[Haruhi] Sympathy

[Halbarad]

'Nevada-tan' refers to a schoolgirl that murdered one of her classmates with a utility knife - happened a few years ago. No name was ever released because of her age, but she was seen in pictures wearing a sweatshirt with 'Nevada' on it, so she's referred to as Nevada-tan.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sasebo_slashing

[Brian]

Chapter 5

This feels much, much better than the previous chapter. After Nagato's indifference and Asahina's hostility the inversion of Koizumi is actually a rather likeable person, and reverses the trend of Haruhi becoming progressively more isolated from the rest of the brigade. A welcome reassurance. Haruhi's excitement and impulsivity is well portrayed.

Okay.  Koizumi's goal is mostly to get Haruhi and Kyon together, same as in canon.  Being a real jerk to Haruhi wouldn't help him, so....   Glad that part worked for you. :)

He's easier to talk to about it, but to cut a very, very long conversation into a more reasonable-length one, his stance is basically a rehash of the same bizarre Kyon-centric solipsism as the others.

This sentence comes through as somewhat abrupt. Maybe Haruhi could mention a couple of things that Koizumi speaks about and then give her verdict on the whole, to make it flow better?

Yeah, I can see that.  I'll expand on it a bit, then:

Probably, we look like highschool students on a date.  And even _more_ likely, that nosy old woman who lives there will tell my mom about it.  He arrived in a cab, though, so that's better than running to the train station.  "Well?" I prompt Koizumi, glancing at the older gentleman who's driving, once the doors are shut and we start rolling into motion.

     He starts off by explaining that something happened to him -- and a small number of other people -- across the world around three years ago.  The same time as the 'data spike' and 'temporal anomaly.'  He also explains Kyon's ability in _slightly_ more detail.  The part that catches me the most is where he says he thought at one point he might be going crazy; I've got to have a little sympathy for that, because I've felt similar things recently!

     He's easier to talk to about it, but to cut a very, very long conversation into a more reasonable-length one, his stance is basically a rehash of the same bizarre Kyon-centric solipsism as the others.  This is the longest car ride I've ever been on, and if the material were any less interesting, I'd have fallen asleep!  He's a bit clearer about it, and also throws in his 'type.'  Evidently Koizumi's an _esper_, able to sense Kyon's unrest.

Does that help?

Haruhi's interaction with her mother is a nice brick joke, and made me smile.

Hooray! :D

An unexpected turn -- it feels like the story was building momentum in a different direction and then suddenly jumped right into the endgame. If I understand correctly, the story would appear to wrap itself up in the next chapter.

The execution has drifted somewhat from my original outline.  Then again, as is said, "No plan survives contact with the enemy."  I'm worried about the shift feeling too abrupt, here.  My hope is that it mirrors (despite the obvious differences) the original canon closely enough that it works anyway, and doesn't feel like a complete ass-pull. :X

But I expect the next chapter to be the last one.  Probably there will not be room for an epilogue, considering my planned ending.

What is 'Nevada-tan'? A shout-out to some other series?

As per Hal's link above--  There's a risk of this being both too obscure, and tasteless. >_>;;

If it offends, I'll replace it with an anime reference.

Continuity issue: Haruhi's unfreezing after Asakura is taken care of is not mentioned at all.

Hmm?  That's not true:

The spell of me being frozen and Asakura moving in slow-motion is broken as a thunderous slap resounds, the class representative being backhanded forcefully enough that she flies away, crashing into and knocking over Yanagimoto's desk. The knife clatters from her hand and skitters away across the floor.

I'm going to take your comment to mean I was too subtle about it and need to make it more obvious, since that does seem to be the case.  Haruhi's reaction to something that severe obviously needs to be more significant than it was.  Let's see ... how about:

The spell of me being frozen and Asakura moving in slow-motion is broken as a thunderous _slap_ resounds, the class representative being backhanded forcefully enough that she flies away, crashing into and knocking over Yanagimoto's desk.  The knife clatters from her hand and skitters away across the floor, as I jump back, my body shaking with relief that I'm not trapped anymore.

That person being what looks like a very slightly younger version of me!

Would it really be possible to tell that?

To be honest, I don't know.  I think if anyone could, it'd be Haruhi.  If it jars, hmm.  I can say that prologue!Haruhi has slightly longer hair?  That doesn't quite cut it.  Alright, I'll just go with Haruhi thinking it's a copy of her, then.

