[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 61

[Specular]

Spoiler: ShowHide

IIRC, Haruhi also got piano lessons as a kid.

I don't remember that. But someone I trusted with dropbox access decided to either delete my 'novels 1-11' file or used the 'move' command, which accomplished the same thing, so I can't easily check!

It's not from the novels. According to the Drama CD, Haruhi took "lessons from kindergarten up to middle school". Considering the ages, probably it was her parents' idea

Tsuruya: "I know how to play a Sungi horn!"
Kyon: "I don't want to join everyone for Music Night. -_-"

xD

More rumours?

No, it was one of the yakuza trying to impose on the Sonozaki-gumi (and Rika) that got scared off when the Haru-tachi first arrived. Kyon doesn't recognize him, because to him, scaring those guys off was basically just a Tuesday.

What I mean to ask was if that encounter could spark rumours about the Kowa-Keigo cheating on his fiancée with the girl the Sumiyoshi-rengo likes to kidnap.
Then again, Kyon and Sasaki are technically in two places at once right now, so I'm not sure what the Sumiyoshi-rengo could make of it if they get wind of both of their instances. Body doubles put in place as part of some sort of trap?

[Brian]

Oh, yeah.  They're in the sword, not the morph weapons.

Bleah.

It's been that many chapters....  ._.;;

[Brian]

Updated the fight scene a bit to try and make it a little less dull. >_>;

This is probably going to be the final version; I think I've incorporated all of the fixes. :D

[Romenor]

Here are a few last-minute suggestions/corrections you might want to consider:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Sasaki found herself waiting in the living room with the diminutive Kanae, and Yuki.

Why not flip Kanae and Yuki in the sentence to eliminate the comma? Like this:

Sasaki found herself waiting in the living room with Yuki and the diminutive Kanae.

-----

Tsuruya had arranged it with Haruhi beforehand, so stalled Kyon in the doorway so they could all crowd around and cheer, "Surprise!" as soon as he opened it.

The original sounds a bit awkward. Here's how I'd rephrase it:

Having arranged it with Haruhi beforehand, Tsuruya stalled Kyon in the doorway so they could all crowd around and cheer, "Surprise!" as soon as he opened it.

-----

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. The proportions seemed amazing, too; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed.

I suggest putting the second sentence at the end instead, since it and the currently-last sentence refer to the drawing:

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed. The proportions seemed amazing, too; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect.

-----

"Though, Kyon is probably a bit confused at why you gave him a drawing of himself wearing only swimming trunks and his coat.

This is missing a closed quotation mark.

-----

Since Nonoko was playing with her cousins, Ryouko had remained in the background. Even though they were related, the genetic variance was high enough that they couldn't see her without her making extra effort to be visible.

I know the "they" in the second sentence refers to Nonoko and her cousins, but since Ryouko is the subject of the first sentence, it makes it appear that Nonoko and Ryoko are the ones related.

-----

...even in the darkness he only needed a heartbeat to recognize him.

Did the man only need a heartbeat to recognize Kyon, or did Kyon need a heartbeat to recognize the man?  I think it's the former, since you stated two paragraphs later that Kyon didn't notice him.

[Specular]

Just two small things:

Spoiler: ShowHide

He managed a muffled curse at a group of eight rapidly descending targets. Ryouko had helpfully labeled them 'Sliderbot_005' through 'Sliderbot_013,' along with their range in meters (...)

Sans the case of a number being skipped in the sequence from "005" to "013", this should denote nine targets instead of eight.

As it was, he was surprised, but Yuki had worked had to hone his reflexes properly–

"worked had" -> "worked hard"

[freakaz]

Found one.

Spoiler: ShowHide

... blasting into the side of a distanct hill across the river and sending up a massive explosion.

Should be distant.

-Nar

[Brian]

Got it.  Thanks for those fixes, guys. :)

[KitsuneHerikawa]

Now that I have a long weekend, here are a few items after reading the last update:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"It's fine, Mikuru, really," Kyon agreed, giving her a warm smile before turning his attention to the package before it and unwrapping it.

Should be "the package before him" perhaps?

"Harmony?" Kuyou replied curiously.
"You ... want to play?" he asked, pulling the instrument out and offering it toward the frequently silent girl.
"With you," Kuyou answered, her eyes rising to Kyon's.
"What do you play?" Haruhi asked.
"Chorus."  After blinking, Kuyou added, "Stringed instruments."
"That's quite a scope to cover!" Sasaki mused.

I got the mental picture of Kyon star-hopping (instead of roof-hopping) with this exchange ....

