[Haruhi][Rewrite] The Deconstruction of Haruhi Suzumiya

[sarsaparilla]

Edit Apr-07: a full version of the revised manuscript is attached to this post.

This is a rewrite of my first ever fanfic, the original version of which can still be found at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6995765/1/The-Deconstruction-of-Haruhi-Suzumiya

At one point I had a long conversation with Brian concerning certain issues in this fic, and became convinced that those issues must be addressed if I still want to be satisfied with the story. Now that I have actually started the rewriting process, the necessity is becoming even more apparent. Maybe it was because I wrote the piece right after seeing the anime series but before reading the novels that the style was nowhere near the style of the novels. Thus, this would appear to be a perfect opportunity to practice my style based on the research I have been doing recently.

I hope to accomplish this task in two phases. First, I rewrote the chronologically first scene (which is, because of story structure, located almost at the end of the piece) because I considered it to be the most 'typical' example of Kyon's narration. That single scene, about 2,000 words, is attached to this message.

At this point I would like to get feedback on just the style, ignoring all other concerns. I.e., have I been able to capture Kyon's voice in a convincing manner in that scene? Please don't hesitate to point out anything that appears out of place. I know that it should be a much better job than in the original, but I am still unable to determine whether it is good enough a job.

Once I get past this hurdle, possibly after necessary adjustments to the style, I will then proceed to rewrite the rest of the story and put it up for general feedback.

Thank you already in advance for your kind consideration.

[Muphrid]

General notes:
Narration struck me as leaning a bit toward the long-winded side of things.  Doesn't seem out of place for Kyon in particular, but could be somewhat more long-winded than Tanigawa.  Not sure.  This may have lessened throughout the passage, or it may have just taken a little getting used to, and by later on, I didn't feel like it was demanding as much of my attention.  Again, not sure.

Lots of figurative language and other devices, which is Kyon-like.  e.g. unwitting mole in its burrow.  Might be too much.  For instance,

By now, Haruhi's rampage had reached a level of inexorability exceeding that of an entire herd of stampeding buffaloes. Her eyes shone with the intensity of an industrial-grade laser cutting its way through solid steel. "Right, make sure to bring those if you can find any! Yuki, since you like reading you should find the best ghost stories for us, but only the scariest and most extraordinary will do! Bonus points for finding anything that has happened in our own neighborhood!"

Here, you have a couple strong images juxtaposed that, while both describing Haruhi, aren't really connected together visually.  I'm a little concerned that this could be disorienting---if we spend too much time in a second layer of imagined images, we might lose track of what's going on in the main story layer.

So while it may be Kyon-like to have all this imagery, it might be useful to limit it in some situations so that the images you do use are impactful and not overwhelming.


Anyway, movnig on.  Fawning over Asahina, check.

Good Kyon internal commentary that deviates well from the surrounding, more poised narration.  His reactions to Haruhi and Koizumi are quite good.

Kyon's remarks on forgetting about the last two costumes seem very in-character.  There's a sense of earnestness and frank panic that isn't overdone but still comes across.

One other specific thing:

It was the middle of November, a Thursday to be exact. On the outset of it, there didn't seem to be anything particularly remarkable about that piece of calendrical trivia.

My impression of Kyon is sophisticated, even a bit whimsical in narration.  Calendrical gives a somewhat different impression to me.  It's a bit of a flashy and exotic word to use, despite its common root.


Anyway, I think what you have here is Kyon-like, though I do think some aspects may need to be toned down a bit for smoothness and readability.  Those are, admittedly, somewhat separate concerns, though.

[Arakawa]

So, dealing just with style feedback at the moment, rather than doing a line-by-line commentary.

I'm probably not the most qualified to compare the narration to Kyon's voice, since (a) it's been a while since I read the novels, and (b) I read a fan translation of the novels, and can't vouch on whether they got Kyon's voice completely accurately. Most importantly (c) I haven't been able to write Haruhi characters that satisfy the people I know best have a 'feel' for them (Brian and Halbarad); you're probably well ahead of me in that regard. If we compare to fanfiction, there's a somewhat more fuzzy region of narrative style where an author can vary the details, but the overall character is still accepted as Kyon. The narration here is definitely within that region, as far as I can tell.

Thinking about it some more, I think that whether the narrator feels like Kyon is decided less by the minutia of his language, or the content of his erudite remarks, than by the large-scale pattern of how he reacts to the people around him, and what he chooses to comment on. This is why all of the different translations of the original novels, in spite of taking radically different approaches to rendering the Japanese grammar into English, still feel like the same character using basically the same narrative style. Things in your fic that seem particularly Kyonish to my subjective tastes are expressions like "I couldn't find anything that would have agreed with my already depleted wallet" and his wondering what Nagato would consider to be scary and extraordinary.

A lot of the longwindedness that Muphrid complains about seems to me to come less from the actual style, than from the fact that the fic takes time to introduce all the characters, which leads Kyon to spend a lot of time retreading territory that we're familiar with. My impression is that the introductions are reasonably concise for Kyon and Yuki, less so for Koizumi and Haruhi. The introduction for Haruhi also blurs reality and metaphor when it says that:

The reason for my perpetual apprehension was that reality seemed to have an uncanny -- one could even say supernatural -- tendency to bend to her will. That in itself wouldn't necessarily have been so bad if it hadn't been just this particularly troublesome girl.

This only works under the assumption that the reader already knows the characters (otherwise the allusion to Haruhi's reality-warping could be confused for some kind of metaphor for her forceful personality), which immediately raises the question of why so much time is spent introducing them.

So, if the fic is indeed properly opened with a summary of the characters and their roles in their Brigade, it is worth spending more effort on those descriptions to keep the same style while conveying the information as concisely as possible. Introductions of already existing characters in a fanfiction are very difficult to do without bogging down the pace for people already familiar with the work, but not impossible.

I should say that coming back to an earlier work and re-doing it is a good way to get a feel for just how much you've moved forward in your command of the language and narrative techniques. (I'll be interested to try this exercise myself at some point.) The original Deconstruction was much more bare-bones in its style, whereas the opening here, and the general narrative style is more ambitious.

[Arakawa]

Ah, I just realized the 2,000 word scene with the Brigade will actually be placed towards the end of the fic. Based on that, the introduction of characters would still be a concern, but for different reasons I.e. Rather than an introduction, it's more giving information on characters that already appeared in the fanfiction by that point. Based on that, I get the feeling this was not intended to be a final version of the scene?

I took a look at the opening of the full fic, so far; the prose style works well in the context of Kyon's amnesia, and in fact I think it's better at drawing the reader's interest than the original Deconstruction opening.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you for this feedback; it gives me confidence in being on the right path. Muphrid, I am sorry for not responding earlier; I expected to get the rewrite done quickly enough that I could push the reply until that point. However, as the task proceeded I found myself replacing and adding more than I had anticipated. In the end, the story ballooned from about 16,000 words to a bit over 22,200 words.

The tentative version 1.0 of the rewrite is now attached to the first message. It's a text file in a format similar to Markdown, translatable to HTML by the script I posted earlier.

Concerning the style, the largest difference is, as pointed out by Arakawa, that the original version was severely lacking in some aspects. Specifically, there wasn't almost any description of character action and gesturing, making some passages read like subtitles of a TV show. Considering how large part of the canon characterization is conveyed through gesturing, my shortcoming was particularly critical.

Concerning characterization, in the original version I tried so hard to get Kyon 'right' that I completely overlooked the fact that this story is really all about Haruhi's character growth. I had figured out the story from her perspective, but it never occurred to me to write it down in a way that the reader would also see it. Because of that, the Haruhi in this version is a completely different character than the one in the original version. There were other minor concerns, mostly raised by Brian, related to Kyon's parents, Yuki's role and the infamous baseball bat incident, and I tried to address them all to the best of my ability.

On long-windedness -- it would appear to be an unavoidable part of my writing, no matter how aware I am of the mannerism.

I have taken to heart the issue about excessive use of similes and metaphors. I think that I was trying too hard in the beginning. Hopefully I found a better balance along the way.

Kyon re-introducing Brigade members is something that he also does in one of the short stories in canon. I chose that approach because I felt that it could be subverted for subtle humor, as Kyon specifically mentions how what he tells of each of them doesn't -- as far as he knows -- have anything to do with the story he's telling. There is another reason for this as well. Since the introductory part is almost at the end of the story, and until that Kyon's narration has been quite ... uncharacteristic, I felt that underlining the canon 'normalcy' of the first scene of the kind makes for a nice contrast.

Well, even more than studying the original novels, this rewrite has been a learning experience. I can only roll my eyes at how rigid and sketchy my writing was just four years ago. This is all thanks to the feedback I have received from you, so I would once again like to express my gratitude already in advance.

Edit: since FF.net now allows story specific vignettes, here's a small one I made for this particular story: :)

Spoiler: ShowHide

[Muphrid]

Don't worry about not responding earlier; I've done the same thing in postponing a reply in favor of saying more in one package later, only for later to get pushed on and on and on.

Anyway, I read through the version posted here.  It was interesting to read this story revised; I think this is significantly better polished than the original, though I didn't do a side-by-side comparison or anything like that.

Anyway, analysis below.

General comments

Plot and Structure

This story presents some structural challenges.  Since Kyon can't remember anything, he can make no meaningful effort to change his circumstances.  All these have to come from outside agents, i.e. Haruhi in particular.  The progression of her efforts is, at first, logical.  She gets the nurse when Kyon doesn't remember her.  She shows him to the brigade and arranges for him to go to the hospital.  Once the diagnosis has been made, she organizes reenacting Sigh.

I'm less clear on why she takes him to the cafe.  He's had no reaction to stuff that should've been emotionally stressful.  What purpose does this serve, in her mind?  Is it still part of her effort to bring his memory back?  Or is it an indulgence on her part?  I ask because Haruhi's goal in that scene seems muddled if it's the former, but the latter is not indicated strongly enough to make sense either.

I think there's a bit of a pacing issue with when Haruhi decides to take off her mask in front of Kyon.  This happens right around the cafe, I think.  It strikes me that having her take the mask off earlier (and then put it back on again, but less tightly, so to speak, before taking it off again) would give more of an overt impression that this is about seeing Haruhi as she truly is (just as Kyon is exposed too).