At this point, demanding an explanation would pretty much just be echoing _that_ person.  _That_ person being what looks like ... well ... a copy of _me_!

Several plot points are left open, so I can't comment them until the next chapter.

I realized I said this story ignored novels 10/11, but just directly referenced them when Kyon mentioned that she'd 'done it before.'  Hmm.  I'll need to think about that.

Alright -- thanks for the feedback; glad that you're not unsettled by this again. :)

[Oroboro]

That person being what looks like a very slightly younger version of me!

Would it really be possible to tell that?

To be honest, I don't know.  I think if anyone could, it'd be Haruhi.  If it jars, hmm.  I can say that prologue!Haruhi has slightly longer hair?  That doesn't quite cut it.  Alright, I'll just go with Haruhi thinking it's a copy of her, then.

I think this part is fine as it is. If you forget for a moment that Haruhi is an anime character and they always look the same--  Haruhi is still a teenager, and a 17 year old looking back at her 16 year old self there's bound to be some slight differences from the face she sees in the mirror every morning.

[Brian]

I think this part is fine as it is. If you forget for a moment that Haruhi is an anime character and they always look the same--  Haruhi is still a teenager, and a 17 year old looking back at her 16 year old self there's bound to be some slight differences from the face she sees in the mirror every morning.

older!Haruhi: "Hey, I look like a K-On style character!  She doesn't!  I can read an art shift.
alternate!Haruhi: "But if this scene is done by the same art staff, aren't we going to be drawn in the same style anyway?"

I think Sarsaparilla makes a good point that it might raise some questions if Haruhi does spot that, though.  I think the change should work -- in retrospect she should be more surprised to see a second her at all than to get hung up on the distinction of age.  And there's no reason that the (slightly) younger Haruhi can't suspect it's time travel.

[Muphrid]

For chapter five:

Unless I'm being chased down by Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, I can still run off between classes, or for lunch, and not be bothered.  Kyon was quiet all day in class today, probably still upset by how we left off yesterday.  I can't say I'm at all happy about it, either -- but the important part stuck with me.

"Today" close to "day"?

Kyon pauses, and something seems to go through his expression when he glances back at us.  He quickly seems to dismiss it, shaking his head and walking away.  Mikuru goes to the costume rack and takes her uniform down,then gives Koizumi-kun an expectant look.

Space after "down,"

Sighing, Koizumi-kun gives a small shake of his head and tells me, "I'll pick you up for a demonstration at your place in about forty minutes."  He glances at Yuki and Mikuru, then shrugs.  "Be ready," he adds, giving me the impression that the notice was more for <em>their</em> benefit than <em>mine</em>.

"Be ready," huh?  Koizumi isn't shy about wanting to impress.  I think that's a good dimension for him.

I can't come up with any especially good guesses before getting home.  My mom isn't there yet, so I have plenty of time to switch out to casual clothing.  A skirt with pockets, and a purse with everything I think I could need in it.  Most important is my phone, which has a GPS in it in case something goes really wrong, and a camera, in case there's anything worthwhile to see.

"In case" is used twice in short succession.

Koizumi comes by not long after I finish changing.  I can't be too surprised that he knows where I live when I didn't give him my address; he has access to the student directory, just like anyone else.  I do pause for a second to think about what we must look like to the house across the street.

Slight nitpick:  it seems like Haruhi is trying to convince the reader, more than herself, that it's not unusual for Koizumi to know where she lives.

"Almost," he agrees.  "On those occasions that Kyon-kun is pushed far enough ... those in my organization who were gifted with our powers that day three years ago join together."  The cab stops abruptly, and I realize that I have no clue where we are.  Koizumi steps out of the car without hesitation, and I crawl after him, popping out the same door before he can shut it.

Does the "our" in "our powers" feel awkward to you?  Actually, I'm not sure about that entire sentence.  It's a bit long and has a lot of modifiers to keep track of, though the meaning is perfectly clear.

I grab it, warning him without hesitation, "This <em>doesn't</em> mean we're dating -- and if that's all this is a ploy for...."  I let the threat dangle at that.

"Without hesitation" is used just two lines before.

He chuckles dryly and says, "You may find it more comfortable if you close your eyes."

