[Worm] Discovery

[alethiophile]

So I finally have something written, after far too long.

This is is theoretically a divergence fic, departing somewhat pre-canon in Worm. It's probably confusing if you've not read that. I have various plans, but this is mostly setup. My main concern is whether I have Taylor's voice somewhere plausibly in the vicinity of right, which of course will be difficult to judge if unfamiliar with the canon. Felt like running it by, anyway.

[Anastasia]

Interesting. Let me toss out some comments.

- I like Taylor being a little more proactive in this fic. That part of Worm always bothers me. You'd think she'd use her insects to avoid confrontations with the trio.

- I honestly can't recall if Sophia was that physical with her bullying. Body-checking Taylor feels off somehow, but I could easily be wrong here.

- Figuring out Sophia's identity makes a lot of sense. Her indignation and resolution about it feels very Taylor-ish.

Taylor sounds reasonably close to IC. I'm mainly curious as to how this will change things. It may or may not change the Lung encounter. If that goes as canon, then her interactions with the Undersiders and Armsmaster could be a lot different. If it changes the Lung encounter, then who knows? At the least, this paints the heroes as bad guys to Taylor. If she fixes in on that the way she tends to with things, that's going to deeply color how she interacts with them. I doubt there will be any offer to infiltrate the Undersiders.

[alethiophile]

As far as I could tell, the only detailed descriptions of actual incidents in canon are the washroom and Emma joking about her mother's death. There's not much on how Sophia works in the more normal course of things. However, it's become embedded in the fandom—I'm unsure well-foundedly or not, but it makes sense—that Sophia is the most physical of the three. This fits with her conduct as Shadow Stalker in the mall.

There's a subtle hint there, but the timeline is about three weeks prior to actual canon start. Taylor going out early induces significant butterflies; the Lung fight will happen, but in an unfamiliar context and with a notably different outcome.

[Anonymouse]

Overall tone feels very true to canon.

What felt most off to me was Sophia's flagrant use of powers out of costume - it's always emphasized how much they protect their civilian identities. On the other hand, Sophia is one who might take stupid risks like that, so it would be a small and plausible deviation.

I am definitely intrigued and would like to where it is going.

[Anastasia]

As far as I could tell, the only detailed descriptions of actual incidents in canon are the washroom and Emma joking about her mother's death. There's not much on how Sophia works in the more normal course of things. However, it's become embedded in the fandom—I'm unsure well-foundedly or not, but it makes sense—that Sophia is the most physical of the three. This fits with her conduct as Shadow Stalker in the mall.

There's a subtle hint there, but the timeline is about three weeks prior to actual canon start. Taylor going out early induces significant butterflies; the Lung fight will happen, but in an unfamiliar context and with a notably different outcome.

Fair enough to all of that. Nothing there's terribly SoD or canon breaking.

As for the second part, now I'm all interested in what you're going to write. There should be plenty of butterflies from that, yeah.

[alethiophile]

My thoughts as to that:

1. Sophia just walked through the third floor, and has a pretty good guess that it's empty, and is leaving from a place she knows is empty (excepting Emma, who knows).
2. No one has ever been in danger of awarding Sophia the All-Time Award for Good Decision-Making.

[Ergoemos]

I liked it, but how did Sophia know that she wouldn't be severely injured by going through the ceiling? One of her biggest power limitations is how she cannot go through anything with a live current running through it. She reacts with intense pain and some degree of personal damage when she tries, if I recall correctly. I don't know architecture well enough to say that "Oh, yeah, there are no power lines running through this gap in the wall, so I should be safe."

Would Sophia, given that she knows her limitations and might have studied the topic of electrical wiring in buildings, especially if she was getting frustrated at escaping prey? Maybe. She is... clever enough to maybe make that logical leap, if only to become a more efficient predator, but I distinctly remember her only using her powers in either an "attack dodge" or "mobility bonus" except when she knew she was in a place without electricity.

Otherwise, I didn't find any real faults. If capes were rarer in their world, I would have questioned Taylor's deductive reasoning for Sophia, but it makes perfect sense in context. Tone and character seemed spot on, and I always like to see variations on characters that are more proactive.

[alethiophile]

My reasoning there: Sophia as Shadow Stalker has a mask that can see live wires through walls, courtesy of Kid Win (or maybe Armsmaster, but I doubt it). She probably has been in Winslow as Shadow Stalker before; I'm pretty sure the Wards do things like PR events at schools. Thus, she picked out 'safe' locations and places to be careful of then.

[Jason_Miao]

Just got to this.

Opening with discussing the class, especially when the reader doesn't spend any time in the class, seems a little off.  The phrase "...only made worse by the fact that I was constantly looking over my shoulder" seems like it should be the focus of the intro, given the rest of the first scene, but I'd missed it because it was sandwiched between discussion of how boring the class is.

No introduction of Emma/Sopha...if this weren't a fanfic, I'd say you should introduce them.  But it is a fanfic, so expecting the reader to know who they are works.

