[Haruhi] In Your Dreams

[sarsaparilla]

if the goal was to preserve that scene, what changes would you suggest?

I'm not sure that I can offer anything specific. I can certainly see the angle that Haruhi wants to respect Kyon's family by not forcibly intruding during the scene, but shouldn't she know in advance that Kyon won't be alone? The most plausible approach would be to use Haruhi's tendency to act before she has figured out the details (Haruhi: "Of course one should always take the initiative! The details will sort themselves out, somehow.") and more obviously underline her change of mind when the situation doesn't warrant the approach she had planned. Personally, I'd try to write in some trigger condition (something that Kyon/his family does) to elicit the desired reaction, but as the scene is already pretty much fixed on that side, it would have to be Haruhi's thought process that is highlighted.

I guess that as long as it's obvious that Haruhi didn't arrive at the station just to watch from afar it should be okay, and even show a bit of Haruhi's considerate side.

[Halbarad]

Added a bit to clarify this.

There hasn't been much going on since Kyon left for Hinamizawa yesterday; I ended up heading over to the station to see him off, but I didn't think about the fact that his entire family would be there - and it looked like they were having enough trouble trying to manage his little sister and all their luggage.

[Arakawa]

Well, this chapter was worth the wait.

Usual disclaimer: below C&C is meant as easily-ignorable data point. May be redundant with what other people have said.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Hinamizawa Dam was completed in 1981, following several years of protests by local residents concerned about the destruction of their homes by the lake that would be formed to power the hydroelectric dam. The initial construction project was halted in 1979, following the death of the project foreman and the disappearance of one of the men allegedly involved with his murder. Some residents associated the deaths with the local legends of the demon god Oyashiro, which intensified the protests.

Perhaps just "associated the deaths with local legends of the demon god Oyashiro". (No "the"?)

Following the deaths, the dam design was complemented with a series of levees intended to prevent the dam's waters from submerging most of the villages that would have been destroyed by the original design. With these modifications in place, the protests from the villagers were mostly silenced, and the construction of the dam was resumed.

"most of the villages"..."mostly silenced" repetition. Alternatives:

Also, might consider "would have been destroyed with the original design".

I'm not sure, but I think Kyon's little sister might have seen me. If she did, though, she didn't say anything to Kyon or her parents about it that I could see.

"that I could see" is a bit awkward. EDIT: I see you corrected this.

the closest major city looks like it's Aomori, and just the train trip out <i>that</i> far is something like six hours at least.

"looks like" is awkward. "seems to be Aomori"?

a demon god that punishes sins by killing the villagers, and an old human sacrifice ritual that they still perform (in a way) today?

"(in a way)" could stand to be clarified since Haruhi, the narrator, is reading about it for the first time. (Not familiar with Higurashi -- I assume it's a symbolic sacrifice nowadays?)

he's sure to know more about those legends than just the simple stuff I was able to find online.

Suggest rephrasing "simple stuff".... somehow. Not sure.

Speculation: the first lucid dream seems to take place in a closed space, so it seems to follow vastly different rules -- even compared to the subsequent dream. I'd assume this is sort of an intermediate stage of Haruhi figuring out how to project dreams into a closed space in order to share them.

I haven't exactly been trying to pace myself, and she doesn't really look all that athletic so she might not have been able to keep up

I seem to remember Yuki running ridiculously fast in a relay race at the beginning of Novel 2 with Haruhi present, which would seem to contradict this.. unless you want to argue that Haruhi has forgotten about it.

"There are ten gates remaining," Yuki replies, barely on the edge of my hearing - which startles me a bit, I wasn't expecting an answer at all. "Only 21 of the original 84 gates remain."

Bit stilted and confusing, since (I assume?) the first 'remain' refers to how many gates they have to go through before the castle, and the second refers to how many of the gates are still standing since the castle was constructed. Yuki is at least precise with her language, so you might want to vary one of the 'remains' and change it to something else.

I don't get an answer though; Yuki just stares back at me with that same non-expression she usually wears. Whatever, it's probably not that important. We're wasting time though -

Repetition "don't get an answer though"...."wasting time though"

In terms of ways to shorten the chapter... my best bet would be to try to rework the dialogue between Haruhi and Yuki about predicting the behaviour of other people. (Not that it's too long as it is, but it does take its time.) It seems like the same ideas and interaction could be expressed in fewer words. This would take a lot more thinking, though, than just cutting pieces of it out, but it seems possible.