I'm intrigued Haruhi doesn't think that part a ploy for a kiss, unless she's just leaving that unsaid.  I like that she does look and finds the experience as overwhelming as we could've imagined.

"Okay!" I exclaim, turning around and grabbing Koizumi-kun's nearest hand.  I fix him with a sharp look, locking gazes with him.  "Go out with me," I demand.

Oh, Haruhi.  Dear, dear Haruhi.  I like that this comes out of nowhere at first, but later on, she asks him out again, and it seems a bit devoid of thought process.  You can feel Haruhi's wonder and excitement, but only with the scene at hand, not with the prospect of dating an esper or anything like that.  Especially given the point where she's forced to consider Koizumi's reasoning--I think a spot where she basks in the thought of dating him would make that thought a lot more concrete (and, hence, to make the passage where she backs off the idea a lot more meaningful as well).


For chapter six:

"If that were an option, I might!" she says in a way-too friendly voice.

Asakura, this is why we love your enthusiasm.

Completely unperturbed, shifting from foot-to-foot slightly, she continues, "In that vein, since my superiors are not capable of lateral thinking.  They're really out of touch with how quickly things can change in this reality.  Therefore, I'm compelled to do something in order to try and make a change -- any change at all, don't you agree?"

Asakura's first sentence of dialogue seems incomplete.  Maybe a colon or a dash instead?

"You could consider Nagato and I colleagues," she replies, her grin, if anything, widening.  "Though, our own sponsors don't agree on ideal approaches."

Just "Nagato" in this world, huh?

"Well, if you're willing to work with me -- kick him out of your club and never speak to him again."

Oh, oh!  For just a moment, one thinks this can turn out differently.  Very nice.

"Go home or I'll wipe your boss out," Kyon overrides her.

Now this is a surprise.

The seemingly emotionless girl blinks, then lowers her face, her gaze oriented at Kyon's feet.  "...insufficent time to react due to inadequate bonding with secondary observation target," she says, sounding the slightest bit hesitant.  Then, her shoulders slumping the tiniest bit -- I would have missed it if I weren't watching -- she raises her face and looks at me.  "I am sorry."

It seems...off that Nagato immediately blames this on insufficient bonding.  She could've been monitoring Haruhi at regular intervals per her directives, and maybe the reason she was able to save Kyon in the other world was because she allocated even more resources to doing so, beyond her original directives.  It's the same reason, but it doesn't require just coming out and saying it?

Also, "insufficient" (lost an i)


On the whole:  wow, so I see what's happened.  The alpha-beta split thing does work well here.  It all works, so there's nothing to do but wait and see how this plays out.  Koizumi's effort to be on good terms with Haruhi was refreshing, and Haruhi's admission that she likes being closer to Kyon than the others is good to see.

[Brian]

For chapter five:

Unless I'm being chased down by Yanagimoto and Sakanaka, I can still run off between classes, or for lunch, and not be bothered.  Kyon was quiet all day in class today, probably still upset by how we left off yesterday.  I can't say I'm at all happy about it, either -- but the important part stuck with me.

"Today" close to "day"?

Yay~!  Feedback!

Okay -- as per usual, if I don't comment on a grammatical correction, it's because I used it. :)

Cut out the 'all day'.

Sighing, Koizumi-kun gives a small shake of his head and tells me, "I'll pick you up for a demonstration at your place in about forty minutes."  He glances at Yuki and Mikuru, then shrugs.  "Be ready," he adds, giving me the impression that the notice was more for <em>their</em> benefit than <em>mine</em>.

"Be ready," huh?  Koizumi isn't shy about wanting to impress.  I think that's a good dimension for him.

I have a hard time overcoming my negative bias against Koizumi.  Broizumi (here) is my attempt to make a nicer presentation of his character.

I can't come up with any especially good guesses before getting home.  My mom isn't there yet, so I have plenty of time to switch out to casual clothing.  A skirt with pockets, and a purse with everything I think I could need in it.  Most important is my phone, which has a GPS in it in case something goes really wrong, and a camera, in case there's anything worthwhile to see.

"In case" is used twice in short succession.

Oop.  Okay:

Most important is my phone, which has a GPS, and a camera, in case there's anything worthwhile to see.

