rock makes this pretty easy to imagine) and runs into Ryoga out of the blue via an exploding wall.  Well, that was unexpected, wasn't it, Hiro?

Ranma arrives at the Cat Cafe, with Mousse respectfully allowing him in with only a small warning about staying away from Shampoo.  Cologne shows him a magic folding piece of paper that, natrually, Ranma can't read (genius, Cologne, genius!).  Cologne offers one of these to help Ranma detect danger, but Ranma wants to know how to hurt it and he starts spilling the beans about how it's after his father, and this gives Cologne and Shampoo an in to hold hostage what they know in exchange for a date with Shampoo (good job, Ranma; should've kept quiet).  Ranma begins to see how he needs to be more careful and not get outmaneuvered in conversation, just as he doesn't want to be flanked in battle.  Having realized the importance of that point, he heads to Ukyo's.  I think this scene is pretty good, as it makes a lot of sense for the Chinese to be forthcoming, but not so forthcoming as to ignore their own interests.

Ranma makes to Ukyo's, and they discuss what Cologne had to say as well as the next opponent to face.  When Ranma is surprised by Ukyo's description, she says,

   "You should watch more anime," Ukyou advised.

Very nice.

Ukyo tells Ranma about Hiromasu and he, in return, tells her about the date, and they work out some contingency plans in case things don't go quite the way they expect.

Back at home, Akane is waiting for Ranma in his room, and they have a somewhat evasive conversation, with Ranma being particularly careful (in light of his earlier contemplation of conversations) and not really telling her much, only promising to do so later.  He reflects on what happened after Herb and how Akane hugging him that way made him uneasy and uncertain.  He suspects it might've meant something, but he just isn't really sure.

Ranma has a spooky dream involving fire, so I guess this is why he arrived at Ukyo's in the morning as a girl (maybe he drenched himself to get rid of the sensation? but then he says he doesn't know how he got wet).  Ranma meets Hiro, who isn't exactly clued in on Ranma as a girl thing, which gives a funny moment, and then there's a reference to Martial Arts eating and Ukyo feeling stuffed as Ranma forces two okonomiyaki down her throat in an instant.  That's fun, too. 

Ukyou winced at the amount.  "Well, I get the point," she said, winking and picking up her large combat spatula.  "I won't make you wait any longer -- you already paid enough to speed me up."

I'm not sure what this is about, but it seems important.  Speed up?

And we end with Ranma and Ukyo arriving to meet Cologne and Shampoo.

Overall, this chapter, with the explanations of what's going on and all, seems fairly clear.  I felt like the narrative was a little less disjointed and that everything had a logical progression.  I think there just may be a few things to tweak stylistically if at all.  The background we've seen is pretty cool.

[Brian]

Okay, sorry about the delay.  Side-tracking and all....  Got the first five chapters up and .htmlified now.  Will try and reply to your comments tonight, Muphrid. :x

[Edward]

Good to see this again.  The posted bits are well worth re-reading till we get to something that's new for me.

[Brian]

Prologue: Mechanical stuff:

Spoiler: ShowHide

The combat spatula that was his family's stock in trade had failed him some time ago, but he didn't know if having his weapon of choice would make a difference now.  If he'd had his way, he would the comforting grip of the spatula, and the anonymity of being just another yattai owner, fading into the background without the threat of violence.

He would prefer?  Or something else?

Missing prefer, yes.

He ignored the blossoming pain, responding to the salaryman's lunge in a rush of adrenaline and raw power.  His opponent was too slow -- he received a crushing blow on his wrist, shattering the joint with a sickeningly moist impact.  The attacker's eyes widened, but he allowed himself only a hiss, cradling his wounded and bloodied hand protectively as he leapt back, while his companions exchanged a silent glance.  Spinning in the moonlight, the tanto descended towards the pavement, seeming to slow of its own volition as the other two men drew their own blades and advanced, setting into their opponent savagely.