Characterization and Development

Here we are at the meat of the story.

You've said this story was meant to probe at Kyon and Haruhi without their masks.  Normally, I don't like to know quite so much about an author's intentions, to better replicate what an unknowing reader might say, but as they say, the bell can't be unrung.  Let's see here.

The picture of Kyon we get is necessarily static.  Some of this is informed to us:  the doctor notes that Kyon is very even-keeled.  Kyon constantly makes tacit assumptions about what's going on to make up for his lack of memory.  Perhaps this is a natural part of the condition, not to even assume or realize any loss of memory until confronted with this fact.  Even so, he seldom panics, rather expressing mild surprise and confusion at basically everything.

Kyon repeatedly thinks that Haruhi must be his girlfriend.  He finds her physically attractive, after all, and she acts somewhat like a girlfriend in the sense of being close to him and being possessive of him.  I find it odd that, even in the few moments Kyon has to put together a coherent thought, reasons why Haruhi might not be someone he'd want as a girlfriend don't occur to him:  her domineering personality, for instance, or just her overall tsundere behavior.  Maybe these are things he likes?  Hm, that isn't indicated either.  Still, if behind the mask Kyon finds her attractive, then I must wonder what the reason is to wear a mask in front of her.  Powers?  The potential of an unequal relationship between them, for him having knowledge of the truth and for her having such power?

Those are reasons that can't really be addressed in-story, though, or at least I see no indication of them.  Personality, however, could be easily addressed if it is relevant.

A point is made that Kyon behaves more or less the same based on his emotional responses toward a person--especially with respect to Koizumi.  While I get that the point of the story is to demonstrate Kyon's true attitude toward Haruhi, it seems like he's very positive or neutral toward her, never negative.

I spoke a bit about Haruhi's plotline and pacing above.  Let me talk about what she does here.  Most of the early story beats are, honestly, not unexpected.  I thought reenacting Sigh was a good touch, though, as it shows some acceptance of responsibility and a willingness to do anything, even if it brings back bad memories, even if it spurs Kyon to dislike or hate her, to get him back.

I also said earlier I don't really get the cafe scene, and that applies to what happens after it.  Going to see the cherry trees?  I can understand that well enough.  I could imagine, say, Haruhi remembering the out of season blooming that happened there after she made up with Kyon.  She's emotional.  She reads Kyon's notepad, and she sees the quote at the bottom:

Don't bother writing down anything else. You'll just forget what you were looking for.

Now, I would've liked to see when Kyon wrote this, to be honest.  It would've captured some feeling of helplessness, of wanting something that he can't have.  Instead, I could only find this quote mentioned overtly once, well after it had been written.  Kyon expresses some reluctance in narration, as well as some sadness that his life is, apparently, so pathetic that it can be summed up so succinctly.

Haruhi has some kind of realization after reading the notepad, but it escapes me, honestly.  The written sentence seems like something Haruhi would write, actually.  Maybe she felt that Kyon was more like her than she realized?  And in that moment she could try to give him inspiration just as she recevied it in that "dream"?  This is, I think, a poor guess on my part.  If it's in the right ballpark, then perhaps it works, but I think the meaning of that last sentence, and why Kyon would write it, is something that needs more exploration.  I can't think of what Kyon would've been looking for to trigger writing that sentence in the notepad in the first place.

Outside of that, I really have a hard time understanding why kissing Kyon is suppossed to help him--or, perhaps, it only really helps Haruhi deal with her feelings.

Haruhi says, point-blank, that the reason she and Kyon aren't boyfriend/girlfriend is because he wouldn't ask her out.  Now, I can read this to mean that he doesn't show initiative, doesn't make an effort to do things proactively for the Brigade and with her, which she interprets as grudging interest when she wants more.  Still, I think this could be read wrongly to suggest that she thinks it's Kyon obligation to make the first move.  I don't think Haruhi would ask this of every man, just Kyon because of his personality.  Nevertheless, I think the distinction could be more clearly made.

I was also quite surprised to see Kyon more-or-less shrug off the experience.  I suppose since he doesn't remember it, he can't learn much from it.  Going to pick up costumes, and spending time on Haruhi's in particular, could be an indication of embracing the moment?  Perhaps it's trite to give a "what have we learned?" summation at the end of a story.  Kyon just seems really unfazed--which I suppose is part of his character, but he seems really unfazed, shockingly so.

Or perhaps Kyon remembers more than he says, and is giving Haruhi a mask as commentary on her personality.  Hm.  Possible, but it doesn't quite have the power that a realization about himself would provide.

The rest of the Brigade are more or less window decorations here.  Koizumi may be a potted plant instead of a small picture or a thermometer in this case, but he really only serves to help reflect back on Kyon and how Kyon is innately the same as usual.

Style and Command

I noticed right away you tell the story in present tense.  Any thoughts on that?  I know this is more of a translation thing, really, as I think there's something funny about Japanese tenses so there's some ambiguity, so I think you have the freedom to do this.  Just curious.

While description of other characters and the setting abound, Kyon repeatedly mentions he has a headache, but doesn't really describe the sensation much outside of the first scene.

Beyond that, I think you've improved your command (which was already quite good) significantly.  This story is, on the whole, very well-worded, and reading it was a rather effortless exercise.  It used to be I would find awkward turns of phrase that weren't idiomatic, but here those issues are almost completely eliminated.  Nicely done!

Theme

So, following up on the character development section, theme.

Koizumi suggested that Haruhi wants Kyon to live in the moment, to enjoy what they do in the Brigade.  Koizumi also says (and Kyon says it's obvious) that Haruhi wants to see what Kyon would choose for costumes, to obliquely probe at his thoughts about them all.

Are masks still the crcuial idea here?  If so, hmm.  Kyon has a mask for Haruhi, but Haruhi doesn't really seem to comment on seeing Kyon without his mask, which I would've thought to be an important part of her coming to understand him (which seems to be largely in what she reads in the notepad).

That's the thing that gets me, I think.  Most of the first 60% of the story or so doesn't seem to really touch on the theme except for isolated bits.  The doctor comments on Kyon's personality, but we know Kyon is pretty even-keeled, so I don't see this as a component of his mask.  Nor do we see into Haruhi's mask until later.

I absolutely concede the possibility that I simply haven't read into subtleties of the story enough to see that these elements are there after all.

Overall

I had some more thoughts, but even looking at my notes, I can't figure out what else I was going to say, so let me conclude with a few condensed thoughts:

Structurally, the story is straightforward enough that you can't really go wrong.  I think this is a good point.

Kyon has a definite shift in attitude toward Haruhi when he's amnesiac, but I don't think there's a shift in personality.  This is in contract to Haruhi, who acts quite differently toward Kyon when being earnest with him, vs. when she's got her Brigade Chief mask on.  As a result, I think the focus is more on the latter than the former, but we all know she wears a mask.  Kyon probably knows that, too, so I don't appreciate the power of that being revealed.

Anyway, let me not get too mired in that issue.   I think it relies upon too much speculation on my part--which is not a bad thing for a story, if you want things to be open to interpretation.

I don't think I'm discerning enough to tell if Kyon's voice is as good as you hope for it to be here.  At least, I noticed no issues with this aspect of the story, and the overall storytelling was immersive to me.

I think your approach to storytelling in general is still quite suble and nuanced, however, so much so that, perhaps, it doesn't work the way I'm expecting, since I'm looking for clear signposts for what the story should say when all I have is a map without a scale, so to speak.  Now, I take this approach more with newer authors because they have problems figuring out what they want to say beyond, well, X is what happens and they thought it would be interesting.

That's what I find newer authors to do, but I know you're not new to his, and you don't work that way.  If nothing else, I think you have a clear idea of what you want to say and how clearly you want to say it, so please, interpret what I've said so far as in no way disapproving of your approach.  Rather, I just want to be sure that what is being said comes across as clearly as you want it to.

Some of my remarks have concerned the process of making everything fit together like tiles on a kitchen floor, but I'm definitely aware that if things fit together too obviously or too overtly, it feels contrived and unreal.  Stuff like what I mentioned earlier--about Haruhi dropping her mask or experimenting with it--strikes me as a common pacing mechanism that, though I think it may be better, would also change the flow of events in an artificial way.  What you wrote does have an organic and speedy feel to it.  If nothing else, you get to the point:  spending more time with Koizumi, Asahina, or Nagato would've drawn the story out needlessly, even though I do notice when they're used more for decoration or instruments than anything else.

Anyway.  I think, on an intellectual standpoint, I appreciate a lot of what this story does right.  Looking for emotional payoff, though, I'm left feeling somewhat perplexed.  I think about what I read here, knowing that things are resolved, and I wonder what I should feel.  What target feeling, if any, did you have in mind for people who read this story?  To be honest, I find myself unsure even how to conclude what was intended in that respect, if anything (it's perfectly reasonable not to shoot for an emotional reaction at all; a story can seek to say something purely intellectual, too).

What does stick with me is Haruhi's line that she and Kyon aren't together because of his lack of initiative.  I think that captures her feelings on the matter quite aptly.  If nothing else, I think I will take that away from this story.

(Some comments on specific passages below.)

Spoiler: ShowHide

That is the only thing that comes to mind right now. I've got a vague feeling that I'm supposed to have ... _thoughts_, but none are willing to present themselves. Other than the unpleasant sensation welling back and forth my mind feels peculiarly vacant, as if I was a piece of driftwood floating listlessly across the ocean.

This use of "welling" strikes me as odd.  Usually it connotes something rising from beneath a surface; here you used it like something going, well, back and forth between two states.

The shoulder-length dark hair of the girl is tied with a conspicuous yellow band. Her eyes glisten as if she had just cried, but she's now looking at me with an expression that wavers somewhere between anxiousness and relief. The scene feels surreal, as if I had somehow woken up in the middle of a typical shoujo romance story. Or quite possibly a fanfic. At least the 'hurt' part is already taken care of, if you ask me.

The idea of Kyon being aware of the concept of fanfic amuses me greatly, for some reason.

Miss, I'd be very interested in learning the answer to that question, as well.