Koizumi comes by not long after I finish changing.  I can't be too surprised that he knows where I live when I didn't give him my address; he has access to the student directory, just like anyone else.  I do pause for a second to think about what we must look like to the house across the street.

Slight nitpick:  it seems like Haruhi is trying to convince the reader, more than herself, that it's not unusual for Koizumi to know where she lives.

Well ... she is.  :\

Okay; it can be a suspicious that he knows where she lives without her saying anything.  Instead, it'll be played as--  Eh, well, here's the revision:

Koizumi comes by not long after I finish changing.  It's maybe a _little_ strange, now that I think about it, that he already knows where I live.  That doesn't really prove he's something paranormal; anyone who put enough effort into it could find their way to a student directory.  I do pause for a second to think about what we must look like to the house across the street, though.

Does the "our" in "our powers" feel awkward to you?  Actually, I'm not sure about that entire sentence.  It's a bit long and has a lot of modifiers to keep track of, though the meaning is perfectly clear.

No reason it can't be trimmed for readability.

"On those occasions that Kyon-kun is pushed far enough ... those in my organization who were gifted with powers by him join together."

"Without hesitation" is used just two lines before.

Dropped the second instance.

He chuckles dryly and says, "You may find it more comfortable if you close your eyes."

I'm intrigued Haruhi doesn't think that part a ploy for a kiss, unless she's just leaving that unsaid.  I like that she does look and finds the experience as overwhelming as we could've imagined.

Well ... I left out the part where they're walking across the street in a relatively crowded area, as per the novels.  Hmm.  I suppose it's worth making a nod to, but I don't see making it explicit adding much, so I made this minor revision:

I keep my eyes peeled -- on _him -- as he leads me across the crosswalk.

"Okay!" I exclaim, turning around and grabbing Koizumi-kun's nearest hand.  I fix him with a sharp look, locking gazes with him.  "Go out with me," I demand.

Oh, Haruhi.  Dear, dear Haruhi.  I like that this comes out of nowhere at first, but later on, she asks him out again, and it seems a bit devoid of thought process.  You can feel Haruhi's wonder and excitement, but only with the scene at hand, not with the prospect of dating an esper or anything like that.  Especially given the point where she's forced to consider Koizumi's reasoning--I think a spot where she basks in the thought of dating him would make that thought a lot more concrete (and, hence, to make the passage where she backs off the idea a lot more meaningful as well).

Hmmm.  That would fit in during the battle with the shinjin, but then -- she'd made the first demand before then.  Alright; I think I can put that before her first demand, though it does lessen the comical 'out of nowhere' aspect I wanted to play up.  Well, maybe....

"Okay!" I exclaim, turning around and fixing him with a sharp look, locking gazes.

     I can't speak for the others, because they weren't willing to give me proof.  But that doesn't matter anymore, because Koizumi-kun did!  This is the start of something amazing -- with him at my side, there's no _end_ to the amazing adventures we could have!  Checking out these closed spaces, using his powers to solve mysteries....

     Plus, how many other people have been able to be this close to an esper -- and known it?  That hought in mind, I grab Koizumi-kun's nearest hand and hold it tightly.

     He raises an eyebrow and looks at me curiously.

     "Go out with me," I demand.

If that works?

For chapter six:

"If that were an option, I might!" she says in a way-too friendly voice.

Asakura, this is why we love your enthusiasm.

There's probably something wrong with me, the way her dialog and behavor just comes to me naturally for this type of scene. >_>;

Completely unperturbed, shifting from foot-to-foot slightly, she continues, "In that vein, since my superiors are not capable of lateral thinking.  They're really out of touch with how quickly things can change in this reality.  Therefore, I'm compelled to do something in order to try and make a change -- any change at all, don't you agree?"

Asakura's first sentence of dialogue seems incomplete.  Maybe a colon or a dash instead?

Ah, yeah.  I grabbed the dialog straight from my copy of the translation of Melancholy.  I then didn't like how the dialog there was different from mine.  I _probably_ need to try and bring what I write closer in line with the original translation style, but ... given there's an official and unofficial translation, and I'm much more familiar with the latter....

Anyway, I worked it over with a hammer, and missed a few things:

Completely unperturbed, shifting from foot-to-foot slightly, she continues, "In that vein, my superiors are not capable of lateral thinking.  They're really out of touch with how quickly things can change in this reality.  Therefore, I'm compelled to do something in order to try and make a change -- any change at all, don't you agree?"