That's assuming you really think the chapter is too long. I think the length should be fine as is.

Especially since for some reason I really liked seeing this take on how Haruhi and Yuki interact when Kyon isn't around.

we got back to the entrance where we were supposed to meet back up with Koizumi and Mikuru, we're already ten minutes behind

Tense mismatch: "we were ... we're". Suggest "we were"..."we'd fallen an entire ten minutes behind schedule" or similar (to avoid repetition of "we were")

Guess she was paying more attention when we parted ways - although if she hadn't we'd just be wandering blindly anyway.

I assume this means that if Yuki hadn't paid attention, Haruhi should still follow her since they'll be wandering blind whether she follows her or not?

the path leading over towards the outbuildings winds back and forth almost as much as the trip up to the keep proper, although there are no gates here, just a stone-walled path that winds back and forth, with what look like arrow-slits in all kinds of geometric shapes.

Very obvious repetition of "winds back and forth". Maybe the first phrase could be replaced by something like "the path leading over towards the outbuildings is nearly as convoluted as the way up to the keep proper".

With as twisty and confusing as the paths are that I've seen here, we could probably wander around all day trying to find each other and never meet.

Awkward. Maybe something like "As twisty and confusing as the paths that I've seen here are" / "With the paths that I've seen here as twisty as confusing as they are"...

"You guys are <i>really</i> late, you know," I start off, crossing my arms under my breasts as I scowl at the pair.

I cross my arms under my breasts and scowl - I'm not sure I like this particular representation of Koizumi.

Sarsaparilla already pointed out "arms under breasts" as being slightly strange, but it might be good to remind that it occurs no less than two times in the story, on the off chance one of the usages is missed.

(regarding Mikuru) The problem with it is that seeing that actually makes me <i>feel</i> like some terrible ogre, and gets me even more angry. Not a good feedback loop to get caught in.

(regarding Kyon) In <i>his</i> case, at least, he pushes back when I carp at him - which usually leads to me yelling at him even more - but after all's said and done, I feel better for having gotten all of it out. He's never seemed to hold much of a grudge or gotten too upset about anything - with one notable exception, but I've been through that already.

It's a bit odd how Haruhi presents her reasoning here. In Mikuru's case she gets caught in a feedback loop... and in Kyon's case she also gets caught in a feedback loop... except in Kyon's case it's worth it to let off steam. It's obvious that the difference is because Kyon doesn't ever take it to heart, just the way Haruhi says it skips a step somewhere. Maybe add in the next sentence something like

"I always feel safe {speaking my mind in front of him / whathaveyou} because he never seems to hold much of a grudge or get too upset about anything - with one notable exception, but I've been through that already. "

and one I <i>definitely</i> want to take more time to explore,

<_< .... >_>

* Arakawa is furtively curious whether sarsaparilla has ever visited the same non-real-world location twice in a dream.

so more likely he'll be in someplace a lot more mundane.

Seems awkward. How about
"so most likely he'll be in someplace a lot more mundane" or
"so it's more likely he'll be someplace a lot more mundane".

Question for Hal: I'm not sure, do you find this sort of nitpicking useful? I keep reaching to tweak something almost every second paragraph, but then stop myself when I realize that Haruhi's narration style is just more conversational and informal; conversational language tends to vary a lot regionally; which would mean I don't even have a good grasp on what's natural in this style and what's awkward.

Anyhow, for now I'll just give suggestions for what strikes me as obviously odd.

_{Aside: the page-turning trick is believable enough that I actually want to try it someday.}

Rather than turning a page in a book, I decide to close the entire book itself so I can open a new one.

Later...
Haruhi (slaps forehead in irritation at herself): "Why didn't I think to just look up 'Kyon' in the index?"

(Interestingly, 'goddamn it, why didn't I do X??' is the primary thought I tend to have as an inexperienced dreamer on waking up from a lucid dream.)

And I sit bolt upright in bed,

You use this exact phrase twice in the chapter. I'd get rid of this usage, and keep the one after the Brigades dreams. That way it underscores the impact (since it only happens after a seriously shocking nightmare), whereas as written, using "bolt upright" just generically for when Haruhi wakes up feels like a cliche.