By the time the dropped tanto had reached the ground, Akira seemed to shift and ... blur ... more than actually move.  The second salaryman received a crushed collarbone and several ruined ribs, while his companion barely dodged a blow that would have destroyed his pelvic arc, still receiving an impact that shattered his kneecap on the back-swing.

Variations on receive are used three times in these two paragraphs.  It strikes me as a little passive, but there may not be much obvious to do about it.  I also notice that crush and shatter are used twice as well.  This isn't really a problem in itself since there are only so many applicable words for these injuries anyway, but I felt that pointing it out could do no harm if you wanted to vary things more on a second look.

Hmm.  The scene could just be a bit over-the-top in general?  It does set a tone, though, so....  I'll see what I can do here.

He ignored the blossoming pain, responding to the salaryman's lunge in a rush of adrenaline and raw power.  His opponent was too slow -- he was sent a crushing blow on his wrist, snapping the joint with a sickeningly moist impact.  The attacker's eyes widened, but he allowed himself only a hiss, cradling his wounded and bloodied hand protectively as he leapt back, while his companions exchanged a silent glance.  Spinning in the moonlight, the tanto descended towards the pavement, seeming to slow of its own volition as the other two men drew their own blades and advanced, setting into their opponent savagely.

   By the time the dropped tanto had reached the ground, Akira seemed to shift and ... blur ... more than actually move.  The second salaryman received a shattered collarbone and several ruined ribs, while his companion barely dodged a blow that would have destroyed his pelvic arc, still taking an impact that smashed his kneecap on the back-swing.

   The lone man was good; probably much better than all three salarymen.  The time for games was long past as he rose; the burning pain in his shoulder suddenly began to lessen, sensation fading as a wave of dizziness threatened to send him crashing to the ground.  He grit his teeth, sweeping the keibo backwards quickly enough to make the air snap, a startlingly loud noise in the night.

Content:

Spoiler: ShowHide

[...]Readers should be asking questions, after all, and as long as their first opinion on what's happening is fairly decent, it's probably good.

I think.

Anyway, there's quite a bit of vocabulary I'm not familiar with, but most of it is explained in place, so I don't think that's a problem, either.

That is ... pretty much what I was aiming for.  If you come back to this later (or something later calls back to this) and you feel something is still off -- I think the prologue is weak, still.  Actually, reading over it through my 'I wrote this!?' glasses, some of the overarching plot strikes me as a bit weak in places. >_>;;

Still, I'm going to try and push on, so....  Yeah. :x

Chapter 1:

Technicalities:

Spoiler: ShowHide

She simply shook her head absently, raising a hand to wipe at her forehead before gathering her lunch and rising to her feet.  "Nothing to worry about," she said, hating the nausea that assailed her as she turned to walk away.  Growling fiercely and tensing herself, she strode forward, pretending none of the dizziness that she felt.

Is this "pretending none" construction something I'm just not familiar with?

I believe it actually is.  It's impossible for me to find an example, so it could be too archaic to use here.  Sadness.  Anyway, if you trip over it, it could easily stand being polished.

Growling fiercely and tensing herself, she strode forward, trying to pretend she didn't feel the waves of dizziness

You spelled it yattai in the prologue.  There are a couple places where this is done, at that.

It should be 'yatai' with only one 't'.

She answers Ranma's question directly here; why is there any question that she's speaking only to him?

That's a good question.  I have no idea. :p  I just omitted the line between her dialog.  Didn't add anything anyway.

You could just say directly that dinner is at six or it's the same time as usual without saying both.

I hate past me('s writing). >.<  Will do.

Akane's anger abated at this reminder of his planned attendance.  "It's at six, as always, and you'd better not miss it," she warned.  "Anyway -- try to pay more attention to what you say so you don't hurt your _friend's_ feelings."

You'd better pay more attention to what you say so you don't hurt your _friend's_ feelings."

He tried not to roll his eyes as the unsubtle reminder that Ukyou was also a fiancee, then nodded, turning away and wondering ... how had he known what to say?  "Just lucky, I guess," he mumbled to himself, out of Akane's earshot.