"Oh, does distracting count?" Tsuruya asked.

Perhaps adding 'him' after 'distracting' -- my mind was grasping for a noun here.

First, Kyon and Sasaki seemed to blend in with the others in their yukata and kimono (respectively),

It might flow better if 'yukata and kimono (respectively)' became something like 'traditional clothing'

Ryouko offered, "'Seeking' negates miss chance due to concealment!"

I've read this a few times, and can't quite make sense of it. Is she speaking of "missed chance(s)" or the probability of missing because of the smoke and steam obscuring vision? I was assuming it related to the current battle, but the subsequent conversation gives me the impression that it may relate to the overall efforts of the Combine.

blasting into the side of a distanct hill across the river

distanct => distant
I also wonder if the concept conveyed with the word 'effectively' used in this paragraph and the previous one would be better represented with 'essentially' - Effective carries the meaning of competence or ability, and Essential carries the meaning of the essence or basic nature of something.

but Yuki had worked had to hone his reflexes properly

The second 'had' should be 'hard' I believe.

not realizing he had even been holding his breath until them.

until then?

What was this, anime exposition?

Indeed.

Miyuki noted the names, making a note to her to double check her paperwork

note to herself

Realizing she'd run off to play heroine without hesitation

I was reading 'she'd' as 'she had' instead of 'she would' perhaps the contraction could be un-contracted?

Matsuri had finished parceling out cotton and immediately dashed down the riverbank, ignoring her mother's gentle scolding to keep her uniform clean.

Given where the Furuude shrine is, wouldn't she dash down *to* the riverbank? Also, instead of uniform, if I remember, a miko's full outfit is called a joue. Or is that only for male leadership? Of course 'joue' may be getting too gratuitous, even for Gratuitous Japanese. Come to think of it, IIRC in Higurashi, Rika wears a simple hakama and haori...  Perhaps you hit it right as it is.

the debilitating parental mushiness humiliation attack

I've used variations of this a few times myself, but Rika and Keiichi are masters. {Files mental note for future use}

Haruhi hadn't run into him nearly as often as Kyon, but she didn't have a great impression of him.

Missing 'had' after "Kyon' perhaps. I am reading this that she is comparing her number of run-ins with Fujiwara with Kyon's number of the same, and the extra 'had' clarifies it.

Smoothing the yukata that Mion had loaned her down, Haruhi frowned.
"Oh, keep the yukata, too," Mion added, chuckling.  "Consider them gifts!"

From the kimono box at the start of the chapter, I thought the girls were all in kimono; this states otherwise.

As much fun and excitement -- and despite being totally unexpected -- Kyon and his friends managed to finish changing and gathering their things swiftly.

This sounds like an edit where two separate ideas ended up in the same sentence, with the conceptual break between 'unexpected' and 'Kyon'. The first half of the sentence doesn't seem to match the last half.

what if he get arrested

gets

Overall, an enjoyable chapter. I do like the new and improved fight scene in this version over the former one.

Kit

[thedarkfreak]

Enjoyed the pacing on the new fight scene.

Only one nitpick stuck out to me.

Spoiler: ShowHide

While she was still uncertain about the whole 'sharing' idea, even if she tried to put up a good front about the idea

Having 'idea' twice seems redundant.

So, how long is it gonna be for Kyon to get a custom-made TPDD that makes the TARDIS whooshing sound?

[Brian]

Thanks for the feedback, Kitsune.

Now that I have a long weekend, here are a few items after reading the last update:

Spoiler: ShowHide

I got the mental picture of Kyon star-hopping (instead of roof-hopping) with this exchange ....

Kyon: "Allons-y!"

"Oh, does distracting count?" Tsuruya asked.

Perhaps adding 'him' after 'distracting' -- my mind was grasping for a noun here.

If it needs a specific, I'd go with 'Kyon' over 'him'.

First, Kyon and Sasaki seemed to blend in with the others in their yukata and kimono (respectively),

It might flow better if 'yukata and kimono (respectively)' became something like 'traditional clothing'

You don't usually go with a more generic noun over a specific one, so I reworked the line a bit.

Ryouko offered, "'Seeking' negates miss chance due to concealment!"

I've read this a few times, and can't quite make sense of it. Is she speaking of "missed chance(s)" or the probability of missing because of the smoke and steam obscuring vision? I was assuming it related to the current battle, but the subsequent conversation gives me the impression that it may relate to the overall efforts of the Combine.