Just "Nagato" in this world, huh?

In the translation I have, Asakura only ever refers to Yuki as 'you' (in Melancholy).

I suppose I could make it 'Yuki-chan' to see if we can't amp up the yandere a bit.

"Go home or I'll wipe your boss out," Kyon overrides her.

Now this is a surprise.

Hopefully not in a bad way?

It seems...off that Nagato immediately blames this on insufficient bonding.  She could've been monitoring Haruhi at regular intervals per her directives, and maybe the reason she was able to save Kyon in the other world was because she allocated even more resources to doing so, beyond her original directives.  It's the same reason, but it doesn't require just coming out and saying it?

Also, "insufficient" (lost an i)

Okay, hmm.  Maybe slightly restating it to: "...insufficient data was gathered on the secondary observation target to predict this," ?

This doesn't explain to the reader that it's because Haruhi chose not to take her to the library, but that's probably not really important.  And in retrospect, I doubt the original made it clear either....

On the whole:  wow, so I see what's happened.  The alpha-beta split thing does work well here.  It all works, so there's nothing to do but wait and see how this plays out.  Koizumi's effort to be on good terms with Haruhi was refreshing, and Haruhi's admission that she likes being closer to Kyon than the others is good to see.

Excellent; thanks for the feedback, Muphrid.  :D

I'll try and have the last chapter done in the next day or three. :)

Edit: Oh, forgot.  I do need to revise the reference to the alpha/beta split out of this chapter, though -- the prologue is incompatible with that.

...or would have to be revised itself.  Not sure which way to go; it's hard for me to see the Haruhi that was gentle with Kyon after he appeared suddenly in her bed in the middle of the night as the one that got so frustrated with Kyon in the prologue. :x

[Oroboro]

Edit: Oh, forgot.  I do need to revise the reference to the alpha/beta split out of this chapter, though -- the prologue is incompatible with that.

...or would have to be revised itself.  Not sure which way to go; it's hard for me to see the Haruhi that was gentle with Kyon after he appeared suddenly in her bed in the middle of the night as the one that got so frustrated with Kyon in the prologue. :x

This definitely seems like a tough call. Cutting the Alpha/beta reference would be easy, but it really seems to fit with the way the story is going. Revising the prologue could work too - Maybe change reason for the fight a bit, or Haruhi get's offended because she thinks he's bitching that he spent all his money on her gift or something. I dunno. It's up to you.

---

A second note, for clarification. In 05, when Koizumi is infodumping Haruhi, she kind of glosses over it and doesn't dwell on it. Because of this, I'm making the assumption that Koizumi never went so far as to call Kyon "god" or anything like it. Is this the case?

[Brian]

I don't know that I can bring the prologue into line; it's really hard for me to see Haruhi backslide that much, and trying to fit this story between Yasumi vanishing and the year anniversary doesn't feel right either.

I forgot about the 'god' thing, but that particular throwaway line has gotten enough fanon attention it probably doesn't need to be further conflated here.

[Muphrid]

In the translation I have, Asakura only ever refers to Yuki as 'you' (in Melancholy).

I suppose I could make it 'Yuki-chan' to see if we can't amp up the yandere a bit.

Consulting the anime episode does suggest it should still be Nagato-san; Asakura says it right before she disappears, and I think the dialogue hems pretty closely to the novel version.


Otherwise, I did like the suddenness in Haruhi's "Go out with me!" line, so I'm not sure what to suggest.  To me, having her affirm that sentiment by being excited over Koizumi's exploits during the battle seemed like a way to have cake and eat it too, but I'm not sure.

[Brian]

Oh?  Alright -- I'll go with that.

I also tried moving Haruhi's introspection on 'how cool' it would be to be with Koizumi to be between the end of the battle and Koizumi returning.  Seems to work.

[Brian]

And the final chapter.  I can't really be confident about it.

I like it thematically, but ... I don't know if it really works. :(

As soon as my scripts finish running, I'll put an updated chapter 5 and 6 on the first post.

Edit: Gah--  Forgot to remove the YAML headers.  >_<  Please ignore the 'title' and 'numbering' bits at the top; they're related to my website.

