[Haruhi][Rewrite] Downfall

[Brian]

Our narrator (there isn't a good hint to who she is until "even though my presence meant ... everyone else could [make a mistake]) is in some kind of control center, overseeing...something.

Decided not to risk trying to be accurate in favor of being vague.  I know you'd catch that I got it wrong, at the very least. :p

It really felt almost exactly like watching the control center at NASA in one of those movies, except instead of windows, there was a bank of enormous monitors.  I could read the graphs a little bit, and had a fair understanding of what it all meant, but I didn't really get all the details yet.  I would, even though I didn't really need to.  I just hadn't yet, since I'd been so busy training....

I'm confused by "windows"--as many times as I've watched Apollo 13, I don't recall windows in Mission Control there, but you may be drawing on some other source that's more accurate to something modern?

You know, I don't recall windows in Apollo 13, either, but Haruhi's not drawing on accurate sci-fi for her sources, and I do recall a set (that's probably been re-used in multiple films now that I think about it -- probably why the image is ingrained in my mind) that actually has a clear view of the shuttle launch pad itself.  Yes, again, unrealistic, but Haruhi's recalling from movies she's watched, and I would put her as more into even slight sci-fi over documentaries, almost any day of the week (unless they're documentaries of the supernatural).

And after googling for such an image, I find a lot of references that confirm mission control lacks windows, and nothing even close to my 'memory.'  I wonder what I'm actually thinking....  Dang.

With Itsuki's help, I was ... still upset, but they deserved better than that.  It was too far, but ... things would go horribly wrong if I tried to undo it at that point.

What was too far?  If anything, I'd think what she should emphasize is that, while she could go back and change the event, she couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be other, more damaging consequences.  At least, if I remember Koizumi's argument correctly.

Hmm.

I wouldn't let it happen again.

     With Itsuki's help, I was ... still upset, but they deserved better than that.  It was too far, but ... things would go horribly wrong if I tried to undo it.  I could have tried, but what about the consequences?  Who knew how that could strain causality?  And Itsuki would have known -- he'd gotten assistance from genuine time travelers in the past ... something about 'predetermination,' and the future recording that I wasn't successful.

     That was encouragement enough not to try, and end up with....

     It wasn't something I wanted to think about.

     So that was a very painful lesson about being careful ... about how destructive my powers can be, if used carelessly.  I can't wander through time, no matter how much I might want to.  If I go into the past without understanding things, I could cause serious damage.  If I go to the future, my present becomes the past, and I can't safely come back.

There we go.

I shouldn't tamper with my own mind.  If I were to make a mistake, who then could fix it?  I shouldn't tamper with things that are delicate, or that no one at all understands yet -- like time travel.  I shouldn't make things that can behave unpredictably or dangerously without my supervision.

"who then" seems all right, but maybe "who else" instead?

Alright.  I need to revise slightly and expand on Koizumi's knowledge of time travel anyway.

I shouldn't tamper with my own mind.  If I were to make a mistake, then who else could fix it?  I shouldn't tamper with things that are delicate, or that no one at all understands yet -- like time travel.  Itsuki understood a little, but even having _done_ it, he'd warned me it was difficult for him to understand much of at all -- beyond predetermination, anyway.  I shouldn't make things that can behave unpredictably or dangerously without my supervision.

I suggest "had happened"?

Oop.  Right.

I think I probably commented on this the first time.  A black hole of any terrestrial size would evaporate and disappear well before it could do any damage.  At least, that's the theory.  I can appreciate the idea that, with a reality warper at one's disposal, no one sees the need to rely solely on theory to protect them.  If they happen to be wrong and a black hole doesn't evaporate fast enough to prevent catastrophe, it would look a bit silly.

Based on my understanding, I agree.  Reading between the lines, it's kind of trying to imply that Koizumi set this up so she could be part of something really big -- and it doesn't actually cost them anything to have a reality warper on hand, so why not?  It's also, you know ... PR. >_>;

Haruhi and Koizumi have an apartment together.  Haruhi goes to Hayate's house.  Haruhi remarks on how tutoring allows her to keep feeling normal--it's a remarkable point that she wants to feel normal, one that isn't explored at that exact moment.  Perhaps that's later?

In the extended epilogue, yeah.

"shifted it" -> "shifted them" or some other plural for agreement.

Oops!

I didn't take money anymore, though; money was pretty meaningless to me by that point.  I would have liked to have kept going to school, myself, but there wasn't much point.  As Itsuki said, I really needed to focus on my powers more than anything else.

Point and point, though used in different senses.  That might make it all right.

No, the first instance could be tense troubling, so I should revise that anyway.  Oh, and another instance of 'point' just one paragraph up.  I'll cut that out.

Haruhi doesn't bother with school, preferring something more free form.  This also means she's isolated from peers, which would strengthen Koizumi's hold over her, wouldn't it?

No....  She doesn't prefer something more free form -- she'd rather go to school again.  But the rest, yeah, according to some plan or another.

"Ah?" he started, blinking.  He recognized me and gave me the friendly smile that told me he hadn't learned to be afraid of what everyone knew I could do -- like his parents had.  He was one of those rare people who saw me for me.  Like--

Like Koizumi?  No, like Kyon.  Her guilt and positive view of him leak through despite what ideas about him Koizumi's poisoned her mind with.

So, that worked. :D

Well ... he might say such words, but I don't recall that he would ever use so much venom.  I knew, of course, from what Hayate had said, but I felt somehow the question needed to be asked.

Would this be better with "I knew why"?

Wouldn't hurt, you're right.

Haruhi is hesitant, yes, but there are a lot of ellipses here, and in the piece in general.  While I'm not saying this is what you should do (because while I notice there are a lot of ellipses, they don't particularly bother me), you could do something like this:

"People ... aren't toys, Nonoko.  That was an accident," I told her gravely.  "If you think I'm like that -- that I would intentionally do such a thing....  But even then, even if he deserved better...."  I trailed off, and had to use Itsuki's words, when my own failed me:  "He was plotting behind my back, you know.  Itsuki told me that -- he once suggested that I was dangerous, and should be killed."

No, I tend to abuse my punctuation in the name of stylism.  Those are good changes.

Again, I think it's very good, very telling that Haruhi can't express the belief that Kyon betrayed her in her own words and has to paraphrase Koizumi's flat and factual explanation.  She accepts that Koizumi thinks this way and has taken it as fact even without feeling convinced of it on the inside, or that's how I read it.

That's what I was going for.

