[Haruhi] KBDH chapter 48

[Brian]

Okay.  Before reading, you should probably know that I expect that I'll need to re-write a quarter of it at the minimum.

Erg.  I left a laundry list of things I know are wrong with it, but suspect that more people to point out the flaws will help me get this back on track.

Also ... I didn't realize it had been almost a month since the last chapter.  I'm really falling behind. >_>;

[Arakawa]

Hmm... will C&C later, but for now something for us all to think about.

"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

That seems a bit... flippant. For the character you seem to be setting up, I'd been hoping that he'd have a more subtle and roundabout way of reassuring everyone that he knew what he was doing. To see exactly how worrying this is, try to picture him apologizing like that to his daughter.

Logically, the guy should be the first to notice the difference between "reassuring authority", and "oh dear, does the man even care about our safety that much?" and nuance his delivery a little.

(Particularly since the whole kidnapping thing is a cover story and he hasn't actually misjudged the amount of protection the Tadamichis were getting; I'm guessing an alien jumping out of Kyon's greatcoat and turning Nonoko into a magical girl is not in the bill of things they protect against?

And if Tsuruya-sama had generously decided to convey the impression that he'd really screwed up, to fulfil his part in the cover-up, he might act a tad more sheepish than he's written here.)

"I hate to think of how sad my daughter would be if my mistake jeopardized the future she's been planning," the green-haired man said slowly.

My impression given the above and the fact that Tsuruya-sama being ya^H^H^H ninkyo dantai makes you check everything he says for veiled threats, is that Kyon's dad is having the living daylights scared out of him right now.

The only way the current dynamic could work is if he already thinks of the Tadamichis as close family, so in talking to them he goes into 'gentle giant mode', and doesn't bother to waste his time engaging in any sort of message control. (Inner thoughts: "Since they're family, it's disingenuous for me to dress such an apology up beyond 'I should've given you more protection, but I screwed up; I'm sorry.'") Kyon's parents, though, see him as being way out in their out-group, and the gap in how they see the nature of their relations could be played for comedy. If you're taking that route, it might be made a bit more clear. Not entirely sure about it - doing that would make him feel more like a Ranma character in terms of how he's constructed. (i.e. his daughter and by extension the people close to her are an arbitrary and gaping blind spot in his otherwise impressive ability to control his communications.)

EDIT: no, that last suggestion is way inconsistent with how he handles himself at other points in the scene.

I don't know, maybe I don't remember the character properly. He seemed somewhat more of an impressive person whenever it was I last encountered him, more like what you have here:

The green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

Then again, maybe I've lost the ability to be impressed by the Tsuruya patriarch for complicated reasons and I'd spot similar problems if I went back to re-read (that I'd blissfully ignored before). For some reason I like the character enough to feel strongly about him regardless.

Also not sure how useful this all really is. The character's been around for... how many years now? Since at least your 'Asakura successfully murdered Kyon' fic? Kinda hard to give advice on him, though something about his appearance in this chapter rubbed me wrong this time.

[Halbarad]

Corrections are in the attachment, as usual.

[Arakawa]

Also: Nonoko's theme song in Credens Justitiam for this chapter, as she is a firm believer in justice! Enjoy~!

Not sure at what exact point that song was supposed to be playing...

I just have a few things, but one of them involves my mental model of what the heck is going on completely imploding. So you might want to pay attention... or it might just be the fact that I'm a lazy reader and it's a month since I saw the last chapter and you should ignore me completely.

A blast of brilliant energy in a twisted braid shot out,

Bit odd to see it in that order. Consider 'shot out in a twisted braid'?

Haruhi realized with dismay that the dust had begun to settle, and now ... there was nothing left of Kitago's main structure that resembled a proper building. The bulk of it was smashed beneath the monumental ... thing that had dropped through the portal whirling overhead, and what few parts of the school that hadn't been crushed had collapsed anyway.

It's a bit odd that the rest of the chapter works as though... this was just some back alley brawl that hardly anyone noticed. Whereas as far as someone standing outside school grounds would be able to discern, roughly the following just happened:

Spoiler: ShowHide

• A bizillion robots appeared out of nowhere and undertook a huge robotic invasion
• A Godzilla-sized calico cat did appear upon the landscape for a very brief moment
• Some people started shouting Nanoha-derived catchphrases and using telekinesis to throw large chunks of the landscape around
• Something out of the sky beamspammed the robots into total oblivion
• Between them, the robots and the weird telekinetically-equipped people managed to grind the main structure of a local prefectural high school into tiny confetti
• All of this happened on top of a hill, so the commotion could be seen for miles around

Then the only acknowledgment is this:

A step behind him was another teacher, and behind them, a horde of students who had waited until the lunch chime and were now searching for some sign of the battle they had heard Kyon get called out to. Haruhi took Yuki's and Tsuruya's hands in her own. "Well ... what next then?" she asked Tsuruya expectantly.

Wait... wasn't the school just destroyed? To wit:

Haruhi realized with dismay that the dust had begun to settle, and now ... there was nothing left of Kitago's main structure that resembled a proper building. The bulk of it was smashed beneath the monumental ... thing that had dropped through the portal whirling overhead, and what few parts of the school that hadn't been crushed had collapsed anyway.

Then we have a scene in which Tsuruya-sama and Kyon's parents talk in a hospital, and Sasaki and Kunikida run into one another. Absolutely no acknowledgment that Kitago was turned into a presumably very noisy war zone earlier that day in either scene.

