[Haruhi] The Action Item of Suzumiya Haruhi

[Brian]

A bit rough, but mostly what I was trying to pull off.

Edit: v4

[Muphrid]

Comments and suggested edits in red.  Underlines on original material being discussed.

Spoiler: ShowHide

When I realize it, I can't exactly snap at my Brigade for it.  I mean, when I come into the clubroom, the first thing I do is zip to the computer and get it fired up.  The dang thing is taking longer and longer to start up, too, but once it's up, I check my e-mails and look at the site.

Our hit count hasn't really jumped much since that one big spike, though.  On the other hand, for all of those hits, we didn't get any actual leads.  So wishing for more traffic when it doesn't lead anywhere....

But that's when it hits me.  Checking the hit-count and group mailbox anyway -- just some spam from some supposed prince in Nigeria who wants to send me a few billion yen, if I can help him out.  But I do that and look up at the Brigade.

Do you think the emphasis on when as opposed to that is natural?

Mikuru-chan's finished serving tea to everyone and is already diligently working on her homework.

Koizumi is already losing to Kyon at ... looks like today's game is go, while the pair of them ignore their own assignments.

Yuki pauses, halfway between her seat and the door.  She turns to look at me, as though she realized she'd caught my attention, but I just wave her off and lean back into the chair.  Our own club is so boring she's going to spend time next door, huh?

I don't want to yell and tell her she can't go.  After all, it's not like we're doing anything.

That still upsets me, though.  That realization -- that we are that boring.

The most unique and interesting club on the campus -- possibly in all of Japan!  And we're just killing time!?

Ugh!

As if it were punctuating my annoyance, Koizumi's cell phone chirps, and he pauses the game with Kyon to check his text messages.  "Ah," he says, sounding surprised after he reads it, turning to face me.  "My apologies, Suzumiya-san; some work has come up."

Kyon stares at the go board with a frown as I wave at him in dismissal.  He sighs and sits up once Koizumi is gone, idly plucking the stones up and putting them back in their containers.

"What's on your mind?" he asks, while Mikuru-chan continues her work, seeming to tune out the entire outer world.

"I wonder if we've let ourselves slip?" I ask him, frowning.  Usually I'm a bit more prepared.  "Sometimes....  Sometimes I really worry that we've lost focus of the big picture and aren't really doing the best job that we can--  What have we done toward our mission statement lately?"

"Our--  Oh, you mean what you put in that flyer?" he asks as Mikuru breaks off with a blink.

"Ah!" she exclaims.  "Oh, um ... more tea?"

"Yeah," I allow, nodding at her as Kyon pretty much fawns over her, being way nicer than a simple cup of tea really requires.  Well, it's not like it's hurting anyone, I guess.  "I mean," I say, when Kyon's expression becomes thoughtful, "I think we could have been more efficient, you know?  I feel if we were more focused on our goals, we could have gotten more done."

His expression goes from thoughtful to pensive as Mikuru-chan focuses intently on the tea kettle and pitcher.  I'm ... not really sure how he's going to respond to that, and I'm not sure I want to know, either.  It's not something I want to get into an argument over.

Just before he finally seems to have found something to say in response -- around the time Mikuru-chan is done making tea, I cut him off.  "It doesn't matter," I say, taking the teacup from the third-year girl.  "It's just something to think about."

Consider this hyphen?

He looks unsure about it, but before he can totally get lost in thanking Mikuru-chan, I say, "Speaking of efficiency and focus -- you should work on your homework, too, Kyon!"

His face tells me what he thinks of that.

"We may as well make the most of the time we have!"

"Fine," he grumbles, taking his homework and schoolbooks out.  I try and just focus on making sure that he gets his work done, but that idea....  The thought that the Brigade could be more efficient....

It sticks with me.

And I'm one hundred -- no, five hundred percent sure that explains what happened afterwards.



I went home and did my usual chores, followed by a little bit of tutoring of the neighbor's kid.  He's alright, I guess -- looks like a little professor.  I was confident my method would help, and bit by bit, he's picking up steam and working a bit better.

His parents are less worried about his progress, though I can't imagine why they thought I didn't know what I was doing.

Anyway, after that I go to bed.  I have another one of those dreams I haven't had in a long while, with those glowing blue giants and....  I can't remember how they usually go, but this time, the figure seems to kind of hesitate and sulk.  It doesn't do any damage, at any rate.

It seems to figure something out -- and then I wake up.

Weird.

So then it's the run to school, where I have to wait for Kyon to show up--  Except he's actually shown some initiative!

The day seems like it's off to a better start already; I start to think we might actually get something done.  He's focused on his cell phone, furiously punching buttons with a look of concentration.  I'm about to smack him on the back to see if I can startle him a bit -- but I notice that he looks ... sharper than usual.  He usually wears his uniform in a way that makes him look kind of casual.

I mean, I don't have super focus on Kyon's appearance or anything, but you spend as much time with him as I have and you start to notice things, right?  So he's wearing his uniform properly, tie done up all the way instead of a little loose, shirt properly tucked in, and I'd swear his uniform looks cleaner than it usually does.

That doesn't stick out nearly as much as the fact that he's actually combed his hair properly.  He must have put something in it to make it stay in place, too -- gel or hair-spray or something.  That's ... unusual.

