Evil Commentary Bureau Versus The FFX Press Conference on Fa

[Dracos]

Okay, I gawked when I first heard of this and I gawk now upon reading it.  Submission to the Evil Commentary Bureau for Review promptly accepted.

This will, as always, be a fair and impartial review of the story taking into account internal mechanics, writing, etc.  The author is allowed a single response if sent to the ECB response box: Dracos12@hotmail.com

Now, without further adieu, we present the case of
"Evil Commentary Bureau versus FFX Press Conference on FASHION!"

*Begin ECB*

A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is a one shot so don't expect it to be perfect!^^

ECB: I don't.  Devils help me I don't.  But gad damn it, can ye start your fic with some sense of maturity instead of trying to scare off your readers?

I formerly the authoress of Inuyasha Fan-fics is now the authoress of FFX stories!

ECB: GRAMMAR PROBLEMS before your story begins?  That is Really bad.  "I, formerly the authoress of Inuyasha Fanfics, am now the authoress of a FFX story!"  Wow, proper grammar is so hard!

But I will still be authoring some Inuyasha fan-fics!

ECB: Yadda yadda, author's notes on a fic should be focused on that fic.  No one expects you to drop all your other fics because you publish a few page one shot.

This fic will also have some Zelda crossover with just the fairies!

ECB: And I already smack my head and ask "Why?"  I mean the premise is broken enough as it is without adding in extraneous crossovers.  Are you trying to break your fic?

This will be updated whether you like it or not!

ECB: Oh no, the author is going to update her stories.  Woe is to me.  Do you enjoy making your story sound like some sort of threat before it even begins?

It's either you choose or I choose!

ECB: That makes no sense though.  You just told us you were going to be updating period, regardless of our own desires.  So our 'choice' in the matter is already foregone.

So get set and read!

ECB: I am already ready... despite having to read through a paragraph of pointless rambling before your fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own FFX some Kitase guy does!

ECB: Fucked up disclaimers make baby Tidus cry.  Is it that hard to spend 2 seconds getting the actual owner?  And in this case, how can you forget that Squaresoft owns the rights to FFX?

ECB: Your title is well formatted.  That is about the only good thing in this entire fic.

Nayru: Not another conference!

ECB: Whee, no setting, no character descs, no opener, just starting with your crossover characters that have no reason to be there!  What a wonderful starter.  And also you haven't referenced any past fics to provide what she is referring to.  O-boyo, this looks like a winner already!

Din: It's all right I got your back!

ECB: Yo!  Listen up, little fairy goddess Din got Naryu's back!  It's gonna be all right ya?  You hear that!  The dialogue here is so lively I can't help but satirize it.

Faroe: Well let's just hope there won't be another riot....

ECB: First off, Grammar: You end a sentence with either an ellipsis or a period... not both.
Second off, You still haven't given a past setting for this and don't HAVE one apparently looking over your other fics.  Why do authors feel compelled to write a sequel style fic...without having the original written to follow up on?

*They enter the FFX Press Conference room, we see the FFX cast calmly seated.*

ECB: I'm going to note that it's a sad thing that I have chat room logs that are more detailed then this.  You couldn't even be bothered to write out the name of the game you were taking them from.  This is Pathetic, with a capital P.

Din: Hello everyone! And welcome to the first FFX Press Conference sponsored by Konami Trax.

ECB: Whee, thanks for speaking to us because you haven't displayed any other characters, so you must be breaking the fourth wall!  And why the hell are you bringing in Konami into a fanfiction about Squaresoft games?  Is some demon on your shoulder telling you to make as many extraneous crossovers as possible while not disclaiming them at all?

Faroe: Today's topic will be Fashion.

ECB: 'Yay!' *Waves flag*  What a brilliant fic topic.

Nayru: ::In a mono toned/ bored voice:: And please remained seated at all times and refresh yourselves at the refreshment tables towards the back of the room. Thank-you and you may begin.

ECB: Whee, it's been four months since I've last since the ::fuck you I can't possibly use a single notation for emotes:: style of emoting.  Thanks for reviving it.  To correct your grammar here: "And please remain seated at all times.  You can get refreshments at the refreshment tables towards the back of the room after the press conference is over  Thank you, you may now begin."  Look, I not only fixed the grammar, but I rewrote it so it makes sense!  GO ME!  Only took a few seconds of actual thought!

