Daily Report - Officer Saotome spinoff

[SgtRanma]

Hmm... just posting here in case any of you have already read (or would like to read!) Officer Saotome. I've updated the prequel for it, The Daily Report. it can be found at http://sgtranma.anifics.com

Don't worry, my site is extremely easy to navigate, just go down and you'll see it. Otherwise you're blind.

Please give feedback if you read it, and be harsh as possible.

[Anastasia]

Here's some comments on Chapter 1 of Officer Saotome.

The Good:

Ranma's interaction with the other LAPD cops is very good.  It has a strong feeling of comfortable comraderie that really adds a good element to the story.  Ranma and John's banter at the very beginning is great, as is the bar scene.  

The action scene with Ranma chasing the perp at the start of the story is quite enjoyable.  The action flowed well and had the requiste sense of machismo to it.

I like how proud Nodoka is of Ranma.  It's nice to see her supportive of the life he's chosen for himself.

John McClan>All.  Nice cameo.

The Bad:

Tuk-gong Moo-sul(Yep, this one gets it's own heading.)

Was this really nessesary?  Ranma was already a kickass martial artist by the end of the Manga, I really don't think a futher powerup was needed.  He killed a god(With help, but still), and yet some government group is lightyears ahead of him in skill?  That reeks to high heaven, IMO.  Why?

1. Hard to believe

I won't contest the skill of this martial art in real life, but in the Ranmaverse it's a whole other can of chili.  As I said, Ranma is on a level high enough to take out a Pheonix god, yet a government group is stronger?  It just doesn't play for me.  So what if they use deadly force?  If he wanted to, Ranma could take a life easily enough at the end of the canon.  Just because a style's main goal is to kill doesn't make it super strong.  

2. Not needed

By the end of the series, Ranma is undoubtely strong.  He's taken out mythical creatures and several superhuman fighters.  At this point, he is more than capable of taking care of himself.  Why make him even more superhuman?  At his current level of skill at the end of canon plus a willingness to use guns, I don't see any need to make Ranma stronger.

I'm not really happy with the Ranma/Ukyou resolvement...It's not your fault as much as it's just something I don't like reading.  That comment 'I see you not as a lover but as a brother' tends to drive me up the wall. :)  

Really, my main beef with this is the Tuk-gong Moo sul bit.....It just doesn't work for me.  It's just seems like a real life style brought in to soup up Ranma.

[SgtRanma]

hm.. thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.

Let's see... the Tuk-Gong part.. erk. I sorta portrayed quite sloppily when I first churned out this fic, so it didn't quite come out right. Yes, you are correct in that Ranma really doesn't need this for fighting prowess, and that part where he got beaten up easily is really a poor exaggeration, I should really fix that later.  I incorporated because Tuk-Gong specifically deals with integrating firearms and knife fighting, which is quite unique (well, not the knife fighting part I guess) in martial arts IMO, and hey... it couldn't hurt Ranma to learn maybe a few more tricks (handgun takeaway, defensive speedloading, etc), technique-wise, it's only making him smarter in the field.

As for the Ukyou/Ranma thing....eh... would it help if maybe I had them together in an accidental drunken frenzy (and you know what'll happen there...) in the future? ;)

[Anastasia]

Naw, don't really worry about the Ranma/Ukyou thang much, that was just me bitching a bit.  Nothing major.

Seriously, I think I'll save any more matchup commentary for the last C and C.

[Anastasia]

Oh, and I read the description for that Mihoshi fic....Are you doing divergences from Officer Saotome?

[SgtRanma]

Bah... That fic is on indefinite hold... I started it up when I first finished the 1st and 2nd chapter of OS, now I don't know whether to scrap it or maybe keep at it when I finish OS. And yes, it is a divergence.

[Anastasia]

Officer Saotome, chapter 2 comments

I meant to mention this in the first chapter, but I'll won't hit on bad grammar or anything, as you said you are rewriting these anyway.  I'll wait for those to come out before sicing the grammar demons on you.

Good:

I liked the bit with Mihoshi and that disaster with the 'Fuel Fairy', as she aptly put it.  It was worth a laugh or two.