In your study of Tanigawa's style, how often does he have dialogue like this, that is clearly dialogue but not set off with quotation marks?  I had the impression he did it only where the distinction between what Kyon says and thinks could be made ambiguous.  Here, since Haruhi is shown explicitly reacting to him, it strikes me that such a point is lost.

My answer makes her gasp and release me. "Stay here!" she barks and runs hastily out of the room. So much for the 'comfort' part, then.

What comfort part?  This doesn't seem to be referenced to earlier.

"But he didn't recognize me!" interjects the girl, who's been hopping impatiently from one foot to another during the examination.

This seems like an unusual image to me.

I didn't? Well, I still don't, which is a pity since the girl looks very pretty. But wait-- Didn't that mean that she actually wants me to recognize her? Huh, what's this? I didn't know that I'm popular!

While it doesn't seem outright wrong, using "I'm" vs. "I was" seems clumsy, as it appears to change tense (well, it does, and while it's not incorrect to say someone didn't know something about the present, it sounds a little weird).

The girl stares me angrily. "If you're lying to me about this, then I'm not sure how long it will take me to come up with a penalty big enough! But don't worry for a second there, I wouldn't dream of giving up until you've paid it off in full!"

This seems kind of incongruous, in that how could he pay off a penalty that she can't decide on?  I don't mind this, as it actually seems quite appropriate for the emotion of the moment.

"Of course this isn't a classroom -- it's the SOS headquarters!" exclaims my companion confidently, her chest swelling with pride. "Mikuru-chan, bring us some tea!"

Brigade headquarters, perhaps?

"Of course, the downside is that once you _do_ become distracted, we must go through the rules again before continuing." The boy gives me an apologetic shrug. "It is fortunate that the rules for Othello are so simple. I am afraid that we couldn't possibly finish a game of shogi in time."

This seems incongrous: I can't imagine him having more trouble remembering how to play othello than remembering the days of the week or other purely factual, objective things.

The other bunny girl, however, is grinning menacingly and beckons us forward. "Welcome to the very special private screening of the highly acclaimed first movie of the SOS Brigade, The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru! Come in, come in!"

Film names are italicized.

"Furthermore, I could also claim that it is something that Suzumiya-san has been trying to teach you for some time. Arguably, right now you are very much living on the moment. Indeed, although it may be involuntary, it would be quite hard to live more on the moment than you currently do."

Probably should be living in the moment, for repetition's sake.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you very much for the extensive analysis. Before making any modifications, I have some questions on specific issues. At some points I try to explain what I was thinking when writing or trying to convey through a particular passage; if such an explanation is lacking a question, then the implicit one is that whether the explanation sounds plausible, or should be passage be clarified to facilitate interpretation.

Plot and Structure

Spoiler: ShowHide

I'm less clear on why she takes him to the cafe.  He's had no reaction to stuff that should've been emotionally stressful.  What purpose does this serve, in her mind?  Is it still part of her effort to bring his memory back?  Or is it an indulgence on her part?  I ask because Haruhi's goal in that scene seems muddled if it's the former, but the latter is not indicated strongly enough to make sense either.

It's primarily a matter of Haruhi having to spend some time with Kyon anyway (as per their arrangement) and deciding to do something -- anything, really -- that she hasn't done before (it is implied that many attempts take place outside the scope of the narration, like the visible Sigh related acts being referred as "plan nine" and "plan ten", or Imouto's mention of playing punishment games with Haruhi and Kyon). By the time, she is making a half-hearted effort at best when it comes to the amnesia, and is more concerned about reflecting on her own thoughts, which then directly leads to the "confession" in scene 6.4.

It is intended that the choice shows how Haruhi is grasping at straws by that point, and when even the confession fails to make any lasting impact, she effectively admits defeat (which is a critical step towards resolution).

Is the exact shape of this interpretation so important that she should state so explicitly, instead of leaving it implied like it is now?

I think there's a bit of a pacing issue with when Haruhi decides to take off her mask in front of Kyon.  This happens right around the cafe, I think.  It strikes me that having her take the mask off earlier (and then put it back on again, but less tightly, so to speak, before taking it off again) would give more of an overt impression that this is about seeing Haruhi as she truly is (just as Kyon is exposed too).

Hmm ... that might be difficult to achieve without adding another scene, and so far all the narrated scenes have been chosen by a strict must-be-shown basis.

I was trying to write something roughly similar. Specifically, that we should be able to see her without the mask for a very short time right after Kyon wakes up the first time, and after that there's a steady progression from fully masked to fully unmasked state, telegraphed by Haruhi's choice of topics and expressions (especially slips of tongue showing when she's halfway into admitting an issue).

Characterization and Development

Spoiler: ShowHide

The picture of Kyon we get is necessarily static.  Some of this is informed to us:  the doctor notes that Kyon is very even-keeled.  Kyon constantly makes tacit assumptions about what's going on to make up for his lack of memory.  Perhaps this is a natural part of the condition, not to even assume or realize any loss of memory until confronted with this fact.  Even so, he seldom panics, rather expressing mild surprise and confusion at basically everything.

This is consistent with what I tried to convey, and -- to my understanding -- is also consistent with the disability itself. As demonstrated by psychological tests, the human mind is incredibly adept at confabulating stuff from whole cloth without even realizing it on the conscious level. Thus, it is quite possible to remain unaware of missing something as immaterial as memories, unless circumstances specifically underline the issue.

I find it odd that, even in the few moments Kyon has to put together a coherent thought, reasons why Haruhi might not be someone he'd want as a girlfriend don't occur to him:  her domineering personality, for instance, or just her overall tsundere behavior.  Maybe these are things he likes?  Hm, that isn't indicated either.

Kyon doesn't have the benefit of long-term observations, so his assessments must be based on immediate impressions. I tried to make it clear that whenever he thinks of it, his attitude depends on Haruhi's behavior at that very moment. Hence, he first floats the idea in a neutral or maybe slightly positive manner when Haruhi is shown as being worried about him; a moment later he calls it a "disturbing possibility" when Haruhi is dragging him through a corridor.

Well, other than making Kyon wonder this question himself (and not getting any answer), there wouldn't appear to be much that can be done to address the issue.

Still, if behind the mask Kyon finds her attractive, then I must wonder what the reason is to wear a mask in front of her.  Powers?  The potential of an unequal relationship between them, for him having knowledge of the truth and for her having such power?

This story doesn't provide the necessary tools to examine this particular question; Haruhi raises the question but doesn't get any answer.

A point is made that Kyon behaves more or less the same based on his emotional responses toward a person--especially with respect to Koizumi.  While I get that the point of the story is to demonstrate Kyon's true attitude toward Haruhi, it seems like he's very positive or neutral toward her, never negative.

This is more or less my reading of Kyon's character. In essence, he protests a bit too much, like a compass needle that takes great effort to point due south on the issue. I inserted one such detail in the story as well -- in scene 8 he gets a (correct) hunch that Haruhi had just kissed him; he immediately and opaquely discards the thought as "useless".

I also said earlier I don't really get the cafe scene, and that applies to what happens after it.  Going to see the cherry trees?  I can understand that well enough.  I could imagine, say, Haruhi remembering the out of season blooming that happened there after she made up with Kyon.

I wasn't even thinking that Haruhi would be trying to 'cure' Kyon after the scene at the cafe; instead, it is exactly because she's not single-mindedly chasing that objective any more that she is making some actual progress, in this case reflecting on Kyon's lack of mask and consequently removing her own as well.

Should this be expressed more clearly?

She's emotional.  She reads Kyon's notepad, and she sees the quote at the bottom:

Don't bother writing down anything else. You'll just forget what you were looking for.

Now, I would've liked to see when Kyon wrote this, to be honest.  It would've captured some feeling of helplessness, of wanting something that he can't have.  Instead, I could only find this quote mentioned overtly once, well after it had been written.  Kyon expresses some reluctance in narration, as well as some sadness that his life is, apparently, so pathetic that it can be summed up so succinctly.

I think that I had a rough idea for the scene where Kyon wrote that down, but I cannot remember the details any more. I felt that the exact circumstances were non-essential, and other than showing the first note that he makes (writing down Haruhi's name in a taxi) all the quotes from the notepad are given post facto, without any context. Essentially, I wanted the reader to be as much in the dark concerning the details of the events referred to in the notepad as Kyon is, to create a sense of detachment.

But, the intention behind quoting that passage in that point was exactly what you described, to invoke a feeling of helplessness and frustration. I thought that not even knowing any more what originally made Kyon write it down would have amplified the effect. Do you feel that the opposite is the case?

Haruhi has some kind of realization after reading the notepad, but it escapes me, honestly.

My intention was that reading the notepad made Haruhi feel sorry for Kyon in a way she hadn't been before. While she had already been sorry for what happened and how it affected both of them, reading Kyon's notes allowed her to bridge the empathic link and feel compassion that was not conditional on any of the related issues.

Outside of that, I really have a hard time understanding why kissing Kyon is suppossed to help him--or, perhaps, it only really helps Haruhi deal with her feelings.

'Supposed' as in story logic sense, or Haruhi's motivation sense? On the story logic level, it's the (positive) emotional memory that triggers recollection. On Haruhi's motivation level, it isn't even meant to have anything to do with 'helping' him, at least what comes to the amnesia.

Haruhi's concern is quite simple -- she can sense Kyon's apathy and frustration and wants to do something to address that, from purely unselfish motives. She is able to remove the last pieces of her mask when concentrating on Kyon's feelings instead of her own.

Should this be stated more clearly? As I see it, it might be rather difficult to do so without getting into 'annoyingly obvious' territory.

Haruhi says, point-blank, that the reason she and Kyon aren't boyfriend/girlfriend is because he wouldn't ask her out.  Now, I can read this to mean that he doesn't show initiative, doesn't make an effort to do things proactively for the Brigade and with her, which she interprets as grudging interest when she wants more.  Still, I think this could be read wrongly to suggest that she thinks it's Kyon obligation to make the first move.  I don't think Haruhi would ask this of every man, just Kyon because of his personality.  Nevertheless, I think the distinction could be more clearly made.