*The crowd of reporters all runs to the refreshment table.*

ECB: Grammar...ooooh sweeeeeeeeet Grammar...  whhhyyy do you suffer sooooo...  To hear...  that this poor author...  can't get her grammar straight.  The crowd of reporters all ran to the refreshment table.

Yuna: O.O

ECB: Wait, am I reading a fic?  Or am I reading a chatroom transcript?  If this was the wrong thing you posted then forgive me ECB'ing it.  Please do take it down though from a fanfiction site if it's a chat log and not a fanfic.

Tidus: They are even much more hungrier than I am! ::Laughs so hard he's pulling to the sides of his stomach and falls of the chair::

ECB: Boy, what's worse here: The characterization, the dialogue, or the grammar.  I vote the grammar personally with it not being:
"They are even hungrier then I am! ::Laughs so hard he grabs at the sides of his stomach as he falls off the chair::

Rikku: Coffee, coffee!

ECB: Which Rikku is this?  Can't be the Final Fantasy X one as she wouldn't be serving coffee at her own press conference.

Wakka: O.O

ECB: O_O
ECB: *_* *rubs eyes*
ECB: X_X It's still there!  KILL IT KILL IT!

Auron: Senseless barbarians....

ECB: Well, never mind that none of the characters are described at all during the fic, Auron is definitely standing proud shouting this out loud so that the guy near the refreshment stands can go absolutely berserk.  Wonderful plot developments.  Lemme guess, you write for 3 am soap operas right?

Some guy near the refreshment table: WHAT YOU CALL US!?!??!?!?!?!? ::He starts making his way through the refreshment table crowd despite all the donuts seen in his hand::

ECB: First off, it's "WHAT DID YOU CALL US?!" Only using one question mark to denote it being a question and one exclaimation for effect.  Second off, 'donuts in his hand' not seen in his hand as we aren't 'looking' through the eyes of someone but are in omniscient.  And finally, this *Wait for it* is Not FUNNY.  It isn't funny at all.  It's really really really UNFUNNY.  It has it's own realm of crap that is normally reserved for the likes of gravestones.

Nayru: RUN FOR COVER! ::Puts on a football helmet and cowers under the table::

ECB: There's noooo Point.  There's no point.  This fic has no point.  It's lacking in a plot and a story...  There's no point, it's not funny, not funny at all...PLEASE... GO...HOME!

Din & Faroe: Time for riot control....AGAIN! ::Puts on what looks like the bomb squad get up and starts charging through the crowds to SGNTRT::

ECB: Besides your continual grammar flaws and the inappropriateness of the action...  What the fuck is up with the acronym for the guy?  You can't desc him?  Can't refer to him in any other way other then an acronym?

Din & Farore: GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!

ECB: This was for no other reason then to denote that you like switching styles of description randomly and can't type someone yelling or screaming.



SGNTRT: ::Yells like Xena The Warrior Princess...you know the whole scream::

ECB: Sure I do, but why do you assume everyone does?  And why the hell would some fat guy with donuts be able to do that?

The FFX Cast: O.O

ECB: *shoots you between the eyes*  Would you like 'Fuckup' or 'Kaipito' on your tombstone?

*Din & Faroe and SGNTRT charges at each other.*

ECB: The suspense...

The FFX Cast: Gasp!

ECB:...is killing your fic.

*The fairies end up catching SGNTRT in a net and throws him out.*

ECB: And now you use the more common emote notation, WHEE YOU COMPLETE WASTE OF HUMAN FLESH AND BONE!  Whatever compelled you to publish this rubbish?

Nayru: Once again I am alive! Thanks to be...............the Triforce........oops.....uummmm....errr I mean Yevon!

ECB: This isn't funny.  This...clearly shows that you typed this in word...making the existence of your typos and grammar even more pathetic then it was before.  Nice autoformatting on your "..." usage.  You may well be the saddest script writer I've ever criticized in my entire life.

Din & Faroe: Ahem! Attention please!

ECB: No.  Go Away.

*Everyone at the refreshment table looks their way.::

ECB: That line speaks for itself...two separate emote notations for the same emote.