I just--  I never would have done a thing if he hadn't tried to move against me first!  But....  What had I really hoped for, confronting her like that?  Why would she insist that it wasn't true?

Is it "why would" or "why wouldn't"?

Why would, as far as I can tell.

In truth, I find the end of this scene a bit empty.  Haruhi understands that she must win this argument with words, not force.  She wants Nonoko's forgiveness, and confronting the girl with the truth is logical.  If Nonoko can accept that Kyon did plot against Haruhi, then they can come to understanding.

But then, suddenly, Haruhi considers the possibility that Koizumi was wrong.  The switch in thinking goes like this:

This was a fight I needed to win with words, not force.  But the truth....  The truth of it....

How long had I been trying to avoid thinking about this?  How long had I just accepted what I was told, because it was easier than facing....

I feel like there's a vital component missing to Haruhi's thought process.  It might be that I misinterpreted the "would she insist" part above, that Haruhi is genuinely surprised by Nonoko's unwavering belief in Kyon--but if so, it makes her estimation of Nonoko a lot more nuanced.  What did Haruhi expect?  That Kyon's sister was angry with her despite knowing how Kyon tried to betray her?  And is there good reason to tell Nonoko about that betrayal at all at that point?

If I haven't misunderstood, then what it seems to me is that something about Nonoko says needs to strike a chord with Haruhi.  Again, Nonoko's absolute, unwavering belief in Kyon is the key.  Haruhi could convince herself that she used to feel the same way, which is why it's so difficult to argue because when she does, she has to use Koizumi's words.  On an intellectual level, she can believe Kyon betrayed her, but not on an emotional one.  I think this is what you intended to do; it just doesn't hit me because Haruhi changes her mind so fast, in my opinion.  Personally, I can see Haruhi recalling how Koizumi dropped the ball on her and how she vehemently rejected it, only to accept it later because she couldn't stand the possibility she'd erased Kyon, Asahina, and Nagato for no reason at all.  Nonoko's certainty here could remind Haruhi of her own back then.

There's another way to go about it instead, where Haruhi feels that doubt and then dismisses it, choosing instead to prove Nonoko wrong by seeing what happened for herself to give her argument all the more surety, but again, I don't think this is what you intended.

And, it could be this is all fine, and I'm just making too much of a small thing, so don't worry about it too much if what I say there doesn't resonate.

Hmmm....  What Haruhi wants is (and she knows it's not going to happen, deep down), to be forgiven.  By Kyon, Yuki, and Mikuru, really -- since that's not an option, Nonoko makes the best surrogate possible.

I think the note about Nonoko's belief in Kyon is probably the best one to play up -- it does go back to the 'bond of trust' that even Koizumi aknowledged.  Let's see what I can do about that.

This was a fight I needed to win with words, not force.  But her trust for Kyon....  That unshakable bond....

     Before everything had fallen apart, _I_ trusted Kyon like that.  Hadn't that been one of the very things that let us get close enough that she had called me a sister?  What had happened to that bond?  Well, Itsuki--

     I couldn't just explain _that_ to her; the truth of 'John Smith' would have meant nothing to her.  If I wanted to convince her, I had to find _real_ proof.  I needed to confront Kyon's past betrayal head-on and see it for what it really was, not just try to avoid thinking about it.  Only then could I find the evidence I needed.

     By then, I had been pushed too far.  I couldn't ... handle her presence any more -- not without having that confirmation, something to hold up against her own unwavering trust.  I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, and I couldn't give in to the temptation to use my power to just change the past from where I was -- to make the problem go away.

     Instead ... I broke in another direction.

     I'm sorry, Itsuki.

     I had to go back and look -- to find the truth.

I let the scene play forward again, intangible.  Yuki herself walked right through me without reacting.

This briefly gives the impression the scene was intangible, but only briefly.

Huh.  Will drop the 'intangable' word.

...nope, it just slipped through my fingers.

Changed ', intangible' to 'without interfering'.

Interesting that even back then, Haruhi realized she had been in the wrong.

It is one of the most key moments of character growth....

But that image of him ... that was more like the Kyon I remembered.  He looked more haggard, angry at his situation, and upset about Itsuki pressuring him.  And why wouldn't he?

Perhaps "why wouldn't he be"?

This one, I think I'll leave.

I didn't know what to feel -- after encountering Nonoko, then going back and making myself look at this....  I wanted someone to tell me that it was okay; to hold me and give me what I needed to somehow feel better -- to have everything somehow be okay.  I couldn't run back to Itsuki, though -- not yet.  No matter what I wanted ... I needed to find the truth.

Not sure what to do about this repetition.

It's actually foreshadowing, and a hint that Haruhi's power is escaping her control due to emotionality -- considering what happens next....

I didn't immediately recognize the woman in the room, staring at the costume rack with a sweet smile -- frozen, like all time was for the moment.  She was dressed well enough, and looked like a very attractive young teacher.  Something about her seemed familiar, and I studied the unknown for a while before resuming time.  She would introduce herself to Kyon, wouldn't she?

I feel like this might be more natural if it were "unknown person"?

Alright.

"I swear to you," Mikuru said, her voice surprisingly gentle, sorrowfully sympathetic.  "Suzumiya-san ... never have I done anything to act against you or Kyon -- everything I've ever done was to preserve the stability of the time-planes.  Truthfully, I can't act here, in these times ... physically, I can't have any effect.  Only through information can I provide any impact ... that's simply a limitation of classified--"

Kyon-kun?

Ah....  Hm.  I think I'll leave it out here.  The contrast works, since Mikuru (at that point) believes he's gone.

Something about this scene too seems incomplete; Haruhi doesn't press Asahina about how she survived.  I'm not sure if, were I in her position, I would believe her--that Kyon and Nagato couldn't be saved--without knowing that detail.  But, perhaps it's largely irrelevant.

Haruhi's not exactly on the top of her game; the subtext is she's looking for someone she can trust, and Mikuru, a supposed 'traitor' is higher on the list than Koizumi.  The key point is Haruhi wishing Mikuru could somehow fix things.

I could probably work in a relatively minor revision to expand on this slightly if it's needed.

She paused for a moment, while he could still open one eye, the other already squinted shut against the pain, looking at him with an empty, regretful expression.  It was hard for him to think straight, and he was sinking to the ground -- staying upright was too hard.  There was smoke, faintly, the scent of--

I think the modifies get a bet jumbled here in the first sentence.  Until we get to him it feels like Koizumi is looking, especially with the focus on Koizumi's eyes.  Perhaps, instead of "looking", try "and looked".