I wanted to culminate Haruhi's confession to a sentence that is both striking and subversive of the preceding buildup; there is necessarily some room for interpretations. The way I see the canon situation is that Haruhi thinks that Kyon is not open to entertaining the idea of a relationship; she accepts that as long as there isn't a categorical denial, either. She does take the initiative, especially in the later novels, but Kyon never bites the bait. Thus, the idea that I was trying to make Haruhi convey was that she already felt that she was doing her part, but Kyon wasn't doing his, and therefore there wasn't any progress.

It might be possible to add one sentence to Haruhi's buildup speech to make the intention more clear.

I was also quite surprised to see Kyon more-or-less shrug off the experience.  I suppose since he doesn't remember it, he can't learn much from it.  Going to pick up costumes, and spending time on Haruhi's in particular, could be an indication of embracing the moment?  Perhaps it's trite to give a "what have we learned?" summation at the end of a story.  Kyon just seems really unfazed--which I suppose is part of his character, but he seems really unfazed, shockingly so.

Hmm ... there really isn't an 'experience' for Kyon to shrug off. From his perspective, Haruhi inadvertently performed some spatio-temporal jujutsu move that landed the two of them from classroom@Thursday to Kyon's room@Sunday. In comparison to what he had already experienced, that would appear quite trivial, specifically since Haruhi herself didn't seem to be upset about the occurrence (and neither did any of the other Brigade members contact him with warnings of immediate end of the world). So, he'd be inclined to dismiss the thing as another inexplicable event that are a dime a dozen whenever Haruhi is involved.

Since Kyon had already picked Haruhi's costume before the incident, it doesn't have direct relation to the choice.

If anything, it could be possible to add a mention of Kyon discussing / intending to discuss the issue with other Brigade members.

Style and Command

Spoiler: ShowHide

I noticed right away you tell the story in present tense.  Any thoughts on that?

I chose present tense for the amnesiac Kyon to accentuate the feeling that he is narrating events right as they happen -- as he would be unable to do anything else. In a sense, I was trying to provide a level of immersion to the reader, in which they could adopt Kyon's PoV and also perceive only the very moment that is being narrated.

Furthermore, this provided natural contrast to those scenes narrated by the non-amnesiac Kyon, and which were in the usual past tense.

While description of other characters and the setting abound, Kyon repeatedly mentions he has a headache, but doesn't really describe the sensation much outside of the first scene.

Does this look incongruous? I was using headache as a key motif, where its presence was supposed to symbolize Kyon's frustration at Haruhi's antics, and thus his unconscious unwillingness to remember things.

I thought that it would be acceptable conservation of detail to describe the headache in more detail when it's first introduced to the reader, and then only in passing for subsequent occurrences. On the other hand, since Kyon as a narrator can't remember what he has already described, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to describe it in detail every time.

My concern is that, while natural, repeating details that aren't plot-critical would make the narrative even more long-winded than it already is. Thus, I have tried to restrict repeating information to cases where it directly serves some purpose.

Theme

Spoiler: ShowHide

Are masks still the crucial idea here?  If so, hmm.  Kyon has a mask for Haruhi, but Haruhi doesn't really seem to comment on seeing Kyon without his mask, which I would've thought to be an important part of her coming to understand him (which seems to be largely in what she reads in the notepad).

The scene 6.4 is supposed to explore this dimension. Essentially, I tried to make Haruhi establish (1) that at that point she fully believes that Kyon's amnesia is genuine and all-encompassing (whereas she had harbored a smidgen of doubt until the coffeehouse scene), (2) that she recognizes Kyon as having the same basic personality as before, and therefore, comparing his current behavior to past, (3) she can see that that Kyon's non-amnesiac resistance is a mask, and finally (4) that she feels extremely frustrated because she can't understand the reason for that mask. To her, it's a lose-lose situation -- the amnesiac Kyon appears open to the idea of a relationship but is unable to pursue it, whereas the non-amnesiac Kyon could pursue it but isn't open to the idea, and why this is so doesn't make any sense to her, because she isn't in the masquerade.

Was I being insufficiently explicit, or was there something else beyond these points that you were hoping to see?

Overall

Spoiler: ShowHide

I think, on an intellectual standpoint, I appreciate a lot of what this story does right.  Looking for emotional payoff, though, I'm left feeling somewhat perplexed.  I think about what I read here, knowing that things are resolved, and I wonder what I should feel.  What target feeling, if any, did you have in mind for people who read this story?  To be honest, I find myself unsure even how to conclude what was intended in that respect, if anything (it's perfectly reasonable not to shoot for an emotional reaction at all; a story can seek to say something purely intellectual, too).

As I mentioned in Author's Notes, the whole story was a style exercise to begin with, and even a writing exercise in the sense that I wasn't sure whether I can write a neatly self-contained short story before trying to do so (it was my first ever written piece of fiction if school essays don't count). So, there weren't any ambitious themes to be presented in the first place.

The root cause that made me write the story was that I was bothered by Haruhi's rough handling of Kyon (and other people). Thus, I wrote a story where her 'physical approach to persuasion' has direct negative consequences (this is where the 'deconstruction' in the title comes from) that she can't just brush away as unimportant (as I also felt that the canon gives her too much of a karma Houdini status) or conquer by using even more force. In essence, the story was my somewhat petulant reaction to the canon character of Haruhi, me as the author of the story saying, "I don't like the way you are treating Kyon, so I'm going to take him away, and you can't have him back until you know how to behave." Well, more or less that. >_>

So, if one is looking for an emotional payoff, it's only visible from Haruhi's PoV, although I tried to make it conspicuous enough to be seen without too much effort. There's a very short glimpse into her inner feelings right after Kyon first wakes up. After that, her progress is tied to her mask. At first she appears just unhappy that her toy is broken. It takes her several tries to properly admit personal responsibility and that she is worried about Kyon on a personal level. The situation is not solved until she stops trying to solve it, and instead does something genuine for its own sake. As a reward, she is given an insight into the nature of the "dream" she refers to.

On the whole, I was trying to position this progress in between the highly problematic Haruhi of Sigh and the more nuanced one seen later in the series.

I guess that my question is, is what I describe here insufficiently expressed in the story, or just insufficient as such?

Specific Comments

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If I am not quoting an issue here, it just means that I understood it well enough to take corrective action based on what you mentioned.

My answer makes her gasp and release me. "Stay here!" she barks and runs hastily out of the room. So much for the 'comfort' part, then.

What comfort part?  This doesn't seem to be referenced to earlier.

It was probably too much of a brick joke; I was already ambivalent on whether Kyon could remember recent conversation well enough to invoke it. If it isn't clear to the reader, either, I should probably drop it. To explain, a bit earlier Kyon wondered whether he was in a fanfic, and remarked that the 'hurt' part was already taken care of. Here's the second part of the "hurt/comfort fic" brick.

"Of course, the downside is that once you _do_ become distracted, we must go through the rules again before continuing." The boy gives me an apologetic shrug. "It is fortunate that the rules for Othello are so simple. I am afraid that we couldn't possibly finish a game of shogi in time."

This seems incongrous: I can't imagine him having more trouble remembering how to play othello than remembering the days of the week or other purely factual, objective things.

Hmm ... this goes into very technical territory about amnesia and its symptoms. The list of weekdays is a sequence of rote repetition, it is handled and stored in a different system than analytical functions like playing Othello (since one is not supposed to memorize a correct sequence of moves).

I have no recollection of taking piano lessons when I was younger, but I know on a general level that I have done that. When presented with a piano, I can still play some pieces of music but I have no idea how my fingers manage the feat; I don't recognize the music nor could I even hum the tune when not playing. I couldn't easily play any sheet music, either. There is just a deeply ingrained and completely unconscious impulse-response sequence hard-coded somewhere in my fine motor control neurons.

Concerning this issue, I think that some of amnesiac!Kyon's similes are even more problematic in their application of specific knowledge. An alternative approach would have been to fall back to Buffyspeak, which would have evoked a slightly different feeling.

[Muphrid]

Regarding purpose of the cafe scene:

It's primarily a matter of Haruhi having to spend some time with Kyon anyway (as per their arrangement) and deciding to do something -- anything, really -- that she hasn't done before (it is implied that many attempts take place outside the scope of the narration, like the visible Sigh related acts being referred as "plan nine" and "plan ten", or Imouto's mention of playing punishment games with Haruhi and Kyon). By the time, she is making a half-hearted effort at best when it comes to the amnesia, and is more concerned about reflecting on her own thoughts, which then directly leads to the "confession" in scene 6.4.

It is intended that the choice shows how Haruhi is grasping at straws by that point, and when even the confession fails to make any lasting impact, she effectively admits defeat (which is a critical step towards resolution).

Is the exact shape of this interpretation so important that she should state so explicitly, instead of leaving it implied like it is now?

Haruhi definitely gave an impression of being more or less out of ideas, so that's probably enough, and the exact logic behind what she's thinking is really irrelevant compared to that.

Now, the way you worded it just now, it almost makes it sound like Haruhi could've decided to confess to him in the hope that it would jar him out of his amnesia.  Though I read it more impulsively at first, it does open a possibility that Haruhi takes that step because she comes up with the idea in her frustration and runs with it.

Though, like with the previous point, whether it's impulsive or slightly less impulsive doesn't make a material difference.


Regarding pacing, Haruhi's mask plotline:

Hmm ... that might be difficult to achieve without adding another scene, and so far all the narrated scenes have been chosen by a strict must-be-shown basis.

I was trying to write something roughly similar. Specifically, that we should be able to see her without the mask for a very short time right after Kyon wakes up the first time, and after that there's a steady progression from fully masked to fully unmasked state, telegraphed by Haruhi's choice of topics and expressions (especially slips of tongue showing when she's halfway into admitting an issue).

It sounds to me, considering the whole of your responses, that you feel Haruhi already does have her mask off in that scene, that she puts it back on, and she slowly takes it off again over the course of the story.  So, I think we agree on how the plotline must be structured.  This is more of a question of execution.

I look back scenes 1.1 and 1.2, and I feel like, while seeing Haruhi concerned for Kyon may represent something different from her usual behavior (in which she gives him tasks like he's the Brigade task monkey), it's not something new.  We saw her this concerned in Disappearance.

That said, I can't really imagine what more she could do to "drop the mask" in that scene.  As soon as Kyon is awake, alert, and more or less aware of his surroundings, I can't really see Haruhi doing anything but putting that mask back on and going about her business.


