[Haruhi][Spoilers] The Insight of Haruhi Suzumiya

[sarsaparilla]

This is the project that I have been working on ever since I got The Shadow out of my hands, though the basic idea is much older. As will become rather obvious, I would have preferred to name it "The Renaissance of Haruhi Suzumiya" but since that title has been taken (apparently even several times already) I had to be content with something less poignant.

So, basic facts about the story: the second summer trip of the SOS Brigade (not to the expected destination), a divergent, novel-length adventure/drama/romance/slice-of-life past the events of book 11, Original Flavor with Kyon narrating, KyonxHaruhi with a happy ending.

If you want to enjoy the story unspoiled, in the chronological order, then you may have to wait for several months, because I don't write chronologically and the scale of this project is far greater than anything that I have done before. On the other hand, if you want to get involved (I don't personally mind spoilers, it's all about the journey rather than the destination) at an early stage then I'll be providing all the material right here at the pace it becomes available.

I have made the full summary available as an attachment. It gives a short overview of the whole story and then describes the events and rationale of the main story arc in detail, including the resolution.

Please be kind, this project means a lot to me (^_^')

Posts containing parts of the story get linked here for easy access

Prologue Part I
Prologue Part II

[Halbarad]

Since we've got spoilers marked in the title here, I'll forgo using spoiler tags in responding.

With the setting being in Rome, I'd address some of the natural concerns in taking that kind of trip - communication difficulties, and at least for Koizumi, the fact that he's going to be separated from his power base would likely be a concern. If you want to seed doubts or points of curiosity with Haruhi, you might also note that Yuki seems to be completely fluent in Italian, etc.

The later books have underlined a growing discrepancy between the actions of these two Haruhis. Where the student!Haruhi is kind, caring and considerate, the leader!Haruhi can be competitive, ruthless and manipulative like the most hardball CEO of a kaisha.

I'm not quite so sure that this divide is so sharp. Certainly, the idea that she can't find a happy medium from which to relate to Kyon works, but I suspect it's more because she's still somewhat lacking in empathy - not to the point where she doesn't care about other people, but in trying to see things from others' perspectives and relate to them with that in mind? Yeah, she'll likely always have trouble with that.

On day 6 (Rome II) Kyon is still ruminating his options when he is suddenly visited by adult!Asahina who doesn't want that Kyon tells Haruhi about her powers (too early for this timeline),

Mostly a pet peeve here, ignore at will. The idea of Mikuru at any age being manipulative is a really common (and personally irritating) interpretation of her; she never really shows much inclination towards this in the novels, aside from having a mostly unknown objective for a very long time - which is then clarified very well in book 11, and reveals that she's even more of an observer than Yuki is.

I understand that you're shooting for the brigade members to oppose what Kyon needs to do, but I'd tend to vote towards using Koizumi here more. It's probably recognized that I'm not a particular fan of his, but even setting my biases aside, he's still the most active hand in trying to influence Kyon - even if you approve of what he does, that's still far more true of him than anyone else. It does remove the option of a future!Kyon from the picture and the pre-written romance, but Koizumi could easily provide the latter, and a bit of introspection could give Kyon the perspective to see just how often Koizumi tries to manipulate/influence his interactions with Haruhi to get much the same effect.

Again, a big part of this suggestion is that the idea of a manipulative or activist!Mikuru just grates on me quite a bit, since 'conniving' isn't anything she ever really even shows hints of in the novels.

That night, during the horror play in the Catacombs of Domitilla IDSE overrides and takes direct control of Nagato and unbeknownst to the rest of the brigade she delivers Kyon to Asakura for safekeeping while IDSE deploys a false Kyon to join the brigade.

Ties in with the above; it's still quite doable, I'd just consider very carefully how to approach it. The IDSE is already concerned about the possibility of a reveal to Haruhi due to the existence of the trump card, and they obviously take it seriously since they haven't tried to remove Yuki since then. Having them assume direct control of Yuki strikes me as far too risky for them; incapacitating her or keeping her from interfering in some manner seems more likely. The rest of the setup with Asakura sounds fine, as long as we get the cheerful ax crazy going with it.

Honestly, this is partly character interpretation (not -directly- supported by canon), but the impression I've always gotten is that after Disappearance, Yuki's first allegiance is now to Kyon and by extension the rest of the brigade, given that he's effectively saved her life. I'd see her actually being supportive of Kyon's efforts, but explicitly told not to interfere by the IDSE.

Haruhi exorcises her power and the unbound energy makes all hell break loose (this is where the nearby volcano, suitably foreshadowed by a visit to Pompei before the arrival at Capri, enters the equation).

Uh, one issue with that. You've made a point of stating here that Haruhi's use of her powers is more or less forced to be unconscious. How then can she consciously remove them?

Overall, the idea looks like it's got a lot of potential; the tripping hazards I can see are in setting up the brigade members as too antagonistic (leaving Kyon without any support to deal with a destabilizing and panicking Haruhi), and overshooting Haruhi's accidental use of her powers and setting up some fridge horror with it.

Definitely something I'll be interested to watch as it comes out, though.

[Brian]

The later books have underlined a growing discrepancy between the actions of these two Haruhis. Where the student!Haruhi is kind, caring and considerate, the leader!Haruhi can be competitive, ruthless and manipulative like the most hardball CEO of a kaisha.

I'm not quite so sure that this divide is so sharp. Certainly, the idea that she can't find a happy medium from which to relate to Kyon works, but I suspect it's more because she's still somewhat lacking in empathy - not to the point where she doesn't care about other people, but in trying to see things from others' perspectives and relate to them with that in mind? Yeah, she'll likely always have trouble with that.

Interesting.  I actually saw that behavior as Haruhi being (non-violently) tsundere about the issue; she's not ... quite just going about it the wrong way and accidentally slipping into her leadership role; she's actually trying to use the guize of leadership as a pretense to press Kyon romantically (but also has to be ... somewhat subtle about this, because of what she's trying to do).

That's somewhat also reflected (I think) in the way that Haruhi tries to get Kyon to study with her at her house in book 8, and in book 9 actually uses the 'should show up late to make an impression' excuse to spend time with Kyon (and help him study).  I know I rave against tsundere Haruhi, but that's really the extreme/comic interpetation of 'tsundere', so toning that behavior down to something that wouldn't cause people to slap labels on a person in the real world feels like a good approach.

Er, if that wasn't quite well stated: I think that this is about as tsundere as Haruhi really gets; that feels true to her character.

That night, during the horror play in the Catacombs of Domitilla IDSE overrides and takes direct control of Nagato and unbeknownst to the rest of the brigade she delivers Kyon to Asakura for safekeeping while IDSE deploys a false Kyon to join the brigade.

Ties in with the above; it's still quite doable, I'd just consider very carefully how to approach it. The IDSE is already concerned about the possibility of a reveal to Haruhi due to the existence of the trump card, and they obviously take it seriously since they haven't tried to remove Yuki since then. Having them assume direct control of Yuki strikes me as far too risky for them; incapacitating her or keeping her from interfering in some manner seems more likely. The rest of the setup with Asakura sounds fine, as long as we get the cheerful ax crazy going with it.

Honestly, this is partly character interpretation (not -directly- supported by canon), but the impression I've always gotten is that after Disappearance, Yuki's first allegiance is now to Kyon and by extension the rest of the brigade, given that he's effectively saved her life. I'd see her actually being supportive of Kyon's efforts, but explicitly told not to interfere by the IDSE.

Hmm.  I pretty much agree with Hal that this approach could use a bit of refinement.  I'm ... not sure the IDSE can just hijack Yuki, and if they could, they'd be really careful that, considering Kyon (and that he's pretty close to effectively playing the trump card anyway).  If they have the power to isolate Kyon, replace him with a double, and override Yuki....

