[Naruto] Shinigan

[Dracos]

Glancing over chapter 1.   I should put in quotes, but I didn't when I started so...  no quotes.  Just comments as I read down through.

I'm glad the Council isn't faceless.  I'll note just one more time that the council in canon is two old biddies that were Sarutobi's old team-mates and Danzo if anything and otherwise didn't exist.  Almost all ninja villages are dictatorships, with occasional hints that they might be part of bigger kingdom's with Daimyo's ruling them.  Still, it is fanfiction and one can take whatever tack they want as long as they flesh it out.  You're doing that.  Good.  I'm gonna quibble with some of the design, because it falls into a usual trap, but props for doing considerably more effort here than usual.  Your set up is two councils, equal power with Hokage being the deciding factor.  Fine, that's a very reasonable standing.  For the ninja one though, basically you've made all of the Rookie Nine's parents the council members.  A not uncommon choice when they're fleshed out, but I'd recommend against because basically it makes the village feel unreal.  Really, Naruto (the hated) just happens to be in the same class with every ninja leader's kid/heir?  It's usually a good idea when you go the flesh out route to separate out a few and throw a few extras in.  Hyuuga always makes sense for the scale of their group.  So does Shikaku because he's the High Jonin, and officially in charge of all the rest of them that are being put on the council.  Beyond that?  None of the rest of them make a strong connection.  Canon does this kind of 'named characters are all the important people' stuff a bit, particularly during the after timeskip section, but it weakens the feel. 

For the Civilians, taking a bit of time to give them names and roles, even if not important beyond that one scene, will strengthen it.  Effectively, the scene as is covers two points: 1)Naruto is being an aggressive pranker (canon definitely) and primarily targeting civilian targets and is not caught for it (strange, but alright).  2)Nameless dude calls for Naruto's death.  It's actually put to a vote (What?  Seriously, that was ridiculous), and then veto'd.  Effectively, this falls into the trap of "Nameless Mob Rule desires Naruto's Death".  It lacks context for one, but making the 'Face' character a faceless/nameless civilian just saps away the reality of the whole thing.  Yes, its clear the scene has many sullen individuals wanting revenge for being pranked, but basically if the scene you wrote was to be drawn, it'd be a bunch of blank faced folks going "Kill the brat".  I perhaps am not saying well what is wrong with that, but I hope I am at least touching on why that makes for a scene that just isn't that interesting.

Gonna comment on ol' man hyuuga for a moment.  Canonically, I'm not sure that he's ever given much screen time and primarily interacts with Hinata more than Naruto, but my memory is not good there at the moment.  He's a proud clan head who looks down on Hinata, but that's basically all that's really given.  In the anime he gets a few more scenes on the battlefield mainly.  Many folks in fanfic use him as a convenient early antagonist or villain.  Some use him as simply a manipulative and protective obstacle and some still use him just generally as a good guy who wants the best for konoha and his clan.  Any of these are viable given the lack of characterization and many more, but it's important to have a clear grasp on what it is.  What I took from his opening scene is that he's showing both the Heel Clan Head who opposes Naruto always and Not.  Mainly from the Hokage's reaction to him not being so.  I'm not sure from the opener that there is a clear pick on motivation being taken here, and that'll end up making him a crummy character.

It's kind of a pity, for all that the council scene is pretty long, it doesn't really develop any of the council members as people.  There's a short grasp of personality, but it seems kind of a loss really, that much like prologue, almost all of them go without description.

Good naming the guard.  And showing the strength of doing so in that naming let him be used meaningfully in a future scene without awkwardness.

Fuinjutsu traps?  Really?  For FLOUR BOMBS?  That caught my eye as just unnecessary/weird.  Yes, it's easily explained (Hey Fuinjutsu is used in smoke and explosive tags, so look, I learned those and then modified it to store flower and explode with that.  I'm clever!), but it comes off like using a rocket to open a door.  I suppose this is a quibble more than a meaningful problem, but it paints the feel of sealing stuff in this story as a hammer plot device.  As you were saying (rightly), it's not good to bludgeon constantly with one new skill, but that's exactly what this does.  In canon, Naruto pulls off these pranks all the time without fuinjutsu being involved.  Here for some reason, he needs to use his new toy to do it.