Din: If you do not retreat back in your seat within 1 minute our very own Black Mage, Lulu, will use thunraga on you. Thank-you for you attention!

ECB: Let's see, you use numbers instead of typing them out, mispell Thundaga, hyphen Thank you, and do a bad joke.  *Stamp* FAIL!  Never try to be funny again.

*Everyone at the refreshment table scurries back to their seat.*

ECB: This might be your sole correct line in your entire fic.

Nayru: Please LIKE I SAID BEFORE, REMAIN SEATED AT ALL TIMES! Or else our Black Mage here will use thundara on you people who violate the rules. Thank-you and you may now begin.

ECB: Boy, ...this speaks for itself, but somehow as you wrote it I don't think it speaks loudly enough.  I'll use neon signs:
"THIS REALLY SUCKS ASS!"

Some guy from Besaid Daily: Umm...this question is directed to Wakka. What is with the spiky hairstyle?

ECB: Answer: Because it is easier to create spikey hair with a polygon effect then it is any other type of hair.  Next?

Wakka: Well it was kinda from this commerical one day while I was watching television......

ECB: Sure.  EXTRA CROSSOVERS!

Cloud: Hi! Do you want a funky hair-do like mine? Then get some of Cloud's Ultra-Strong Styling Gel! Just put some in your hair and style! It'll keep your hair looking perfect in tornadoes, tidal waves and even earthquakes! It's been recommended by the star of FFX, Tidus!


ECB: This whole bit speaks for itself.

Tidus: Hi! I use Cloud's ultra-strong styling gel in my hair everyday! That's why I look so hot!

Cloud: So use Cloud's Ultra-Strong Styling Gel and you too will be a hottie!

ECB: Stop speaking for yourself.  PLEASE!

....Yep those were the days when we valued such gels....

ECB: There is just so much wrong with that.

SGFBD: Ok.....and Tidus why the blonde spikes that droop?

ECB: You know, this is the only point in the entire fic that actually looks like your actual purpose.  It's drab, boring, and pointless, but that was your purpose.

Tidus: Well girls got the hots for me and my spikes, what can I say?

ECB: ...



SGFBD: Umm....that's nice Mr. Tidus but your still not answering the question...

Tidus: Are you questioning my authorities!?!?!??!?!?!

ECB: It's "Are you questioning my AUTHORITY?!"
ECB: Get your bloody references correct -.-



Some lady from Spiran Vogue: I was wondering why Lulu has such a revealing dress with about maybe 90 belts on it?

Lulu: Because I found out men give you gils for revealing items and I think belts are fashionable.

ECB:A)You make your characters boring.  B)You make your dialogue boring.  C)You kill your own joke.  D)Can't you give these reporters names?  E)This answer is intensely drab.  F)This is your letter.  Wear it with PRIDE!

SLFSV: Ok and Yuna what's with the rags for a dress?

ECB: It's actually a kimono design.  If you had any knowledge of the culture that the game was designed for you would know that it is considered a formal dress there.  Which makes the joke inappropriate at best.

Yuna: It's not rags! It's called Art. Hmph.

ECB: But it isn't called Art.

SLFSV: *Note to self* Something like rags is called arte.

ECB: And the follow up jokes aren't funny -.-

Din: Ladies and Gentlemen that's all the time we have for today and please save your fashion questions for the FFX Cast until the next updated version of FFX Press Conference!

ECB: Why do you suck so much?

Review! Please for the love of Yevon! PRESS THAT LITTLE GO BUTTON! ;_;

ECB: Your wish is the calling of the ECB...  We have come... We have read...  We have Reviewed...

YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED!

<End ECB>

Well, another really obvious grade.  It's clearly a Fail in the make sense school as the author doesn't even try to make it make sense in any fashion.  It's also litered with bad jokes and poor grammar.  All in all, not even the concept is worth salvaging.  Toss in the trash bin and forget, it isn't going anywhere.

[Anastasia]

You know, what the hell does the FFX cast look like when they 0.0?

[Yuthirin]

Perhaps something similar to the author after having been run over by a steamroller.

[Rezantis]

Miserable as that was, Yuth, it was still at least 10 times as funny as that whole fic put together.

[Anastasia]

Only ten times?  Hell, I'd say that was at least 25x as funny.

At least.