[Haruhi] Farewell

[Korsar13]

Here is a short piece originally written in Russian by one of the sos-dan.ru community members.

This story is an attempt to look at the events described in the Rainy Day from another point of view and add a few bits to the portrait of Sasaki. We've tried to get rid of the "translation" feel as much as possible, but a few mistakes probably still made their way in.

The original author goes by the nickname aak on the sos-dan.ru forum, the translation was done by Xsen from the same forum.

Hopefully you all will enjoy this story!

(Updated: v3)

[Muphrid]

Heads up:  all your links are broken (they all begin with http://"http//) which probably isn't the way they should be.

[Korsar13]

Uhm... fixed. Thanks, Muphrid.

[Grahf]

It seems a little rough in places, but I think that's more than likely due to it not being in English originally.

As for the content itself:

Spoiler: ShowHide

It certainly is a different take on the idea that Sasaki was supposed to be the chosen one. I kind of wish that there were more details, like the time that this is taking place. The talk of a reunion makes it seem like it could be happening well into the future, but it seems just as likely to be set in the present of the Haruhi-verse.

Some things strike me as odd, but also fine if left unsaid. Things like whether or not Sasaki knew that her powers would be transferred to Haruhi. It certainly seems like she made a conscious effort to be rid of them, but at the same time perhaps she didn't know the result.

There might be a little bit of a clash with her canon presentation, but frankly it all depends on just how much of the logical take on everything she really subscribes too. It certainly seems on it's face that she might truly believe that love is but a convoluted, illogical trifle. Then again, the same could have been said for Haruhi, even if Haruhi herself wasn't being completely serious or honest with herself at the time.

All in all it was a nice read, but left me with a sense of melancholy. Given that I believe that was supposed to be the point, I cannot fault it for that.

[Xsen]

If you could point out the rough places, I'd be really grateful!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Regarding the reunion talk, it happens in the end of vol. 10 of the original series, though naturally canon has it from Kyon's POV

[Grahf]

I'm probably not the person to talk to about grammar, but I shall certainly try to point out a couple of things I thought were a little off. Mostly minor corrections to things; also, please take these with a grain of salt and/or other input as well. Some things that strike me as strange may not be, and I'm sure that people will also point out things I've glossed over. That being said:

No reason. Absolutely no reason to get that nervous.

You might want to consider changing this to something like "There's absolutely no reason to get that nervous, no reason at all." I'm also not sure about the tense. The "that" would seem to indicate that the conversation has already taken place, but at the moment she's thinking about it I don't believe it has? If I'm wrong please disregard.

There is only one person, who had always treated me right ever since the very beginning. It's you, Kyon.

Think that the "is" here should be was, either that or the "had" should be has. Which set you want to go with might depend on the mood you want to convey. If you choose the past "was/had" then it would indicate that Sasaki might no longer believe that Kyon can be this way for her. If you go with "is/has" though then she still believes that he is that person. I hope that makes sense.

And these memories probably just faded as well. After all it's been more than a year since.

"these" might be those instead, and you might want to drop the period in place of a coma and add a "then" to the end of the sentence.

After all, striving for the things already past doesn't make any sense to me.

The "the" here seems extraneous.

I went towards the Kitaguchi station entrance, keeping my back straight, walking with a perfectly natural carefree feel.

This isn't really grammar, but what I got from here was that her "perfectly natural carefree feel" was something forced and practised. You might want to add something that betrays that act a little better, perhaps something like "with a perfectly natural, carefree feeling ... I'd practised it enough for this after all". Although I admit that might be a little too blunt all things considered.

And did not turn back, not even raised a hand to let him know I heard him.

This might work better reformatted. Perhaps something like "I didn't turn back, or even acknowledge that I'd heard his parting words." Again, it works, and I believe that it might have just been the translation, but it just seems a little ... off, I guess.

I never thought that my looks are above average.

"are" should be were, I think.

I knew that such behavior was absolutely natural for the boy going through puberty. And he saw her at the swimming pool this morning. Not only her that is. He saw me as well, but my body never possessed those flashy features, that are so welcome by the boys' eyes.

I think some of the sentences could be combined here. Specifically taking the first two and combining them and the same for the last two, with some tweaks for grammar and connectivity it seems like it would flow better.

That day was the first time ever that I have seriously considered such thoughts.

"have" should be had I believe.

Because at that moment I was his most precious and needed friend, I've felt and knew that.

You can safely drop the "Because" here, and change the "I've" to "I" or "I had".

This world is not suited to be a home for a sentient, powerful, yet humane being. There is no way of changing the fate of others to your liking and still managing to stay human. The war favors those who are able to sacrifice a platoon or a regiment or a whole army to reach their goal, but war has its' own principles.

This is a dark line, but I really like it. I just felt like pointing that out.

---

Going through it again, I believe I picked up on something I missed the first time, something extremely important:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Did Sasaki try to initially give her powers to Kyon, only to have them transfer to Haruhi?

Anyways, like I said please wait for some of the other people to chime in on all of this, as I'm not sure whether any of what I've said is relevant or not. I hope that you find at least some of these useful. I found it an enjoyable story overall, so I'd like to be able to help in whatever way I can.