Instead of bothering him, I sit down in my own seat and try to puzzle out what today is.  Is it something special?  I can't think of what he'd dress up so sharply for, though.  Of course, he's blowing any chance he has of looking really sharp by playing whatever game he's found on his phone.

Well, whatever.  I'm sure it's not a big deal.


Kyon puts his phone away before class begins, barely, and then we're called to attention and it's the usual thing.  I pretty much tune it out entirely, until break.  Right!  The rest of the Brigade may be slacking off, but I'm going to do my part!

Despite all my searching, the day ends up being just like any other.  Lunch is spent wandering around and exploring the track ... still nothing new.

After that I get back to class just before the chime -- just about the same time as Kyon, actually.  He gives me an odd look, but can't say anything before class begins.

What's that about, anyway?

I don't really think of it until it's time for the club to get together.  When I reach the clubroom door, Mikuru-chan is huffing, just reaching it at the same time.  Well, good for her, showing some initiative!  I nod at her and open the door for her.

Yuki and Koizumi are waiting inside, and both nod at me like they're expecting something.

That's strange....  Looking around, I can't help but notice.  If Kyon looked sharper, Koizumi looks like a male model!  Yuki's changed her hair a bit, wearing a pair of pins to keep it neat and out of her way.  I can't really see that Mikuru-chan looks different, but, take my seat at the head of the table instead of going to the computer.

"Sorry, sorry," she apologizes, hurriedly grabbing a laptop and moving to the table.

What happened to the costume?  When I glance at the costume rack, it's missing, though.  Maybe she took it home for cleaning?  She does that once in a while, after all.  It looks like she took all of them back for cleaning, though, leaving ... some spare business suits behind?

Before I can really figure that out, Mikuru-chan has powered up the laptop and then her hands hover over the keyboard expectantly, as her gaze goes between me and Koizumi.

"I believe we're ready, then," Koizumi judges, nodding.

"What about Kyon?" I protest.  I mean, if he's slow he'll lose out, but whatever they've got planned, it sure seemed to involve him!

"He's a chicken," Koizumi says with a shrug.  "We can get his input later."

What the hell?

"It's not a big deal," Kyon says, opening the door and stepping in.  "Let the pigs go first."

I can only stare at Koizumi.

He nods quickly.  "Okay," he says.  "We have some open escalations from last week.  Asahina-san, could you read off the minutes?"

Mikuru-chan types a few keys quickly, then says, "We have three outstanding issues at the moment.  First of all, Kyon-kun was to secure a venue for our scheduled inspection next Wednesday."

"Any progress?" Koizumi prompts, looking at Kyon expectantly as he sits down, fiddling with his phone still.

"I don't have any commits yet, just leads.  If I can't actualize them, we'll need a fall-back," Kyon answers with a shrug of his own.  "Nagato?"

"That's item two," Mikuru-chan notes, still taking down what everyone else is saying.  Mikuru-chan, who couldn't handle a computer without help three days ago.  And now she's typing as quickly as we can speak?

"Sources have been identified, but cost-analysis is not yet complete," she answers quietly.  "The report should be finalized by tomorrow."

"Great--  And number three?" Koizumi replied, turning his attention from Nagato to Mikuru-chan.

"Ah ... there's an action item for Suzumiya-san to go over the restructuring we discussed yesterday?  This was supposed to be resolved during the lunch meeting, but...."  She trails off and shrugs, offering me an uncertain smile.

Wait -- lunch meeting?

I'm not sure what's going on, but this is pretty crazy.  I wanted efficiency, but this....

"The merger with the Computer Research Society," Kyon adds, still looking at his phone.  "But I have some insight to that issue."

"The -- what?" I manage, staring.

"The plan to bring the Computer Research Society under our leadership so we can direct them for the mystery search operation more efficiently," Kyon clarifies, looking up and frowning slightly.  "We were going to have them see about--"

"If there's no progress on that front," Koizumi interrupts, "you two can discuss that offline."

"Alright," Kyon agrees, going back to his phone.

"I believe this issue must be handled immediately," Yuki says in her quiet way.  "Further progress is blocked until we secure the internet team.  We do not have adequate funding to contract this out, and must leverage our previous partnership to gain the necessary manpower."

Kyon leans back in his chair and blows out a long sigh.  "Alright, I've got nothing," he says, like an admission.  "I was hoping Haruhi would take the lion's share of the workload -- I've got my hands full with Taniguchi-gate.  Keeping him from turning into a PR disaster is a job and half on its own."

"Taniguchi!" I can't help but exclaim.  "What does--"  I cut off when everyone stares at me.

Okay, they're all playing some game, or else being way, way too efficient, or....  I don't even know -- but I'm sure I can fake it!  "Look, just settle things with him once and for all, alright?" I tell Kyon.  Let's see ... what had Koizumi said....  "If you have to, we can discuss that offline."

Everyone nods, so I must have gotten that right.

"Well, in that case, what about the merger?" Mikuru-chan pipes up, looking confused.  "Oh!" she exclaims suddenly.  "You--  You were handling that on your own during lunch?"

Merger?  Those guys....

"Yeah, yeah," I say dismissively, shrugging.  "So, I'll take care of that."

"It's already in the pipe?"