She was surprised to find she didn't have to wait long, though -- shortly after she claimed her position at the front doors, she saw a wavering distortion in space that vanished as suddenly as it arrived, leaving her friends in its wake.

Waaaaait? Were they fighting them in a closed space or something?? That explains why they wouldn't have any effect on the population, but then how would Nonoko have got in?? Not to mention why would the sliders go there??? That's the only explanation I can think of, though...

I'm.... extremely confused? Especially since Halbarad didn't seem to have a problem with it, makes me think either there's some story point I don't remember that he does, or the description of events is somehow unclear so that I'm interpreting it differently from everyone else.

Nuts, after thinking it through I'm so confused I even forgot some typo that I know is there... what was it...

As if to underscore that remark, a stray Fanchette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down at the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint. Kyon felt his hands tremble in response to that, and forced himself to still and not squeeze Kuyou too tightly.

Shouldn't that be "drift down at the girl's side"?

[Halbarad]

They're fighting in Kuyou's equivalent of closed space, yes. Happened in the last chapter, and Kuyou mentions it a few times in this one (her 'shadow-song').

[Brian]

Corrections are in the attachment, as usual.

Excellent.  To the attachment!

Surrounded, and seeing no valid escape routes, Kyon grit his teeth at the incoming projectiles, trying to shield Kuyou and the cat she cradled in her arms with his own body. He heard something -- a shrill, very familiar voice rasping an excited, "Shining Seal -- Project!"
>> Swapped out a comma here for an em-dash.

As always, unless I comment otherwise I used your corrections.

A flash of light blinded him even as the first Fanchette slammed into his shoulder, not piercing his flesh thanks to the skinsuit but still delivering all of its force. The impact numbed his entire arm almost instantly, only allowing him to keep his balance thanks to the gravity manipulation devices in his skinsuit. The glowing, two-pronged dart fell to his feet, exploding -- and nearly knocking him off balance anew.

>> Restructured the sentence here a bit - something of a run-on before. Also, is Fanchette a reference to something, or just trying to avoid using 'flechette' repeatedly?

Horribly propegated typo. >_>;

His sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip -- surrounded by a golden crescent, even carried as she was by Haruhi. He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.

>> Nonoko's surrounded by a golden crescent?

Ooh, oops.  The comma after crescent should have been an em-dash to keep it tied to the rod.  I'll reword.

How about:

His sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip.  Her weapon was a gleaming sphere, surrounded by a golden crescent, offset by the shining white and blue outfit she was wearing.  Her cheer wasn't even slightly diminished by the fact that she was being carried by Haruhi.

     He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.  The older girl looked as though she'd taken a blow to the face, her clothing disheveled and singed, her nose and upper lip marked with still drying red stains.  A distant part of his mind noticed that Haruhi was flying -- he'd have to ask her about that later.

Also changed his 'talk' to 'ask,' since he otherwise seemed kind of lke a jerk.

"I know!" Nonoko gave a bright, confident smile. "That's okay! I understand! I used to be afraid, and needed Kyon-kun to be strong! But I'm not left out; I'm not alone!

>> Tense correction.

I thought about this one for a bit, and I think I'm going to let Nonoko's grammar be incorrect here, since it's still understandable, and she's a semi-delirious child.  Hmm.  I am somewhat tempted to have Kyon correct her grammar, now...

Heh.  Better not.

"Imouto," Kyon said, his voice as gentle as he could manage, putting on the bright, reassuring smile he hadn't shown her since she'd woken him up crying about a nightmare, long ago. "This is a magical girl's test of pride."

>> Flipping around the idea of a test seems to be good here, but I'm not sure going after pride is the angle to do it from. Not sure what better to suggest offhand, though. Might keep her from folding so fast, though, if you want her to put up a little more of a struggle.

It also helps if whatever the lesson is, it leads (possibly better) into what Nonoko tells to Kuyou, since that's part of the point of the thing.

Really want to make sure that connection stays in, though I'm not sure what it is....  Trust?  I mean, there's a certain horrifying irony in Kyon begging his sister to trust him when he thinks he's justified in not trusting her....  But Kuyou also (seems) to trust Kyon already.  I suppose that scene could be changed to her realizing what trust and the significance of it are?

Haruhi felt her heart skip a beat, and saw that the fury that Kyon was not showing, concealing deep within himself was dimmed by that. Some small part of his smile became more genuine, before he turned to Haruhi, his smile vanishing. "Haruhi, I'm sorry to ask this; can you buy me some time?"

>> The first sentence here doesn't work as it stands, not quite sure exactly what you're trying to say here so I'm not certain about rewording it.

Rewrote and clarified.  Since IMO everything is rough and could use some refinement anyway...

Haruhi felt her heart skip a beat, remembering the significance of that phrase to Kyon.  Hadn't he complained to her, once that more than anything, he wanted her to call him that again?  As she watched, she was certain that some of the anger Kyon wasn't showing had been dimmed by that.  At least briefly, some small part of his smile became more genuine, before he turned to her.  "Haruhi, I'm sorry to ask this; can you buy me some time?"

Not quite looking at Ryouko, hovering anxiously between him and his sister, he flipped first one, and then the second of his slider weapons into the air. While they were spinning upwards, before they began to fall, he declared, "Activating Gungnir."