_{... which I used myself not five days ago in that RPG Drac is running. D'oh! The irony!}

although it's always hard to tell

Considering "although as always it's hard to tell". Not sure, though.

about every time I make up my mind to try something he seems to notice that I'm upset and asks me about it

It feels like there should be a comma in there: "... to try something, he seems to notice ...".

in a bit of a hurry for something,

Okay, this feels odd. Normally I'd expect "in a bit of a hurry to be somewhere".

Seems like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass,

Maybe "Feels like giving" or "It feels like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass"?

It's just that starting with "seems" makes me expect a sentence along the lines of "seems like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass would result in so-and-so".

to warn him to work on his assignment

Not sure about "warn". 'Pester' or 'remind' or similar? Maybe even 'remind him not to slack off on his assignment'?

The only thing I can think of where 'warn' would work to describe the situation is if she's thinking to make a stereotypical threat of punishing Kyon when he gets back unless her works hard on the assignment. (And thus she's warning him of the punishment.) Which, given the fact that having a shared dream isn't guaranteed (and isn't even in the assignment as Haruhi specified it to Kyon), and beyond that there isn't a clear definition of what sort of lucid dream experience would be 'successful' for Kyon to achieve in that period of time... essentially, if that phone call did happen it would be like she was threatening to punish Kyon for not living up to some undefined standard... which, yeah, there's a problem with that.

So, if you use 'warn' and the reader stops to think about it in this sort of detail (admittedly unlikely), it comes across that Haruhi is considering acting like a total jerk, but then decides not to. Which... feels a bit odd, and if so should be presented differently in any case.

Take advice with a spoonful of salt.

the butler doesn't seem to have been bothered in the slightest by my clothes just spontaneously changing during this whole process, so it's more evidence that this probably isn't the real one - I imagine he'd at least have said something while all that was going on.

<_< ... >_>

*envy*

Why can't my DC's be as polite and well behaved as Arakawa-san? O_o;;

If this was one of my dreams, he'd probably have come up with some frightening psychoanalytical deconstruction of the situation in that time interval!

(After reading the Brigades scenes, however, I am conversely glad I don't have Haruhi's dreams. I mean... at least the characters in my dreams don't push my buttons quite so efficiently.)

{/peanut gallery mode off}

The last warning I have that things are not going well is a blue glow from outside the clubroom, then the room explodes-

And I sit bolt upright in bed,

This is the second use of "bolt upright" in the chapter (the one I would agree is well-justified by the context).

(I remember I gave Brian grief about this in Chapter 2 as well. For some reason "sitting bolt upright in bed" is used as an image associated with waking up suddenly so often -- probably far more often than it happens in real life -- that outside of special circumstances like this really serious nightmare it comes across as a cliche, much like "waking up in a cold sweat". Even if some people actually genuinely wake up like that.

I guess it's just an easy-to-use symbolism in filmmaking. Where it also feels like a cliche.)

Even before I bother to wash my face, I get text messages sent to the rest of the Brigade to cancel the trip for today.

After seeing that Muphrid took issue with this, I would also throw out something like "I get text messages out to the rest of the Brigade" / "I get some text messages out to the rest of the Brigade".

Gyuh... and my battery is dying. By your leave, I'll finish the C&C later today. Just a small bit left in any case.

[Arakawa]

EDIT to the above: ... and I missed a bunch of TODOs! Gyuh! 7% battery remaining... fixed!

*runs to find a wall socket*

[Brian]

(I remember I gave Brian grief about this in Chapter 2 as well. For some reason "sitting bolt upright in bed" is used as an image associated with waking up suddenly so often -- probably far more often than it happens in real life -- that outside of special circumstances like this really serious nightmare it comes across as a cliche, much like "waking up in a cold sweat". Even if some people actually genuinely wake up like that.

I guess it's just an easy-to-use symbolism in filmmaking. Where it also feels like a cliche.)

I literally leap out of bed and wake up on my feet (prepared to try and defend myself) if someone unfamiliar comes into my room while I'm sleeping.  It's never happened before, but I expect if I had a nightmare that involved something I could punch (instead of the typical sanity/agency-devouring ... things I recall from the three nightmares I remember), I'd probably wake up from them the same way.

Then again -- I realize I'm a rarity here.  I recall a specific instance (about a decade ago) when I broke up with an ex-girlfriend but we had to awkwardly live together for a week; she got a little freaked out that I'd wake up like that when she came into the room.  And it happened every time, too....