Whatever that means.  I nod anyway.  If Kyon isn't keeping up -- which it sounds like -- all I really have to do is corner him alone and discuss with him further.  I can get the rest of the information on whatever the hell is going on from there.

"That being said, if there's nothing else, I want to discuss something in private with Kyon," I add.

Koizumi looks to Mikuru-chan for confirmation.  She peruses her laptop screen for a moment, and then shrugs.

"Alright," Kyon sighs, shaking his head as he rises, finally pocketing his phone.  "Let's go, then."

Koizumi turns his attention to Yuki.  "I wanted some clarification on that last TPS report you filed," he adds, as Mikuru-chan continues tapping away at her computer, and Kyon and I step into the hall.

Is there a red stapler in the new clubroom?

I catch one last little bit about a 'transfer of information' from Yuki before we're out of earshot, Kyon plodding lethargically toward the vending machine that offers coffee.  "Sorry if I'm falling behind," he adds, belatedly.

I look at him sharply.  "What's this about?" I prompt bluntly, not really wanting to beat around the bush.

He stops in front of the machine and heaves a little sigh when he looks at it.  "I've missed some paperwork, but we also have schoolwork to contend with," he says blandly.  "I suppose that now that push has come to shove, I need your guidance on which way to go."

I can only stare at him for a long minute.  Kyon actually coming to me for advice?  "...what?"

"I have to choose prioritization of my current tasks," he explains, shaking his head.  "I'm thinking that the most efficient route would be to deprioritize schoolwork, to focus on my Brigade assignments.  If I'm not an asset to the team, we won't ever find what we're looking for, will we?"

How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?  We spent yesterday's club session making sure he got his homework done, and now he's telling me he wants to throw that aside ... to focus on the mission statement I brought up yesterday?

"W...why would you do that?" I manage to ask.

He shrugs and taps on the vending machine behind him, right on the button for coffee -- though he hasn't put any money in, so nothing happens.  "Like you said," he explains.  "Coffee is for closers."  He nods to himself, even though I haven't said anything.

"Alright," he decides.  "I'll see what I can do to resolve the issues assigned to me.  Thanks for your time, Haruhi."

And then he turns and walks away, pulling his phone out again.

So ... I guess in hindsight ... he wasn't playing a game, but texting someone, or something.  Working hard for the club.

I'm so stunned by that ... I really don't know how to respond.  We'd grabbed our bags before leaving the clubroom, so after that ... I go home.

When I get home, I think about things a bit more.  This has to be a nightmare, right?  A bad dream?  A really, really realistic bad dream.

So it's my sub-conscience telling me, "Be careful what you wish for!"

Subconscious.

Well, screw you, sub-conscience!


I'm going to go to sleep and wake up with everything back to normal!


Sure enough, the next day, when I get back to school, everything is back the way that it should be.  Kyon's his normal grumpy and tousled self, showing up later than me.  When I prod, "Hey, you finish that action item?" he can only stare at me the way he usually does when I say something he can't keep up with.

And that's okay.

It's a weird kind of nightmare, though, because it somehow replaced my memories of the other day -- but I just chalk that up to how realistic the damn thing was.

I idle a bit in class instead of rushing off during breaks, and scare Kyon's pervy friend off to eat my cafeteria lunch at my own desk.  Kyon seems a bit confused, but natters on about his sister and helping her with homework.  That seems fine.

Pervy friend?  Taniguchi?  Or someone else?

When it's time for the club to meet, I take a meandering path there, not feeling like I'm in a real rush.  Mikuru-chan must be changing in there, because Koizumi and Kyon are talking about something -- though they stop when I get close.

I still hear Koizumi's final, "...a bit harder, though."  He looks a bit tired, for some reason.

"Ah," he remarks, when he sees me.  "Well, Suzumiya-san, I'm afraid some part-time work has come up again, and I must be off; but I was able to at least check in with you!"

Kyon looks particularly annoyed for some reason, just shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, take care, then," I say, shrugging.

Once Koizumi's gone, Kyon sighs and mutters, "Haruhi ... do you ... think I should ... work harder for the club?"

Obviously, that's what Koizumi put him up to, but thinking about things....

"You could work harder, but I'll let it slide!" I tell him.  "Officially, we're supposed to be an organization that helps students with problems -- and looking at your grades, that's you!  So let's make sure you keep getting your homework done, and you study properly!"

He sighs at that, again, but this time I can tell it's his, "I'm pretending to not be really happy about this," sigh, not an actually tired one -- and that is just fine, I think!

I like that this piece gets to the point quickly, and Haruhi goes through a significant change as a result of the piece.  Can't ask for much more than that.  I do get the feeling this may be, er, inspired by a bit too much office hijinx.  It does enhance the humor, actually.

[JonBob]

I actually didn't find any grammar/spelling issues.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I mean, I don't have super focus on Kyon's appearance or anything

Lol denial.

I've got my hands full with Taniguchi-gate

Oh dear. That sounds both terrifying and awesome.

Overall, a nice, short piece with a little bit of Office Space spin. I suppose the biggest question is: why is the brigade (and Kyon) not dropping any hints that they realize something is odd? Also, it's a fair amount of suspension of disbelief on Haruhi's part, but that's not much of a stretch.

[Brian]

Comments and suggested edits in red.  Underlines on original material being discussed.

Okay!