>> Why is Ryouko getting mentioned here? The description of her turns this into a run-on sentence, and she doesn't really have any connection to what's going on (other than to point out that Kyon is ignoring her, which may have some value but could be pointed out a bit more directly).

To remind myself/readers that she's present/Kyon's anger at her, yeah.  Really, this is one of many places I rushed a bit too much.  I'll reword and expand slightly (the chapter won't be hurt by padding).

And so:

Haruhi was watching for it, and had to wince at the way he didn't _quite_ looking at Ryouko, hovering anxiously between him and his sister.  Taking a deep breath, he flipped first one, and then the second of his slider weapons into the air.  While they were spinning upwards, before they began to fall, he declared, "Activating Gungnir."

>> Clarified which axis. >_> Also I understand you're going for effect here, but how exactly is Kyon manipulating them without being in contact with them? Or is it something that Ryouko's managing?

Ryouko, though it's not going to come into narrative unless it's used again from hers or Kyon's PoV.  Haruhi doesn't know; she just thinks it's awesome. :d

The weapon was very like a spear, with a narrow shaft that was as long as Kyon was tall -- but instead of the bladed tip of a spear, the malmetal had formed into a largely triangular structure, struts, narrow guidance fins and ... were those exhaust rockets?

>> Rocket exhaust ports or cones would work better here; all rockets use some form of exhaust, so this is kind of redundant. The noticeable part is where the exhaust comes out.

Shoulda been ports.

"Fire," he ordered, as Haruhi stared upwards in amazement, and Nonoko allowed an awed gasp. Further than they could see, whatever Kyon's weapons had been, it fired. Even if they couldn't see the details, its location was easily visible; it glowed like a brilliant red sun, shedding out visible rays in all directions.

>> Second sentence here is pretty awkward. Again, not quite sure what you're intending to say here, so I'll leave it to you for the rephrase.

Yeah, I should probably have made myself stick with this for one more look-over before putting it up. :x

"Fire," he ordered, as Haruhi stared upwards in amazement, and Nonoko allowed an awed gasp.  From further away than they could see, whatever Kyon's weapons had turned into glowed like a brilliant red sun, shedding out visible rays in all directions.  Even if they couldn't actually see it, the source of the spearing light beams was obvious.

"Basically, it's just like a satellite that floats up high enough to pick a charge off any of the ambient electrical forces that Yuki-chan told me were in the atmosphere," he explained. "It can anchor itself against the magnetosphere and stay there. Then, I tell it where to fire."

>> I'm presuming it's powering itself off charged particles from the magnetosphere - the same thing that causes the aurora borealis. Not really important to get into detail on in the story, but I'm attempting to satisfy my own curiosity. =P

That or sprites!

Haruhi gritted her teeth, scowling, and made a fist of one hand, thrusting it up in the air forcefully -- and simultaneously jerking the large, flat piece of rubble he was standing on away from the pile, launching it into the overhead structure.

>> Tense correction. Could probably also simplify Haruhi's action as just punching the air above her.

Got it:

Haruhi gritted her teeth, scowling, and punched upward into the empty air before her -- simultaneously jerking the large, flat piece of rubble he was standing on away from the pile, launching it into the overhead structure.

The slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field until he scrambled to his feet, ignoring the concrete that powdered itself to rubble on the wall of the thing behind him. Kyon stared at Wataru with an expression Haruhi couldn't recognize -- except to know that she didn't like it.

>> Could probably stand to split the first sentence here into two.

Decided to try and split it further, too.

The slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, slipping towards a jagged pile of debris.  Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field.  The glow remained until he scrambled to his feet, ignoring the concrete that powdered itself to rubble on the wall of the structure behind him.  Kyon stared at Wataru with an expression Haruhi couldn't recognize -- except to know that she didn't like it.

Ready for almost anything, when a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy, smaller than her own, but radiating unstable power was launched from his weapon, she was amazed that she could grab it with her telekinesis effortlessly. For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling it back at him, as he stared in confusion, but instead, she hurled it at the building behind him.

>> Awkward first sentence here. Poke me on IRC to rework if you want, I'm not quite sure how to attack it off the top of my head.

I think I got it.  Just chop it into smaller pieces.  I'm frequently running at less than three sentences per paragraph as it is.

Haruhi tried to keep herself ready for almost anything.  When a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy -- smaller than her own, but radiating with unstable power -- launched from the weapon she was actually startled to realize her first attept at countering it worked.  Telekinesis allowed her to hold the thing in place effortlessly, instead of letting it fly towards her, Kyon, and Nonoko.  For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling the trembling orb of pulsating energy back at Wataru, as he stared in confusion ... but instead, she stared straight at him as she launched it at the building behind him.

"Y...you're a fairy person, too, right? Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form? D...don't be too proud!"

>> This... seems a little odd, actually. Nonoko's barely ever even met Kuyou, and while she's certainly got the wrong-genre savvy going, this seems to be a bit of a leap even for her. The end result is fine and works for the story, but there might be a better way to get from point A to B.

Okay.  I'm thinking 'trust' (mentioned above earlier) may work better, though it's pushing a lot more potential unpleasantness with my gleeful excess of Nonoko/Tomoe Mami references (oh, snap; Nonoko's gotta mumble that she wants cake after she passes out; aces!).  Mm, nah, I think it'll work, and we just need to have Kuyou behave in a way that Nonoko can interpet as reluctance/hesitation.