Possible other approaches: Kimidori confronts Kyon and explains the IDSE's stance while Nagato is with him for his protection, and Asakura runs the horror storyline (otherwise, events proceed as normal).  It'd let you also utilize the horror theme of the current arc from Kyon's PoV, since Nagato is with him, and he has to trust that Yasumi/Haruhi can keep the Brigade safe from Asakura.

Hmm.  Well.  I'm ... suddenly blanking, where I thought I had a few approaches.  Well, you can do better than what I'm throwing out there, I'm sure.

Anyway:

Please be kind, this project means a lot to me (^_^')

Hah, yes, I'll be good. >.>

However, eventually the dynamic of the situation becomes so obvious that even Kyon recognizes it and on the evening of day 5 (Rome I) Kyon and Haruhi have their first serious discussion (after a toga party arranged by Haruhi (When in Rome...)) where both of them know what is on the table. Kyon acknowledges that it's a package deal – he can't cherry-pick just the Haruhi that he wants, and is actually willing to consider a relationship, but then realizes that he can't have one in the current situation because Haruhi must know about her powers (and that Kyon knows about them as well, it's a trust issue for Kyon) before such a crucial decision. Kyon needs more time to reflect on it and the discussion ends in a stalemate. This is where the second part of the main story kicks in.

I like pretty much all of this.  Hmm.  Rather than make a long speech, I'll leave this link here, though, as it may be something to consider:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae

Which, incidentally, could be applied to Kyon's narration through the novels, but, hey....

However, Kyon doesn't particularly like his future self and realizes that if he blindly obeys what others say then that is what kind of a person he will eventually become.

I ... think that this will require a time-quake at some point in your story to justify/resolve the paradox, and be consistant with how the stories explain time travel.  But that's a minor detail, probably almost easily concealed in all of the other explosions (and the space-time bubbles) that are going to be set up.

However, Yasumi arrives to free Kyon and agrees with his intent. Before disappearing Yasumi creates a spacetime 'bubble' that shields the brigade members from their respective factions for the rest of the trip, but with the caveat that if things go wrong this particular branch of the timeline will disappear by the end of the trip and instead the default one where Kyon spent the last two days as an involuntary guest of IDSE will become the real one. After Kyon returns to the rest of the brigade Kyon, Nagato, Asahina and Koizumi hold an emergency meeting where Kyon gets a non-interference pledge from (the now released) Nagato, and while Asahina and Koizumi are against Kyon's plan they realize that they can't force Kyon into abandoning it.

I do like that you're using Yasumi, as that's an interesting angle that can get some development.  I also note that it seems that Haruhi (in this story) maybe uses Yasumi, a little bit, to channel frustrations that her Shinjin can't handle, by being more callous than Haruhi will allow herself to be around others?

Maybe I'm reading too much into the outline; it'd tie into the conflict between Haruhi's desires and facade, though.

Yeah, almost certainly I'm reading too much into it. :p

On the angle of Mikuru -- since her older self already pressured Kyon, this would actually be a good chance for you to (counter to Hal's suggestion of not making the older one manipulative (Hal and I do, unfortunately, tend to reinforce one-another's opinions maybe a bit too much, so I'm going to try and play devil's advocate here)) have this Mikuru defy her orders and support Kyon making his own decisions.  Mikuru's last real mentioned goal for character growth was to 'some day be the Mikuru that rescues Kyon'.  That may not happen here, but it'd be a nice nod to her character-growth goal to see her become more supportive and confident anyway.

This does leave Koizumi as the 'odd man out' in terms of opposing Kyon, but since I (personally) tend to be too harsh on Koizumi, let me go against myself and suggest that Koizumi can be thrown a bone here, too; he can present the opposition to Kyon as the Organization's goal, not his.  "My superiors have pressured me to relate things to you, though, what you do with this information is up to you...." etc.

Since you have them realizing they're not going to change Kyon's mind anyway, letting them explain the agendas of their superiors without actually approving them gives all three of them the same chance that is otherwise only given to Nagato: to state their own opinions and feelings on the subject and who they are, not just the goals of their organizations.

Admittedly, that's just one approach; if you're aiming for Kyon feeling alienated and unable to trust them as much at that moment (and thus more pressured to handle the situation with Haruhi on his own), then the revelations of their own goals and opinions can be held until after things are resolved or in a better situation to address.

I'm mostly only throwing this out because you were saying it was a longer story, and while your Haruhi/Kyon interactions are well mapped out, there's chances for the other characters to get some growth, too.

At that point, and based on poor communication and inadequate understanding of the situation, Haruhi is alone and decides that if her powers stand between him and Kyon, and that they are not doing anything good for her in any case, then what she wants is Kyon. Haruhi exorcises her power and the unbound energy makes all hell break loose (this is where the nearby volcano, suitably foreshadowed by a visit to Pompei before the arrival at Capri, enters the equation). Nagato, Asahina, Koizumi and Yasumi disappear (because without a personified power there aren't aliens, time travelers, espers, or indeed avatars of the said power) and Kyon must convince (by now completely terrified) Haruhi into reversing her decision before all the power has escaped. After the misunderstandings are corrected Haruhi is still not certain because she now also sees all the consequences of her powers (on the surface it looks like the responsibilities are far greater than the benefits). Kyon asks Haruhi to reach into his mind for a particular memory and they visit the Disappearance universe and witness a heartbroken alternate!Haruhi dump alternate!Koizumi on Christmas day. When Kyon tells Haruhi that everything that is better in the real world than the drab alternate world is a direct consequence of Haruhi's powers, Haruhi finally understands the whole situation and absorbs the power back. WAFF ensues.

I'm not a big fan of poor communication kills, but it's used as dramatic tension, not to compound other things, so I think I'll be okay with it here.

I like the idea that Kyon sees Haruhi's influence as beneficial to reality as a whole.

Ahm.  I think I'm about out of ideas to respond; I really like the sound of this one as you've outlined it, and am looking forward to seeing more. :)

[sarsaparilla]

With the setting being in Rome, I'd address some of the natural concerns in taking that kind of trip - communication difficulties, and at least for Koizumi, the fact that he's going to be separated from his power base would likely be a concern.

Arakawa (and possibly Mori if I actually spot some place where she's needed) will accompany the brigade until Yasumi seals off the outside influence. There may be a hint that those are not the only members of the Organization that are present until that point, either.

If you want to seed doubts or points of curiosity with Haruhi, you might also note that Yuki seems to be completely fluent in Italian, etc.

Nagato's fluency is to be expected, but I don't want to make the brigade members distrust each other at any point - they are in the same boat and only disagree on the best course of action.

The idea of Mikuru at any age being manipulative is a really common (and personally irritating) interpretation of her; she never really shows much inclination towards this in the novels

If the summary gives that impression then I have expressed the situation poorly. Adult!Asahina has given Kyon advise before in situations where she thought that Kyon would need it. Here she expresses the concern that Kyon is about to do something extremely risky, advises against it, and in the case that he won't listen to the advise she tries to help him by recruiting Kyon's older self who presumably is better in coming up with a romantic play that Haruhi would accept because Asahina knows that Kyon doesn't have a play prepared.

Yes, she tries to affect Kyon's decision but she doesn't have any hidden, underhanded motives for that.

I understand that you're shooting for the brigade members to oppose what Kyon needs to do, but I'd tend to vote towards using Koizumi here more.

Yes, Koizumi will certainly be the main day-to-day irritation of Kyon all the way through the trip. He'll be pushing Kyon for the relationship right until the events of day 6. After he realizes what the relationship entails he does a full turn for the rest of the trip. The reason why I didn't mention it in the summary is that in the greater scheme of things it is just that, an irritation without real influence.