I'm not sure I understand either how this is a reminder that Ukyo's a fiancee.[/quote]

Hmm, maybe it wasn't that direct.  More a reminder that Akane's not happy about Ranma being alone with another girl.  The emphasis on friends was meant to remind Ranma not to be a pervert.

Akane: "Like he always is!"
Ukyou: "You know, Ranchan, she's probably going to hit you for this."
Ranma: "Story of my life. -_-"
Uykou: "What's that saying -- 'If you're going to do the time, may as well do the crime'~?  :D"
Ranma: >_>;;

Let me try another crack at that.

Akane's anger abated at this reminder of his planned attendance.  "It's at six, as always, and you'd better not miss it," she warned.  "Anyway -- try to pay more attention to what you say so you don't hurt her feelings.  You are supposed to be her _friend_."

   He tried not to roll his eyes as the unsubtle reminder of the rivalry between Ukyou and Akane as his fiancees.  They usually got along fine, but Akane was really never thrilled about him spending _any_ time with other girls.  Though, considering that....

     As he turned and walked away he had to wonder ... how had he known what to say?  "Just lucky, I guess," he mumbled to himself, out of Akane's earshot.

Better?  Feel free to point out any other clunky/lousy spots.  I did a _lot_ of revision before posting, but even after not looking at this thing for ... oh ... two years at least, I've got the 'I wrote this! :D' blinders that keep me from seeing what should be obvious stuff. @_@

"Saotome, my friend!" the man called.  "I thought you might be in here when you didn't wake Ranma up this morning."

Doesn't Soun usually refer to him as "Saotome-kun"?

Erg.  That's ... I think you're probably right.  Okay, I need to make a list of changes/fixed I'll need to propegate moving forward. >_<

Also, I think I saw somewhere that it's "technically" Souun.  Not that that's easy on the eyes.

It is.  I think it's also 'Tendou' and 'Kunou' though, so....  I'll fix yatai because that's a proper word, but I'll stick with the classical (even if incorrect) names for now.  I do use Ryouga and Ukyou (as opposed to Ryoga or Ukyo), so if it's a _real_ problem, I can fix it, but I think I can behind the fandom for this one.

I think.

<_<;

* Brian hides from incoming correct-translation-danmaku.

That was his favorite part of the sparring match, he realized.  Where he was so instinctual and going with his reflexes that he made almost no conscious decisions, merely being a part of the combat.  He shook himself free of the trance in time to realize that the first round was a draw -- his fist was resting against Soun's windpipe, but Soun's knife-hand was touching his belly right beneath his lowest rib.

Are you happy with this sentence fragment?  The tenses seem a bit strange in it, too.

Tenses should be consistent -- I'm otherwise okay with it.  Still, if it sticks....

That was his favorite part of the sparring match, he realized.  That point where he became so instinctual -- simply going with his reflexes -- that he made almost no conscious decisions, merely being a part of the combat.

This I'm less sure of, but doesn't she refer to him as Kuno-sempai?  Or Kunou?

FFFFFFFffffffff....

Damnit.  They do.  Another for the List. >.<

Overall:  I think this is pretty good.  It's dialogue-heavy, but that doesn't make it unreadable; far from it, the piece keeps a pretty good pace as a result.  I like the character of Hiromasu, and I think he makes all this new background for Ukyo and her father a lot more concrete.  Still, at this point in time, it's not entirely clear what the threat is.  It doesn't need to be clear, though, and that information is sure to come in the next chapter.  Still, I do notice that there's a lot going on in a lot of different places in this story.  We must've followed at least six different characters through perspective changes so far, so this gives an impression of pretty broad scope, but it's also a good bit of stuff to keep track of.

That's reassuring!  I wasn't sure how well this had aged, but that encourages me to keep moving forward!

Sorry for the delay in replying, and thanks a ton for the feedback! :D