She paused for a moment, while he could still open one eye and look at her.  The other was already squinted shut against the pain, but he was able to see her empty, regretful expression.  It was hard for him to think straight, and he was sinking to the ground -- staying upright was too hard.  There was smoke, faintly, the scent of--

I wonder why you chose to go back to third-person here.  It seems to me that this scene could be done from Haruhi's perspective, with her scornfully realizing how pathetic his excuses are.  Then again, I know that would be very, very intense.

But the main reason to use Koizumi's PoV was to underscore his 'ends justify the means'/'for the greater good' approach.  Also, it's hard enough to see Haruhi, even this frayed and upset, being pushed enough to do what she did; I don't ... know if I could get into her PoV when she's doing something like that.  So, yeah, 'intense'?

understatement

Whew.  Thanks for the comments, Muphrid.  I think you helped me strengthen quite a few weak points, and let me know that a lot of the core I wanted to get across ... did get across.  Thanks again!

[Grahf]

Sorry, a little off topic, but

Hal and I need to have that character study discussion to expand on that.

If you do this in the chatroom could I maybe be able to sit in? I don't have mirc, but I think mibbit should do the job nicely as well (I've actually been meaning to get on for a while now, but work hours are probably counter to that idea). Er, anyways, the thought of something like this is keenly interesting to me, so barring being able to sit in perhaps a transcript posted to the forums?

[Brian]

Right. It would seem that in my attempts to befriend people by being helpful, I have managed to display myself as annoying and snarky.  I sincerely apologize.

Sorry -- I get irked easily.  Don't take it too personally; just think of it as a lesson learned.

You live, you learn ... that's life.

Yeah...
Don't use sarcasm. Got it. For some reason that seemed more like lightly witty in my head, but looking back...
I'm sorry. This REALLY wasn't my intention.

That was more being caustic than sarcastic, both of which are elements of snark.

Right now I'm just wondering how I can redeem myself. I see how far out of line my tone was, and I'll try not to do it again in the future.

Again, don't worry about it too much; these things happen.  ...really, it seems annoying me has practically become a rite-of-passage to join the forums.

Anyway -- I do have a rage disorder which doesn't help things.  Let's put that behind us and both attempt to be more constructive moving forward.

Sorry, a little off topic, but

Hal and I need to have that character study discussion to expand on that.

If you do this in the chatroom could I maybe be able to sit in? I don't have mirc, but I think mibbit should do the job nicely as well (I've actually been meaning to get on for a while now, but work hours are probably counter to that idea). Er, anyways, the thought of something like this is keenly interesting to me, so barring being able to sit in perhaps a transcript posted to the forums?

Oh, no worries on that count.  While you're welcome in IRC any time anyway (moar links to Asakura pictures!  Yay!), we've kind of had that conversation so many times that Hal just started working on a document, which I'll contribute to shortly.  Absolutely, it's going to be posted to the boards.

It was actually spawned by a discussion with Hal when he came up to visit, and we were hanging out with Dracos and explaining the lack of genuine details for Koizumi to work with....  Well, that was probably mentioned elsewhere, too. :p

[Halbarad]

Wild Act III C&C appears!

Spoiler: ShowHide

your brother wouldn't want you to keep dwelling like this

I'd suggest dwelling on this, myself.

save for the presense of Suou Kuyou

Presence.

"Kuyou?" Sasaki asked, frowning.

A common theme, but first-name basis for Kuyou? Sasaki's notably formal in general, so I'd be expecting a Suou-san.

signal to noise ratio approached infinity

Signal-to-noise.

Interaction with the intended target

Nitpicking technobabble is always fun. I'd suggest the initial target, rather than the intended one.

you want Nonoko to be an ambassador to your kind, because her brother is gone?

Not sure this is a valid logical leap, even for Sasaki. That Kuyou wants to communicate with Nonoko, sure, but immediately connecting that to Kyon being gone seems a bit of a stretch.

I was in a small, unused-looking cove, with no piers, just a long beach.

Comma after cove is unnecessary.

Distantly, but coming more loudly, as I was trying to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some small stringed instrument.

The phrase order in this is somewhat awkward. Suggestion:

As I was trying to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some small stringed instrument - distant, but growing louder by the moment.

as a voice ... _that_ voice ... sang....

Lots of ellipses; in this case, I'd just turn the last one into a period.

Sitting in the sea like an idiot in some strange afterlife, I couldn't think that his voice would sell a lot of music.

Another kind of awkward sentence. Suggestion:

Even in an afterlife as strange as this one, I was too stunned to think of anything - except that his voice would never sell a lot of music.

before hitting the wrong cord again

Chord.

more muscled than when I had known him

Minor point, but this implies some extra distance between the two of them. You might want to consider 'when I had last seen him' instead - although I can see this choice being intentional.

I was in a clean bed, in a room with that, a small writing desk, and a dresser.

Somewhat awkward; suggestion:

I was in a clean bed, while the rest of the room was home to/contained/was occupied by a small writing desk and a dresser.

I guess it's a guy's room?

Seems a bit non-sequitur; is there something about the furnishings that lead her to that? (i.e., the room is so plain and undecorated in general, etc.)

There was the smell of pancakes, almost instantly, and the subdued sounds of someone working in a kitchen, murmuring in indistinct conversation with someone else.

More slightly awkward phrase order. Suggestion:

Almost immediately I was met with the smell of pancakes, accompanied by the subdued sounds...

Actually, this paragraph as a whole is a bit choppy, so more suggestions:

I was at one end of a hall on the upper story of a house, the stairs to one side, and doors lining the other wall, through which I glimpsed two other bedrooms. One was lined with bookshelves which had in turn been crammed to nearly overflowing with books, while the other was decorated with a few pictures and far fewer bookshelves -- I really only peeked into it for a moment, though.

dark green hair-band

Hairband.

that I'd glanced across previously in confusion

This looks... odd? Perhaps 'glossed over' rather than 'glanced across', seems to be what you're getting at.

As much as I wanted to hold onto him again

I'd suggest 'latch onto him'.

Maybe it was silly, but hadn't Mikuru told me that her confession -- and her affection -- for Kyon was genuine?  But she hadn't actually acted on that?

I know you're trying to set up the distance to frame the conclusion a bit better, but this feels a little out of place here; Haruhi barely has any idea of what's happened yet, so her mind wandering into Mikuru and Kyon's relationship feels a bit out of place. I'd suggest either moving or lampshading it, although if you move it I'm not entirely sure where it'd fit better.

though, Mikuru and Yuki were both looking at me.