The IDSE is already concerned about the possibility of a reveal to Haruhi due to the existence of the trump card, and they obviously take it seriously since they haven't tried to remove Yuki since then. Having them assume direct control of Yuki strikes me as far too risky for them; incapacitating her or keeping her from interfering in some manner seems more likely. The rest of the setup with Asakura sounds fine, as long as we get the cheerful ax crazy going with it.

Honestly, this is partly character interpretation (not -directly- supported by canon), but the impression I've always gotten is that after Disappearance, Yuki's first allegiance is now to Kyon and by extension the rest of the brigade, given that he's effectively saved her life. I'd see her actually being supportive of Kyon's efforts, but explicitly told not to interfere by the IDSE.

In my scenario IDSE takes control of Nagato when she is alone with Kyon (as an intended part of the horror play), so the rest of the brigade doesn't notice anything at the moment. Actually, where IDSE goes wrong is that subconscious!Haruhi spots the false Kyon and sends Yasumi to save the real one. After IDSE has been sealed out of the situation, it is just as you say. Nagato immediately pledges support (or what Kyon actually asks, non-interference) to Kyon.

Personally, I consider all of IDSE (except Nagato) the least trustworthy background faction, and here it's presented as essentially going into emergency mode.

Haruhi exorcises her power and the unbound energy makes all hell break loose (this is where the nearby volcano, suitably foreshadowed by a visit to Pompei before the arrival at Capri, enters the equation).

Uh, one issue with that. You've made a point of stating here that Haruhi's use of her powers is more or less forced to be unconscious. How then can she consciously remove them?

The actual impulse for her decision comes through her subconscious, which is also the active agent. Kyon has just caused an existential crisis on Yasumi who starts to doubt her values and motives after Kyon gives her a piece of his mind.

Furthermore, the story postulates that the relation between Haruhi and Yasumi is a bit like one between a master and a mischievous genie. The master makes a wish and the genie fulfills it (when certain conditions apply) in the way that it sees fit, and the result may or may not be what the master intended. However, when Haruhi wishes Yasumi away, it doesn't leave room for interpretation.

It ... will make sense in the context, I believe.

Overall, the idea looks like it's got a lot of potential; the tripping hazards I can see are in setting up the brigade members as too antagonistic (leaving Kyon without any support to deal with a destabilizing and panicking Haruhi), and overshooting Haruhi's accidental use of her powers and setting up some fridge horror with it.

I will try to avoid hammering wedges between any brigade members - they will always try to work for the common good but they may have conflicting views on how to do that. The background factions are treated with less trust and that is the main reason why they are removed from the game when it gets hot.

Concerning Haruhi's experiments with her powers, the pairing experiment will be the most dire example (and as mentioned, the one that gets Kyon so riled up that he (unintentionally) triggers the endgame). For the most part it will be harmless stuff like grass suddenly turning pink (as I try to keep in mind what kind of a person Yasumi is and what she might consider 'fun' or 'romantic').

Thanks for these comments, I'll be keeping them in mind as I work on the details.

[sarsaparilla]

I actually saw that behavior as Haruhi being (non-violently) tsundere about the issue; she's not ... quite just going about it the wrong way and accidentally slipping into her leadership role; she's actually trying to use the guize of leadership as a pretense to press Kyon romantically (but also has to be ... somewhat subtle about this, because of what she's trying to do).

Actually, if we talk about tsundere then I'd tend to say that if anything, Haruhi is an inverse tsundere. She shows both typical deredere and tsuntsun behaviors (and of course, much more), but in the opposite sense than an actual tsundere.

But of course, she doesn't have split personality or anything, the labels that I made up are just a mental aid in trying to map her main modes of operation.

That's somewhat also reflected (I think) in the way that Haruhi tries to get Kyon to study with her at her house in book 8, and in book 9 actually uses the 'should show up late to make an impression' excuse to spend time with Kyon (and help him study).

Yes, the 'study aid' was actually one of Haruhi's tactics that worked as intended (I think), and showed how Haruhi is slowly learning what works with Kyon and what doesn't.

I pretty much agree with Hal that this approach could use a bit of refinement.  I'm ... not sure the IDSE can just hijack Yuki, and if they could, they'd be really careful that, considering Kyon (and that he's pretty close to effectively playing the trump card anyway).  If they have the power to isolate Kyon, replace him with a double, and override Yuki....

I'm trying to present the situation in the light that the main point of day 5 (Kyon's and Haruhi's serious discussion) and the following consequences represent a very unexpected turn of events and after that all factions are basically working in emergency mode.

As a part of the play, Nagato already takes Kyon to a separate place in the catacombs, and that is where IDSE intervenes.

Rather than make a long speech, I'll leave this link here, though, as it may be something to consider:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae

Which, incidentally, could be applied to Kyon's narration through the novels, but, hey....

Thanks, will keep in mind.

I ... think that this will require a time-quake at some point in your story to justify/resolve the paradox, and be consistant with how the stories explain time travel.  But that's a minor detail, probably almost easily concealed in all of the other explosions (and the space-time bubbles) that are going to be set up.

The 'bubble' acts as one. While in effect, it is a kind of a pocket universe and it is implied that somewhere outside the 'larger' universe without Yasumi's intervention is proceeding at its own pace, and depending on what happens in the bubble it will either vanish without trace or replace the default universe at the time of expiration, thus causing a time quake.

I do like that you're using Yasumi, as that's an interesting angle that can get some development.  I also note that it seems that Haruhi (in this story) maybe uses Yasumi, a little bit, to channel frustrations that her Shinjin can't handle, by being more callous than Haruhi will allow herself to be around others?

I love the window into Haruhi's mind that Yasumi provides, and intend to use her to the full effect ^^

On the angle of Mikuru -- since her older self already pressured Kyon, this would actually be a good chance for you to (counter to Hal's suggestion of not making the older one manipulative (Hal and I do, unfortunately, tend to reinforce one-another's opinions maybe a bit too much, so I'm going to try and play devil's advocate here)) have this Mikuru defy her orders and support Kyon making his own decisions.  Mikuru's last real mentioned goal for character growth was to 'some day be the Mikuru that rescues Kyon'.  That may not happen here, but it'd be a nice nod to her character-growth goal to see her become more supportive and confident anyway.

Ok, I'll seriously have to reconsider the angle I'll be using for her. I want it to look like she's doing her best to help, but also that at the end she will find the situation better than before.

This does leave Koizumi as the 'odd man out' in terms of opposing Kyon, but since I (personally) tend to be too harsh on Koizumi, let me go against myself and suggest that Koizumi can be thrown a bone here, too; he can present the opposition to Kyon as the Organization's goal, not his.  "My superiors have pressured me to relate things to you, though, what you do with this information is up to you...." etc.

I assume that the Organization was not aware of Kyon's intentions until they were pre-emptively sealed out, leaving Koizumi free to act as he sees best. Furthermore, because Yasumi is working with Kyon for a common goal (at least until the endgame) and is happy with that, Koizumi is puzzled when Haruhi is enraged but it doesn't cause closed space.

I think that I'll have to add one more discussion between Kyon and Yasumi at some earlier point in the story. It could be one of the triggers for day 5, and make the time when she's needed for saving Kyon less of a Deus Ex Machina.

Since you have them realizing they're not going to change Kyon's mind anyway, letting them explain the agendas of their superiors without actually approving them gives all three of them the same chance that is otherwise only given to Nagato: to state their own opinions and feelings on the subject and who they are, not just the goals of their organizations.

Yes, I intended to have that angle for the emergency meeting that ends day 6. They do not mistrust each other at any point.

I'm mostly only throwing this out because you were saying it was a longer story, and while your Haruhi/Kyon interactions are well mapped out, there's chances for the other characters to get some growth, too.