Ryouko is listing the effects of the +1 'seeking' enhancement, as per Pathfinder gaming rules.  It negates the miss chance offered by concealment (but not cover).  It's not exact, and is just a gag for people who are familiar with the gaming system.

I also wonder if the concept conveyed with the word 'effectively' used in this paragraph and the previous one would be better represented with 'essentially' - Effective carries the meaning of competence or ability, and Essential carries the meaning of the essence or basic nature of something.

Hmm, I can go with that.

Realizing she'd run off to play heroine without hesitation

I was reading 'she'd' as 'she had' instead of 'she would' perhaps the contraction could be un-contracted?

I think that one's okay as it is.  Technically, it did already happen once.

Given where the Furuude shrine is, wouldn't she dash down *to* the riverbank?

The riverbank is a slope, so I revised that to 'down the slope to' to make it a bit clearer.

the debilitating parental mushiness humiliation attack

I've used variations of this a few times myself, but Rika and Keiichi are masters. {Files mental note for future use}

The Higurashi crowd has honed their skills quite a bit....

Smoothing the yukata that Mion had loaned her down, Haruhi frowned.
"Oh, keep the yukata, too," Mion added, chuckling.  "Consider them gifts!"

From the kimono box at the start of the chapter, I thought the girls were all in kimono; this states otherwise.

Easily fixed.

As much fun and excitement -- and despite being totally unexpected -- Kyon and his friends managed to finish changing and gathering their things swiftly.

This sounds like an edit where two separate ideas ended up in the same sentence, with the conceptual break between 'unexpected' and 'Kyon'. The first half of the sentence doesn't seem to match the last half.

Hmm....  Not sure.

The festival had been great fun, and visiting with Kyon and his friends was a great joy.  Even if their arrival was unexpected, they were quite welcome, and organized enough that they managed to finish changing and gathering their things more quickly than Mion would have thought possible.

what if he get arrested

gets

Fixed!

Overall, an enjoyable chapter. I do like the new and improved fight scene in this version over the former one.

Kit

Great!  Thanks again for the feedback. :D

[Brian]

Enjoyed the pacing on the new fight scene.

Only one nitpick stuck out to me.

Fixed!

So, how long is it gonna be for Kyon to get a custom-made TPDD that makes the TARDIS whooshing sound?

Spoiler: ShowHide

Shortly after Kanae gives him a bag that contains a stable portal to an infinite supply of jelly babies.

[Brian]

Oh, man!  I somehow missed this post completely!

I ... am not sure how that happened!

Here are a few last-minute suggestions/corrections you might want to consider:

Spoiler: ShowHide

I didn't quote all the comments I used. :p

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. The proportions seemed amazing, too; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed.

I suggest putting the second sentence at the end instead, since it and the currently-last sentence refer to the drawing:

"Oh, my!" Sasaki couldn't help but exclaim. Kyon's expression suggested he wasn't sure what to make of a sketch of himself ... well, more than just a quick sketch. It was quite detailed. The proportions seemed amazing, too; her sense of scale was absolutely perfect.

I think 'her' becomes confused, so the last interest is 'Kanae's', but that otherwise works.

"Though, Kyon is probably a bit confused at why you gave him a drawing of himself wearing only swimming trunks and his coat.

This is missing a closed quotation mark.

Whoops! >_<

Since Nonoko was playing with her cousins, Ryouko had remained in the background. Even though they were related, the genetic variance was high enough that they couldn't see her without her making extra effort to be visible.

I know the "they" in the second sentence refers to Nonoko and her cousins, but since Ryouko is the subject of the first sentence, it makes it appear that Nonoko and Ryoko are the ones related.

Changed 'they' to 'the children'.

...even in the darkness he only needed a heartbeat to recognize him.

Did the man only need a heartbeat to recognize Kyon, or did Kyon need a heartbeat to recognize the man?  I think it's the former, since you stated two paragraphs later that Kyon didn't notice him.

Will clarify.

Thanks again for the feedback!

[Specular]

From the final version:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Such costumes seemed very common for the village vestival.

"vestival" -> "festival"

[Brian]

Ugh, these typos, sneaking beneath the radar....

Thanks for catching that. :x

[Specular]

Unrelated to the current chapter:

Spoiler: ShowHide

As sometimes happens, today I was looking for some other thing and I found an old sketch of the Tsuruya family crest that I made probably a year ago just because I didn't like what the mangaka (Tsugano) did with it:

Circle version (SVG)	Pin version (SVG)

They're basically a mix of these:

Tsuruya Komon (manga)	+	Old Jedi Order (source)

Think of them as a token of my appreciation!