Spoiler: ShowHide

But that's when it hits me.  Checking the hit-count and group mailbox anyway -- just some spam from some supposed prince in Nigeria who wants to send me a few billion yen, if I can help him out.  But I do that and look up at the Brigade.

Do you think the emphasis on when as opposed to that is natural?

In hindsight, no.

Just before he finally seems to have found something to say in response -- around the time Mikuru-chan is done making tea, I cut him off.  "It doesn't matter," I say, taking the teacup from the third-year girl.  "It's just something to think about."

Consider this hyphen?

Okay.

Koizumi turns his attention to Yuki.  "I wanted some clarification on that last TPS report you filed," he adds, as Mikuru-chan continues tapping away at her computer, and Kyon and I step into the hall.

Is there a red stapler in the new clubroom?

I am very tempted to have it replace Haruhi's little pyramid....  But I will resist. :p

When I get home, I think about things a bit more.  This has to be a nightmare, right?  A bad dream?  A really, really realistic bad dream.

So it's my sub-conscience telling me, "Be careful what you wish for!"

Subconscious.

Right.

I idle a bit in class instead of rushing off during breaks, and scare Kyon's pervy friend off to eat my cafeteria lunch at my own desk.  Kyon seems a bit confused, but natters on about his sister and helping her with homework.  That seems fine.

Pervy friend?  Taniguchi?  Or someone else?

Taniguchi.

He sighs at that, again, but this time I can tell it's his, "I'm pretending to not be really happy about this," sigh, not an actually tired one -- and that is just fine, I think!

I like that this piece gets to the point quickly, and Haruhi goes through a significant change as a result of the piece.  Can't ask for much more than that.  I do get the feeling this may be, er, inspired by a bit too much office hijinx.  It does enhance the humor, actually.

Yes, drawn a bit from real life. >_>;

The hope was that Haruhi's change wasn't too severe; this was, in a way, her resolving some inner turmoil and conflicts.  Still -- if it was fun, so much the better.

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[Brian]

I actually didn't find any grammar/spelling issues.

Hooray!

Spoiler: ShowHide

I've got my hands full with Taniguchi-gate

Oh dear. That sounds both terrifying and awesome.

Come to think of it, I don't even want to know what that is.

Overall, a nice, short piece with a little bit of Office Space spin. I suppose the biggest question is: why is the brigade (and Kyon) not dropping any hints that they realize something is odd? Also, it's a fair amount of suspension of disbelief on Haruhi's part, but that's not much of a stretch.

Drop hints about what?  If you mean Haruhi in meetingland, it's just because she's the boss; they really _don't_ notice.  Outside of that, they do drop hints to the reader, but never really have been that overt to her.  I guess I'm not sure what seemed not to make sense?

[sarsaparilla]

I have divided my comments into two sections based on their inherent constructive value. The second section should probably be ignored altogether.

Possibly helpful

Spoiler: ShowHide

Checking the hit-count and group mailbox anyway -- just some spam from some supposed prince in Nigeria who wants to send me a few billion yen, if I can help him out. But I do that and look up at the Brigade.

The 'I do that' in the last sentence would appear to refer to helping out a Nigerian prince, but this is unlikely to be the intention. There should probably be another dash somewhere to properly segregate the spam.

As a side note, a substantive number of words in the first section has been emphasized, but I fail to see the reason behind choosing just those words. I tried to find a common theme or a particular code, but if there is one it eluded me. Maybe it is just a device for showing that Haruhi is unusually agitated?

"What's on your mind?" he asks, while Mikuru-chan continues her work, seeming to tune out the entire outer world.

On the first reading Kyon's words seem to be addressed at Asahina-san, since nothing before that indicates that he was directing his attention to anybody or anything in particular. It is only after Haruhi replies to the question that the reader can infer that the question was directed at her. Suggestion:

he asks -> he asks me

I try and just focus

try to focus?

And I'm one hundred -- no, five hundred percent sure that explains what happened afterwards.

Up to that point, the narration has been in present tense, giving the impression that Haruhi is narrating the events as they happen. However, here she is referring to narrative-future events in past tense, suggesting that the narrative point of view has shifted past the events being described. However, nothing in the passage until that point facilitates that shift.

Simply changing the reference to present tense does not address the issue, since the PoV shift is a necessary conceptual part of the statement. I don't know whether it is at all possible to use this particular device in present tense narration without it causing cognitive dissonance.

In the beginning of the second section, narration is vacillating between past and present tense for a while before it returns to a consistent present tense. This looks like a ripple effect from the past tense reference at the end of the previous section.

If Kyon looked sharper, Koizumi looks like a male model!

I thought that he always does? Somehow, this sentence gives me a mental image of a shirtless, muscular and slightly stubbly Koizumi striking a suggestively languid pose in his chair. *giggles*

To explain -- I thought that Koizumi already looks like a model in the canon. Thus, while I got the intent that the sentence implied change, I misinterpreted the direction of that change, since a change in a more formal direction would have appeared as 'Koizumi looking like himself, only more so'.

Maybe a simile using something in the office environment would convey a more accurate image?

but, take my seat at the head of the table instead of going to the computer.

take -> I take

Either that, or possibly remove the comma after 'but' to tie the parts of the sentence more closely together, thus supporting the removal of the shared pronoun.