I was hoping to be able to have a closer look at the rest of the brigade members during their respective themed activities.

I'm not a big fan of poor communication kills, but it's used as dramatic tension, not to compound other things, so I think I'll be okay with it here.

It will be quite the challenge to play it in a way that is natural (if unfortunate) instead of just making rounds with the Idiot Ball.

I like the idea that Kyon sees Haruhi's influence as beneficial to reality as a whole.

I believe that Kyon's point is ultimately valid -- the difference between the two worlds is exactly that Haruhi doesn't have powers in the alternate one. If I can play it right it will be at the same time the crowning moment of heartbreaking and heartwarming for the story.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

[Brian]

Actually, if we talk about tsundere then I'd tend to say that if anything, Haruhi is an inverse tsundere. She shows both typical deredere and tsuntsun behaviors (and of course, much more), but in the opposite sense than an actual tsundere.

But of course, she doesn't have split personality or anything, the labels that I made up are just a mental aid in trying to map her main modes of operation.

I think that ties into my 'as close as you can get to tsundere while being realistic' point.  So, maybe, it would be better to say it as, "Haruhi has tsundere leanings/behaviors at times"?

Yes, the 'study aid' was actually one of Haruhi's tactics that worked as intended (I think), and showed how Haruhi is slowly learning what works with Kyon and what doesn't.

Hmm.  Yeah, I can see that.

As a part of the play, Nagato already takes Kyon to a separate place in the catacombs, and that is where IDSE intervenes.

Huh.  I just got the idea that for Nagato's horror story, everyone's afraid of the same thing ... Kyon going away. o_O?

Thanks, will keep in mind.

Well, remember the last note of the article, which is that the entire thing may also be a bit overstated, too; food for thought, but don't let it influence you too much. :)

I do like that you're using Yasumi, as that's an interesting angle that can get some development.  I also note that it seems that Haruhi (in this story) maybe uses Yasumi, a little bit, to channel frustrations that her Shinjin can't handle, by being more callous than Haruhi will allow herself to be around others?

I love the window into Haruhi's mind that Yasumi provides, and intend to use her to the full effect ^^

There's also the idea that if Yasumi can get (at times) to be an independant person, does she want to do things that Haruhi can't/won't, too?  Possibly even moreso, because Haruhi is supressing herself at the moment?

Ok, I'll seriously have to reconsider the angle I'll be using for her. I want it to look like she's doing her best to help, but also that at the end she will find the situation better than before.

Simple enough; she just needs to believe she's doing the right thing.

...wow, that sounded remarkably callous of me.  Er.  Discussing morality in fiction ... I think after this I should take a break from all the C&Cing/character discussion I've been getting into the last few days! :p

Anyway.  If the adult!Mikuru that shows up first believes that she's doing the right thing, it shouldn't be too hard to present that view.  Probably, the best tool to convey that things aren't right with that future would be through the alternate future!Kyon, instead of her.

There's a lot of ways to play that, I suppose.  At any rate, I am sure I can trust you to handle it well. :)

I assume that the Organization was not aware of Kyon's intentions until they were pre-emptively sealed out, leaving Koizumi free to act as he sees best. Furthermore, because Yasumi is working with Kyon for a common goal (at least until the endgame) and is happy with that, Koizumi is puzzled when Haruhi is enraged but it doesn't cause closed space.

I think that I'll have to add one more discussion between Kyon and Yasumi at some earlier point in the story. It could be one of the triggers for day 5, and make the time when she's needed for saving Kyon less of a Deus Ex Machina.

It sounds like these interactions could very well be some of the most critical in the story (as well as interesting ... Kyon having frank discussions with the manifestation of Haruhi's psyche is a pretty engaging idea!).

I was hoping to be able to have a closer look at the rest of the brigade members during their respective themed activities.

Ah; looking forward to that, then!

I like the idea that Kyon sees Haruhi's influence as beneficial to reality as a whole.

I believe that Kyon's point is ultimately valid -- the difference between the two worlds is exactly that Haruhi doesn't have powers in the alternate one. If I can play it right it will be at the same time the crowning moment of heartbreaking and heartwarming for the story.

I can see the potential for both; I'll be looking forward to seeing more of this, then. :)

Again, thanks for the feedback!

Glad to help~!

[sarsaparilla]

There's also the idea that if Yasumi can get (at times) to be an independant person, does she want to do things that Haruhi can't/won't, too?  Possibly even moreso, because Haruhi is supressing herself at the moment?

That is pretty much the way I see Yasumi, she is completely unconcerned about how others perceive her actions (it is first an endearing, childlike trait of hers but once she does things that Kyon disapproves of he starts to see it as a shortcoming instead), and on her own she definitely does things that Haruhi wouldn't do in the same situation (as an example, after she has released Kyon she tells that Haruhi is going to reprimand Kyon for something that the false Kyon did, asks that Kyon won't be mad at her for that and then kisses Kyon on the cheek as a compensation in advance). Kyon is still not happy to receive blame for something that he didn't do, and this has a minor effect on where things go from that point.

But if I follow your suggestion below, this can be taken to a whole new level.

I think that I'll have to add one more discussion between Kyon and Yasumi at some earlier point in the story. It could be one of the triggers for day 5, and make the time when she's needed for saving Kyon less of a Deus Ex Machina.

It sounds like these interactions could very well be some of the most critical in the story (as well as interesting ... Kyon having frank discussions with the manifestation of Haruhi's psyche is a pretty engaging idea!).

Wow. Now that you mentioned it ... it's something that I definitely must do. Besides that it will be a pretty interesting new dynamic to the story, it is a great device to frame the process through which Kyon slowly warms up to the idea of having a relationship with Haruhi. Instead of going through endless monologues he can discuss the issues with Yasumi! Also, when played right it will establish the pattern that when Haruhi is displeased with Kyon he will get a visit from Yasumi (and there will be many opportunities for that during the trip!), something that is (most likely) needed during the endgame.

Oh dear, this will be one busy trip for Kyon! ^^ (And as always, I'm extremely grateful for these comments and ideas.)

[Arakawa]

I'm still trying to understand how you're planning to present the nature of Haruhi's power. It seems to stray a bit close to "Haruhi was initially a warper, but most of her abilities have passed to Yasumi". That's... a bit creepy, actually, since Yasumi is self-aware and childlike/amoral and she presumably has privileged access to the contents of Haruhi's mind.

Most of these problems can probably be solved if you make it more that Yasumi isn't a separate person, so much as a projection of Haruhi's inner frustrations/desires.

Also, if you want to develop a theory where Haruhi's powers are purely subconscious/superconscious but she can still exert some measure of control over them in the story, one possible suggestion is familiarizing yourself with Steve Pavlina's take on Intention-Manifestation

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/manifesting-intentions/ (this is probably the most Haruhi-like take on the subject on his blog, but you can of course click around to related articles which use a different metaphor to explain the notion)

and assume that Haruhi's powers are more or less a supercharged version of I-M. So obviously she would have extreme difficulty controlling her powers consciously even if she knew about them, just like reading that blog article wouldn't instantly turn you into a reality warper :-)

Yasumi gets an opportunity to act out the divide between what Haruhi is trying to focus on creating (consciously or unconsciously), and what her actual focus ends up being.

I ... think that this will require a time-quake at some point in your story to justify/resolve the paradox, and be consistant with how the stories explain time travel.  But that's a minor detail, probably almost easily concealed in all of the other explosions (and the space-time bubbles) that are going to be set up.

The 'bubble' acts as one. While in effect, it is a kind of a pocket universe and it is implied that somewhere outside the 'larger' universe without Yasumi's intervention is proceeding at its own pace, and depending on what happens in the bubble it will either vanish without trace or replace the default universe at the time of expiration, thus causing a time quake.