Regarding: final few scenes, Haruhi's thought process for the kiss, etc.

I wasn't even thinking that Haruhi would be trying to 'cure' Kyon after the scene at the cafe; instead, it is exactly because she's not single-mindedly chasing that objective any more that she is making some actual progress, in this case reflecting on Kyon's lack of mask and consequently removing her own as well.

Should this be expressed more clearly?

No, I felt rather dumb after you said this; this is just like Shadow,isn't it?  Nothing fruitful came of trying to attack that problem head on.  The only peace Kyon found there was by coming to terms with the existence he had--though I expect I've butchered the intended meaning in part by trying to simplify it to so many words.

Anyway, this is also part of what I meant when I talked about not letting narrative conventions get in the way of the organic evolution of a piece.  It's acceptable, to me, to have Haruhi go on uncertain what to do.

I'll address stuff about Haruhi commenting on Kyon's behavior a bit later, to consolidate the discussion.

About Kyon's last notepad note:

I think that I had a rough idea for the scene where Kyon wrote that down, but I cannot remember the details any more. I felt that the exact circumstances were non-essential, and other than showing the first note that he makes (writing down Haruhi's name in a taxi) all the quotes from the notepad are given post facto, without any context. Essentially, I wanted the reader to be as much in the dark concerning the details of the events referred to in the notepad as Kyon is, to create a sense of detachment.

But, the intention behind quoting that passage in that point was exactly what you described, to invoke a feeling of helplessness and frustration. I thought that not even knowing any more what originally made Kyon write it down would have amplified the effect. Do you feel that the opposite is the case?

On the one hand, I think that's brilliant: you can absolutely feel the same way Kyon is feeling in that moment.

On the other hand, the reader isn't Kyon: the reader knows his history and his personality.  Such a depressing mindset--essentially, one of surrender to the situation--is something he rarely indulges in, so I really want to understand it because it's hard for me to reconcile it with his personality.  But, like Kyon at that moment, I'm in no position to really understand it.  Moreover, if Haruhi gains some insight into Kyon from that statement, I can't help but think she's gaining insight from something that may misrepresent him.

In other words, I think the statement connects to Kyon the amnesiac, but I have a harder time seeing how it connects to Kyon ordinarily.

Now, perhaps what I'm missing is that, because the story transitions from tyring to help Kyon regain his memories to trying to cope, it's only really important that this shows Kyon's frustration with the situation.  Now, Kyon is even-keeled by nature.  We see that he has been frustrated enough to write the last line, but since we haven't seen him frustrated and really unhappy about the situation in real time, I feel detached from him a little, to be honest.  At least, I feel detached from that feeling.

More about the role of the kiss: how kissing Kyon should help him, if at all.

'Supposed' as in story logic sense, or Haruhi's motivation sense? On the story logic level, it's the (positive) emotional memory that triggers recollection. On Haruhi's motivation level, it isn't even meant to have anything to do with 'helping' him, at least what comes to the amnesia.

Haruhi's concern is quite simple -- she can sense Kyon's apathy and frustration and wants to do something to address that, from purely unselfish motives. She is able to remove the last pieces of her mask when concentrating on Kyon's feelings instead of her own.

Should this be stated more clearly? As I see it, it might be rather difficult to do so without getting into 'annoyingly obvious' territory.

Part of my concern stems from the fact that Kyon is not in his usual state of mind, and that kissing him, no matter the intentions, could be considered taking advantage of the situation.  I certainly don't read any  disingenuousness in Haruhi's actions here, but I have to imagine she would gain some enjoyment, or at least some comfort, out of this action.  She says, "Would it be asking too much?"  This makes it seem more focused on her.

She's pursued Kyon to the utmost limit she can without stating her feelings outright for him (until the confession here).  Thus far, he hasn't taken the bait, as you put it.  So, does Haruhi have some reason nevertheless to believe a kiss is agreeable to him, that he would react well to it?

Perhaps Kyon's reaction to her confession is enough.  He calls himself an idiot, after all, and Haruhi could take some solace from that (she would have to infer it from his expression, but still), even if that strong emotion hasn't jogged his memory.  Still, what strikes me is the apparent lack of consideration.  Simply wondering if it's asking too much of him...I mean, it may not be in Haruhi's character to be deliberate enough and thoughtful enough to allay my concerns here.  In the original case, Kyon could infer Haruhi's feelings for him, however much he tried to deny them mentally.  Can Haruhi infer Kyon's feelings?

Re: that really great line Haruhi has.

I wanted to culminate Haruhi's confession to a sentence that is both striking and subversive of the preceding buildup; there is necessarily some room for interpretations. The way I see the canon situation is that Haruhi thinks that Kyon is not open to entertaining the idea of a relationship; she accepts that as long as there isn't a categorical denial, either. She does take the initiative, especially in the later novels, but Kyon never bites the bait. Thus, the idea that I was trying to make Haruhi convey was that she already felt that she was doing her part, but Kyon wasn't doing his, and therefore there wasn't any progress.

It might be possible to add one sentence to Haruhi's buildup speech to make the intention more clear.

In this case, I think this could be as simple as adding one word:  would.  That turns the statement into one more squarely directed at Kyon's apparent disinterest and begrudging participation in the Brigade.  It also carries the same shade of meaning you're talking about: that Haruhi has done her part to engage him, and all she wants is to be engaged in return.

That could just be how I would interpret the sentence, though.  When we're talking about as subtle a change as a single word, I think there's a lot of variance in perception.  I was only trying to raise the specter of a possible objection to this passage--it's not one that I personally share.

Re: what Kyon could take away from this.

Hmm ... there really isn't an 'experience' for Kyon to shrug off. From his perspective, Haruhi inadvertently performed some spatio-temporal jujutsu move that landed the two of them from classroom@Thursday to Kyon's room@Sunday. In comparison to what he had already experienced, that would appear quite trivial, specifically since Haruhi herself didn't seem to be upset about the occurrence (and neither did any of the other Brigade members contact him with warnings of immediate end of the world). So, he'd be inclined to dismiss the thing as another inexplicable event that are a dime a dozen whenever Haruhi is involved.

Since Kyon had already picked Haruhi's costume before the incident, it doesn't have direct relation to the choice.

If anything, it could be possible to add a mention of Kyon discussing / intending to discuss the issue with other Brigade members.

Hm, no, I would worry about what that does to the snappy pacing of the ending scene.

I suppose my question is this:  is it enough merely to demonstrate what's beneath these masks, or is it necessary that the characters use such experiences to effect future change (of their own behavior, of others', etc.)?

If your answer is the former, I think you've done that well enough that no further modifications are required on this point.

If your answer is the latter, then there may be a missing ingredient from the ending--some indication that this change will indeed be effected.  I don't want to say this needs to be very explicit.  In fact, I think subtle is better here, to a point.

On the topic of how Kyon sees this incident, I think Kyon would hear about his apparent amnesia from a lot of people; I'm not sure he could just say he was punted 3 days ahead that simply.


Re: description of the headache.

Does this look incongruous? I was using headache as a key motif, where its presence was supposed to symbolize Kyon's frustration at Haruhi's antics, and thus his unconscious unwillingness to remember things.

I thought that it would be acceptable conservation of detail to describe the headache in more detail when it's first introduced to the reader, and then only in passing for subsequent occurrences. On the other hand, since Kyon as a narrator can't remember what he has already described, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to describe it in detail every time.

My concern is that, while natural, repeating details that aren't plot-critical would make the narrative even more long-winded than it already is. Thus, I have tried to restrict repeating information to cases where it directly serves some purpose.

It's probably fine.  You didn't describe Haruhi from top to bottom after the first scene either.


Re: about Haruhi seeing Kyon without his mask.

The scene 6.4 is supposed to explore this dimension. Essentially, I tried to make Haruhi establish (1) that at that point she fully believes that Kyon's amnesia is genuine and all-encompassing (whereas she had harbored a smidgen of doubt until the coffeehouse scene), (2) that she recognizes Kyon as having the same basic personality as before, and therefore, comparing his current behavior to past, (3) she can see that that Kyon's non-amnesiac resistance is a mask, and finally (4) that she feels extremely frustrated because she can't understand the reason for that mask. To her, it's a lose-lose situation -- the amnesiac Kyon appears open to the idea of a relationship but is unable to pursue it, whereas the non-amnesiac Kyon could pursue it but isn't open to the idea, and why this is so doesn't make any sense to her, because she isn't in the masquerade.

Was I being insufficiently explicit, or was there something else beyond these points that you were hoping to see?

Let's go through the scene and look at everything point by point.

(A) Haruhi says that Kyon "really doesn't remember," so I can accept that she's put aside this pretense that Kyon might be screwing with her (which I'd attributed to her merely being tsundere about her feelings, unwilling to admit concern and instead masking it with accusations).  This agrees with your point (1).

(B) Kyon asks if he really keeps mistaking her for his girlfriend and why there's nothing else written.  Haruhi responds, asking if it really matters to him, since what they would do on a day-to-day basis wouldn't change.  She wonders why he's so resistant all the time.  She observes that he has been less resistant over these four days.  This more or less agrees with your points (2) and (3) with some simple inference:  amnesiac Kyon is basically incapable of pretense, so he can't be deceiving her now, so his reactions toward her are genuine right now.  Haruhi says that Kyon usually follows through in the end, despite any complaints, so I can see that this may agree most with your point (2): Haruhi recognizes that the complaining is a mask, so the real Kyon may indeed be more like the amnesiac in front of her.  Haruhi's frustration is all that's needed to back up your point (4).

So, hm, what was I concerned about here?  I guess I felt Haruhi really understates how profoundly different Kyon is.  The most that she says is that Kyon has been "complaining less".  He's done more than just complain less.  Every time he sets eyes on her and thinks about what she's doing, how she's tending to him, he comes to one conclusion: that she's acting like his girlfriend.  And he's generally positive on this idea.

But, we know most of that, just from Kyon's narration.  This is a tricky balance.  I don't think you need Haruhi to say much more explicitly, but maybe you paced yourself too fast here:  Haruhi is so efficient with her train of thought that stuff runs the risk of not sinking in, despite all the crucial elements being present.