Once when sleeping on a bunk-bed I got up so fast I smashed my head into the ceiling and knocked myself out because my roommate at the time walked in. -_-

...so, yeah, probably most people don't do that. :\

[Arakawa]

I literally leap out of bed and wake up on my feet (prepared to try and defend myself) if someone unfamiliar comes into my room while I'm sleeping.  It's never happened before, but I expect if I had a nightmare that involved something I could punch (instead of the typical sanity/agency-devouring ... things I recall from the three nightmares I remember), I'd probably wake up from them the same way.

*finds power plug*

Actually, that jogged my memory back to the rosy days of going through driver's ed, where our instructor (a former sleep-deprived trucker) regaled us with stories of how, for several years after quitting the trucking job, he would majorly freak out his wife up to several times a night by bolting upright and reaching for the non-existent steering wheel.

So yeah, anecdotal evidence indicates that even if a person doesn't innately tend to bolt awake, the behaviour could even be conditioned. And I could point out that I'd agree Haruhi, being generally energetic, comes across as more likely to leap upright when she wakes up than Kyon, who attempts to sleep through being bodily dragged out of bed by his sister.

[Arakawa]

Okay, and the rest of it.

Spoiler: ShowHide

and it might help to distract me out of some of the darker thoughts that have been running through my head today.

"distract me out of" seems odd. "distract me from" / "distract me away from"?

I put dinner together and retreat to my room to finish up.

Maybe consider "I put some dinner together" / "I throw some dinner together" / "I slap some dinner together"?

the fact that I'm in the ouendan coat and tank top seems to tell the story, although with the gloves on my usual reality check doesn't work - simply taking one off for a moment solves that problem though.

Aside: my most frequent lucid dreaming annoyance is that the first thing I want to do is struggle to adjust my 'look' in a similar fashion. However, frequently the dream is over by the time I finish doing it.

*sigh* I should learn to stop doing that until my dreams get longer.

reversing his personal gravity,

* Arakawa vainly resists making a 'reverse the polarity' joke.

Anyhow, not much I can find wrong with the remaining portion of the fic. In general, this is turning out to be a thought provoking fic. Enjoyed: Haruhi/Yuki interaction, the general mechanics of the dreaming. (In general, the divergences from my own experience are justified since they fit Haruhi's personality.) The Brigades bit was a fairly strong gutpunch, for what it's worth.

[Halbarad]

First set of comments for Arakawa.

Hinamizawa Dam was completed in 1981, following several years of protests by local residents concerned about the destruction of their homes by the lake that would be formed to power the hydroelectric dam. The initial construction project was halted in 1979, following the death of the project foreman and the disappearance of one of the men allegedly involved with his murder. Some residents associated the deaths with the local legends of the demon god Oyashiro, which intensified the protests.

Perhaps just "associated the deaths with local legends of the demon god Oyashiro". (No "the"?)

Don't really see a need to change this; it doesn't really add or take away from the clarity of the statement.

Following the deaths, the dam design was complemented with a series of levees intended to prevent the dam's waters from submerging most of the villages that would have been destroyed by the original design. With these modifications in place, the protests from the villagers were mostly silenced, and the construction of the dam was resumed.

"most of the villages"..."mostly silenced" repetition. Alternatives:

Also, might consider "would have been destroyed with the original design".

Changed 'mostly' to 'largely'.

the closest major city looks like it's Aomori, and just the train trip out <i>that</i> far is something like six hours at least.

"looks like" is awkward. "seems to be Aomori"?

Inclined to hang onto this; it's more colloquial as written, if not quite as concise or technically accurate, and I'd like to keep that tone.

a demon god that punishes sins by killing the villagers, and an old human sacrifice ritual that they still perform (in a way) today?

"(in a way)" could stand to be clarified since Haruhi, the narrator, is reading about it for the first time. (Not familiar with Higurashi -- I assume it's a symbolic sacrifice nowadays?)

I don't really want to bog down in a long description of the Watanagashi ritual; the chapter is already too long, and it's not going to have any real significance in this story as it stands.

he's sure to know more about those legends than just the simple stuff I was able to find online.

Suggest rephrasing "simple stuff".... somehow. Not sure.