A... generalized theory of reality warping might have closed spaces serve as an 'overlay dimension' where the warper wants to test a complicated change that they're not 100% sure they want to commit to. Once they're certain that the stuff in the closed space is what they want, they can collapse it over whatever portion of space-time it's based on (overwriting it in what, to the time-travelers, looks like a spontaneous timequake).

So, if used properly, a closed space just provides an additional layer of safety, isolating a major change to reality so the warper can observe and verify firsthand whether they want to enact it in the real world or not.

Since Haruhi is unaware of her own closed spaces, she doesn't have very much control and doesn't know how to fill them with anything other than celestials and espers -- I think book 11 even uses the metaphor that early usage of her powers amounted to someone trying to write coherent text by pounding randomly on a keyboard.

Yasumi, since presumably you have her as a childlike, self-aware reality warper, is able to simply create a closed space in which she gives Kyon a chance to create the desired outcome and then if he succeeds the space collapses over top of whatever real part of Italy it's been taken from.

Not sure whose terminology for Yasumi's space-time bubble / closed space I like better here, yours or mine.

[sarsaparilla]

I'm still trying to understand how you're planning to present the nature of Haruhi's power. It seems to stray a bit close to "Haruhi was initially a warper, but most of her abilities have passed to Yasumi". That's... a bit creepy, actually, since Yasumi is self-aware and childlike/amoral and she presumably has privileged access to the contents of Haruhi's mind.

Most of these problems can probably be solved if you make it more that Yasumi isn't a separate person, so much as a projection of Haruhi's inner frustrations/desires.

The nature of the different facets of Haruhi is the main psychological/philosophical layer of the work, and something that was only indirectly referred to in the summary. In canon, all the three main facets were initially (around book 1) one inseparable jumble, but as time passes they slowly diverge in their own directions. Yasumi is the warper!Haruhi, and has been that from day one, it's just that she didn't have a physical manifestation until recently. She is also a projection of Haruhi's subconsciousness, but (because of the personality drift) for almost all practical purposes she can be treated as a separate personality of her own (and the aspects of this unique configuration are then examined during the story). Yasumi has access to Haruhi's mind but the reverse is not true, and Yasumi sees herself as (a part of) Haruhi (she refers to Haruhi as 'me' when talking to Kyon). This is a key point of the story because Kyon's last discussion with Yasumi makes her re-assess this relationship between the conscious and subconscious mind.

But ... all this philosophical stuff will be broken into tiny pieces and served alongside an actual story to avoid pages and pages of thumb-twiddling ruminations, so that the work remains readable as a novel instead of an example of extreme author indulgence.

Also, if you want to develop a theory where Haruhi's powers are purely subconscious/superconscious but she can still exert some measure of control over them in the story, one possible suggestion is familiarizing yourself with Steve Pavlina's take on Intention-Manifestation

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/manifesting-intentions/ (this is probably the most Haruhi-like take on the subject on his blog, but you can of course click around to related articles which use a different metaphor to explain the notion)

and assume that Haruhi's powers are more or less a supercharged version of I-M. So obviously she would have extreme difficulty controlling her powers consciously even if she knew about them, just like reading that blog article wouldn't instantly turn you into a reality warper :-)

Yes, that is somewhere along the lines I was thinking about, but the most obvious point of the blog post is that it illustrates why Haruhi can still, after all this time, be unaware of her powers when a superficial examination would suggest that it is almost impossible to not notice that there's something funny going on. (On a somewhat unrelated note, the blogger fails Popper, or specifically the concept of falsifiability.) I'll be working with the hypothesis that Haruhi knows that there's something funny going on (in this respect the Snow Mountain incident is the definite watershed), but that she ultimately finds seeking something more fun than actually finding it (which goes back to the initial premise that the world is already the way Haruhi wants it).

Not sure whose terminology for Yasumi's space-time bubble / closed space I like better here, yours or mine.

Well, at least we seem to agree with the general principle :) It isn't a closed space in the conventional sense (because otherwise Koizumi could use his powers) and doesn't have a direct equivalent in canon, but it has some properties of both the time loop of Endless Eight (just not the loop itself) and the branching of books 9-11. A custom tailored piece of Applied Phlebotinum to enable the desired plot, I guess.

Thanks for the comments!

[Arakawa]

(On a somewhat unrelated note, the blogger fails Popper, or specifically the concept of falsifiability.)

I sort of get the sense he does that deliberately, in order to lock himself out of an objective way of looking at things and into the weird reality-warper way of looking at things. It's very consciously a not-'sane' method of looking at goal achievement, a sort of 'applied wishful thinking' if you will...

It's worth noting that recently the guy has become even more extreme in terms of how strongly he phrases the theory. Now he's on Subjective Reality, where he claims that the universe is embedded within the observing mind and not the other way around =:-[

I don't know, I just like being exposed to weird perspectives on such things and I particularly like the unexpected Haruhi parallels that Pavlina gets into. It's fairly audacious to go and state in all seriousness that basically everyone in the universe is a reality warper.

Getting the sense from your lukewarm reaction to this idea (basically boiling down to "uh, okaaaay...") that this is going to remain very much my own angle on Haruhi to explore...

It isn't a closed space in the conventional sense (because otherwise Koizumi could use his powers)

I don't think that's an essential requirement of closed space. Sasaki's construct, for instance, is still called a closed space even though it's completely undetectable to Koizumi and indeed Kyouko's interaction with it doesn't really follow any of the same principles... the etymology of the term itself merely requires it to be some localized, enclosed pocket of space-time which is separate from the parent universe.

[sarsaparilla]

Prologue I

As I have never written anything of this magnitude before, this project is very much a learning experience for me. My earlier stories have been something that just emerges more or less ready-made from the deep recesses of the subconsciousness, and my task has been just to write them down. Now, however, I'm trying to wrestle the control of the process to my conscious self and the difference is pretty similar to the one between normal and lucid dreams. Being in charge is more tiresome and requires caution to avoid accidentally breaking things, but conscious control gives me freedom to go where I want myself, and I've already found out that I'm enjoying the feeling immensely. The direct consequence is that the overall style and atmosphere of this story is quite unlike anything that I've written before, and I'm not yet sure whether the change is for the better.

So, please find attached the first part of the first chapter of the story. The chapter was ballooning out of control so I decided to split it in two for now, although I'm unsure how to handle the situation when actually publishing it. On one hand, I wouldn't want to open a new story with a 15k word whopper that scares away the majority of potential readers by its sheer size. On the other hand, this first half of the chapter is not an independent entity. It doesn't have the proper structure, it doesn't resolve anything (or make much sense on its own), and most importantly, there is a conspicuous lack of incentives to continue reading the story. Thus, I'm not completely happy with the situation but will try to manage it once the second half is ready as well.

Edit: attachment updated on Nov 17, 5th revision.

[Muphrid]

Although spring is my favorite season, summer comes right behind, and not just literally speaking. Like peasants enduring through the hardship of the rice planting season, knowing that the arduous toiling will soon be over and there will be a short respite before the fruits of the invested labor can be collected, students had been working hard ever since the beginning of the new school year and now the long awaited summer vacation was finally so close that it was turning from a distant reverie into a tangible possibility. Although summer shousho was still ahead, the weather had been fair with ever increasing temperatures for two weeks already, and to teachers' eternal exasperation, the persistent sunshine was slowly but surely wearing down students' last shreds of determination to sit quietly inside, reading about mind-numbing topics like function theory, verb conjugation or the power struggles of the Kamakura period.

Repetition of season here; I would suggest, for example, "spring is my favorite time of year" as replacing the second wouldn't make sense.  Also, rice-planting, I think.  The use of shousho is not entirely clear to me.