So it's my sub-conscience

subconscious

Definitely unhelpful

Spoiler: ShowHide

I understand that the characters are speaking office jargon, but, being unfamiliar with that particular topic, my overall reaction was one of bewilderment instead of amusement. What do chickens and pigs have to do with anything? What is a TPS report?

I realize that a joke is spoiled if it must be explained. This is not criticism of the humorous content, but an admission that I am not a suitable person for giving an opinion on it.

Considering the general structure, the story takes a simple 'what if' premise and executes it in an economical manner. The tone is intentionally light, and I assume that those who are familiar with the things being parodied will find Haruhi's confusion worth a chuckle. However, to an outsider like me, the formal corporate culture forced on the Brigade members appears as a polar opposite of efficiency.

Then, on a more serious (and even less helpful) note, what was it that actually happened?

Did Haruhi rewrite the reality retroactively? The story seems to suggest so, since other characters are referring to events that happened before the altered state as if they were real. Do they have false memories or are they just putting up a show for her? If the former, why does Haruhi not have false memories like everybody else? If the latter, how do they know what kind of a show they should be playing, and what is their motivation for doing so? Based on the canon, Koizumi would not appear to have sufficiently detailed knowledge on Haruhi's actual thoughts to direct such a show.

Did Haruhi rewrite other Brigade members? The story seems to suggest so, based on character behavior (in canon, Haruhi sometimes alters the environment but the characters still stay unchanged -- the mere possibility that Haruhi might have altered Kyon's mental state at the end of Sigh was serious enough an issue to warrant a detailed treatment). Specifically, Asahina-san's typing speed is not something that can be faked for show, indicating that either Haruhi has indeed altered her character, or then it is an elaborate hoax, probably aided by Nagato's nanobots, for no apparent benefit and a potential risk of breaking the masquerade.

Can Haruhi's reality warping powers activate by her just deciding so? If going by the canon, it would mean that she sincerely believes that things will be normal if she decides so, which in turn means that she would have to be aware of her powers and of the fact that the 'realistic bad dream' was caused by them.

A possible third option, Haruhi temporarily visiting an alternate universe, seems to be excluded by the indication that other Brigade members retain their memories of the altered state just like Haruhi does.

So, if what happened was just a show by other Brigade members to provide Haruhi with an Aesop, then most of the action appears unsupported, and if it was not a show, there are problematic implications.

In either case, the issues are hard to address because of the chosen PoV. The typing issue is probably the only exception, easily justified by swapping the roles of Asahina-san and Nagato.

[JonBob]

Let's see if this makes sense...

Spoiler: ShowHide

Drop hints about what?  If you mean Haruhi in meetingland, it's just because she's the boss; they really _don't_ notice.  Outside of that, they do drop hints to the reader, but never really have been that overt to her.  I guess I'm not sure what seemed not to make sense?

I suppose it was more the thought that whenever Haruhi does anything to the world, the rest of the brigade knows about it. Do they know something was changed or are they actually fully businessified?

[Brian]

I have divided my comments into two sections based on their inherent constructive value. The second section should probably be ignored altogether.

I can't think you really believe that, or you wouldn't have shared it.  I think it's actual commentary on my history of reacting badly. >_>

I'll try and keep better perspective this time.  In any case, thanks for taking the time to comment!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Checking the hit-count and group mailbox anyway -- just some spam from some supposed prince in Nigeria who wants to send me a few billion yen, if I can help him out. But I do that and look up at the Brigade.

The 'I do that' in the last sentence would appear to refer to helping out a Nigerian prince, but this is unlikely to be the intention. There should probably be another dash somewhere to properly segregate the spam.

That seems to have gotten jumbled pretty badly.  Not sure what I was thinking.  I reworded the entire paragraph:

Checking the hit-count and group mailbox anyway -- just some spam from some supposed prince in Nigeria who wanted to send me a few billion yen, if I could help him out -- I finished my routine and sat back.  That_ was when it hit me.  It _was_ a routine.  I'd settled into a rut -- and I wasn't the only one!

As a side note, a substantive number of words in the first section has been emphasized, but I fail to see the reason behind choosing just those words. I tried to find a common theme or a particular code, but if there is one it eluded me. Maybe it is just a device for showing that Haruhi is unusually agitated?

Substantive?  Not unusually agitated, but Haruhi is a person for emphasis.  I felt it fit her character to at least start of energetically.  Admittedly, I've made revisions based on recieved comments, so my current version may not reflect what's on the board.  Muphrid pointed out a place where I put emphasis on the wrong word, at one point.

On the first reading Kyon's words seem to be addressed at Asahina-san, since nothing before that indicates that he was directing his attention to anybody or anything in particular. It is only after Haruhi replies to the question that the reader can infer that the question was directed at her. Suggestion:

he asks -> he asks me

That makes sense.

I try and just focus

try to focus?

Generally speaking, outside of exceedingly formal speech, "and" and "to" are interchangable in this sort of sentence construct.  It's not completely proper grammar, but the tradition goes all the way back to Shakespeare.  There are specific connotations that can be evoked by either given word.

But if you trip over it, it's easy enough to change to "to".  Considering the next revision, it flows better anyway....

And I'm one hundred -- no, five hundred percent sure that explains what happened afterwards.