[Xsen]

Thanks for the corrections, v2 is on its way. UPD: The new version is up!

That line that you pointed out really is quite dark. But what gives me the chills every time I read either EN or RU version is this passage:

That night when I've walked out of the house under the sparkling glow of the Sky River, raised my face to the sky, spread my hands and shivered in a soundless scream, gazing into the gentle light of the Sokuji.

Somehow I just see this picture and it's painful.

Spoiler: ShowHide

No, in fact she hadn't even met Kyon back at that Tanabata, and I believe according to canon they were in one class only during the final year of their junior high.

So in fact she could be unconsciously searching for a better "power user", Haruhi in turn did not have the powers just yet, but was on her way to the sports field. Something like that.

[JonBob]

This story felt melancholic and all, but something about it also felt... off. I get that most of Sasaki's mannerisms and outward demeanor were due to her self-discipline over her power, but it still felt too emotional. Granted, the initial view of her is through our unreliable narrator, but this still seems a bit much.

The one who wouldn't tire himself with endless attempts to control every desire, but not an idiotic petty tyrant or a heartless cynic at the same time? The one who would find it easy to use these Universal powers to his own and others' pleasure – and do that on the unconscious level?

The use of "him" along with her current knowledge of who Haruhi is leads me to infer that she's thinking of Kyon here, just fyi.

[Muphrid]

But still as soon as she moved closer, he froze like a bunny facing a snake, and he was obviously working too hard to keep his stare on her eyelashes, the stare that was desperately trying to fall about ten inches lower, down to the class' beauty blouse, that had two buttons negligently unbuttoned.

I think this should be "class beauty's blouse".

At that moment I even felt like comforting him. I knew that such behavior was absolutely natural for the boy going through puberty, plus he saw her at the swimming pool this morning. Not only her that is, he saw me as well, but my body never possessed those flashy features, that are so welcome by the boys' eyes.

There's a little trouble here with tenses and sense of place.  To me, "this morning" should probably be "that morning".  Also, "he saw" could reasonably be made into "he'd seen".  I think the comma after "features" is incorrect, and the structure of the sentence can be improved (if it isn't contrary to the original text) with "that are so welcome to boys' eyes" to end it.

But the rain summed it all up. A real tropical shower, not too common for our area, especially this part of the year. Funny. My very first and last attempt to flirt in a way suitable for a well-behaved but still gentle girl. We rode his bike together hundreds of times, but never in the rain. I guess, I figured that if he likes to watch that much...

In conjunction with the above, the sense of time and place makes me want to think "that part of the year" (or "that time of year"). 

...and then I caught his friendly, slightly embarrassed glance and realized that I shouldn't have bet on something I'm not familiar with. He never tried to look at my chest, no matter how hard I tried to pull the wet and clinging blouse away. I mean,he was looking in the right direction, but all he saw was just his classmate soaked in the rain. Or rather  a friend  who's got caught up in an unexpected and annoying trouble, but nothing critical there. And when I said that I'd really appreciate if he'd look away for a moment he panicked in such a cute and helpless way.

A space is needed here.  Again, time and tense.  "I'm not familiar with" to "I wasn't familiar with", perhaps.  "who's got caught up" to "who got caught up" or "who's caught up".

Funny. Oh no, at that time it wasn't funny at all. I was totally overwhelmed by - obviously not the hurt or anything, what was there to be hurt about? - the feeling that the world was just so wrong to begin with. The realization how painful could the difference in how two closest people on earth see each other be. At that moment I was his most precious and needed friend, I felt and knew that. And of course he was even more so for me.

It's more common not to split "could be" in this way for a staement instead of a question.  I suggest, "...how painful the difference...could be."

I've managed to overcome my weakness, the shower was over as if someone shut a giant tap in the sky and we were back on our way to cram school. We didn't talk much, didn't even exchange a glance, but still kept ourselves from slipping into the sticky mud of aloofness. Oh, how many times have I thanked myself since then for resisting that minute's - rather moment's - desire. I did not make an attempt to return everything to how it was before. Though I most certainly could. And in this crazy April when we met again - this time I definitely would have done so.

I suggest "Though I most certainly could have."  Something less clear-cut than the tense suggestions I made above is to thange "this crazy" and "this time" to "that crazy" and "that time".  This is mostly a function of the story being (mostly) told in past tense even for what's immediately being described.

One day I'm going to call Tachibana Kyoko and have a long and serious talk. One day I'm going to take the blame for everything I've caused, and what's more - for everything that I didn't. For that stuffy and crazy night in July when I've finally come to the decision that I'm not going to take the fate of the whole Universe into my own hands. That night when I've walked out of the house under the sparkling glow of the Sky River, raised my face to the sky, spread my hands and shivered in a soundless scream, gazing into the gentle light of the Sokuji.