Comma is not necessary here.

Mikuru gave me a sympathetic smile, and began,

The first of these commas is also unnecessary, and I'd actually end this with a period before moving into Mikuru's dialogue. Latter is more a style preference than an actual correction, though.

I had the power to reshape reality, myself, after all.

First comma is again extraneous.

normally ... use licenses would come down from....  Well, that doesn't matter anymore.

First ellipsis seems like it should be a comma here.

so reached for something inconsequential

I'd recommend 'so I reached' for a bit more clarity.

Kyon's playing had broken off.  He stared at the floor in dismay.

'dismay' seems like it might be too strong a word here - it's like it implies they actually tried to work something out and it failed, where I think your intent was more that they've both been avoiding the elephant in the room since they arrived. Maybe tone this down to something like an uncomfortable grimace or expression?

"I'm _older_ now ... and Kyon's younger, so...."  She shrugs uncomfortably.

Mind thy tenses~!

Mikuru started hesitantly, looking a bit embarassed

Embarrassed. Two doubles!

scratched the back of his head uncomfortably

Missing a period at the end of this sentence.

Their attention was drawn by you, Haruhi, initially, but

Can reorder this slightly to cut down on the comma overload:
'Their attention was initially drawn by you, Haruhi, but...'


I am more a complete person,

Should be either 'I am a more complete person' or 'I am more of a complete person', to taste.

I am not the being that can't express myself

Contractions? From my Yuki? If you want to avoid repeating 'cannot', I'd use 'that is unable to express myself'.

And even if it's much weaker these days

Might just be a personal interpretation quibble, but describing data manipulation as 'weak' or 'strong' seems a little weird. Maybe 'more limited' instead?

he admited with a cautious smile

Admitted.

there was a hole where I used to be, here

The comma isn't needed.

It's too strange to try and take back a place in that family, to me, though.

More slightly awkward order. I'd suggest: "For me, it's too strange to try to take back a place in that family, though."

that little sister is doing well

Should be 'my little sister' - or else capitalize Little Sister/switch it out for Imouto.


With one real exception, it's always been the right path for me.

Might suggest rephrasing a little, since he pretty much just found out how much of a jerkwad Koizumi really was. Perhaps "With one exception that's now apparent,"

We have had several years to get used to this,

Seems to imply a different time flow. It's been three years for Haruhi (from Act II), which seems a bit short to be 'several'. Maybe just 'some years' or 'a few years'?

found a way to escape that world is beyond pointless

High tense-ion moment.

What he was going to do in that world, well, it wasn't my problem, anymore.

I'd suggest replacing the first comma with an em-dash.



Now that money isn't as tight --

Would replace this em-dash with a comma.


I don't even have a high school diploma, either,

I'd drop 'even' and the first comma.


but believe I can handle all of the paperwork

I'd add an 'I' for clarity - 'but I believe I can handle...'


Yes, it's Spring, here, and the academic year starts in Fall

Names of seasons are not proper nouns, so don't need the capitalization. Bit of research shows this to be slightly ambiguous, but leans towards non-caps unless you're referencing a season in a specific year (like Fall 2011, etc.)


If that's what you'd like Haruhi,

Should have a comma before Haruhi.


I can't help but feel happier than I have in a long, long time.  "That sounds almost perfect," I agree, while Kyon looks relieved.

And several tense corrections here.

[Brian]

Wild Act III C&C appears!

* Brian faints!

Spoiler: ShowHide

your brother wouldn't want you to keep dwelling like this

I'd suggest dwelling on this, myself.

Standard rule applies; if I don't comment or reply, I use the suggestion.

A common theme, but first-name basis for Kuyou? Sasaki's notably formal in general, so I'd be expecting a Suou-san.

Sure -- it's also been long enough that I think more formality than less is fine.

you want Nonoko to be an ambassador to your kind, because her brother is gone?

Not sure this is a valid logical leap, even for Sasaki. That Kuyou wants to communicate with Nonoko, sure, but immediately connecting that to Kyon being gone seems a bit of a stretch.

Dropped the final clause.

Distantly, but coming more loudly, as I was trying to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some small stringed instrument.

The phrase order in this is somewhat awkward. Suggestion:

As I was trying to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some small stringed instrument - distant, but growing louder by the moment.

Distantly, as I tried to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some stringed instrument.  I looked around for the source of the noise, wondering if maybe I could get some sort of explanation.  While I tried to puzzle things out, it grew louder -- closer.

Then moved the last sentence of that paragraph to the first sentence of the next.

Sitting in the sea like an idiot in some strange afterlife, I couldn't think that his voice would sell a lot of music.

Another kind of awkward sentence. Suggestion:

Even in an afterlife as strange as this one, I was too stunned to think of anything - except that his voice would never sell a lot of music.

I'd already revised that while working on the previous suggestions. >_>;;

Despite that, sitting in the sea like an idiot in some strange afterlife, I couldn't think that his voice would sell a lot of music.

more muscled than when I had known him

Minor point, but this implies some extra distance between the two of them. You might want to consider 'when I had last seen him' instead - although I can see this choice being intentional.

Hmm....  Alright.  I guess I can wait for the 'there's distance I hadn't realized' angle to be dropped later, when it's already being bridged.  Kind of makes the later parts more poignant.

I guess it's a guy's room?

Seems a bit non-sequitur; is there something about the furnishings that lead her to that? (i.e., the room is so plain and undecorated in general, etc.)

Haruhi: "Also, the magazines under the bed."
Kyon: "...Taniguchi lent those to me."
Haruhi: "Across a dimensional boundary!?"
Kyon: "His perversion knows no bounds!  I wouldn't put it past him to hit on a gap youkai!"
Yukari-sama: "Incidentally, he's also danmakuproof.  I could gap him into the sun, but that just makes everyone else less likely to protect it from hell-ravens.  -_-"
Haruhi/Kyon: "...."

* Brian coughs.

Right--  Will revise that a bit.

I guess by the color scheme and lack of really feminine touches that it's a guy's room?

There was the smell of pancakes, almost instantly, and the subdued sounds of someone working in a kitchen, murmuring in indistinct conversation with someone else.

More slightly awkward phrase order. Suggestion:

Almost immediately I was met with the smell of pancakes, accompanied by the subdued sounds...