As the Other chose that moment to resume the attack, she opened herself up to it, allowing the other to try to synchronize with her, even as she synchronized herself to Ryouko. A small cluster of memetics from the other girl, modified by the small entity that Kyon's sister now clutched in her hands resonated, and she uttered her own response to the Other, "Synchronize with this: Activate 'chibi-mode'."

>> 'Synchronize with this' seems a little too flippant/colloquial for Kuyou, but what do I know? =P

Hmm.  I could justify it if she's copying someone else, but that's pretty much Haruhi (if anyone in the cast).  I think it'll work better if she either tries to emulate Kyon, Ryouko, or Nonoko.  If she goes Ryouko, then Kuyou temporarily becomes a creepy stepford smiler to her opposite, and I'm ... not sure what if she goes Nonoko, except for acting like she really _was_ a magical-girl mascot (potentially funny).  Probably best to go with Ryouko?

If this is also tying into the 'trust' thing, Kuyou already has pretty much absolute trust for Kyon, but maybe learning the significance of it, and that she can't trust others (Others)?

Drawing a breath, Haruhi set Kuyou on her shoulder, where she adjusted her gravity functions to effortlessly stick there. Then the taller girl put one hand on Nonoko's shoulder and pulled her close. "Imouto, we work together, right? So, let me show you something, too! This lesson is not difficult. First! Concentrate your mind!"

>> While the idea of using Nonoko for this is highly amusing, exactly what is she contributing here? And given how tense the situation is just in having her here, why would Haruhi risk getting Kyon more upset by getting her involved in something she doesn't need to be?

Eh, Haruhi's kind of the center of her normal defenses and Kyon's effectively on minimal defenses still.  Near Haruhi is probably the safest place on the battlefield at the moment.

I think I need to make this clearer; Nonoko's just being given a front-row seat and being allowed to feel important, really.  Also (though this part I'm trying to be somewhat more subtle about), Haruhi gets _extremely nervous_ when Kyon is upset, so though she wouldn't admit it to herself, keeping Kyon's sister close (and safe) is part of her way of trying to show him that everything's going to be okay.

Er.  I ... think this is from Kuyou's Pov, so that'll be somewhat tricky.  Well, I guess she can at least note that Nonoko's not contributing significant energy.  Hmm.

Nearly at her limits, Kuyou was almost relieved when Haruhi concluded with a shout, yelling, "Finally! Unleash your annihilation of love! Master Spark!"

>> I'd draw out SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK but that's just me. =P

Very well!

How about:

Nearly at her limits, Kuyou was almost relieved when Haruhi concluded with a shout, yelling, "Finally!  Unleash your annihilation of love!  _Master Spa~ark_!"  The last sylable stretched for a long moment, the girl drawing it out as she unleashed the last of the energy she was adding to the attack.

I've mostly managed to avoid a lot of drawing things out except with the use of tildes (which is what they're actually for)! :D

Taking a deep breath, Tsuruya forced a smile she didn't -- quite -- feel. Though she didn't know what was happening, she knew where Kyon had vanished, at least. Koizumi was handling the administrative side of things with the school as much as they could, within proper channels.

>> I'd offset 'quite' in italics here rather than in em-dashes.

Ooh, good call.

She was halfway across the distance between them when she took in the details. Tsuruya had seen Kyon angry once, and his current expression showed that his dissatisfaction went deeper than it had that one distant time. Her own smile vanished, especially when she took in Haruhi, her clothing torn and singed, a rime of dried blood beneath her nose. Worst of all, wearing only her pajamas, Kyon's little sister wobbled unsteadily at Haruhi's side, for some reason carrying Kyon's cat in her arms.

>> The last sentence here is a bit heavy on the comma splices.

MOAR COMMA!

Er.  I mean. >.>;;

Worst of all, Kyon's little sister wobbled unsteadily at Haruhi's side, for some reason carrying Kyon's cat in her arms and wearing only her pajamas.

Ryouko had shifted to a form with crystalline fairy wings, hovering anxiously over Nonoko's shoulder, while Kuyou had shrunk to the same size, floating weightlessly at Haruhi's shoulder while staring fixedly at Kyon.

>> Perhaps 'by Haruhi's ear' (or head) to avoid repetition here?

I think just 'by Haruhi' should be fine, but good catch. :p

Holding Kyon's sister effortlessly, Yuki added, "She will sleep for three hours as her symptoms appear to fade gradually; she is no longer at risk."

>> Just as a fridge logic thing, is this really a great idea? The idea of Nonoko being sick does suck, but to have been that ill, to then be 'kidnapped' and her symptoms are gone within hours is going to look really fishy. Granted, Akane is going to have -plenty- on her mind for the next few days, but still.

Yeah, that's true -- but they also have the hospital staff on their side.  Hmm.

The biggest risk is Nonoko, but with the rewrite to focus on trust, I can probably leave her coherent enough to agree to help them tell the story (and pretend to be sick for a while after she gets better) to make sure things look good for the others.  Really, I think that's what that scene can use (along with a few more of Nonoko's 'Nii-san's to wear away at Kyon's irritation).

Yuki nodded once, very slowly. "Then, that is how I feel when you threaten Kyon."

>> Yuki calling him Kyon?

Typo.  Should be 'him'.

Waving a hand dismissively, Tsuruya explained, "Ninkyo dantai business; you mentioned that Takahashi needed to be framed for something by today? Well! Now you don't need to worry about it!"