So it could be that you wrote all the right stuff, but you just need to take longer to say it.

...of course, that suggestion may be just as silly as it sounds, and I could just be quite careless when reading.

That said, I do remember reading a suggestion that you have to say something at least three times for it to sink in for a reader.  I think this is especially true for nuanced and intellectually complicated points.  For action, I think people train themselves in visualizing to the point that they can follow most simple action in real time (i.e. as they read), but long paragraphs are harder to process.

Net conclusion:  you could make things more explicit, you could keep things about as explicit but just say them more, or you could keep things about the same and trust that on a second or third read things will still pop up, especially for an inattentive reader like me (seriously, I can read well when doing something like this, but it's not a sure thing, and I surely don't do it well when not in this kind of analysis mode).

Anyway, let's put that meandering thought aside for the moment, as I'm not sure there's a single right answer for that issue, if there even is an issue.

Re: payoff.

As I mentioned in Author's Notes, the whole story was a style exercise to begin with, and even a writing exercise in the sense that I wasn't sure whether I can write a neatly self-contained short story before trying to do so (it was my first ever written piece of fiction if school essays don't count). So, there weren't any ambitious themes to be presented in the first place.

The root cause that made me write the story was that I was bothered by Haruhi's rough handling of Kyon (and other people). Thus, I wrote a story where her 'physical approach to persuasion' has direct negative consequences (this is where the 'deconstruction' in the title comes from) that she can't just brush away as unimportant (as I also felt that the canon gives her too much of a karma Houdini status) or conquer by using even more force. In essence, the story was my somewhat petulant reaction to the canon character of Haruhi, me as the author of the story saying, "I don't like the way you are treating Kyon, so I'm going to take him away, and you can't have him back until you know how to behave." Well, more or less that. >_>

So, if one is looking for an emotional payoff, it's only visible from Haruhi's PoV, although I tried to make it conspicuous enough to be seen without too much effort. There's a very short glimpse into her inner feelings right after Kyon first wakes up. After that, her progress is tied to her mask. At first she appears just unhappy that her toy is broken. It takes her several tries to properly admit personal responsibility and that she is worried about Kyon on a personal level. The situation is not solved until she stops trying to solve it, and instead does something genuine for its own sake. As a reward, she is given an insight into the nature of the "dream" she refers to.

On the whole, I was trying to position this progress in between the highly problematic Haruhi of Sigh and the more nuanced one seen later in the series.

I guess that my question is, is what I describe here insufficiently expressed in the story, or just insufficient as such?

No, I think you've confirmed what I thought all along: this is really about Haruhi.  So, you can forget stuff I said about Kyon taking away something from this piece.  That's much less critical, in my mind, than understanding what Haruhi takes away from it.

With this story told from Kyon's point of view, we're insulated from Haruhi's thought processes and emotional state--as well as her payoff.  She runs out of the room practically walking on air--but her nominal behavior, instructions for the party--is the same as usual.  I don't doubt Haruhi goes home and thinks very hard on what just happened on her relationship with Kyon.

But what is her conclusion?

I guess that's what I want to see:  I can accept that Kyon may not have learned anything from this experience because the circumstances make it difficult, but I surely want to see that Haruhi will act differently, having gained some insight into Kyon and his feelings, if nothing else.  Do you feel that she has learned enough and experienced enough in this story to turn that knowledge into a different perception and treatment of Kyon?  If so, what indications are there that this is the case?

It strikes me that perhaps one more beat with Haruhi is called for at the end of the piece, to give opportunity to show what Haruhi has concluded, whatever that may be.

[sarsaparilla]

Again, thank you for these comments. They really help me with seeing where I am failing to accomplish what I would want to do.

Now, the way you worded it just now, it almost makes it sound like Haruhi could've decided to confess to him in the hope that it would jar him out of his amnesia.  Though I read it more impulsively at first, it does open a possibility that Haruhi takes that step because she comes up with the idea in her frustration and runs with it.

Hmm, that was not intentional, at least in the sense that Haruhi would have thought of 'curing' the amnesia through the confession; she didn't (as it was established that an emotional memory, not just a strong emotion, would be needed). She might have had some hope that Kyon could remember at least this much, but he doesn't -- on a conscious level.

However, it was also established that Kyon does remember things on an emotional level (Koizumi knows this but Haruhi doesn't), and thus Haruhi's confession has an effect on his attitude in the following scenes. I was trying to show this change in Kyon's attitude through his internal monologue during the last amnesiac scene; I may have not been explicit enough. Maybe I should add a specific callback to the lingering emotional effect from forgotten events.

I look back scenes 1.1 and 1.2, and I feel like, while seeing Haruhi concerned for Kyon may represent something different from her usual behavior (in which she gives him tasks like he's the Brigade task monkey), it's not something new.  We saw her this concerned in Disappearance.

True. Technically, this story happens before Disappearance, so it would be incongruent to have Haruhi act much more openly than what she does there. Also, the window of opportunity is rather narrow. I'll see what can be done within these constraints.

this is just like Shadow, isn't it?  Nothing fruitful came of trying to attack that problem head on.

Yes, exactly. It might be a device I am a bit too fond of invoking, and I am aware of the apprehension it causes on people who would prefer a more goal-driven approach to problem solving.

On the other hand, the reader isn't Kyon: the reader knows his history and his personality.  Such a depressing mindset--essentially, one of surrender to the situation--is something he rarely indulges in, so I really want to understand it because it's hard for me to reconcile it with his personality.  But, like Kyon at that moment, I'm in no position to really understand it.  Moreover, if Haruhi gains some insight into Kyon from that statement, I can't help but think she's gaining insight from something that may misrepresent him.

In other words, I think the statement connects to Kyon the amnesiac, but I have a harder time seeing how it connects to Kyon ordinarily.

Now, perhaps what I'm missing is that, because the story transitions from tyring to help Kyon regain his memories to trying to cope, it's only really important that this shows Kyon's frustration with the situation.  Now, Kyon is even-keeled by nature.  We see that he has been frustrated enough to write the last line, but since we haven't seen him frustrated and really unhappy about the situation in real time, I feel detached from him a little, to be honest.  At least, I feel detached from that feeling.

In that case, I believe that it might be possible to address both issues by making Haruhi recount the root event, during the scene where the quote is mentioned. It remains to be seen how seamlessly this can be done.

Part of my concern stems from the fact that Kyon is not in his usual state of mind, and that kissing him, no matter the intentions, could be considered taking advantage of the situation.  I certainly don't read any  disingenuousness in Haruhi's actions here, but I have to imagine she would gain some enjoyment, or at least some comfort, out of this action.  She says, "Would it be asking too much?"  This makes it seem more focused on her.

She's pursued Kyon to the utmost limit she can without stating her feelings outright for him (until the confession here).  Thus far, he hasn't taken the bait, as you put it.  So, does Haruhi have some reason nevertheless to believe a kiss is agreeable to him, that he would react well to it?

Perhaps Kyon's reaction to her confession is enough.  He calls himself an idiot, after all, and Haruhi could take some solace from that (she would have to infer it from his expression, but still), even if that strong emotion hasn't jogged his memory.  Still, what strikes me is the apparent lack of consideration.  Simply wondering if it's asking too much of him...I mean, it may not be in Haruhi's character to be deliberate enough and thoughtful enough to allay my concerns here.  In the original case, Kyon could infer Haruhi's feelings for him, however much he tried to deny them mentally.  Can Haruhi infer Kyon's feelings?

My intent was to convey that Haruhi can certainly infer his feelings before acting, and as mentioned above, I tried to imply that Kyon's feelings are still being affected by what happened in previous scenes. I wanted to show that Haruhi acts despite knowing that Kyon won't remember it afterwards, not because of that. That while it's not really what she wanted (a long-term relationship), she recognizes that they can still have something that is better than nothing.

I have to clarify the issue, as it would indeed be unacceptable to lean towards the "taking advantage of" interpretation.

In this case, I think this could be as simple as adding one word:  would.  That turns the statement into one more squarely directed at Kyon's apparent disinterest and begrudging participation in the Brigade.  It also carries the same shade of meaning you're talking about: that Haruhi has done her part to engage him, and all she wants is to be engaged in return.

Thank you for this suggestion! If only all adjustments were this easy to make....

I suppose my question is this:  is it enough merely to demonstrate what's beneath these masks, or is it necessary that the characters use such experiences to effect future change (of their own behavior, of others', etc.)?

If your answer is the former, I think you've done that well enough that no further modifications are required on this point.

If your answer is the latter, then there may be a missing ingredient from the ending--some indication that this change will indeed be effected.  I don't want to say this needs to be very explicit.  In fact, I think subtle is better here, to a point.

On the topic of how Kyon sees this incident, I think Kyon would hear about his apparent amnesia from a lot of people; I'm not sure he could just say he was punted 3 days ahead that simply.

A good point. I think that the necessary hook for addressing the issue already exists in the story, and I only have to utilize it. It was established that it would have been Nagato's turn after Haruhi, and we can infer that Haruhi must have called her to tell that it wasn't necessary to 'babysit' Kyon any more. Since Kyon also had to call Nagato concerning the costume, it would be natural for him to discuss the issue with her. That could be inserted as a Tanigawa-style flashback in the last scene, with Nagato's 'Nagato-speak' explanation not really explaining that much to Kyon, who would then feel inclined to speak with Koizumi and perhaps Asahina, as well.

So, hm, what was I concerned about here?  I guess I felt Haruhi really understates how profoundly different Kyon is.  The most that she says is that Kyon has been "complaining less".  He's done more than just complain less.  Every time he sets eyes on her and thinks about what she's doing, how she's tending to him, he comes to one conclusion: that she's acting like his girlfriend.  And he's generally positive on this idea.

But, we know most of that, just from Kyon's narration.  This is a tricky balance.  I don't think you need Haruhi to say much more explicitly, but maybe you paced yourself too fast here:  Haruhi is so efficient with her train of thought that stuff runs the risk of not sinking in, despite all the crucial elements being present.

So it could be that you wrote all the right stuff, but you just need to take longer to say it.

I see. It should be possible to adjust the passage accordingly without an adverse effect to pacing. It might even improve the pacing a bit.