Up to that point, the narration has been in present tense, giving the impression that Haruhi is narrating the events as they happen. However, here she is referring to narrative-future events in past tense, suggesting that the narrative point of view has shifted past the events being described. However, nothing in the passage until that point facilitates that shift.

Simply changing the reference to present tense does not address the issue, since the PoV shift is a necessary conceptual part of the statement. I don't know whether it is at all possible to use this particular device in present tense narration without it causing cognitive dissonance.

In the beginning of the second section, narration is vacillating between past and present tense for a while before it returns to a consistent present tense. This looks like a ripple effect from the past tense reference at the end of the previous section.

Yes ... I am not very good at writing. :(

I'll redo the entire thing in past tense, as that seems to be the best approach.  The thing generally suffers for being something I wrote in an hour and a half between meetings. <_<;

To explain -- I thought that Koizumi already looks like a model in the canon. Thus, while I got the intent that the sentence implied change, I misinterpreted the direction of that change, since a change in a more formal direction would have appeared as 'Koizumi looking like himself, only more so'.

Maybe a simile using something in the office environment would convey a more accurate image?

I was also trying to add an implication that Haruhi likes Kyon and doesn't really see Koizumi that way, but it seemed to have fallen very short.

You have some suggestions?  You grasp my intent, at least, but that was the best I could come up with.  Otherwise, I have revised it to a vague, "Even sharper," comment in comparison to Kyon.

So it's my sub-conscience

subconscious

My spelling is so poor. >_>;;

I understand that the characters are speaking office jargon, but, being unfamiliar with that particular topic, my overall reaction was one of bewilderment instead of amusement. What do chickens and pigs have to do with anything? What is a TPS report?

I realize that a joke is spoiled if it must be explained. This is not criticism of the humorous content, but an admission that I am not a suitable person for giving an opinion on it.

The chicken & pigs thing is specifically chosen to be obscure (though, evidently, not as obscure as I had thought).  It's based on a story that goes something like this:

A pig and a chicken decide that they will become partners in a business that makes breakfast for people and sell bacon and eggs.  When they look at workload and responsibilities, the point is that the pig is fully invested and involved; the chicken ... not nearly so much.  The denotation is basically that people who are working directly on the project are pigs, and people who are outside of the direct effort (managers, peripheral roles, etc.), are chickens.

A TPS report is a fictional document and commonly referenced joke from the movie Office Space, which itself is generally satirical comedy about what life is like in an office environment.  I found it entertaining, anyway.  Muphrid's comment about a red stapler is another reference to the same movie.

In both cases, the goal of the references was to be obscure, and seemingly pointless (as they are to Haruhi).  If someone has seen that movie or is familiar with the AGILE pig/chicken scrum approach, then that would be a bonus.

Considering the general structure, the story takes a simple 'what if' premise and executes it in an economical manner. The tone is intentionally light, and I assume that those who are familiar with the things being parodied will find Haruhi's confusion worth a chuckle. However, to an outsider like me, the formal corporate culture forced on the Brigade members appears as a polar opposite of efficiency.

That's my fault; I have to deal with a good number of meetings that go very much like the one written in the story.  I don't feel they're particularly efficient, either. :)

But corporate peons or anyone underneath enough management burden is familiar with all of the siliness and rigamarole anyway.  There's a longstanding speculation that buzzwords are a way to make people who don't know what they're doing sound more intelligent, hence the reference to 'buzzword bingo'.  There are many examples of it, but this might help a bit:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzzword_bingo

And:

http://uxplus.pl/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/BuzzwordBingo.jpg

That being said, corporations are seen as efficient, so the trend continues, and the joke is applying that to the Brigade.

Then, on a more serious (and even less helpful) note, what was it that actually happened?

Did Haruhi rewrite the reality retroactively? The story seems to suggest so, since other characters are referring to events that happened before the altered state as if they were real. Do they have false memories or are they just putting up a show for her? If the former, why does Haruhi not have false memories like everybody else? If the latter, how do they know what kind of a show they should be playing, and what is their motivation for doing so? Based on the canon, Koizumi would not appear to have sufficiently detailed knowledge on Haruhi's actual thoughts to direct such a show.

Did Haruhi rewrite other Brigade members? The story seems to suggest so, based on character behavior (in canon, Haruhi sometimes alters the environment but the characters still stay unchanged -- the mere possibility that Haruhi might have altered Kyon's mental state at the end of Sigh was serious enough an issue to warrant a detailed treatment). Specifically, Asahina-san's typing speed is not something that can be faked for show, indicating that either Haruhi has indeed altered her character, or then it is an elaborate hoax, probably aided by Nagato's nanobots, for no apparent benefit and a potential risk of breaking the masquerade.

Can Haruhi's reality warping powers activate by her just deciding so? If going by the canon, it would mean that she sincerely believes that things will be normal if she decides so, which in turn means that she would have to be aware of her powers and of the fact that the 'realistic bad dream' was caused by them.

As an aside, the idea of them faking it for Haruhi is kind of mean, at best, in my mind. >_>;

Anyway, I have to make something up to answer your questions.  You're thinking about it much harder than I did.  Let's see....

Okay, how about:

Haruhi made an alternate reality briefly, inside of a closed space, while a copy of her went about her day as normal.  That alternate reality contained copies of the Brigade that were 'what she asked for' because her subconscious mind knew that she really _was_ happy with how things were, and having close friends.  This is unintentionally foreshadowed with her dream of the celestial that doesn't destroy anything.