Actually, this paragraph as a whole is a bit choppy, so more suggestions:

I was at one end of a hall on the upper story of a house, the stairs to one side, and doors lining the other wall, through which I glimpsed two other bedrooms. One was lined with bookshelves which had in turn been crammed to nearly overflowing with books, while the other was decorated with a few pictures and far fewer bookshelves -- I really only peeked into it for a moment, though.

A good suggestion, but too much your voice instead of mine.  I'll take the suggestions and rework it a bit.

Before anything else, I was hit with the smell of pancakes, and the subdued sounds of someone working in a kitchen, broken only by indistinct conversation.  I could hear the voices, but not really make out what was being said.  Pausing in the open doorway to get my bearings, I saw I was at one end of a hall on the upper story of a house, the stairs to one side, and doors lining the other wall.

     From my vantage, I was able to see two other bedrooms.  The nearer one was lined with bookshelves which had in turn been crammed to nearly overflowing with books.  The other was decorated with a few pictures and far less bookshelves -- I really only peeked into it for a moment as I approached the top of the staircase.

that I'd glanced across previously in confusion

This looks... odd? Perhaps 'glossed over' rather than 'glanced across', seems to be what you're getting at.

Some repetition there as well....

Not the Yuki of my journeys back through time and strange memories -- a slightly older Yuki, with her hair grown out a little, kept in place with a dark green hairband.  The one from the picture upstairs -- and here I realized what was changed about her, that I'd missed previously in confusion.  She was wearing glasses again, and her clothing was different, too, more casual than I remembered her typically wearing.  Her outfit was a simple pair of khaki shorts and a loose Hawaiian shirt.

Maybe it was silly, but hadn't Mikuru told me that her confession -- and her affection -- for Kyon was genuine?  But she hadn't actually acted on that?

I know you're trying to set up the distance to frame the conclusion a bit better, but this feels a little out of place here; Haruhi barely has any idea of what's happened yet, so her mind wandering into Mikuru and Kyon's relationship feels a bit out of place. I'd suggest either moving or lampshading it, although if you move it I'm not entirely sure where it'd fit better.

Hum.  Lampshading is the way to go ... but that spells out Haruhi's interested in a romance, which is a bit soon for this point in the story.

Yeah ... I'll just adress is in the epilogue, and drop it here.

I wasn't clear on _exactly_ what was going on ... but I knew I woke up in Kyon's bedroom.  If Yuki had the books, then ... that made the other bedroom Mikuru's.  So obviously, they were living together.  They'd made a life together, here, somehow....

Mikuru gave me a sympathetic smile, and began,

The first of these commas is also unnecessary, and I'd actually end this with a period before moving into Mikuru's dialogue. Latter is more a style preference than an actual correction, though.

A period feels stiff there; went with a colon.

Kyon's playing had broken off.  He stared at the floor in dismay.

'dismay' seems like it might be too strong a word here - it's like it implies they actually tried to work something out and it failed, where I think your intent was more that they've both been avoiding the elephant in the room since they arrived. Maybe tone this down to something like an uncomfortable grimace or expression?

Grimace seems worse.  I'll go with simple evasion.

Their attention was drawn by you, Haruhi, initially, but

Can reorder this slightly to cut down on the comma overload:
'Their attention was initially drawn by you, Haruhi, but...'

I am not the being that can't express myself

Contractions? From my Yuki? If you want to avoid repeating 'cannot', I'd use 'that is unable to express myself'.

I think this Yuki would be capable, but consistency.

And even if it's much weaker these days

Might just be a personal interpretation quibble, but describing data manipulation as 'weak' or 'strong' seems a little weird. Maybe 'more limited' instead?

I'm going to disagree with this one only because it's Kyon speaking.  I agree with you in principle, though.

....okay, it looks terrible, I'll change it.

that little sister is doing well

Should be 'my little sister' - or else capitalize Little Sister/switch it out for Imouto.

Was supposed to be 'that little sister' not ... erg.  Need to revise, for certain.

Well, I like to hear that they're okay anyway -- especially that other little sister.

We have had several years to get used to this,

Seems to imply a different time flow. It's been three years for Haruhi (from Act II), which seems a bit short to be 'several'. Maybe just 'some years' or 'a few years'?

I'll say the specific 'three,' actually.

What he was going to do in that world, well, it wasn't my problem, anymore.

I'd suggest replacing the first comma with an em-dash.

Used a lot in that paragraph; went with ellipses for variety.

Whew -- thanks a ton for the comments, as always. :D


Edit:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Even in an afterlife as strange as this one, I was too stunned to think of anything - except that his voice would never sell a lot of music.

Evidently my revision didn't work.  I don't understand what the issue is, so I'm just using your suggestion, since that's easier than trying to understand the specifics in this instance.

[Muphrid]

Never-mind -- she'd had misfires before, rare as they might be.  Considering what she was trying....

Just looking at agreement; perhaps "may have been"?

Within her apartment, her college homework set aside for the moment, Sasaki consoled the smaller girl collapsed on her knees before her, sobbing about the earlier confrontation with the world's legendary 'Witch of Miracles.'

It feels like this might run together a bit.  Perhaps "smaller girl, who'd collapsed"?

"Opposing factions caused significant entropy; signal to noise ratio approached infinity.  Communication would have been impossible -- save for retro-temporal instruction sets.  Interaction with the intended target has fallen below acceptable probability threshold.

If the signal to noise ratio were infinity, there would be infinite signal and no noise?  Zero would be more appropriate, I think, even if it doesn't sound as exotic.


Kuyou appears to Sasaki and Nonoko, and we learn that Haruhi is really gone.  The function of this scene seems more practical than anything.  All we get from it is a confirmation that Haruhi is really nowhere in reality, which the opening scene stated already.  If this scene is referenced later on (say, in the epilogue), that's one thing, but right now, it just feels like, ah, Nonoko got to do something cool after all and that's good, but it's also just kind of huh, interesting.

I opened my eyes and clawed to the surface, choking and sputtering for breath, feeling like an idiot to realize I'd collapsed into water barely any deeper than my head.

This was what I had sent Kyon to?  I cast about in confusion, wiping water from my eyes as I realized that I was treading water in the ocean, a few dozen meters from a shoreline.

Heh, Haruhi nearly drowns in the shallows, but realize and realize here.

Distantly, but coming more loudly, as I was trying to make sense of this situation, I heard the plucking of some small stringed instrument.  I looked around for the source of the noise, wondering if maybe I could get some sort of explanation.  From the sea, with the sun behind me, I was probably invisible to anyone else.