With this story told from Kyon's point of view, we're insulated from Haruhi's thought processes and emotional state--as well as her payoff.  She runs out of the room practically walking on air--but her nominal behavior, instructions for the party--is the same as usual.  I don't doubt Haruhi goes home and thinks very hard on what just happened on her relationship with Kyon.

But what is her conclusion?

I guess that's what I want to see:  I can accept that Kyon may not have learned anything from this experience because the circumstances make it difficult, but I surely want to see that Haruhi will act differently, having gained some insight into Kyon and his feelings, if nothing else.  Do you feel that she has learned enough and experienced enough in this story to turn that knowledge into a different perception and treatment of Kyon?  If so, what indications are there that this is the case?

It strikes me that perhaps one more beat with Haruhi is called for at the end of the piece, to give opportunity to show what Haruhi has concluded, whatever that may be.

This sounds like a pretty challenging issue. I originally designed the story to neatly dovetail with the canon, in which case the difference between Sigh!Haruhi and post-Sigh!Haruhi (especially the anime-only Someday in the Rain) would be indicative of the change in her attitude. I still want it to fit into the intended time frame, in and out, and therefore any large deviations from canon would be out of question.

I think that I can make some minor adjustments to scene 8, but those can only accomplish that much. There might be room for a very indirect reference in a subsequent phone conversation between Kyon and Nagato.

Other than that, the only way to address the issue would be to add yet another scene for this particular purpose, and it would interfere with the structure and pacing of the story. And even then, it's unclear just how much could be conveyed through Kyon's PoV.

I must think this over.

Anyway, thank you once again. I believe that I now have a clear enough understanding on what must be done. While the adjustments aren't necessarily large if measured by the number of words changed or added, it may take some effort to get things just right.

[Muphrid]

Maybe I should add a specific callback to the lingering emotional effect from forgotten events.

I think this would be warranted, definitely.

Yes, exactly. It might be a device I am a bit too fond of invoking, and I am aware of the apprehension it causes on people who would prefer a more goal-driven approach to problem solving.

Well, it puts less emphasis on the logic of attacking a problem and more emphasis on the emotional wellbeing of the characters.    I think one potential danger is that it can appear convenient when problems are solved this way.  In Shadow, Kyon coming to terms with the situation is essential to finding relief:  if he had met Haruhi and tried to get her help in breaking out, nothing good would've resulted.  So in that case, I can't imagine another solution, so I accept the solution that is presented.

In this case?  I can't say I can imagine many other solutions for Kyon's amnesia here, either.  Still, given Kyon is the narrator but the principal actor is Haruhi, I'm thinking carefully about this point.  I think being separated from her viewpoint means that it's harder in general to accept her actions at face value--or to accept that her actions have good reasons based in her character, rather than just the force of the plot's demands.

This sounds like a pretty challenging issue. I originally designed the story to neatly dovetail with the canon, in which case the difference between Sigh!Haruhi and post-Sigh!Haruhi (especially the anime-only Someday in the Rain) would be indicative of the change in her attitude. I still want it to fit into the intended time frame, in and out, and therefore any large deviations from canon would be out of question.

I think that I can make some minor adjustments to scene 8, but those can only accomplish that much. There might be room for a very indirect reference in a subsequent phone conversation between Kyon and Nagato.

Other than that, the only way to address the issue would be to add yet another scene for this particular purpose, and it would interfere with the structure and pacing of the story. And even then, it's unclear just how much could be conveyed through Kyon's PoV.

I must think this over.

So, knowing that you're trying to fit this rigidly in the canon timeline (between Sigh and Disappearance) changes my perspective on this a bit.  I think, in that case, you've written it exactly the way I would for this purpose:  the story is intended to give an (alternative) explanation for an established fact (in this case, Haruhi's general change in attitude).  In that case, there may be no further work required to show payoff.  Instead, I think more emphasis on the date, and how this fits in around other canonical events, could do the trick.  In hindsight, I see you were already trying to do this--reenacting Sigh, setting the story in November, Halloween party, etc.  At first, I didn't process these time markers very closely because I didn't expect the piece to connect strongly the canon--I'd thought I was reading something more self-contained.

Now, what, if anything, is there to connect to?  "Day of Sagittarius" should take place sometime in November, but making a reference to it (especially if it's a reference set before that story happens) could be perceived as contrived and transparent in purpose.  You might be best served standing pat on this--or at least, consider some other people's feedback on this point.  It may be quite obvious to some people, right from the start, just how this is intended to connect with Haruhi's character evolution in canon.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you for these thoughts. After looking at all the issues and making modifications accordingly, I have now attached a revised version of the manuscript to the first post.

Generally, the modifications were quite minor; more than change what Haruhi did I changed how Kyon described her in different situations. The scenes that required largest modifications were 6.4, 6.6 and 9. I hope to have addressed all concerns in an acceptable manner.

[Arakawa]

This is definitely much more impressively written than the last version.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Overall, I had a good impression from this story. It's paced about right to my taste, and the build-up to the point at which Haruhi 'takes her mask' off ends up making the moment feel extremely significant. I'm not sure if 'mask' is absolutely the best word for it, since the situation leads Haruhi to outright shout out things that were true for her, but that she might not otherwise acknowledge even to herself -- but in general, it feels like a believable reveal for her character, obtained by placing her in this strange scenario. The fact that Kyon throughout this fic... is debatably only Kyon on a very superficial level (having none of his memories), makes this fic much more about Haruhi and how these scenes show her reacting to the situation, than about Kyon.

Of course, the fact that Kyon forgets everything that Haruhi says fits the events of the fic into canon, but means that the fic itself ends on something of a note of deadlock. The basic premise excludes an emotional resolution within the fic, so we have to consider this in the context of how things develop later on in canon.

In general, I had a sense that the rewritten fic was a lot more emotionally intense than the previous version. This may be due to better description, or the fact that certain aspects that raised questions in the original story (and led the reader to lose involvement with the characters) are absent in this version, or handled much better. The added scenes re-enacting the events of Sigh also made the story a lot more interesting.

Somehow, it was only when I read this version that I made the connection between Kyon's condition and the real-world case of HM >_>;

Things that seem like they need to be commented on:

• What exactly happens between 2.1 and 2.2 (Kyon walks off in the middle of the night)? Would Kyon's family be informed at this point, or not -- and how would they fail to find out? Would Haruhi have been the one to tell them, or Koizumi? If they find out, did they decide to wait until morning to take him to hospital -- and would that calm reaction make sense on their part? The scene with Koizumi later on at the police station seems to suggest that he has not yet talked to Kyon's parents, so I'm left uncertain as to how this plays out.
• The way Haruhi takes off with Kyon and bundles him off into a taxi was also strange. Is she doing this with the permission of Kyon's family, or not? For the rest of the fic, it seems natural to assume that this was done with permission, but here the sudden way she takes off with him, without even talking to any other person... I'm not really sure how it works.
• ... in general, the total absence of Kyon's parents from events fits the high-school-novel conventions of the canon, but raises notable questions in the two moments above. In the scenes later on, however, their absence (Kyon being looked after by a succession of Brigade members) feels far more natural; and again, it is natural to infer that, since the Brigade as a group is handling some of the re-enactments, that Haruhi would have planned things out with them, and be doing this with permission from Kyon's family. There seem to be no scenes like in the older fic where she tries something strange completely on impulse. (It only now occurs to me that there might be an unfair question in terms of leaving Kyon with the person responsible for injuring him, but that means the fic did a good job of not raising that particular question.)
• The 'stressful fact' causing a memory block ends up being something of a red herring. It provides the excuse for Haruhi to re-enact a large set of earlier scenes to try to get Kyon to respond, but, aside from vague speculations from Koizumi, it's never resolved what causes the amnesia, or whether there is an actual memory block on Kyon's part that could be traced to some reason -- since the amnesia is removed just as suddenly and arbitrarily. Of course, I'm not sure if this needs to be resolved in any way.

So, in general, the fic seems to do a good job allowing the reader to use their knowledge of canon to fill in what happens between the scenes; there were just one or two points, as mentioned above, where I had to apply conscious suspension of disbelief (mostly dealing with the absent parents), or where the gap between one scene and another did not suggest an obvious sequence of events to fill them in.

There were a few points of language that struck me as odd; most of them are stylistically valid, but the following are worth mentioning:

Maybe I can't see anything because my eyes are already closed?

The use of 'already' feels a bit odd in this sentence.

Her eyes glisten as if she had just cried,

"cried" should probably be "been crying".

She will surely grow up to become a respectable member of the society,

Probably should be "respectable member of society".

count Koizumi the vampire

"Count Koizumi" should be capitalized.

And yes, Count Koizumi the sparkling vampire seems about right :D

The commentary above is based on the initial posted version of the fic, and I haven't read through Muphrid's commentary to this in any detail, so my apologies if anything is redundant. I'll read the updated version and Muphrid's comments, and see if I have anything to add to this.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you for these comments. Again, I have some questions before committing myself to making any large modifications.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The fact that Kyon throughout this fic... is debatably only Kyon on a very superficial level (having none of his memories), makes this fic much more about Haruhi and how these scenes show her reacting to the situation, than about Kyon.

This is certainly true, and the only way I could find to make the story fit at a specific point along the canon timeline. But as I mentioned above, this was even meant to be mostly about Haruhi.

Somehow, it was only when I read this version that I made the connection between Kyon's condition and the real-world case of HM

Yes, patient H.M. was a direct inspiration to this story. I was kind of ambivalent about mentioning this in author's notes but eventually decided against it; I believe that anyone who is interested enough in anterograde amnesia will soon find the connection, anyway.

What exactly happens between 2.1 and 2.2 (Kyon walks off in the middle of the night)? Would Kyon's family be informed at this point, or not -- and how would they fail to find out? Would Haruhi have been the one to tell them, or Koizumi? If they find out, did they decide to wait until morning to take him to hospital -- and would that calm reaction make sense on their part? The scene with Koizumi later on at the police station seems to suggest that he has not yet talked to Kyon's parents, so I'm left uncertain as to how this plays out.