I agree with everyone else's posts on style, so won't repeat them here.

[alethiophile]

Hmm.

The class is one of my hints to the timeline; the default assumption here, given the immediate setting, would seem to be that the date is the same as Worm 1.1, which it isn't. I'm not sure how better to provide that.

Maybe I can just move the 'looking over my shoulder' bit after the second paragraph?

[Jason_Miao]

Use of the class setting to position oneself in the Worm timeline okay.  But putting the discussion of the merits of class as the very first sentence of the story puts it in a position of at least some seeming importance.  It's an odd way to start your story if the class itself has no other purpose in the fic.

By comparison, Worm 1.1's first paragraph is "Class ended in five minutes and all I could think was, an hour is too long for lunch."  That establishes the same setting as you do, but it also introduces a bit of a "WTF?" factor because there are few people in school who prefer class over lunch.  The next paragraph, which discusses the class wrapping up, introduces the concept of capes.  Of course, that doesn't really explain what capes are, so it's not the most powerful setup, but the opening sequence does more than establish "Herbert is in school."  So it has some added utility.  Not the most amazing or attention grabbing opening though.

-

Looking over your scene once more, what would you think about cutting out the first two paragraphs in their entirety? 

The first line of your story becomes "When the bell rang for lunch, I was already three steps out the door."  In one line, you've not only established a setting, but you've jumped to action - escape.  The first few sentences of the second paragraph "I breathed a sigh of relief as I turned the corner. I was walking as fast as I could, but it was mostly a formality. I could tell that I wasn't being followed" sets up that it's an escape, not from boredom, but from people - a chase!

Which would be more likely to grab and keep your attention when starting a new story?  A chase, or the discussion of the relative merits of a history class that isn't even part of the scene itself?

[Ergoemos]

My reasoning there: Sophia as Shadow Stalker has a mask that can see live wires through walls, courtesy of Kid Win (or maybe Armsmaster, but I doubt it). She probably has been in Winslow as Shadow Stalker before; I'm pretty sure the Wards do things like PR events at schools. Thus, she picked out 'safe' locations and places to be careful of then.

That's fair, I suppose. I do remember her having those goggles in some form.

[alethiophile]

Use of the class setting to position oneself in the Worm timeline okay.  But putting the discussion of the merits of class as the very first sentence of the story puts it in a position of at least some seeming importance.  It's an odd way to start your story if the class itself has no other purpose in the fic.

By comparison, Worm 1.1's first paragraph is "Class ended in five minutes and all I could think was, an hour is too long for lunch."  That establishes the same setting as you do, but it also introduces a bit of a "WTF?" factor because there are few people in school who prefer class over lunch.  The next paragraph, which discusses the class wrapping up, introduces the concept of capes.  Of course, that doesn't really explain what capes are, so it's not the most powerful setup, but the opening sequence does more than establish "Herbert is in school."  So it has some added utility.  Not the most amazing or attention grabbing opening though.

-

Looking over your scene once more, what would you think about cutting out the first two paragraphs in their entirety? 

The first line of your story becomes "When the bell rang for lunch, I was already three steps out the door."  In one line, you've not only established a setting, but you've jumped to action - escape.  The first few sentences of the second paragraph "I breathed a sigh of relief as I turned the corner. I was walking as fast as I could, but it was mostly a formality. I could tell that I wasn't being followed" sets up that it's an escape, not from boredom, but from people - a chase!

Which would be more likely to grab and keep your attention when starting a new story?  A chase, or the discussion of the relative merits of a history class that isn't even part of the scene itself?

This was actually how I had it initially, but I couldn't think of a graceful way to reference the class curriculum after that. Unlike in Worm 1.1, Taylor has no reason to be thinking about it after class has ended.

I suppose I could just cut the reference entirely; there's still a hint as to the timeline in her costume being incomplete.

[alethiophile]

World Affairs class set my nerves on edge. I had been lucky coming in, but all period I felt like I was staring over my shoulder. Mr. Gladly droning about the economic status of the European Union didn't help. I tuned him out to stare at the clock, trying not to make my nervousness visible.

When the bell rang for lunch, I was already three steps out the door.

Does this work any better? This at least ties into her nervousness, rather than her opinion of the class as a whole. Also loses some of the hint, but that's mostly a background consideration anyway.

[Jason_Miao]

World Affairs class set my nerves on edge. I had been lucky coming in, but all period I felt like I was staring over my shoulder. Mr. Gladly droning about the economic status of the European Union didn't help. I tuned him out to stare at the clock, trying not to make my nervousness visible.

When the bell rang for lunch, I was already three steps out the door.

Does this work any better? This at least ties into her nervousness, rather than her opinion of the class as a whole. Also loses some of the hint, but that's mostly a background consideration anyway.

I think so.  If you must discuss the class upfront, then it's a happy middle ground.