Koizumi catches the formation of the closed space, hence him being stressed enough to pressure Kyon into trying to calm Haruhi down by 'trying harder'.  Haruhi takes her place back in reality, having been taught her lesson by her own subconscious, and actually settles her turmoil on her own, embracing the way things have gone and doing her best to maintain things with Kyon as she can.

How does that sound?

If that doesn't work, it's easy to revise and say that time didn't pass while Haruhi was in the closed space, which means that there's no narrative evidence to say it _wasn't_ just a dream, like she thought.  Would that be better?  It was meant to pretty much be, "Haruhi isn't aware of her powers, while providing a demonstration of them to the reader," but if that doesn't fit, can be let go without losing anything, I think.

A possible third option, Haruhi temporarily visiting an alternate universe, seems to be excluded by the indication that other Brigade members retain their memories of the altered state just like Haruhi does.

It....  It does?  They do?

JonBob seems to think the same thing, so this is purely a mistake on my part -- he says it's implied, and you say it's stated -- so I must have screwed this up pretty badly, as that is actually something I did not intend to imply!  Can you please point out where I did this so I can fix it?  Or if it's a miscommunication, where I can clarify the story?

In either case, the issues are hard to address because of the chosen PoV. The typing issue is probably the only exception, easily justified by swapping the roles of Asahina-san and Nagato.

I ... will hold off on this until I understand a bit better.  I've rewritten it into past tense and fixed the grammatical issues for now.  Sorry about my clumsiness in writing! @_@

Thank you for the feedback! :)

Edit: Revised copy posted.

[Brian]

Hmm.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I suppose it was more the thought that whenever Haruhi does anything to the world, the rest of the brigade knows about it. Do they know something was changed or are they actually fully businessified?

My intent was to have the 'business' and regular versions be totally separate.  The business Brigade isn't aware of anything out of the ordinary, and the regular one just knows she's conflicted -- and she ends up resolving that on her own.

I am getting a very strong impression I have the wrong clues, though....

[JonBob]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Hmm.

I suppose it was more the thought that whenever Haruhi does anything to the world, the rest of the brigade knows about it. Do they know something was changed or are they actually fully businessified?

My intent was to have the 'business' and regular versions be totally separate.  The business Brigade isn't aware of anything out of the ordinary, and the regular one just knows she's conflicted -- and she ends up resolving that on her own.

I am getting a very strong impression I have the wrong clues, though....

Re-reading it again I can certainly see that. I think the impressions that are causing some issues are the "replacing the other day's memories and even Koizumi's words to Kyon. I actually mentally added "An alternate world where (you just tried a bit harder, though". Maybe even an "if" would make the statement completely obvious (perhaps too much). 

I suppose one question that you might be able to allude to is how the rest of the brigade responded to this day when (apparently) Haruhi was "gone". We see Koizumi and can figure out he's a bit stressed, but would Kyon have freaked out?

[Brian]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Re-reading it again I can certainly see that. I think the impressions that are causing some issues are the "replacing the other day's memories and even Koizumi's words to Kyon. I actually mentally added "An alternate world where (you just tried a bit harder, though". Maybe even an "if" would make the statement completely obvious (perhaps too much). 

I suppose one question that you might be able to allude to is how the rest of the brigade responded to this day when (apparently) Haruhi was "gone". We see Koizumi and can figure out he's a bit stressed, but would Kyon have freaked out?

Rather too obvious than too subtle.  I'll add the 'if'.  I was thinking about it earlier anyway.... =_=

Also the idea was that they didn't notice Haruhi was gone.  If that's not workable then....  As per the reply I gave Sars (though probably waiting on her response), I'll just do away with the implications that it wasn't actually just a dream.

[Muphrid]

Re: what the brigade think happened after things are back to normal.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I read it that Koizumi was able to find out what exactly had motivated Haruhi's change and relay that to Kyon; that doesn't necessitate any memory of the event.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you for the explanations. It makes much more sense to me now. ^_^

Spoiler: ShowHide

I was also trying to add an implication that Haruhi likes Kyon and doesn't really see Koizumi that way, but it seemed to have fallen very short.

You have some suggestions?  You grasp my intent, at least, but that was the best I could come up with.  Otherwise, I have revised it to a vague, "Even sharper," comment in comparison to Kyon.

I am not very familiar with the business world, but I would assume that there are people who have a very sharp appearance, but who are still not necessarily considered particularly charming persons. A random search suggests ... Gordon Gekko? Corporate raider? Loan shark?

As an aside, the idea of them faking it for Haruhi is kind of mean, at best, in my mind.

I agree that it didn't appear sensible in the situation, but I couldn't rule the option out.

You're thinking about it much harder than I did.

I was aware that my approach was misguided, and that is why I separated it into a different section.

Haruhi made an alternate reality briefly, inside of a closed space, while a copy of her went about her day as normal.  That alternate reality contained copies of the Brigade that were 'what she asked for' because her subconscious mind knew that she really _was_ happy with how things were, and having close friends.  This is unintentionally foreshadowed with her dream of the celestial that doesn't destroy anything.