>> Is there a bridge between these two ideas that I missed? We went straight from excuses for Kyon's mother to framing Takahashi, with no apparent connection between the two. If she's trying to brush the issue with Akane aside, making that a bit more clear would be helpful.

Easily done:

Waving a hand dismissively, Tsuruya explained, "Ninkyo dantai business; you mentioned that Takahashi needed to be framed for something by today?  Well!  Now you don't need to worry about it!  We'll make it clear that this is Takahashi's fault, and not yours -- so she'll have nothing to blame you for!"

Before seeing the group off in the car that Tsuruya had called when Kyon first disappeared, Yuki invoked one of her changes to clean Haruhi up -- and heal her scrapes and bruises. Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he calmed down, but felt an urge to blush until her skin burned, that he cared about her so obviously.

>> Last sentence here is a bit awkward. Maybe: "Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he'd calmed down, but the thought that he cared about her so obviously gave her the urge to blush until her skin burned."

Minor rewrite; may not quite address things:

Before seeing the group off in the car that Tsuruya had called when Kyon first disappeared, Yuki invoked one of her changes to clean Haruhi up -- and heal her scrapes and bruises.  Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he calmed down, but her previous irritations were replaced with almost equally uncomfortably blush that he was so obvious about his concern.

"Yes," the figure answered, not as cheerful as Haruhi was used to hearing her sound. Though ... Ryouko expressing a wider array of emotions was new, and probably good ... it was also unsettling to see the almost eternally-cheerful chibi so morose. Still ... it was nothing short of a miracle that Yuki or Kyon hadn't been harder on her.

>> Lots of ellipses here. I'd replace the second one with a ', but' splice.

Good call.

Yuki blinked at that, looking the faintest bit confused. "Why not?" she asked.

>> Yuki's getting better about asking for clarification, it's true, but for some reason having her ask directly here (or like this) seems a little off.

I can leave it at just 'why', but I'm ... not sure how else I see her asking.  Suggestion?

Most importantly, of course, was the fact that his little sister was curled up asleep in his lap. She envied the smaller girl a little bit, but quickly shoved it away -- they were brother and sister, and anyway, she'd been sneaking into his bed with the others lately anyway.

>> Nuked a comma. You're also repeating 'anyway' in the last sentence.

Dropped the first one (and its following comma, also).  <.<

Or rather.  I would.  This whole scene is going to be cut and rewritten from the ground up; I'm not particularly happy with it.  I got a very good suggestion to try it from Yuuto's viewpoint, and I think that'll fix a lot of things.

Among other problems (as has been pointed out) the fact that Kanae doesn't ever refer to Kyon by (nick)name and doesn't know the names of half of these people. :x

Yuuto knows the names of everyone who's speaking, and him being fuzzy on Kanae and Mikuru just means it's easier to justify not giving them screen-time in the do-over.

The green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

>> Getting here is good, but maybe taking a little bit more time and Akane blowing off what he's saying before he drops that one on her? It kind of comes out of nowhere.

That'll be a consideration for the rewrite for pacing; I expect much of the conversation will follow the same structure up to this point.  And then ... probably, I would be better served with a tension-breaker scene.  Hm.

"So -- this business, this kidnapping.... Your son has an acquaintance -- you know her as Sasaki, I believe?"

>> I understand that he doesn't want to come straight out and say that he's yakuza here, but this seems almost a little -too- oblique.

Right, more clarity from Tsuruya-sama next time.

Kanae felt a little embarrassed that she was overhearing such things, but didn't really want to move from Mikuru's comforting embrace -- unless, possibly, it was into her sempai's. Judging by Akane's expression, that wasn't the best idea at the moment.

>> It amuses me to note that Kanae is an anagram for Akane (in English, at least. Not so much in Japanese).

Ooh, that's unintentional awesome. :D

Irked by thoughts like that, she went home and prepared for cram school, deftly avoiding her mother by leaving a few minutes early.

>> I'd use 'Irked by such thoughts' at the beginning here, although what you have works fine.

I'll go with your suggestion.

Then again, Kyon wore the same pin, and even though she felt guilty to admit it, Sasaki aspired to earn one of her own some day.

>> I might throw in that she's got that aspiration because of Kyon here. I seriously doubt she'd be looking at organized crime if not for that. >_>

Sasaki: "Well, practically speaking, it does bother me to see such capable people so disorganized."

Er.  Yes. :p

Then again, Kyon wore the same pin, and even though she felt guilty to admit it, Sasaki aspired to earn one of her own to be able to work at his side some day.

"No," Kunikida admitted, his neutral expression shifting to a frown. "He's.... He's probably fine, though! He beat up those other guys without any problem, so I'm sure this guy was nothing for him, either!"

>> Which 'other guys'? The only one that Kunikida should be aware of Kyon actually -fighting- would be Ryuguu; Yamane was just dangled out of a window. Granted, he's done a lot more than just that, but not in Kunikida's awareness.

Hmm, Tsuruya mentioned that he'd fought others for her before when asked, but Yanagimoto also defused that particular rumor bomb.  Yeah, I can revise that.

"No," Kunikida admitted, his neutral expression shifting to a frown.  "He's....  He's probably fine, though!  He beat up one of the ringleaders of that vouyer photography ring a while back, so I'm sure this guy was nothing for him, either!"

Okay!  Thank you very much for the commentary! :D

[Arakawa]

They're fighting in Kuyou's equivalent of closed space, yes. Happened in the last chapter, and Kuyou mentions it a few times in this one (her 'shadow-song').

