[Haruhi] Precious Moments

[Brian]

Looking back on this project with the power of retrospect (and a good cigar), I've come to realize that the story I set out to write and the story I'd been coming up with weren't the same.  And I don't think trying to force the story I'd gotten to be the one I wanted it to be was working.


So I realized looking back that it's not the story of

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kyon and Mikuru getting together, but the story of Haruhi and Kyon getting closure on their situation and moving past it.  Because they hadn't yet.

I'm going to get back to this later, after I clear another project out (Gaming, at least), but I realized Sars's observations pretty much pointed out the same thing.  It's okay if the reason for Haruhi and Kyon not really being together weren't adequately covered by the third chapter, provided that it does get explored later.  And then the goal I was striving for mostly gets pushed offscreen, but that's a different story anyway.

I think that'll work.

[Brian]

Chapter four.  If there are continuity errors, then I've probably left the wrong versions of chapters 1-3 up, and will re-upload them.

[JonBob]

Then he stepped close again, and this time just gave me a hug.

he -> she

Hmmm, an interesting chapter, pretty low-key. I feel that the museum really showcased their expected personalities: Kyon's straight-man, Haruhi's impatient, Mikuru's clumsy, Yuki has no presence, Koizumi seems all-knowing. I do like how Kyon has figured out what's going on with Haruhi pushing him towards Mikuru and how he's slowly rebuilding a relationship with her. We get a lot of fleshing out of how Kyon and Haruhi didn't mesh with The Secret between them and it'll be interesting to see how/if he lets here go and dates Mikuru.

[Grahf]

I'm happy that you've returned to this. Anyways, C&C.

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-- her beating my score by eighty points --

Reads a shade awkward to me.

One thing I did notice is that when Koizumi leaves he shakes hands with Yuki, bows for Mikuru, and gets a hug from Haruhi. I know that he brings up the talk of the old games him and Kyon used to play, but not doing anything formal for the departure seems out of place for someone like Itsuki.

"Yeah, but he's lazy because he'd not going to look for new article opportunities;

I think the "he'd" is out of place here.

This chapter was a bit of a slow burn. Probably in preparation for the next chapter I'm guessing. Still, it was nice to see Koizumi being genuinely concerned about the well-being of Kyon and Haruhi.

I was a little surprised that Haruhi was so accepting of the fact that the relationship she had with Kyon didn't seem to be working. You allude to the idea that she doesn't push forward past that kiss because ultimately she doesn't want to lose their friendship, but I can't help but feel that she'd still be more bothered by it, at least for a little while. That's the nature of the flashback though. I did think that everything else in the flashback was handled quite well, including the both of them admitting that it wasn't working out. With Kyon's personality it makes sense to me that he wouldn't try to argue, especially with the guilt he's already feeling. Hopefully he'll learn to take his own advice, since he does mention that one doesn't have to be responsible to feel responsible. I would call his position many things, but in this case enviable isn't one of them.

[Brian]

Then he stepped close again, and this time just gave me a hug.

he -> she

Fixed.

Hmmm, an interesting chapter, pretty low-key. I feel that the museum really showcased their expected personalities: Kyon's straight-man, Haruhi's impatient, Mikuru's clumsy, Yuki has no presence, Koizumi seems all-knowing. I do like how Kyon has figured out what's going on with Haruhi pushing him towards Mikuru and how he's slowly rebuilding a relationship with her. We get a lot of fleshing out of how Kyon and Haruhi didn't mesh with The Secret between them and it'll be interesting to see how/if he lets here go and dates Mikuru.

Well, this whole fic is very low-key. :x  Glad it otherwise worked!

[Brian]

I'm happy that you've returned to this. Anyways, C&C.

I always feel miserable leaving something half-finished. :x

Spoiler: ShowHide

-- her beating my score by eighty points --

Reads a shade awkward to me.

Hmm....  How about:

After that, when we tested for admission together and passed she mentioned that moving to a college town would be more expensive.  As she said, turning to me while we walked away from the posted scores (hers was eighty points higher than mine):

One thing I did notice is that when Koizumi leaves he shakes hands with Yuki, bows for Mikuru, and gets a hug from Haruhi. I know that he brings up the talk of the old games him and Kyon used to play, but not doing anything formal for the departure seems out of place for someone like Itsuki.

Hmm, not the angle I was going for there.  His farewell to Kyon is supposed to be more positive, instead being the reminder that Kyon is welcome to call Koizumi at any time to talk.  I'll add a reminder to that, and have Koizumi actually exchange cards with Kyon.

"Yeah, but he's lazy because he'd not going to look for new article opportunities;

I think the "he'd" is out of place here.

Should be "he's".

This chapter was a bit of a slow burn. Probably in preparation for the next chapter I'm guessing. Still, it was nice to see Koizumi being genuinely concerned about the well-being of Kyon and Haruhi.

Hmm.  It didn't feel particularly slower than other chapters, I thought.  I wonder if I lost an element of tone....

I was a little surprised that Haruhi was so accepting of the fact that the relationship she had with Kyon didn't seem to be working. You allude to the idea that she doesn't push forward past that kiss because ultimately she doesn't want to lose their friendship, but I can't help but feel that she'd still be more bothered by it, at least for a little while. That's the nature of the flashback though. I did think that everything else in the flashback was handled quite well, including the both of them admitting that it wasn't working out. With Kyon's personality it makes sense to me that he wouldn't try to argue, especially with the guilt he's already feeling. Hopefully he'll learn to take his own advice, since he does mention that one doesn't have to be responsible to feel responsible. I would call his position many things, but in this case enviable isn't one of them.

Okay.  I will make a note that Haruhi's side of events after the attempted dating thing needs to be brought onscreen somehow.

Thank you very much for the comments, Grahf!