I can see this working, but in order to ward off the unfortunate implications of alternate realities, it should be made obvious to the reader (if not to Haruhi) that the business world is a part of her closed space, with the alternate brigade members being shinjin instead of actual humans. So, in a sense, it would indeed be a 'really realistic nightmare'. That would also address the apparent problem of Haruhi's control of her powers, and would make it easier to avoid the impression that real brigade members were part of it.

Furthermore, it is not necessary to postulate a copy Haruhi taking place of the real one for the duration of her closed space visit (the existence of one would even be rather hard to show with the chosen PoV). The visit can happen in its own time pocket, so that she never goes away from the point of view of other brigade members. Incidentally, that would also reinforce Haruhi's belief that it was just a dream, since she wouldn't miss a day of real world life while inside the closed space.

Koizumi catches the formation of the closed space, hence him being stressed enough to pressure Kyon into trying to calm Haruhi down by 'trying harder'.  Haruhi takes her place back in reality, having been taught her lesson by her own subconscious, and actually settles her turmoil on her own, embracing the way things have gone and doing her best to maintain things with Kyon as she can.

How does that sound?

That sounds completely workable.

If that doesn't work, it's easy to revise and say that time didn't pass while Haruhi was in the closed space, which means that there's no narrative evidence to say it _wasn't_ just a dream, like she thought.  Would that be better?

I do believe so, as it makes the intent and the mechanism more visible.

JonBob seems to think the same thing, so this is purely a mistake on my part -- he says it's implied, and you say it's stated -- so I must have screwed this up pretty badly, as that is actually something I did not intend to imply!  Can you please point out where I did this so I can fix it?  Or if it's a miscommunication, where I can clarify the story?

The thing that I interpreted as the brigade members being aware of the business world was Koizumi's line (and Kyon's subsequent one to Haruhi) at the end of the story, since it repeated the leitmotif of the story so accurately that it appeared improbable that it would have been a mere coincidence.

If it is made obvious that the business world is a closed space simulacrum, that does already give a decent basis for the proper interpretation. Furthermore, the main problem with Koizumi repeating the motif is that it is not presented to him in the introductory part, and thus him knowing it makes the reader believe that he saw it in the business world. This can be addressed by adding a small conversation to the introduction, where Haruhi presents the motif before Koizumi leaves. That way, the proper interpretation would also be the most obvious one.

[Brian]

Thank you for the explanations. It makes much more sense to me now. ^_^

I'm very happy to hear that!

Spoiler: ShowHide

I was also trying to add an implication that Haruhi likes Kyon and doesn't really see Koizumi that way, but it seemed to have fallen very short.

You have some suggestions?  You grasp my intent, at least, but that was the best I could come up with.  Otherwise, I have revised it to a vague, "Even sharper," comment in comparison to Kyon.

I am not very familiar with the business world, but I would assume that there are people who have a very sharp appearance, but who are still not necessarily considered particularly charming persons. A random search suggests ... Gordon Gekko? Corporate raider? Loan shark?

I can do something along those lines, I was just afraid that it would come across as either Koizumi-bashing, or buttmonkeying. >_>;;

I was aware that my approach was misguided, and that is why I separated it into a different section.

I wouldn't say misguided as much as unaligned.  And you've given me help putting the correct cues into place to fix that.

I can see this working, but in order to ward off the unfortunate implications of alternate realities, it should be made obvious to the reader (if not to Haruhi) that the business world is a part of her closed space, with the alternate brigade members being shinjin instead of actual humans. So, in a sense, it would indeed be a 'really realistic nightmare'. That would also address the apparent problem of Haruhi's control of her powers, and would make it easier to avoid the impression that real brigade members were part of it.

I'm not sure how I make that clear to the reader.  Well, I suppose that 'it really was just a dream' covers it?

I do believe so, as it makes the intent and the mechanism more visible.

Then this is what I'll go with.

If it is made obvious that the business world is a closed space simulacrum, that does already give a decent basis for the proper interpretation. Furthermore, the main problem with Koizumi repeating the motif is that it is not presented to him in the introductory part, and thus him knowing it makes the reader believe that he saw it in the business world. This can be addressed by adding a small conversation to the introduction, where Haruhi presents the motif before Koizumi leaves. That way, the proper interpretation would also be the most obvious one.

Okay -- I'm not really sure how to make it clear it was a closed space instead of an alternate reality, beyond the aegis of, "It was a dream."  Does that cover it, or are more details needed?  (Or possibly less....)

It took me a bit to understand your suggestion for the latter half of that paragraph (I'm slow), but I got it and added a bit in the beginning where Haruhi tells Koizumi that he's dismissed for his part-time job and mutters a quiet, but not truly sincere complaint about Kyon.  Kyon misses it and Koizumi doesn't, which I think accomplishes what you suggest without having Kyon come across as slow by just parroting Haruhi's line back to her.

Well.  Actually, that's exactly what he did.  But he doesn't realize it's her own words.  The distinction may be relatively silly, in hindsight. <_<;

Thank you very much for the feedback, as always. :)

I'll have a revision up shortly.

[Guenther]

Man, I'm glad my job doesn't involve buzzword bingo. In the nitpicking contest I found two sentences with too much verb or something:

Yuki paused was walking toward the door, but paused halfway there from her seat.

Kyon stared at the go board with a frown as I waved at Koizumi waited for my response.