Kiyone's line about 'Teach me how to make that drink at home' after seeing Ranma change was funny.

Oh, and even though the Bad section is longer, don't take it as an condemnation of your fic, I just tend to focus on what I feel needs work.

Bad:

She is stunningly beautiful and has long teal hair, with an orange bandanna on her forehead.

Hmm, are orange and blue beautiful together?  Not really, no.  That rather ruins the mental image given, since all you gave about her was her hair and her bandanna.  Change the color of it and add some descriptions for the rest of her. And...

Inside there is a gorgeous dark tanned blonde girl leaning back on a luxurious chair fiddling with a puzzle cube.

Okay, she is tanned and blonde....More details!  You said she's goreous, but what do we have to go by except by her skin color and her hair?  Describe HOW's she is beautiful!  Go on about how her hair gently falls down her back in an elegant ponytail!  Describe how her stunning blue eyes draw the looker into the pure depths of her soul!  Yeah, most readers will have an image of Mihoshi from the anime, but that doesn't give you free reign not to give her a good description.  Apply this to Kiyone as well.

[Kiyone has been a police officer for the past six months with the help of some fake credentials by Washu. She still has her job with the Galaxy Police, but with peace reigning across the galaxy after defeating Kagato, there was nothing to do during patrol. Only a few perps who speed, or smuggle illegal things, and she patrols it all only once a week. She was upset that the Japanese National Police prohibited  the use of any firearms for police officers, but was happy that the precinct accepted her as a good police officer and
quickly promoted her to Sergeant Detective. There was
plenty of action with this job, sometimes maybe more thanshe can handle at once. At least she didn't get fired, but not everything was perfect.]

[While Kiyone was working as hard as she could in the police force, Mihoshi was still a bubbleheaded ditz with an  incredible stroke of good luck. For every case they were partnered together Mihoshi somehow always solved the case, even though she didn't know what she was doing. Because she was the commander of the detectives, both Kiyone and Mihoshi had a very comfortable schedule to work around with, and  frequent breaks and vacations.]

BWEE!  BWEE!

Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?  Large chunks of plot exposition aren't a good thing to have.  I'll let you off with a warning to integrate these facts into the fic instead of just outright saying them.  Have a good day, sir.

Don't just belt out a paragraph explaining what has happened to the characters between the fic and the canon.  If you want to add it in, work it into the story, don't just dump it out at the first chance you have.  I'd recommend working this into the bar chat and really filling out that scene.  Have Ranma get some of these details durning the chat with them.

About Kiyone and Mihoshi's reactions to the curse....Don't you think they would take the curse better than some hardboiled LA cops?  They've seen magic and similar things, so this wouldn't be totally mindblowing for them...Yet,. a group of cops without any exposure to this sort of thing takes it in stride?  That just doesn't make sense.

Kiyone:[Heart beats faster]Yeah.[Mentally sighs, thinks to self]This guy is really weird...I haven't felt this way around a guy in a while... Except for maybe Tenchi...But he's just a kid...[Tries to sneak a look at Ranma's face]

Ranma:[Catches Kiyone's look, both blush furiously. Thinks to self]I haven't felt this way around any woman since  Akane![Heartbeat quickens]What is it with this girl? She's so unusual. I wish I could somehow meet with her again somewhere, just to get more familiar with her.

Woah, woah, slow down there.  You just screamed that this fic will be Kiyone/Ranma....Don't give it away in a blaze of obviousness, work and hint at it.  Anyone with an IQ of -32 or above could guess Kiyone and Ranma are gonna be trading more than cop stories soon.

Other:

This ain't a lemon though, I don't plan on having any sex scenes at all.

Planning to stick with that?  I have no real preference either way, but I'm curious.

Please visit my website at http://sgtranma.0catch.com! New fics will always appear there first! And I update often!

Outdated site?

With their combined paychecks they make enough money to live very luxuriously by themselves.

I always hear that cops don't get paid very well....Is this different in Japan, or is this creative liberty?

Overall, despite some problems, I liked this chapter.  The interplay between Ranma and Kiyone was believable, and Mihoshi was funny, as usual.  Still, most of the chapter had a rushed, rather forced feel to it.