The only thing I could really see replacing it with is 'basic stuff', which is essentially no different. =\

I haven't exactly been trying to pace myself, and she doesn't really look all that athletic so she might not have been able to keep up

I seem to remember Yuki running ridiculously fast in a relay race at the beginning of Novel 2 with Haruhi present, which would seem to contradict this.. unless you want to argue that Haruhi has forgotten about it.

Brian mentioned this as well; my inclination was that if it was minor enough that *I* didn't remember it off the top of my head, it's about as likely that Haruhi would have forgotten too. It's not like Yuki's made a regular practice of showing physical abilities beyond her appearance.

"There are ten gates remaining," Yuki replies, barely on the edge of my hearing - which startles me a bit, I wasn't expecting an answer at all. "Only 21 of the original 84 gates remain."

Bit stilted and confusing, since (I assume?) the first 'remain' refers to how many gates they have to go through before the castle, and the second refers to how many of the gates are still standing since the castle was constructed. Yuki is at least precise with her language, so you might want to vary one of the 'remains' and change it to something else.

"There are ten gates left to pass before reaching the keep," Yuki replies, barely on the edge of my hearing - which startles me a bit, I wasn't expecting an answer at all. "Only 21 of the castle's original 84 gates remain."

I don't get an answer though; Yuki just stares back at me with that same non-expression she usually wears. Whatever, it's probably not that important. We're wasting time though -

Repetition "don't get an answer though"...."wasting time though"

A lot of this was corrected as a result of Muphrid's observation.

Guess she was paying more attention when we parted ways - although if she hadn't we'd just be wandering blindly anyway.

I assume this means that if Yuki hadn't paid attention, Haruhi should still follow her since they'll be wandering blind whether she follows her or not?

No, Haruhi would be taking the lead in that case, and she knows she'd be only guessing at where to go.

the path leading over towards the outbuildings winds back and forth almost as much as the trip up to the keep proper, although there are no gates here, just a stone-walled path that winds back and forth, with what look like arrow-slits in all kinds of geometric shapes.

Very obvious repetition of "winds back and forth". Maybe the first phrase could be replaced by something like "the path leading over towards the outbuildings is nearly as convoluted as the way up to the keep proper".

Just removed the second one. It's not actually needed at all.

With as twisty and confusing as the paths are that I've seen here, we could probably wander around all day trying to find each other and never meet.

Awkward. Maybe something like "As twisty and confusing as the paths that I've seen here are" / "With the paths that I've seen here as twisty as confusing as they are"...

Just cut down in general. "With as twisty and confusing as these paths are, ..."

(regarding Mikuru) The problem with it is that seeing that actually makes me <i>feel</i> like some terrible ogre, and gets me even more angry. Not a good feedback loop to get caught in.

(regarding Kyon) In <i>his</i> case, at least, he pushes back when I carp at him - which usually leads to me yelling at him even more - but after all's said and done, I feel better for having gotten all of it out. He's never seemed to hold much of a grudge or gotten too upset about anything - with one notable exception, but I've been through that already.

It's a bit odd how Haruhi presents her reasoning here. In Mikuru's case she gets caught in a feedback loop... and in Kyon's case she also gets caught in a feedback loop... except in Kyon's case it's worth it to let off steam. It's obvious that the difference is because Kyon doesn't ever take it to heart, just the way Haruhi says it skips a step somewhere. Maybe add in the next sentence something like

"I always feel safe {speaking my mind in front of him / whathaveyou} because he never seems to hold much of a grudge or get too upset about anything - with one notable exception, but I've been through that already. "

The difference is that what she's describing with Kyon is not a feedback loop. Specifically, that refers to a situation where the output of the system affects the input, and implies some form of infinite recursion - you tend not to break out of one without specific effort. With Kyon she explicitly states that it has a definite breakpoint, at which point she feels better.

Question for Hal: I'm not sure, do you find this sort of nitpicking useful? I keep reaching to tweak something almost every second paragraph, but then stop myself when I realize that Haruhi's narration style is just more conversational and informal; conversational language tends to vary a lot regionally; which would mean I don't even have a good grasp on what's natural in this style and what's awkward.

If I'm speaking bluntly, a lot of the awkward wording comments tend to strike me as hitting points that don't need to be changed. What I'm looking for (ideally) are things that are blatantly wrong or are confusing enough not to make any sense - in those cases, I need to make a correction. If it makes sense but simply looks awkward, that's not as much of a concern, since that's likely just a stylistic difference.