I tried to show that Kyon manages to slip away without anyone noticing, since the rest of the family is sleeping. I guess that the question is more about what happens between scenes 1.4 and 2.1. The way I envisioned it was along the lines of:

Koizumi didn't yet know anything about the amnesia. The scene 1.3 was there to specifically show how people could fail to notice that there was something wrong with Kyon's memory.

Haruhi knew that something was wrong but she was intentionally avoiding the issue, because of guilt, suspicion that Kyon might be just pulling a prank and the fact that she couldn't discuss the issue without mentioning the 'girlfriend' thing.

So, Haruhi would have taken Kyon home and told his family that he had hit his head, should rest and be taken to a doctor. Because anterograde amnesia is not an immediately obvious disorder, Kyon's family wouldn't have noticed the gravity of the situation. Quite possibly, the only person with whom Haruhi might have talked directly could have been Imouto, and if Haruhi had seen to it that Kyon gets to bed to have some rest, his parents wouldn't probably have noticed anything unusual even if they checked his condition at some point, as Kyon's answers would have appeared superficially cogent.

Is the lack of description of a reasonable sequence of events between 1.4 and 2.1 so severe that it breaks the willing suspension of disbelief; that unless a path is explicitly shown the reader will assume that it cannot exist?

If the answer is positive, the only way to address the issue would appear to be to add scene 1.5. While I can easily see what it should consist of, it would also appear so redundant -- at least to me -- as to have a detrimental effect on the pacing of the story.

Other than adding a scene, would you see any ways to address the concern?

The way Haruhi takes off with Kyon and bundles him off into a taxi was also strange. Is she doing this with the permission of Kyon's family, or not? For the rest of the fic, it seems natural to assume that this was done with permission, but here the sudden way she takes off with him, without even talking to any other person... I'm not really sure how it works.

I would certainly assume that she has arranged this with Kyon's family; since Koizumi has been working directly with Kyon's parents since scene 2.3 he would certainly inform them of Haruhi picking Kyon up, and the rest of the scene 4 shows that Haruhi is not acting on an impulse; instead, she is taking Kyon to an event that the Brigade members have planned in advance.

Hmm. Should a member of Kyon's family be shown in scene 4.1 to address the concern, and if so, who should it be? Imouto would be the obvious choice. Even if we don't see anyone, it would be logical to assume that someone was there to have an eye on Kyon, and that Haruhi would have talked with them.

in general, the total absence of Kyon's parents from events fits the high-school-novel conventions of the canon, but raises notable questions in the two moments above. In the scenes later on, however, their absence (Kyon being looked after by a succession of Brigade members) feels far more natural; and again, it is natural to infer that, since the Brigade as a group is handling some of the re-enactments, that Haruhi would have planned things out with them, and be doing this with permission from Kyon's family. There seem to be no scenes like in the older fic where she tries something strange completely on impulse.

I felt that the canon setting didn't allow me to use Kyon's parents in any meaningful way, as they have only been mentioned a couple of times in the entire series, never directly shown.

Here, Koizumi is shown to be in contact with Kyon's parents, Asahina mentions that Haruhi has likewise arranged things with them, and Kyon's father is shown for a short moment. Other than that, Imouto is used as 'family representative'. I am afraid that exploring this topic any further would get too far into non-canon territory for the intended scope of the work.

(It only now occurs to me that there might be an unfair question in terms of leaving Kyon with the person responsible for injuring him, but that means the fic did a good job of not raising that particular question.)

Well, Haruhi's culpability would arguably be on the level of negligence, at most.

There are several related background issues. How did the school react to the incident? How did Kyon's parent react to Haruhi causing the accident? How much trouble was caused by having people skip work/school to take care of the issue? I felt that the story didn't provide the necessary framework to address these issues naturally, and giving any of them proper consideration would have derailed what was supposed to be a short story focused on Haruhi's mask. I think that Brian intentionally took the opposite approach in Retrograde.

The 'stressful fact' causing a memory block ends up being something of a red herring. It provides the excuse for Haruhi to re-enact a large set of earlier scenes to try to get Kyon to respond, but, aside from vague speculations from Koizumi, it's never resolved what causes the amnesia, or whether there is an actual memory block on Kyon's part that could be traced to some reason -- since the amnesia is removed just as suddenly and arbitrarily. Of course, I'm not sure if this needs to be resolved in any way.

Hmm ... it's never stated explicitly, and I can't even think of a solution that would allow that to happen. However, it was not supposed to be a red herring; rather, it was meant to possibly provide an indirect comment on Kyon's mental state, and what little character growth there could be for him. Because of that, I felt that it was acceptable to leave the issue open, for anyone to figure it out by themselves if they were interested in doing so.

Originally, I wrote the story in a way that left room for three alternative interpretations, each apparently equally valid. For the rewrite, I specifically didn't care which of them would become the strongest contender; each of them is still a possible interpretation and choosing one doesn't affect the focus of the story.

-----

I used the language-related notes as such.

[Arakawa]

The issues I raised are relatively minor, and would probably not warrant anything beyond small changes or additions to some of the scenes.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Thank you for these comments. Again, I have some questions before committing myself to making any large modifications.

So, Haruhi would have taken Kyon home and told his family that he had hit his head, should rest and be taken to a doctor. Because anterograde amnesia is not an immediately obvious disorder, Kyon's family wouldn't have noticed the gravity of the situation. Quite possibly, the only person with whom Haruhi might have talked directly could have been Imouto, and if Haruhi had seen to it that Kyon gets to bed to have some rest, his parents wouldn't probably have noticed anything unusual even if they checked his condition at some point, as Kyon's answers would have appeared superficially cogent.

Okay, I think I see it now, how things are supposed to play out.

Is the lack of description of a reasonable sequence of events between 1.4 and 2.1 so severe that it breaks the willing suspension of disbelief; that unless a path is explicitly shown the reader will assume that it cannot exist?

If the answer is positive, the only way to address the issue would appear to be to add scene 1.5. While I can easily see what it should consist of, it would also appear so redundant -- at least to me -- as to have a detrimental effect on the pacing of the story.

Other than adding a scene, would you see any ways to address the concern?

It's not a huge problem. The difference here from most of the other off-screen events is that, for most of the gaps in the events, the explanation feels like it can be inferred naturally from hints present in the story, but here I have to invent what happened without any cues from the story supporting what I've come up with.

One way to resolve it without bloating the story would be either to have a call-forward (Haruhi somehow indicating her plan how to handle this) or call-back (maybe Koizumi at the police station, surprised that, if Kyon has this amnesia, that he was not taken to the hospital already, then shrugging and noting that if the SOS Brigade members did not notice anything....) that confirms that Kyon was put to bed without any of his family really noticing that something was seriously wrong with him (which would prompt them to instead immediately go to a hospital). These are optional suggestions, though; probably the call-back would work better, if you feel adding something is necessary based on my impressions.

You mention that the SOS Brigade scene was put in to indicate that it might be possible for someone to not notice Kyon's amnesia, but to me there seemed to still be a divide between the kind of talk that happens in the clubroom (where Kyon could be talking the way he does because he knows the Brigade members, or because he is merely being polite to strangers), versus the kind of interaction implicit in even a not-very-talkative family. Here Kyon would treat very differently the situation of walking into his own house with family he knows, versus walking into a strange house with several strangers.

Now that you've answered this, I realize that, if Kyon's family immediately reacted with concern for his injury, Kyon might respond primarily to that, and never raise the question of who these people are, or whose bed they're putting him in... so that sequence of events seems plausible. Though not necessarily obvious.

I would certainly assume that she has arranged this with Kyon's family; since Koizumi has been working directly with Kyon's parents since scene 2.3 he would certainly inform them of Haruhi picking Kyon up, and the rest of the scene 4 shows that Haruhi is not acting on an impulse; instead, she is taking Kyon to an event that the Brigade members have planned in advance.

Yes. I want to point out that, aside from the moments I specifically found jarring, the fic handled these kinds of questions correctly.

Hmm. Should a member of Kyon's family be shown in scene 4.1 to address the concern, and if so, who should it be? Imouto would be the obvious choice. Even if we don't see anyone, it would be logical to assume that someone was there to have an eye on Kyon, and that Haruhi would have talked with them.

One possible subtle way to allude to this would be to have Kyon hear the front door opening, voices talking about something downstairs, then the sound of Haruhi running up the stairs / down the hallway before she bursts into the room. So, Kyon hears a commotion, but not what it is. Then the reader's immediate and obvious assumption is that Haruhi arrived at the house, informed a family member that she was here to pick up Kyon, and then proceeded to take off with him.

This, I think, should retain the overall abruptness of Haruhi's demands from Kyon's perspective, which is certainly something that works well in the current scene.

The issue here is not really important, since (whereas the question of how Kyon is put to bed in the earlier scene is never really addressed), here it becomes obvious a couple of scenes later that this was pre-arranged.

(It only now occurs to me that there might be an unfair question in terms of leaving Kyon with the person responsible for injuring him, but that means the fic did a good job of not raising that particular question.)

Well, Haruhi's culpability would arguably be on the level of negligence, at most.

Yes. It would be an 'unfair' question in the sense that Kyon's parents might plausibly have been prejudiced against Haruhi on this point, but clearly this was not the case, and they even supported the idea of having Haruhi try to trigger Kyon's memory. Maybe if this was a 100% realistic approach the story might play out over weeks instead of days, but the basic events would be the same (aside from no longer fitting in the canon timeline), so the time compression is not an issue. Especially since Kyon as the narrator has no real sense of how much time is passing anyways.

Originally, I wrote the story in a way that left room for three alternative interpretations, each apparently equally valid. For the rewrite, I specifically didn't care which of them would become the strongest contender; each of them is still a possible interpretation and choosing one doesn't affect the focus of the story.

I think the way the resolution is handled works, so consider my remarks on the 'memory block' to be more a note of my impressions, than any suggestion that something needs to be changed.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you very much for those ideas, I applied them as such. For the first issue, I just let Mr. Exposition do his job, and for the second the description of noise caused by Haruhi's arrival should give the correct impression. The revised version is attached to the first post here, and updated on FF.net.

Okay, that was instructive. I am quite happy with the story as it is now, and would prefer to forget the original version altogether. ^_^ I don't intend to rewrite any of my old stories beyond this one; instead, I'll concentrate on picking up Insight from where I left it.