This was my second summer as a high school student, but in a sense it was the first one when I actually felt more or less like an actual student, enjoying the steady and predictable schedule of school activities with normal, everyday thoughts in my mind. Mostly normal thoughts, and those thoughts that went beyond what any average person could possibly categorize as normal weren't that unwelcome either. I realized, to my own mild astonishment, that on the whole I was more satisfied with the current situation than perhaps ever since entering high school and meeting the person who would turn my entire world upside down like an irresistible force of nature.

I suggest removing perhaps.  It breaks up a common phrase and thus draws undue attention to itself.

As long as I live I'll never be able to forget that name, and one of the reasons for that was exactly that I had spent a large part of the last summer in a constant state of emergency, trying to avert an impending end-of-the-world disaster that always seemed to be just one poorly chosen word or inadvertent action away. Since that time things had gotten better, so much better in fact that right now I could sit here on the school premises and enjoy the agreeable atmosphere of an early afternoon in the joujun of July, completely confident of the fact that any sudden disturbances couldn't take it away from me. For most people it might be a sign of foolishness to express excessive confidence in future events, but I had a very specific reason for my seemingly bold statement.

There are a couple thats in the first sentence, and removing one of them might be helpful.  I recommend ending the sentence at name and restructuring the following phrase into a sentence of its own.

Again, I'm not especially familiar with an extensive Japanese vocabulary.  The menaing of joujun was not something I could immediately fathom from context here.  If you feel that trying to make that clear would slow down the story too much, perhaps a short listing of definitions at the end of the chapter would do?

Having originally been the direct threat to the world as we knew it, Haruhi's ability to subconsciously alter reality had later become a source of stability instead. The last time when an external force had tried to divert the course of history from its proper path had been in April, and the attempt had been swiftly and decisively thwarted, in a manner that underlined the fact that the scheme hadn't had any chance of succeeding in the first place. Maybe such an overwhelming show of force was acting as a preventive measure, making any potential antagonists think twice before they pushed forward with their futile plans. Whichever way it was, the SOS Brigade had been enjoying an extended period of relatively peaceful and untroubled existence for over two months already, and I wasn't going to be the one to complain about it.

I think later may not make sense here; Kyon's narrative tense has bothered me a bit in the novels.  He tends to narrate like he's writing very shortly after real time.  Had become ought to be fine.  I'd remove the when after "The last time...".  Also, "Whichever way it was" seems awkward.  Perhaps "Whatever it was"?  Instead of "had been enjoying," perhaps "had enjoyed"?  And for the similar reasons, remove already?

...you know, looking at all that closer, those suggestions about tense and time-related words all seem linked.  Hold that thought.

However, the largest change could be seen in Haruhi herself if one knew where to look. She was still just as energetic and excitable as ever, and would on occasion get some new idea that temporarily turned her immediate surroundings into a hotbed of more or less questionable activities, but anybody who observed it on a merely superficial level would miss the most important development. As much as it strains the definition of the word to say this, Haruhi was undeniably becoming more normal.

just seems unnecessary and can be optionally removed.  The comma after ever makes this a bit grammatically weird.  Also, suggest "observed her" instead of "observed it"?

The few city-wide mystery searches that we had had after the SOS Brigade anniversary in May had turned into poorly concealed excuses for window shopping, and Haruhi had apparently been completely content with that. Beyond the brigade activities, she was also interacting with other people on a daily basis, and I was pretty certain that these days she was genuinely enjoying the company of perfectly ordinary students like Sakanaka-san. Actually, when Haruhi was not using her position as the leader of the brigade to push issues in the direction she wanted, she could present an entirely engaging and sociable aspect of herself to others.

poorly-concealed.

In my opinion, it was not as much a matter of her growing up into a better person, as it was one of her once again becoming the nice person she had originally been, and I had several good reasons for believing so after all the things that I had learned during the incident in April.

There seem to be several instances here where contractions are avoided when they would make the narrative snappier.  The structure of the first sentence is a bit clumsy.  You could end it at person and begin a new sentence as "Rather, she'd returned to being the nice person..." but that doesn't seem, well, quite so snappy either.

This completely unnecessary comment was provided by the person currently sitting idly next to me on the stairs leading down to the baseball field where the all stars team of North High was having a match against a visiting team from another school. Other than whatever meager pride we could muster to support the home team, neither of us had any personal interest in the current match, and thus we sat there listlessly like two old cormorant fishers, content with the opportunity to just enjoy the scenery and let others do the hard work. A moment of silent indulgence would have suited me perfectly, but the official mysterious transfer student and vice president of the SOS Brigade felt compelled to keep talking without any further encouragement to do so.

That's a long first sentence.  I'd delete currently, end the sentence at me, and just insert some innocent verb to get, say, "On the stairs leading to the baseball field, Koizumi and I watched the North High All-Stars meet a visiting team from another school."  Otherwise, Kyon's usual exasperation with Koizumi is rendered perfectly.

Actually...why would a high school have an all-star team?  Do they do that there?

"My current smile is completely genuine and heartfelt. There has not been a single instance of closed space forming after that incident in April, which means that the first time in four years I get to sleep through the night unperturbed. I was not even fully aware of how large a burden the eternal vigilance had become until this reprieve. Quite honestly, I am feeling refreshed, almost like a different person, and I sincerely hope for things to stay this way."

This would be improved if Kyon had mentioned Koizumi's shifty smiles in the preceding paragraph.  Suggest more contractions again.

Koizumi paused momentarily to watch as a fortuitously placed line drive brought a run for the home team, and chuckled before continuing.

Possibly brought in instead.  That would strike me as slightly more typical in baseball usage.

"Still, there has been some minor consternation within the Organization concerning the current situation. From a certain point of view, right now we are essentially an agency without a purpose. Speaking of which, I must say that I can completely sympathize with the situation Tachibana-san is facing. I have understood that she has been having a hard time after she left her respective faction, and it looks like their whole organization might be on the verge of collapse."

And, more contractions.  For the last sentence, the tense also serves to make things a bit odd.  Something like "I understand she's had a difficult time after leaving her respective faction..."

Since you continue with Koizumi's dialogue, the correct punctuation for this paragraph is not to close the quotation mark.

"Then, you know as much about the whereabouts of the other members of the anti-SOS Brigade as I do. Ever since the joining of the timelines in April there has not been a single sighting of the person known as Fujiwara, so we might have gotten permanently rid of him, although it goes without saying that one can never be completely certain when it comes to time travelers. On the other hand, that alien interface of the Sky Canopy Dominion is still attending Kouyouen and does not seem to be interested in communicating with us at the moment. Of course, I am not privy to whatever communications the two alien factions might be having with each other. That is the current situation, and there are not any discernible forces acting toward destabilizing it."

It seems odd for Koizumi to refer to them as an "anti-SOS Brigade".  Wouldn't he favor more neutral phrases like "our counterparts for Sasaki(-san)" and such?

I'll stop mentioning them, but yeah, contractions.  I also suggest the alien interface instead of that and possibly "seems uninterested" instead of "does not seem to be interested" as well as "there are no discernable forces" instead of "there are not any".

I must give you credit for not counting Sasaki among the members of the anti-SOS Brigade.

I don't find that phrase (anti-SOS Brigade) anywhere in the 9-11 text.  It seems even more unusual for Kyon to refer to them that way unless it was someone's idea to do so.

Koizumi stopped talking and I spent some time watching other students at the perimeter of the field before concentrating on the game again. It looked like the match was wrapping up, and unless the visiting team would make an unexpected comeback the home team would take an easy win after the last inning. Because of that I wasn't particularly interested in waiting until the game was over, so I stood up and headed back to the main building. Koizumi was not in a hurry and was determined to stay until the end of the match, so as I walked away he just reminded that we'd be seeing each other after the school hours again.