[Grahf]

One small spelling error I noticed:

"Yuki keepa our tea refreshed"

Spoiler: ShowHide

Among my thoughts in general: did I spot a Traveller reference in there?

I didn't quite understand where Haruhi was going with the whole no one person thing, but when she got to the end it became obvious. I don't think it's a problem, but I was momentarily confused and thought that she was electing to just will the power away entirely.

As an aside I honestly wish I'd thought of the power sharing thing myself. It's something that just seems obvious but that I've never actually seen used before now I think.

I know that because of everything that's happened that Haruhi is going to have different perspectives on most of the Brigade, but her reaction to Mikuru still seems, I don't know, maybe a little too harsh. I don't know if Kyon could make it clear that she's not the same as the Alt!Mikuru, but then again he doesn't know if it's an act or not either. I could see Haruhi trying to help Mikuru -- assuming Mikuru wants help -- in order for her not to turn into the kind of Mikuru Big that Kyon is so distrustful of, but that kind of leaves a loose thread hanging where you probably don't want one.

One thing that only occurs to me now is why Kyon would even bring Asakura back. I know that she's the primary catalyst here for the actual sit down and talk portion that leads to the denouement, but you'd think that after having not one but two versions of her try to get all stabby that he'd be reluctant to ever see another version of her ever again. I guess that you could pass it off as him wishing that Haruhi could have gone through the exact same scenario, and thus she was made since that was one of the requirements, but that's something that might make Kyon even guiltier all things considered. Without her though it becomes a huge problem of just what happens to motivate the story to an endpoint.

I like the overall arc of the story, and I feel the ending is well placed and deals with the ramifications of Haruhi realizing her power well, as well as to how a relationship between her and Kyon as equals would play out. I realize that this must have been extremely difficult to write, and I feel you've done it justice with your implementation.

[Brian]

Heya. :)

One small spelling error I noticed:

"Yuki keepa our tea refreshed"

Ack--  Thanks for spotting that. :x

Spoiler: ShowHide

Among my thoughts in general: did I spot a Traveller reference in there?

I didn't put one in intentionally, no.  What resonated?

I didn't quite understand where Haruhi was going with the whole no one person thing, but when she got to the end it became obvious. I don't think it's a problem, but I was momentarily confused and thought that she was electing to just will the power away entirely.

I was kind of intentionally trying to give the wrong impression for suspense....  No good?

As an aside I honestly wish I'd thought of the power sharing thing myself. It's something that just seems obvious but that I've never actually seen used before now I think.

It was actually brought up when we were discussing The Coin--  Though in all honesty, I'd had this ending planned for quite a bit before those discussions.  I'm a big fan of compromise when possible, and to me, going this route felt right for Kyon and Haruhi together.

I know that because of everything that's happened that Haruhi is going to have different perspectives on most of the Brigade, but her reaction to Mikuru still seems, I don't know, maybe a little too harsh. I don't know if Kyon could make it clear that she's not the same as the Alt!Mikuru, but then again he doesn't know if it's an act or not either. I could see Haruhi trying to help Mikuru -- assuming Mikuru wants help -- in order for her not to turn into the kind of Mikuru Big that Kyon is so distrustful of, but that kind of leaves a loose thread hanging where you probably don't want one.

I'm not positive if it all came through--  But Kyon was implied to have narrated the original novels to her (tired, old joke, but I figured it was better than having him _write_ them).  In there is a rather jealousy-inspiring amount of Mikuru-admiration, so that's a factor, too. >_>;;

I don't want it to feel off, but Haruhi was given a really bad impression of her.  Hmm.  I suppose this does leave off potentially putting her in a bad spot.  I can try and tweak it a bit--  Have Haruhi consider what she'd done to Mikuru (in both worlds), and really dedicate herself to trying to develop the same honesty with Mikuru as she has with Kyon....  But that was also a pretty harsh burn for Haruhi to deal with, so I'm not sure.

I'll have to think about that for a bit.

One thing that only occurs to me now is why Kyon would even bring Asakura back. I know that she's the primary catalyst here for the actual sit down and talk portion that leads to the denouement, but you'd think that after having not one but two versions of her try to get all stabby that he'd be reluctant to ever see another version of her ever again. I guess that you could pass it off as him wishing that Haruhi could have gone through the exact same scenario, and thus she was made since that was one of the requirements, but that's something that might make Kyon even guiltier all things considered. Without her though it becomes a huge problem of just what happens to motivate the story to an endpoint.