Kinda a strange split with the testing.  I thought the testing was the academy three.  Bunshin no Jutsu, Henge no Jutsu, and the replacement technique.  But been a while.  Could be wrong.  I see it's there for a Hokage scene to get more mentorship time in, but the splitting feels weird.  I see that's also the reason for the Fuinjutsu, so that the Hokage can discuss his development, but the whole thing comes off as a little unreal.  I'm not sure how to put my finger on it in a clear and usefully general way.  It's partly so because Naruto is using a higher tier'd power set to accomplish what he did originally without it, and it's being taken notice of in a strange way.  It's partly so because you're having Naruto speak and act somewhat maturely in the scene while explaining his childish antics.  And partially because it doesn't quite feel like there's a coherent mentorship direction being given.  It is a mentorship scene clearly with the Hokage catching Naruto for doing bad things, remarking on his development, and punishing him for his misdeeds, but there's no depth or insight to it.  The lesson is basically just what it ends with "If you break the laws, you'll be punished".  This feels almost ridiculous in light of the fact that they were just voting over killing him earlier, whether he knows it or not.  What I mean by depth of the scene here is really that the Hokage isn't promoting any better way of dealing with the issues facing Naruto, or encouraging any understanding of them.  We're not even getting much of a view into why Naruto is pranking this way.  The end result is the current Naruto comes off both as Not Childish and as Not Mature or Insightful.  It's a strange place for him given his actions.

"Never practiced at all"?  It's a fic.  You can take it wherever you want.  But I raise my eyebrows high to taking this angle at it.  It also makes for a very weird (looks ahead) actually extremely weird setup for the Kage Bunshin Jutsu later.  While I don't think they say it in canon, a common interpretation is that simply Naruto has too much Chakra which makes the low level or controlled skills much more difficult for him.  Pretty sure they don't declare that in canon though so hey.  I'm hitting on it hard, but canon's not what's important, but that your fic plausibly leads together.  Naruto going from no practice->I Fail Utterly on Bunshin -> I mastered Kage Bunshin in an hour later that same day is a very strange line of events.  It's even weirder in light that he's doing Fuinjutsu this early, which is usually presented as a far more difficult craft and one that I'd expect would be a relevant changer for Iruka's attitude on his field worthiness.

Well, I'm glad that you reflect that Naruto already knows.  I'd still say the mizuki scene goes far too rehash style and at the same time far too removed.  It's a good return reveal of the eyes, but the narration is too distant from what's going on.  And Naruto's dialogue is kinda strange (Calling himself a demon?  In Konoha?  Self-awareness failure).

It's nice to see that they're finally sort of acting like warriors and looking into how to weaponize Naruto's talent.  It was strange the first time that they didn't, but this time at least they're looking into it.  Good.  I hope there's some plan on doing so there, because again, it seems like it would be a waste and dangerous not to.

Anyhow, mmm.  Through the end of chapter one this is kind of middling.  I suppose a strong effort for a first fic, but also again, something I wouldn't be continuing to read without intending to comment on it.  The reason for this really is the lack of play with your hook combined with a general lack of depth of the characters and a general start rehashing canon scenes for the most part.  It's undoubtedly late for rewriting, but hopefully this can help for your next pass around.

[alethiophile]

Yeah, at the point where I started this I...kind of wasn't thinking about much, and also wasn't feeling self-confident enough to do something other than the whole canon fails test -> steals scroll -> Kage Bunshin -> Mizuki fight route. And yeah, I had some fridge moments myself regarding the composition of the council; if/when it shows up again, I plan to retcon a bit there and make it less like a committee of named characters.

I've posted Chapter 15 on FFnet, so it's now considered final. Comments on it are still welcome as much as on any past chapter, but no more edits happening there. (I would have waited, but again, this has already been the longest wait I've ever had on this fic and I didn't feel like postponing it much further.)

[Dracos]

That's totally fair.  First fic and all.  Do you want me to keep going through your old chapters?  Odds are if you're this far along in this one, all it will really help with is style weaknesses there rather than plot and structure, but it could be helpful for future fics.

[alethiophile]

The commentary on old chapters is quite useful. I tend to be rather easily entertained by writing, and as a consequence I'm absolutely wretched at C&C on a higher level than grammar and canon facts; knowing how my writing strikes someone with higher standards is really good. I regret to say that for some time I was allowing myself to become complacent about the fact that the majority of Naruto writers (heck, the majority of writers) on FF.net are Sturgeon fodder, and that most all the feedback I received there was either inconsequential or basically gushing. Actual substantive criticism, whether or not it can help upcoming work, is very worthwhile.