You want a comma after talking.  Instead of "spent some time watching," perhaps just watched?  Intead of "would make" try "could make"?  A comma after comeback and end that sentence at win or, instead, be more specific, like "after the next half-inning"?  Try "Koizumi was in no hurry and resolved to stay through the end of the match" to remove not, and "after the school hours" seems odd.

In July it was already way too late to catch May sickness, and in any case Haruhi was never sick in the first place, but I was almost certain that there was something in her mind that she was holding back. On occasion, she would abruptly stop talking, even in the middle of a sentence, and stay silent for a good while before continuing with some other, completely unrelated topic. Or, she might suddenly lose all interest in a particular idea that she had only a moment ago pursued like it was her entire raison d'etre, and just sit still for ages, contemplating some inner vision she wasn't willing to share with others. I had previously seen what Haruhi looked like when she was bored, annoyed or just dispirited, and this spell was none of those. It wasn't even the muted aura of a Haruhi who was secretly hatching a new plan for making the world a more interesting place. No, there was something else, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was and there wouldn't be any point in asking, anyway.

Suggest removing the comma after "raison d'etre" and adding one after "I couldn't figure out what it was".

It wasn't exactly a regular or a particularly systematic curriculum, as Haruhi followed her own interests and lines of thought that were as unfathomable as the migration patterns of bluefin tuna in the uncharted depths of the ocean, sometimes pressing a certain topic for two or three days in a row and then forgetting the whole thing for several days, so that I already started to suspect that she had lost all interest in the project until she picked up the books again.

You might consider doing something about the repetition of days.  Perhaps replace the first one with lectures.

Whatever I thought in general about being the focus of Haruhi's sporadic efforts of making the world a more learned place, even if only by a vanishingly small amount in total, I had to admit that her approach was working. After a long, depressing downward slope that had dominated my performance record for the entire first year there had recently been a definite turn for the better, and although I wasn't anywhere near the top of the list like Haruhi, it had started to look less likely that I would be doomed to spend time as a ronin after the high school.

The first sentence is a bit meandering.  I suggest "of making" -> "to make" and perhaps kill what comes after place.

Besides having my own grades on the rise, I had also gradually started to understand how Haruhi could always get top scores in every exam without seemingly doing any work at all. It wasn't so much a matter of being able to rapidly pick up new facts, as it was about picking up the right facts and ignoring everything else, something that Haruhi seemed to be able to do intuitively, without even realizing that it was a feat beyond the abilities of most students, myself including. If anything, I felt that on my own I somehow always managed to pick up the exactly wrong facts on any topic, providing me with an endless supply of utterly useless information.

including or included?  Otherwise, a clever paragraph.  I chuckled a bit.

Thus, the situation was slowly undermining my confidence in the entire educational system, if most of the material that we were required to go through was only there to make it harder to find the few important bits in the middle of all the chaff. Who knows, some day Haruhi might be in a position to revolutionize the entire learning process, and it would probably be something that she would do without even noticing it. It would be all in a day's work for her, considering all the other things that she had created inadvertently, like that brigade logo that attracted data beings, or the literature club editorial column that according to Asahina-san contained the founding principles of time traveling technology. Come to think about it, what hidden secrets might still be contained in the movie that we had made for the culture festival? Maybe in a hundred years' time people would be able to decrypt the ultimate answer to life, universe and everything from that movie? In a chance event like that, I wasn't quite certain whether I should feel proud or embarrassed about my part in it all.

This paragraph works, but I fear it may fall victim to a tendency to be too referential.  A hurricane of canon references is something I try to avoid (and probably don't always succeed) because it's all information we already know.  Your mileage may vary, though.

Anyway, even my tender and eternally concerned mother who had raised me had already noticed the change, and had tried to find out the specific reason through circumspect and seemingly offhand questions. Evading my mother's inquiries made me feel somewhat conflicted. On one hand, I was receiving undue merit as long as she suspected that I had achieved the results through my own diligent effort, and on the other hand the situation would become even more complicated if I told her the real reason behind my improving grades. For all I knew my mother would probably insist to have Haruhi visiting us, maybe even regularly, so that my mother would get a chance to show her gratitude, and since Haruhi wasn't really used to receiving praise for the things she did on her own volition, she might decide to drop the whole project permanently, leaving me to my own devices again.

"who had raised me" can be cut.  Otherwise, this line of reasoning seems like a very plausible Haruhi-esque reaction.

"Hiyas, how are you? Saw you there and remembered that there's something that I must asks about the summer vacation. Are you still intending to come and visit that castle that we've talked about. I would need to know soon to have enough time for the arrangements."

"about?"

I didn't see you around on the sports field. Have you been here for the whole time?

Clearly this is Kyon's dialogue.  I've abused this device a good bit, actually.  I won't mention it again, but I would advise some caution with this.  I feel that the best imitation of Tanigawa's style is to use this sparingly and, even then, only when it's ambiguous whether Kyon is talking or thinking.  Do what feels right, though.

"Kyon! Sometimes I really doubt whether you have what it takes to be a member of the SOS Brigade. You should be cheering for the home team, not jeering!"

This is a great line.

Haruhi stared me with the unflinching focus of a martial artist who had just issued a formal challenge to an opponent of questionable prowess. So, humankind as a whole was still falling short of Haruhi's extremely rigorous standards, but there wasn't much I could do about it. On the other hand, Haruhi certainly could but she hadn't tried anything as drastic as completely rewriting the world after that one fateful night, the details of which I couldn't possibly think about too closely in the current situation. Since then a bit over a year had already passed, and while there had been several unpleasant and some truly dangerous incidents along the way, it was my steadfast opinion that on the average the change was for the better. In the end I made only one statement that was undeniably true.

Suggest a comma at "Haruhi certainly could".

I expected to be served a swift retort as I saw that Haruhi was already in full swing like a national league hitter, ready for driving my lazy pitch right out of the field, but then she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked me directly in the eyes for a fraction of a second, as if having second thoughts about her intended reply, before snapping her mouth shut without saying a word and turning her head to the side again. I could see that she was muttering something to her reflection in the window, but I couldn't hear what it was because of the general din caused by other students returning to the class.

National League.  Or perhaps one of the NPB leagues?

Soon thereafter the teacher arrived and the normal afternoon schedule commenced.

You could plausibly end the prologue at this break.  It's not complete by any stretch, and perhaps it would need a bit more of a conclusive line to act as a real hook, but it could be done.  Otherwise, from a literary standpoint, Tanigawa had no problem with crazy-long prologues, so I don't see why there should be a problem here.

During the third year of high school I might indeed have my hands full of work with the preparations for university exams but right now that milestone was still too far away to start worrying about, and I spent the afternoon hours in a state of halfhearted indolence, like an old, lazy dog basking in the shadow of the front porch of a country house, paying only a nominal amount of attention to the topic of each lesson. If her overall demeanor was anything to go by, Haruhi was probably even more absent-minded than me, but at least she didn't sleep during the classes as had been her habit during the first year. Then again, she didn't seem to be inclined to share her current thoughts with me either, and I willingly left it at that.

Comma after "preparations for university exams".  The construction "right now that milestone was" is awkward and gets to the tense trouble I have with Kyon's narration.  "At that moment" or "that milestone is" would be more consistent, but both lose the duality between Kyon the narrator and Kyon the character whose story is unfolding here.  It's...difficult.