Anyhow, for now I'll just give suggestions for what strikes me as obviously odd.

although it's always hard to tell

Considering "although as always it's hard to tell". Not sure, though.

about every time I make up my mind to try something he seems to notice that I'm upset and asks me about it

It feels like there should be a comma in there: "... to try something, he seems to notice ...".

in a bit of a hurry for something,

Okay, this feels odd. Normally I'd expect "in a bit of a hurry to be somewhere".

Seems like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass,

Maybe "Feels like giving" or "It feels like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass"?

It's just that starting with "seems" makes me expect a sentence along the lines of "seems like giving the rest of the Brigade a pass would result in so-and-so".

to warn him to work on his assignment

Not sure about "warn". 'Pester' or 'remind' or similar? Maybe even 'remind him not to slack off on his assignment'?

Pretty much all of these strike me as stylistic differences; I don't really see much issue with most of this phrasing myself. In particular, she uses 'warn' because she -would- hit Kyon with a stiff penalty if he slacked off on his assignment. That's not even her considering being a jerk; she gave him an assignment, he accepted it, and if he's not going to do it, he deserves a penalty.

[Halbarad]

and it might help to distract me out of some of the darker thoughts that have been running through my head today.

"distract me out of" seems odd. "distract me from" / "distract me away from"?

This one I'll use, the other two I'm chalking up to stylistic differences as well.

[Arakawa]

Okay. Stylistic differences basically describes it -- I don't really have a good grasp of the easygoing conversational style you're using for Haruhi. (Although I sort of wish I did...) What I posted is in fact about one half of all the things I was tempted to point out, but I'm certain the feedback I omitted would be even less interesting to you.

Hopefully, knowing what you found useful, the next time I C&C I'll be able to produce a better signal to noise ratio.

[Halbarad]

Well.

This was originally going to be chapter 4, but when we got to the end and saw 100k+ of text in the rearview mirror, we decided that perhaps releasing two chapters might be a better idea. Enjoy, and we'll look forward to the C&C. =3

[thepanda]

...actually, a chance to get out of the house for a bit would be nice-- And this time it'd be with my uncle instead of to chop wood for Aunt Rena. "Sure thing," I agree, nodding.

Sounds awkward. Maye replace 'to chop' with 'chopping'.

and I don't need to spend the rest of the afternoon at her irritated for doing either one.

Should that be 'irritated at her'? Also, you use use irritated again in the next sentence. Maybe change the second to annoyed.

The whole Haruhi-Mikuru shopping scene

All I could hear was This.

Thinking that, as I trudge toward the table where my cousins are mostly done eating.

Oddly incomplete thought. Either drop the 'as' or fold it into the next sentence.

[Brian]

...actually, a chance to get out of the house for a bit would be nice-- And this time it'd be with my uncle instead of to chop wood for Aunt Rena. "Sure thing," I agree, nodding.

Sounds awkward. Maye replace 'to chop' with 'chopping'.

Something about that feels off to me.  Will re-word instead:

And this time it'd be spending time with my uncle instead of doing more menial labor for my aunts.

Thinking that, as I trudge toward the table where my cousins are mostly done eating.

Oddly incomplete thought. Either drop the 'as' or fold it into the next sentence.

Huh.  Can't remember what happened here.

Yeah, drop the as.

Thanks for the comments, Panda. :)

[thepanda]

Chapter 5

I square off with him, settling the shield on my arm; the nice thing about this being a dream is that all this armor doesn't actually wear more than a regular set of clothes would - I expect this kind of getup in the real world would weigh a ton!

actually weigh more

And that's about all I see for my quick sweep. I loved the dream in chapter five. Was that the Chimeric Lunar Sea? And the chariot chase-- my imagination keeps seeing it with Ben-Hur spliced in-between. And then the computer club president falls with a Wilhelm scream.

[Halbarad]

Thanks for the catches. Reworded:

Should that be 'irritated at her'? Also, you use use irritated again in the next sentence. Maybe change the second to annoyed.

Used annoyed the first time, and fixed the word order.

the nice thing about this being a dream is that all this armor isn't any heavier than a regular set of clothes - I expect this kind of getup in the real world would weigh a ton!

Straight correction would get a short repetition of 'weigh'.

And glad you liked the dream! I didn't really have anything specific in mind when setting up the dreamscape for this one; just stuff that Haruhi would find fun/weird/appropriately epic as needed.