I didn't think of that at the time, though.  While I searched, a figure came down the path, an instrument of some kind held in both hands as a voice ... that voice ... sang....

He couldn't sing before ... not very well.  He'd gotten better at it -- unbelievably better, even in English.  Sitting in the sea like an idiot in some strange afterlife, I couldn't think that his voice would sell a lot of music.

Just so you know about this repetition.

That was as far as he got before hitting the wrong cord again, breaking off with a sigh and a displeased sound.

Chord.

All I knew was that I had to apologize ... to tell him how sorry I was--  To start to explain everything....  But when I opened my mouth, the only thing I could find to blurt out was, "You got tanned!"  Like an idiot.  I had a single special chance to talk to Kyon, and that was the first thing I said.

"You got tanned!"  Priceless.

I do like how Haruhi feels like she's been kicked in the gut when Kyon calls her Suzumiya briefly.

There was the smell of pancakes, almost instantly, and the subdued sounds of someone working in a kitchen, murmuring in indistinct conversation with someone else.   I was at one end of a hall on the upper story of a house, the stairs to one side, and doors lining the other wall.  I glimpsed two other bedrooms.  One was lined with bookshelves which had in turn been crammed to nearly overflowing with books.  The other was decorated with a few pictures and far less bookshelves -- I really only peeked into it for a moment, though.

less bookshelves -> fewer?

It was quiet for a moment, only the footsteps from the kitchen breaking it as Mikuru -- the older one, again, came in with another platter, this one loaded with eggs and sausage.  "Su--  Ah, no....  Haruhi," the woman said, before she set it down and took her own seat, "ah ... I'm sorry if this alarms you, so brace yourself, alright?"

"breaking it" -> "breaking the silence"?

There was so much to ask....  I couldn't think of where to begin yet, so reached for something inconsequential until I could settle down.  "So ... um ... what do you do, Kyon?  Are you a performer?" I wondered.

So I reached.

"With the data of two incomplete or damaged versions of myself, I am more a complete person," Yuki explained.  "At least, that is how I feel. I am not the being that can't express myself, nor the one that cannot hold her emotions in check.  And for both of the sets of memories that comprise my being now ... he is still my friend -- and I am no longer lonely."

"myself" -> "herself"

In general, I think, hm, that's awfully convenient, that there was no "complete" Nagato here to override or replace.  It avoids the moral problem of replacing her pretty neatly--perhaps too neatly, but I'd be hard-pressed to say there's a better way to go about it.

"Well, for me it's ... difficult, since she's not you," he admits with a cautious smile.  "Ah--  We e-mail, still, since she insists on staying in touch ... she gave me a picture with her hair up, and told me to think of it as you....

admits -> admitted (tense)

"Anyway, mostly she tells me what the copies of my family do -- since ... there was no original 'me' of this world.  I was just moved over from the original universe when this one was made, so when I got back, there was a hole where I used to be, here.

When he got back to that Japan?  It's somewhat unclear to me.

"It's too strange to try and take back a place in that family, to me, though.  I didn't even let them know I was here, since I'm not ... really ... the person they think I am.  That's a big part of why we came here.  I don't like that to them, someone vanished one day without any explanation and was never seen again....  But I think it might be even more difficult trying to explain everything.  Well, I like to hear that they're okay anyway, and that little sister is doing well."

"I don't like to do that to them" or "I don't like doing that to them"

After I finished explaining the entire story, I looked around the people who had offered me so much support and sympathy so far.  Yuki was still hugging me, and I'd be lying if I said that seeing her alive like that wasn't just as wonderful as seeing Kyon again.  Mikuru was still holding one of my hands and offering the occasional soft pat.

Just pointing out this repetition as well.

Koizumi gets a reprieve; all for the best, since it could leave a bad taste in one's mouth to leave him burning for eternity.  Kyon seems to have a good reason for not wanting to go back to the original world, but I feel it's tainted by the argument that history records it that way, so that's what they should do.  Even if Asahina knows it to be true (and the part about Koizumi ultimately being all right can stand), I don't think that information really helps for that one point.  It skirts toward "because history told me so" territory, despite the other valid reasons they have for not going back.

The one other thing I do feel is how Kyon's family (particularly Nonoko) is left in the dark for this decision, and I'm not sure what can be done about that.  Tying into my other concern, about the Nonoko scene at the beginning, perhaps she can find out in some way that Kyon is alive after all?  A general reconciliation?  I'm not sure where it would fit, though, or if that's even the best choice...


I'll save some more comprehensive comments about the piece for after the epilogue.

[Brian]

Never-mind -- she'd had misfires before, rare as they might be.  Considering what she was trying....

Just looking at agreement; perhaps "may have been"?

Right.  As always, if I don't reply to a comment, it's because I used it.

"Opposing factions caused significant entropy; signal to noise ratio approached infinity.  Communication would have been impossible -- save for retro-temporal instruction sets.  Interaction with the intended target has fallen below acceptable probability threshold.

If the signal to noise ratio were infinity, there would be infinite signal and no noise?  Zero would be more appropriate, I think, even if it doesn't sound as exotic.

You know, I never thought about the fact that the phrase is hard-coded that way?  You're right.  'approached insignificance'.  Wait, that's got the wrong connotation, too.  Curses....  Yeah, zero.

Kuyou appears to Sasaki and Nonoko, and we learn that Haruhi is really gone.  The function of this scene seems more practical than anything.  All we get from it is a confirmation that Haruhi is really nowhere in reality, which the opening scene stated already.  If this scene is referenced later on (say, in the epilogue), that's one thing, but right now, it just feels like, ah, Nonoko got to do something cool after all and that's good, but it's also just kind of huh, interesting.

Well, part of the point was to state that despite Koizumi's expectations and plans, the world goes on without Haruhi -- and humanity gets allies in the form of the SCD.

I opened my eyes and clawed to the surface, choking and sputtering for breath, feeling like an idiot to realize I'd collapsed into water barely any deeper than my head.

This was what I had sent Kyon to?  I cast about in confusion, wiping water from my eyes as I realized that I was treading water in the ocean, a few dozen meters from a shoreline.

Heh, Haruhi nearly drowns in the shallows, but realize and realize here.

Second instance to 'discovered.'

I do like how Haruhi feels like she's been kicked in the gut when Kyon calls her Suzumiya briefly.