Gyaah! Stupid, lazy me! Far too lazy to properly read and decipher Kuyou's MCSE psychobabble, apparently!

I was actually debating with myself whether to post that particular objection, and in the end I decided to throw it out there. Assuming that other fairly casual readers of K:BDH might suffer the same problems given over a month has passed since the chapter where that was presumably explained...

Thank you for saving Brian from having to respond to my thickheadedness on this point.

Though now I have to re-read the previous chapters to figure out exactly when and how Nonoko managed to get in...

[Brian]

Also: Nonoko's theme song in Credens Justitiam for this chapter, as she is a firm believer in justice! Enjoy~!

Not sure at what exact point that song was supposed to be playing...

Right when Nonoko is quoting Tomoe Mami and saying that she's not afraid of anything anymore.

And when she loses some hair from a shot that would probably have hit her if she were just a bit taller....

I just have a few things, but one of them involves my mental model of what the heck is going on completely imploding. So you might want to pay attention... or it might just be the fact that I'm a lazy reader and it's a month since I saw the last chapter and you should ignore me completely.

Alrighty.

A blast of brilliant energy in a twisted braid shot out,

Bit odd to see it in that order. Consider 'shot out in a twisted braid'?

Yes; word order suffered in a few places. :x

Waaaaait? Were they fighting them in a closed space or something?? That explains why they wouldn't have any effect on the population, but then how would Nonoko have got in?? Not to mention why would the sliders go there??? That's the only explanation I can think of, though...

I'm.... extremely confused? Especially since Halbarad didn't seem to have a problem with it, makes me think either there's some story point I don't remember that he does, or the description of events is somehow unclear so that I'm interpreting it differently from everyone else.

Nuts, after thinking it through I'm so confused I even forgot some typo that I know is there... what was it...

I hate when that happens.

So ... Kuyou generates what she calls a 'shadow song', which is a copy of the solar system that extends about an AU and a half from the sun, which she uses as a sandbox to test changes before committing them to reality.  It also makes a super-convenient place to shuffle the sliders off to for combats, since Kuyou can, (for example) throw Kimidori Emiri completely through the planet (thus causing that particular copy of Earth to be destroyed/Emiri to become quite miffed) without any reprecussions in the real world.

In the last chapter, it was brought up again that it existed, and the transition was described; it was also one of Haruhi's Tohou references, calling it a Spooky Action at a Distance spellcard. :p

It's my fault for taking so long to put out a new chapter.

As if to underscore that remark, a stray Fanchette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down at the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint. Kyon felt his hands tremble in response to that, and forced himself to still and not squeeze Kuyou too tightly.

Shouldn't that be "drift down at the girl's side"?

It will be!

With regards to your commentary on the Tsuruya scene, that feedback (and commentary elsewhere) have convinced me that it's the part that most needs to be re-written.  I'm probably going to break it into two scenes, both from Yuuto's PoV, and probably put a tension-breaking scene in the middle from Kanae/Mikuru's PoV to give them some screentime and show why they're not in the conversation.

Hmm. Probably that'll be them looking out for Kyon/his sister somehow; that'll take some consideration.

Okay, thanks for the feedback; this was very helpful.  I'll try and have a revised draft for those new scenes up in a day or three. :D

Though now I have to re-read the previous chapters to figure out exactly when and how Nonoko managed to get in...

Ryouko brought her in; I think that was mentioned last chapter, too.

[Halbarad]

It also helps if whatever the lesson is, it leads (possibly better) into what Nonoko tells to Kuyou, since that's part of the point of the thing.

Really want to make sure that connection stays in, though I'm not sure what it is....  Trust?  I mean, there's a certain horrifying irony in Kyon begging his sister to trust him when he thinks he's justified in not trusting her....  But Kuyou also (seems) to trust Kyon already.  I suppose that scene could be changed to her realizing what trust and the significance of it are?

Actually, going after trust would work rather well. It's something she wants to earn from Kyon, certainly, and given that she's in control of his gear he needs her to trust him that he can handle the situation better than she can. Plus the extra tie-ins to Kuyou later.

Hmm.  I could justify it if she's copying someone else, but that's pretty much Haruhi (if anyone in the cast).  I think it'll work better if she either tries to emulate Kyon, Ryouko, or Nonoko.  If she goes Ryouko, then Kuyou temporarily becomes a creepy stepford smiler to her opposite, and I'm ... not sure what if she goes Nonoko, except for acting like she really _was_ a magical-girl mascot (potentially funny).  Probably best to go with Ryouko?

If this is also tying into the 'trust' thing, Kuyou already has pretty much absolute trust for Kyon, but maybe learning the significance of it, and that she can't trust others (Others)?

Ryouko would work nicely, especially if Kyon picks up on the expression.

I think I need to make this clearer; Nonoko's just being given a front-row seat and being allowed to feel important, really.  Also (though this part I'm trying to be somewhat more subtle about), Haruhi gets _extremely nervous_ when Kyon is upset, so though she wouldn't admit it to herself, keeping Kyon's sister close (and safe) is part of her way of trying to show him that everything's going to be okay.

Er.  I ... think this is from Kuyou's Pov, so that'll be somewhat tricky.  Well, I guess she can at least note that Nonoko's not contributing significant energy.  Hmm.