"for everything that I didn't" to "for everything that I haven't" (this is parallel with "I've caused" earlier in the sentence).  "when I've finally come to the decision..." to "when I finally came to the decision that I wasn't ..."  Similiarly, "when I've walked" to just "when I walked"

That gift or that curse - by then it had me pushed to my limits. Constant self-control, instant suppression of the smallest and most innocent desires, having to reflect on every thought - to detect, understand and mercilessly cease those desires. Ever since I remember I was afraid of myself, or rather that power, that pulsed in my fingertips, rolled in waves under my skin and sent sparks off my hair.

To me, "Ever since I remember" doesn't make sense.  You can cut "Ever since" and leave the rest of the sentence intact with no loss of meaning that I can find.

Battling the Universe, opposing your will to that of the other free minds and the nature itself was never my choice. Neither was inner betrayal leading to me losing my own human traits. I've tried to convey it to Kyon in one of our recent talks, but he didn't seem to get the idea. Although he believed that I was on his side, and that alone made me happy. And I won't lie, it still does.

I think instead of "opposing" the word desired is "imposing".  Tense again:  "I've tried" to "I'd tried".

Kyon... Kyon. By the time we graduated from junior high my powers were barely sufficient for creating a pitiful shower, along with tricking my own espers, who unwillingly became collectors of my widespread and wasted powers. Actually, what I thought back then was that my power has successfully dissipated, returned to the nature, from which I have had stolen it by some strange chain of events.

"from which I have had stolen it" to "from which I'd stolen it" and "my power has" to "my power had"

Well, if that's the case, then someday I'd probably have to admit my guilt before the eyes of Suzumiya Haruhi as well. After all, the chances of me being the reason of the mess she got into are pretty high. Fortunately, Suzumiya-san had no problems in finding those who would support her in joy and sorrow. I, on the other hand, could barely make a contact with my own espers, not to mention other, much more powerful allies. There was no way I could consciously make it to where she stands and still remain a human, remain myself.

"make a contact" to "make contact"

Whether I was right that this power had a certain flavor. And it was the flavor that Kyon sensed unconsciously, when he lingered to Suzumiya-san, from the very first day they've met each other. He even changed his ways completely, becoming active and vigorous, not caring to look back. Yes, he still rattled and grumbled - but then again that's what he's all about.

The first sentence (fragment) is not clear to me in its meaning.  "lingered" is not the right word.  What is the sentiment to be expressed there?

Sometimes I think that I should have waited a bit more, should have kept that cursed gift for at least a couple of years. At least till the day when I've exchanged a few general polite and meaningless phrases with that absolutely common classmate of mine. And then realized that I no longer know how could I even live and breathe before knowing him.

"when I've exchanged" to "when I'd exchanged" and "no longer know" to "no longer knew"

He holds no mysteries within, whatever level you'd try to study him on. Nobody expects anything from him. Year by year he keeps his draggy goofy attitude, sometimes coming quite close to being a smug and pathetic idiot. Kyon won't move a finger to save himself, but as soon as trouble comes to whoever he considers a friend - both time and space better move out of his way, along with physics and common sense. Because this amazingly thickheaded student tends not to care about the obstacles in his path.

"move a finger" is usually phrased as "lift a finger"


I think this piece describes an interesting theory of Sasaki.  There's a certain subtlety in her saying she never intended to confess her feelings toward him, but what she does feel is worthy of one.

The passage in which Sasaki describes the person suited to wielding her powers instead of her does make it sound like Kyon is the recipient through the use of "he".  I think it would make more sense if "she" and "her" were used instead, if that's consistent with the original text.  While "he" can at times be taken to mean someone abstractly in a gender-neutral way (like "one"), I don't think it really suits the story.

I do think Sasaki is the kind of person who thinks ill of temptation, seeing it as an animalistic counterpart to the purely rational ideal of the mind.  The struggle with temptation is one that I think makes sense for her.

Beyond that, I think the only issues with this as it stands in English are the senses of place and time--whether things are "this" or "that" (and hence, right here, in the moment, or distant), whether something should be described in the present, past, or past perfect.

[Brian]

I'll avoid the technical commentary since that seems well covered.

I really liked the story--  I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer, but the belated realization and justifications Sasaki goes through....  There is a somewhat discomforting implication that Sasaki thinks Kyon is attracted to the power (or else is responsible for helping whoever holds it regulate it, I suppose), but other than that, I liked the insight and reminders that despite her front, Sasaki is still human -- still capable of love and regret.

Very well done.

Also, Xsen, Korsar13, welcome to the board! :)

[Xsen]

Grahf, Muphrid and everyone thanks a lot for taking time to point out those mistakes! The new version is attached to the OP message.

I've been doing lots of EN -> RU translations, but not too much of reverse, so I guess I lost a bit of that language feel, especially when it comes to tenses. Oh well, I guess practice makes perfect. So, many thanks again!

Regarding the story itself.

I tend to believe that Sasaki thinking about that flavor of "her" powers is nothing more than an attempt to soothe her own pain. Being a very sensible person, she still has feelings that won't die that easily. So even though she doesn't seem to ever admit it, she lies to herself a little, making that "flavor" an excuse for Kyon being totally over Haruhi. You might say that she really does think that it's all about that power, but underneath it all, she knows that it's not true.

Well, at least that's the impression, that I've got.