He'll make it up to her. <_<;

Promise! >_>;;

It was quiet for a moment, only the footsteps from the kitchen breaking it as Mikuru -- the older one, again, came in with another platter, this one loaded with eggs and sausage.  "Su--  Ah, no....  Haruhi," the woman said, before she set it down and took her own seat, "ah ... I'm sorry if this alarms you, so brace yourself, alright?"

"breaking it" -> "breaking the silence"?

Too repetitive; changed to 'sounding'.

"With the data of two incomplete or damaged versions of myself, I am more a complete person," Yuki explained.  "At least, that is how I feel. I am not the being that can't express myself, nor the one that cannot hold her emotions in check.  And for both of the sets of memories that comprise my being now ... he is still my friend -- and I am no longer lonely."

"myself" -> "herself"

Eh, that ... doesn't feel quite right to me.  Oh, wait, you meant the second instance.  Yeah, that flows.

In general, I think, hm, that's awfully convenient, that there was no "complete" Nagato here to override or replace.  It avoids the moral problem of replacing her pretty neatly--perhaps too neatly, but I'd be hard-pressed to say there's a better way to go about it.

Yuki: "Almost as though it were planned that way."

I'm actually okay with that aspect.  It gives good closure to the Disappearance arc, IMO. >_>;;

"Anyway, mostly she tells me what the copies of my family do -- since ... there was no original 'me' of this world.  I was just moved over from the original universe when this one was made, so when I got back, there was a hole where I used to be, here.

When he got back to that Japan?  It's somewhat unclear to me.

Yeah, I'll change 'back' to 'this world'.

"Anyway, mostly she tells me what the copies of my family do -- since ... there was no original 'me' of this world.  I was just moved over from the original universe when this one was made.  Basically, when I got back to the original world from this one, there was a hole in this world where I used to be.

"It's too strange to try and take back a place in that family, to me, though.  I didn't even let them know I was here, since I'm not ... really ... the person they think I am.  That's a big part of why we came here.  I don't like that to them, someone vanished one day without any explanation and was never seen again....  But I think it might be even more difficult trying to explain everything.  Well, I like to hear that they're okay anyway, and that little sister is doing well."

"I don't like to do that to them" or "I don't like doing that to them"

O_o?

I think you misunderstood.  But I can be clearer:

I don't like that, in their eyes, someone vanished one day without any explanation and was never seen again....

Koizumi gets a reprieve; all for the best, since it could leave a bad taste in one's mouth to leave him burning for eternity.  Kyon seems to have a good reason for not wanting to go back to the original world, but I feel it's tainted by the argument that history records it that way, so that's what they should do.  Even if Asahina knows it to be true (and the part about Koizumi ultimately being all right can stand), I don't think that information really helps for that one point.  It skirts toward "because history told me so" territory, despite the other valid reasons they have for not going back.

I think I'm actually okay with that, though -- while their actions are ruled with the iron fist of predetermination in the original world, in their own copy, they can do as they wish.  I guess ... actually, I can bring that into the story, as well.  Yeah, that might make a good contrast; Yuki doesn't have to deal with the IDSE and cross-temporal synching (or other interfaces going stab-crazy toward Kyon), Mikuru doesn't have to deal with predetermination (anymore), and Kyon ... gets to enjoy that with them?  Haruhi, certainly, gets enough freedom to make her own choices and do what she likes.

So revised a stretch; looks like it ties in pretty neatly:

I wasn't sure what to make of that.  If Suou had powers, maybe she would take care of it?  But ... that doesn't make _me_ feel less responsible.  "I don't....  I don't like that our choices are made for us by things like that," I finally muttered.

     "In that world," Mikuru agreed.  "But this world is invisible, unknown to everyone from the world we came from--  So it doesn't have any bearing on this one, does it?"

     "There are more freedoms, and fewer restrictions," Yuki added quietly.

     When they said that, I supposed that they were right.  I could ignore the problem, and probably someone else would take care of it.  Or....

     Okay ... I'd done enough on that count.  I didn't really care to think of it in the terms that Koizumi taught me, but bearing a grudge against him when I'd found a way to escape that world was beyond pointless.  I thought about it and focused -- he didn't deserve an eternal punishment.  I wasn't ... sure how quickly it would work, given the separation of our timelines.  But he didn't deserve to either live forever, or suffer.

     I wondered ... I supposed that was my actual final interaction with that world -- I wanted my power to stop, and restore him to the state of before I had tried to hurt him.  What he was going to do in that world ... well, it wasn't my problem, anymore.  He was free to do it without my interference -- or help.

     There was a possibility that he might suffer for a _little_ before the power worked on him, but I didn't want to risk meddling further.  That was it, then--  If I was really welcome to stay here....

     "Okay," I said quietly, managing a tremulous smile.  "U...um....  But then, after that, I'm not ... sure what to do, anymore."

     "Whatever you wish," Yuki replied.  "Like us, your vocation until this point has been decided for you.  Now, you may choose new futures on your own."

The one other thing I do feel is how Kyon's family (particularly Nonoko) is left in the dark for this decision, and I'm not sure what can be done about that.  Tying into my other concern, about the Nonoko scene at the beginning, perhaps she can find out in some way that Kyon is alive after all?  A general reconciliation?  I'm not sure where it would fit, though, or if that's even the best choice...

I'm not sure.  If there's enough call, I can probably have a surprise, 'no one can know this happened, but we came to tell you...' moment between Space Ambassador Nonoko and Haruhi/Kyon, but I think Kyon covers it pretty well in his comment that, "It's not great, but it could absolutely be worse."

I'll save some more comprehensive comments about the piece for after the epilogue.

Alright -- and thanks again for the comments. :)

[Muphrid]

Epilogue:

Haruhi notes how Kyon most of all has and does treat her as a person instead of a powerful being, and this leads into how she and Asahina agreed to both enter relationships with Kyon in a mutually amicable way, one that Nagato feels no need to enter.  Haruhi says several times how it was embarrassing and awkward, but she seems happy with the final result.

Yuki with a more obvious sense of humor was a bit strange, but easy to get along with -- and a good friend.  She helped Kyon and I study, which brought me back to where we were -- graduation.

Optional grammar suggestion:  "Kyon and me" since they're objects and not subjects.
Also: possibly "which brings" since it's more about the narrative being brought there in the current time, not Haruhi being brought in the past time?

Description of the graduation ceremony, who's in the crowd and such.

My degree was in education, and Kyon's was in linguistics.  For all his claims not to be a genius, he picked up language and communication skills amazingly well, so pretty much took the 'easy route.'  I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with my studies at first, but I enojyed school.  And thinking back to the world we left behind ... I had enjoyed teaching, too.