Somewhat uncomfortable thought, but in that vein it might also be an unconscious/reflexive way of making sure that he directs his anger away from -her-, too. It's not really like she has any reason to worry about it here, but she's been the subject of that anger before, and so unconsciously trying to avoid it seems like it wouldn't be out of character.

Yuki blinked at that, looking the faintest bit confused. "Why not?" she asked.

>> Yuki's getting better about asking for clarification, it's true, but for some reason having her ask directly here (or like this) seems a little off.

I can leave it at just 'why', but I'm ... not sure how else I see her asking.  Suggestion?

I'm not really sure, which is why I didn't make one. Can't really justify why this seems off, just seemed a little weird. Leaving it as is would probably be fine, I'm probably making something out of nothing.

[Brian]

Actually, going after trust would work rather well. It's something she wants to earn from Kyon, certainly, and given that she's in control of his gear he needs her to trust him that he can handle the situation better than she can. Plus the extra tie-ins to Kuyou later.

Okay, Trust it is.  Not sure why I felt pride was a good fit for Nonoko anyway.

Ryouko would work nicely, especially if Kyon picks up on the expression.

Alrighty; excellent.

Somewhat uncomfortable thought, but in that vein it might also be an unconscious/reflexive way of making sure that he directs his anger away from -her-, too. It's not really like she has any reason to worry about it here, but she's been the subject of that anger before, and so unconsciously trying to avoid it seems like it wouldn't be out of character.

That had occured to me as well.

I'm not really sure, which is why I didn't make one. Can't really justify why this seems off, just seemed a little weird. Leaving it as is would probably be fine, I'm probably making something out of nothing.

Okay.  I will make it a simple 'why?' anyway, though. :)

Thanks again. :D

[Muphrid]

Surrounded, and seeing no valid escape routes, Kyon grit his teeth at the incoming projectiles, trying to shield Kuyou and the cat she cradled in her arms with his own body. He heard something, a shrill, very familiar voice rasping an excited, "Shining Seal -- Project!"

Somehow, I get the image that Kyon gritting his teeth at said projectiles is supposed to make them shudder in mid-air or something.  Just a thought, though.

His sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip -- surrounded by a golden crescent, even carried as she was by Haruhi. He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.

The older girl looked as though she'd taken a blow to the face, her clothing disheveled and singed, her nose and upper lip marked with still drying red stains. A distant part of his mind noticed that Haruhi was flying -- he'd have to talk to her about that later.

"Face" at the end if the first paragraph and near the beginning of the second are somewhat close together.  Then again, "blow to the head" may not be enough of what you're going for.

"Multiple lock-on confirmed!" Ryouko exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Targeting queue is at one thousand, three hundred and thirty seven locks of a possible sixty five thousand five hundred and and thirty five!"

"and and" has probably already been pointed out.  Refresh me on proper puncutation of numbers here:  I think you want "sixty-five thousahnd, five hundred and thirty-five"?

Haruhi's eyes widened as Wataru's cocky grin was instantly replaced with a hateful sneer. "I saved my world!" the other boy screamed, whipping one of his weapons from his holster, bringing up a cylinder that shifted into a sleek black weapon, marked with red highlights. "I bargained to save my people!"

I think this highlights some of the difference in how we go about things.  To me, especially with Haruhi has the POV character for the scene so far, talking about how her eyes react is...I dunno, distracting?  It takes focus off Wataru.  I think I know what you're trying to do; it does show Haruhi's surprise or shock, and I'd be hard-pressed to say I knew a great alternative.  The best I would do would be to emphasize the emotional reaction that underlies the physical response--for example, saying that his sneer gives Haruhi a chill or something.  Part of what may bother me about this is the ordering, but I know you think about ordering carefully, too.  I don't necessarily thing there's any clear-cut reason to restructure this.  I only wish to bring attention to it because it's interesting to notice the difference.

Ready for almost anything, when a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy, smaller than her own, but radiating unstable power was launched from his weapon, she was amazed that she could grab it with her telekineses effortlessly. For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling it back at him, as he stared in confusion, but instead, she hurled it at the building behind him.

I'm not sure I understand the construction at the beginning of this paragraph.  I also think the sentence can be restructured along the lines of "...she grabbed it with her mind, amazed that her telekinesis made the task effortless..." or something.  That's doesn't make me entirely happy (since I'd be introducing clumsy wordage about tasks and stuff).  I dunno.  I think the emphasis may be better served on the grabbing instead of the amazement?

Also, "telekinesis", I think?

When her eyes turned back to Wataru, the boy was trembling, the hand reaching for his next weapon caught in Kuyou's hands-- No, the other Kuyou, Haruhi realized, frowning. This one had no hair band. Her eyes fixed on Wataru, and her discordant voice -- carrying across the distance even though she didn't raise it -- announced, "Go ... home. No ... use ... here."

"the hand"?  Whose hand?  His?

"And make sure you know where Sasaki," Haruhi added. "Really, she's a liability, so if you're making sure she's somewhere she can't be used against us, that'll be perfect -- you can call them, right, Kyon?"

Where Sasaki...is?

Though she still looked angry, the boy's mother turned to look at the elder Tsuruya in confusion. "You know what's going on here?" she pressed. "What ... foolishness Kyon's gotten himself into? Your daughter called to say that Kyon-kun somehow rescued Nono-chan?"

The honorific usage here seems inconsistent?