Er, that second-to-last sentence.  That actually is exactly what I was going for -- Kyon didn't think (while he was in the clubroom with Haruhi), "I'm angry and going to have a knee-jerk reaction (but pause to exclude one specific threat)."  Instead -- though, this may need a revision in chapter six, if it's really an issue -- he want, "I'm angry, but I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm going to have a knee-jerk reaction (with provisos that if Things Go Wrong, I'll be able to stop them).

And I thought it was plenty clear in chapter six that Haruhi's life being threatened (because of something Kyon did) was precisely why he felt so guilty?  I'll sleep on that--  If it has to be made clearer, that can be done.

I like the overall arc of the story, and I feel the ending is well placed and deals with the ramifications of Haruhi realizing her power well, as well as to how a relationship between her and Kyon as equals would play out. I realize that this must have been extremely difficult to write, and I feel you've done it justice with your implementation.

Ah, now you're flattering me. >_>;;

I put a lot of effort into the ending and didn't have a lot of confidence in it, so that means a lot to me.  :)

Thanks for the feedback, Grahf, I really appreciate it. :D




Here's 7.0.1, which contains some minor corrections.  (Inevitably, I will spot 5-6 errors immediately after posting. >_<)

Edit: Erg.  YAML tags are still there, sorry; forgot to strip them out for SRposting.  ...may be lazy and just leave them in, as the website will stop working if I forget to put them back. :x

[Grahf]

Re: the Traveller thing. The 15,000 worlds just seemed to resonate with that for some reason. Can't put my finger on why.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I thought that Haruhi's thought process involving splitting her powers rather than getting rid of them flowed naturally. It was indeed a suspenseful moment when I thought that Haruhi might be giving up the entirety of her powers, but I was also a little lost. Granted, re-reading it you can't really make it much clearer without hammering the audience in the head with it by having Kyon just outright state "No Haruhi, don't give up your power!" which would just be heavy handed.

Regarding Mikuru, I knew that you were going for a "Kyon tells Haruhi the contents of the books" stuff, but I was perhaps expecting some self censoring there. It makes more sense though that he's honest about everything, rather than trying to downplay what he felt at the time.

I feel as though it was a double-edged blade. It's nearly impossible in this situation to make both Haruhi and Mikuru sympathetic to the same degree, and because Haruhi is the more important character she honestly should receive the sympathy. For Mikuru it would take Haruhi and Kyon both divorcing her from her alt!self which is something they are incapable of doing since neither they nor we know just how much of Mikuru moe-moe is an act and to what extent she is being manipulated by herself and others around her.

Regarding Asakura. Perhaps even just a line, something like "If I'd have known that doing this would have brought in Asakura (or just 'that deranged girl') again" sometime during his first apology it might go a long way towards both enforcing his guilt over the situation and also giving just enough explanation as to why she showed up again without outright stating that it was something that Kyon honestly hadn't thought of.

[sarsaparilla]

The serious discussion at the center of the last chapter flows well, and ties most threads together, making the final scene a natural point to end the story. The story as a whole stays fairly well together, and is concise enough considering the intended scope.

I don't still understand why Nagato tried to stab Kyon in the prologue, or even which Nagato that was.

Haruhi's reaction to the revelation doesn't appear to make any sense in the light of things she knows at that point, doesn't feel at all like Haruhi to me, and actually negates all the sympathy that she had managed to gain in my eyes during the story. I can't see what gives her the permission - or even reason when one considers the prologue - to slap Kyon on the face in anger, and that she does it anyway suggests that she's actually a worse person than before.

I can't understand Kyon's rationale for making the alternate!Nagato a special case based on the events of Disappearance. This Nagato here is neither that Nagato nor the real one, and having her around won't provide any solace to either.

Haruhi's suggestion that all the Endless Eight episodes were actually separate universes has potentially very serious ramifications, depending on exactly what their relation is to the base universe, but this issue is not explored at all, and both Haruhi and Kyon talk about it as if it were a good thing.

It is a positive thing that they decided to try and fix things together; however, it isn't at all self-evident that the solution is workable -- though addressing that properly would require another story at least as long as this one.