Possibly, "so he pretty much took"?

Haruhi says she enjoys school and teaching, leading to...

Mikuru certainly seemed to be happy with her role, teaching college students.  Somewhere, there was the idea that with the four of us, if Yuki was willing to handle accreditation, could probably start a very small private school for bilingual students.  It's something I would be able to bring up later, so there was no reason to bring it up during the graduation ceremony.

I think if you do the strike above, the sentence might feel more natural?  Also, repetition underlined.

The ceremony concludes, and Haruhi reflects on how in Hawaii, they can show physical affection more and not be judged for it.

After joining some classmates and heading out for drinks, we decided to call it an early night.  None of us were that big on getting drunk, and we wanted to have a slightly more private celebration between us.  I was a bit tipsy, but not much.  Mikuru had less than me and was even wobblier on her feed, but none of us were interested in getting any more intoxicated than that.

That's probably already been pointed out.

Haruhi expounds on the school idea, garnering support and agreement.  I think it's good to see what the future would hold for this group, so overall, I enjoyed this epilogue.

Now, for the story in general, I remember feeling that the third act tied things up neatly--perhaps too neatly.  Let me see--it kind of goes like this, right?  By the end of the first act, things go to hell.  The second act is Haruhi slowly but surely questioning how Koizumi has indoctrinated her and breaking free of him.  The third is her time to heal back from the damage he's done to her, made in large part much easier considering she never did anything wrong at all.

I feel like the first act is a little weak because Koizumi's sinister intent doesn't become clear until right near the end--when he starts his false confession of identity to Haruhi.  That may be a personal preference, but I think some aura of anxiety or anticipation might help make the ultimate direction clear and give the reader a better expectation.  As an example: a scene right after where Kyon tells Koizumi about the trump card, Koizumi could meet with the IDSE and other time travelers, make his true philosophy on what needs to be done with Haruhi known, and there we go.  Maybe that's all too explicit or too fast, though.  If so, feel free to ignore it.

I feel act two is very, very strong, and my remarks earlier about POV were merely, "Hm, what if it were this way, that could be interesting."  As it is, making Koizumi come across as the well-intentioned (...ish) extremist that he is for that scene and seeing into his head for a while (since he has driven a lot of the story, even without a lot of screentime) is worthwhile.

Act three, then--my only concerns here are, again, that Haruhi never did anything wrong, so I feel like it undercuts the lessons she learned or the guilt she felt.  That said, seeing this act as a piece on Haruhi healing, on learning to be herself again and not the rigidly contained person Koizumi had tried to make her into, may be enough.  In fact, the more I think about it that way, the more I like it and feel like this is adequate as it stands.

From what I remember, it doesn't feel like you made too many changes to this piece, but what you did alter seems to have tightened it up and addressed any lingering logic problems.  Good story.

[Brian]

Epilogue:

Haruhi notes how Kyon most of all has and does treat her as a person instead of a powerful being, and this leads into how she and Asahina agreed to both enter relationships with Kyon in a mutually amicable way, one that Nagato feels no need to enter.  Haruhi says several times how it was embarrassing and awkward, but she seems happy with the final result.

The part about Kyon treating Haruhi as a real human instead of trying to force her to be something better was a critical element for me, in this story. :x

Yuki with a more obvious sense of humor was a bit strange, but easy to get along with -- and a good friend.  She helped Kyon and I study, which brought me back to where we were -- graduation.

Optional grammar suggestion:  "Kyon and me" since they're objects and not subjects.
Also: possibly "which brings" since it's more about the narrative being brought there in the current time, not Haruhi being brought in the past time?

Not sure about the tense mixing there....  But alright.  Let's see how that scans.

I dunno.  I guess it works, sure.  Let's go with that.  Alright; if I don't comment otherwise, it's because I used the suggestion.

Mikuru certainly seemed to be happy with her role, teaching college students.  Somewhere, there was the idea that with the four of us, if Yuki was willing to handle accreditation, could probably start a very small private school for bilingual students.  It's something I would be able to bring up later, so there was no reason to bring it up during the graduation ceremony.

I think if you do the strike above, the sentence might feel more natural?  Also, repetition underlined.

Second instance to 'mention it'.

I feel like the first act is a little weak because Koizumi's sinister intent doesn't become clear until right near the end--when he starts his false confession of identity to Haruhi.  That may be a personal preference, but I think some aura of anxiety or anticipation might help make the ultimate direction clear and give the reader a better expectation.  As an example: a scene right after where Kyon tells Koizumi about the trump card, Koizumi could meet with the IDSE and other time travelers, make his true philosophy on what needs to be done with Haruhi known, and there we go.  Maybe that's all too explicit or too fast, though.  If so, feel free to ignore it.

Well, the risk there is that I have (quite frequently, the last time I dared to look at the reviews for this fic) already been labeled enough of a Koizumi-basher.  While I don't like the guy, and I do aknowledge my biases, I also try and work around them. :X

I'm not sure about the suggested scene; I like the reveal where the reader gets to put two-and-two together on what Koizumi's telling Haruhi (which is also spelled out in Act II).

Act three, then--my only concerns here are, again, that Haruhi never did anything wrong, so I feel like it undercuts the lessons she learned or the guilt she felt.  That said, seeing this act as a piece on Haruhi healing, on learning to be herself again and not the rigidly contained person Koizumi had tried to make her into, may be enough.  In fact, the more I think about it that way, the more I like it and feel like this is adequate as it stands.

Yeah ... I'm mostly happy with it.  Haruhi does suffer (agonize) a lot for things that aren't actually her fault, but that's totally Koizumi's 'for the greater good' approach in action.  I needed to have her make a genuine mistake to make up for, and that was consigning Koizumi to suffer.  It was always intended (even in the original draft) that Koizumi wouldn't actually burn forever, but I wasn't sure how to bring that into Act III.

Putting in the epilogue gets a chance to offset the 'going back to that point' aspect of Act III, but that point needed to be specifically spelled out since it seems to have grated on a lot of nerves.  The implications of Haruhi fixing it later after she calmed down, or leaving it to Kuyou to take care of didn't seem strong enough....

From what I remember, it doesn't feel like you made too many changes to this piece, but what you did alter seems to have tightened it up and addressed any lingering logic problems.  Good story.

Glad it worked; I was pretty satisfied with the general story structure, so....

Anyway, thanks again for the detailed feedback! :)