"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

The repetition of "people" seems a bit clumsy, like you could replace "some unsavory peoples" with "some of them" and have no loss of meaning--at least, if I'm parsing all this correctly.


Maximum cleverness points to Kyon for turning the Magical Girl's test into one of pride instead of courage or anything else that would've put everyone in a real jam.

[Brian]

Oops, won't be able to give this a proper reply until later tonight, I think. :x

Thanks for the reply in the meantime, though. :D

[Arakawa]

Hmm, thought experiments to see how I'd have handled the confusion between shadowsong and real space.

Looking at the rubble of the school, Haruhi could say (could be played for irony) that it's a relief they didn't have to do this to the real school.

More involved idea (needs retcon): shadowsong works somewhat differently (almost-but-not-quite-the-same) from real space, and everyone is slightly disoriented on entering or exiting it (though it doesn't affect their ability to do battle, in any meaningful fashion). Some gimmick on this level might have given an opportunity to add fairly natural descriptions that make the state of the space - who goes in and who comes out, and who's in the space recently as opposed to for quite some time ago - fairly explicit, throughout the entire battle as opposed to just the beginning.

The second idea especially is just a thought experiment, not an actual suggestion *_*

Fanfic writers have it hard. The Madoka writers got away with calling their alternate dimensions 'barriers' because it's obvious it's an alternate dimension ohmigod look at the animation it's all freaky. (Even then I was thoroughly confused as to whether Walpurgisnacht exists in a barrier or not, because the animation cues that made it extremely obvious for the other witches were almost completely absent.) As for the Haruhi novels, Tanigawa isn't juggling six jillion different sci-fi gimmicks in the original novels, he's got just a few so he can afford to spend time repeatedly hammering in every single nuance of how they appear to work.

[Brian]

Hmm, thought experiments to see how I'd have handled the confusion between shadowsong and real space.

Looking at the rubble of the school, Haruhi could say (could be played for irony) that it's a relief they didn't have to do this to the real school.

I ... don't think it's going to be a huge issue that readers will forget about the shadow-song, but I'll throw in more reminders about it -- Kyon wondering how his sister got inside before he glares at Ryouko might be good.

More involved idea (needs retcon): shadowsong works somewhat differently (almost-but-not-quite-the-same) from real space, and everyone is slightly disoriented on entering or exiting it (though it doesn't affect their ability to do battle, in any meaningful fashion). Some gimmick on this level might have given an opportunity to add fairly natural descriptions that make the state of the space - who goes in and who comes out, and who's in the space recently as opposed to for quite some time ago - fairly explicit, throughout the entire battle as opposed to just the beginning.

Mph.  Massive spoiler ahead on Kuyou and her nature:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Some readers have managed to figure out some of what Kuyou is, from asking me questions and various clues throughout the narration.  (Heya, tropers, you're probably going to need to wait years to see this come up in the story if you click this next button, just so you know.)  So:
[spoiler]Those readers have determined that Kuyou is a sentient black hole based on the specific numbers assigned to her spin-rate (1150 rotations/second, which is about as fast as objects can rotate -- period -- thanks to the speed of light).  The only objects that spin that fast are black holes (and possibly neutron stars).

However, this is a misnomer, too, and while sentient stars are kind of cool, that's not really what Kuyou is.  What she is is (seriously, brace yourself; last chance to back out):
[spoiler]
Gravitation.

To clarify, the force of gravity.  The other forces in the Chorus are the electromagnetic force, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force.  In other words, the laws that govern interactions at the smallest scale of our universe.  For them, sentience collects in places where their forces are magnified (effectively, they exist primarily along other facets of the 11-dimentional object that is our universe).  So, Kuyou projects her intelligence from a black hole and creates an interface with spare bits of matter and energy that the rest of the universe can't see anymore because it's within the event horizon of a black hole.

[/spoiler][/spoiler]
Long and short of it: Her copy of the universe should be exactly like the real one, or way, way more alien. >_>;;

Fanfic writers have it hard. The Madoka writers got away with calling their alternate dimensions 'barriers' because it's obvious it's an alternate dimension ohmigod look at the animation it's all freaky. (Even then I was thoroughly confused as to whether Walpurgisnacht exists in a barrier or not, because the animation cues that made it extremely obvious for the other witches were almost completely absent.) As for the Haruhi novels, Tanigawa isn't juggling six jillion different sci-fi gimmicks in the original novels, he's got just a few so he can afford to spend time repeatedly hammering in every single nuance of how they appear to work.

Walpurgis has no barrier -- that's why you never see her name appear.

[Arakawa]

I have to say that I clicked through your multi-layer spoiler and I have to say that it didn't really spoil much for me personally because I have no clue what that implies for the story as it stands now.

Again, I'm no good with

Spoiler: ShowHide

putting this inside [spoiler]three layers of spoilers, just for the sake of symmetry [spoiler]
Yeah, again, I'm no good with extremely involved sci-fi, apparently.

The only thing it really explained to me is why the IDSE took so long to figure out their existence and why they couldn't even begin to start communicating without some hard work by the humans as their intermediary.

Maybe knowing what Kuyou is, though, will help me understand what the heck she's babbling about in the future -_-

[/spoiler][/spoiler]

EDIT: regarding Walpurgis having no barrier, that's what I figured too, except I don't think we ever see any of the ordinary humans notice "oh my god there's a giant gear woman thing in the sky throwing skyscrapers around instead of just the typhoon they were warning us about". Again, it's fairly odd.