I remembered that Asahina-san had been depressed earlier this year. I had noticed it and we had discussed the issue, at least to the extent it was possible to have a meaningful conversation without causing some weird temporal paradox by accidentally revealing information that the other shouldn't have known at that point. I had thought that the situation had been more or less solved and as far as I could tell, right now Asahina-san looked like her usual self, or maybe even a bit more cheerful than before. If that was the case then why would Tsuruya suspect that Asahina-san was having some trouble related to the brigade? I couldn't find any apparent reason but there had to be one since Tsuruya wouldn't say such things unless she had noticed something. On the other hand, I couldn't possibly ask Asahina-san about it directly because Tsuruya had specifically told that I shouldn't do anything. I just had to keep my eyes open and wait for any further advancements.

This paragraph has the same issue with "right now she was" sort of thing.

Incidentally, that reminded me about the secret Mikuru folder on the club computer. I had finally gathered enough determination and permanently deleted the folder with its contents in late April. It hadn't been an easy decision but most certainly the right one. If Yasumi could find the folder so easily then it would be only a matter of time until Haruhi did the same by accident, and that wasn't a risk I was willing to take at this point. Now, after Tsuruya's remark, I actually felt relieved by the knowledge that the compromising photos couldn't be the cause of Asahina-san's trouble, whatever it was.

This is a good paragraph.  There's a good amount of subtext to be read into it, which as always may or may not have been intended.

"This is Hakase-san, the estate gardener. He already knows what you're looking for and will show you around. I must go and change clothes but if you need anything else just let me know. Laters!"

Why, Hakase-san, you seem very familiar...


Overall:  the narration seems very natural.  It sounds like Kyon, and that's the most important thing.  All the nit-picking above over style and stuff is really quite minor compared to that.  I'd avoided to some extent the outline and other information you had before, but I know the basic thrust of what's to come.  In that respect, I feel like this might be a bit slow to develop, but not unduly so.  On finishing this part, it does seem like dividing at the first break might be inappropriate, as it doesn't catch what Kyon's done here in going to the Tsuruya estate, so that question may still take some thought.

On the whole, though, you should be very happy with this piece so far.  It's very good.

[sarsaparilla]

I'm very grateful for the feedback, especially everything related to style.

The use of shousho is not entirely clear to me.

It's a seasonal word that doesn't have any counterpart in English, but anchors the time-line of the story more accurately than just the name of the month (it will be relevant in the second part of the chapter). The same is true for the second gratuitous word joujun; basically, the story starts between 1th and 6th of July.

It's not necessary to know these to enjoy the story, though, as I put them in just to give the passage a bit of local flavor.

Actually...why would a high school have an all-star team?  Do they do that there?

To be quite honest, I know absolutely nothing about baseball. Never played it myself, never seen it played (other than in anime). So, anything that sounds off is a research failure on my behalf.

It seems odd for Koizumi to refer to them as an "anti-SOS Brigade".

I concur, and will rephrase to something more appropriate.

Thus, the situation was slowly undermining my confidence in the entire educational system, if most of the material that we were required to go through was only there to make it harder to find the few important bits in the middle of all the chaff. Who knows, some day Haruhi might be in a position to revolutionize the entire learning process, and it would probably be something that she would do without even noticing it. It would be all in a day's work for her, considering all the other things that she had created inadvertently, like that brigade logo that attracted data beings, or the literature club editorial column that according to Asahina-san contained the founding principles of time traveling technology. Come to think about it, what hidden secrets might still be contained in the movie that we had made for the culture festival? Maybe in a hundred years' time people would be able to decrypt the ultimate answer to life, universe and everything from that movie? In a chance event like that, I wasn't quite certain whether I should feel proud or embarrassed about my part in it all.

This paragraph works, but I fear it may fall victim to a tendency to be too referential.  A hurricane of canon references is something I try to avoid (and probably don't always succeed) because it's all information we already know.  Your mileage may vary, though.

I'll break the paragraph down a bit, but I still want to keep the references, especially the last one, as I haven't seen the idea of a possible hidden message in Haruhi's 'movie' mentioned elsewhere.

National League.  Or perhaps one of the NPB leagues?

Again what I said above ... I really shouldn't use baseball metaphors but the temptation was too strong. >_>

Soon thereafter the teacher arrived and the normal afternoon schedule commenced.

You could plausibly end the prologue at this break.  It's not complete by any stretch, and perhaps it would need a bit more of a conclusive line to act as a real hook, but it could be done.  Otherwise, from a literary standpoint, Tanigawa had no problem with crazy-long prologues, so I don't see why there should be a problem here.

Actually, my original plan was to label the first three chapters (altogether around 40k words) as Prologue I, II and III, and start the main story after that ... somebody might see that as a bit excessive, though....

But to meet the minimal requirements for a prologue, I'll have to carry it at least to the end of the second half of Chapter I.

Why, Hakase-san, you seem very familiar...

Always easier to borrow discreetly than to make out of whole cloth....

I feel like this might be a bit slow to develop, but not unduly so.

It will necessarily look like that at first, and it's a minor problem at the moment, as I'd prefer to have a more dynamic entry. However, there isn't any filler in there, I'm just tracing the path of causes and consequences very rigorously all the way from the beginning. Actually, Haruhi's tutoring sessions are the definite trigger for everything that happens in the story, so I spent a whole page elaborating that issue. The internal conflict that they cause on Kyon push him to visit Tsuruya, which in turn causes another cascade of events in the second half of the chapter....

In a sense, the first chapter is like a miniature version of the entire story. Pretty much every motif will be re-examined along the way, and thus I'm maybe a bit too eager to cram the chapter full of them, causing the pacing problem that I mentioned. We'll see how it plays out.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, much appreciated. I'll incorporate the suggestions during the revision phase.

[Muphrid]

To be quite honest, I know absolutely nothing about baseball. Never played it myself, never seen it played (other than in anime). So, anything that sounds off is a research failure on my behalf.

Heh.  I absolutely understand the desire to add that bit of flavor, though, even on a subject with which one is a bit unfamiliar.  Conversely, though I played baseball as a kid for some years and have gone to live games, I haven't watched any baseball anime, so I may not know enough about high school baseball in Japan to be as helpful as I'd like.  For example, Koizumi and Kyon go to watch the game during lunch?  Do they have kids take off school to play games there, too?  Granted, even if they don't, you can probably make it work, but someone might notice that.

Actually, my original plan was to label the first three chapters (altogether around 40k words) as Prologue I, II and III, and start the main story after that ... somebody might see that as a bit excessive, though....

But to meet the minimal requirements for a prologue, I'll have to carry it at least to the end of the second half of Chapter I.

It's times like these I marvel that Tanigawa tells a whole story like Disappearance in 50k or so.  But then, none of us are Tanigawa and necessarily want to tell a story that way.

[Arakawa]

Pending detailed C&C, a couple of thoughts on the slow-paced beginning. There are a few ways I can think of to spice something like that up, either interspersing it with an unrelated happening, doing the usual in-medias-res + flashback thing. ("Why am I in an underground catacomb with Yasumi? The explanation is fairly involved..." well, meh, or something like that.) For novels 9-11 Tanigawa had 'advertising the Brigade at the club fair' as the backdrop to a similarly structured opener, although that didn't do very much for me personally.

Off the top of my head, though, I can also think of a couple of advantages to a highly introspective prologue like this:

• It filters the target audience, which might be a good thing if you keep in mind that readers who make it to the later chapters are going to have a high tolerance for detail. You can spend less time worrying about whether the later chapters move too slowly when you need to get involved with the psychological elements, and more time actually exploring what you want to explore. Seeing as the major set piece (that I personally am looking forward to) of the fic looks to be Yasumi's recurring visits and conversations, even more so than the supernatural elements, this might be something to consider.
• It lets the audience familiarize itself with your particular take on the characters, before they start doing anything. This might be good or bad.

Anyhow, interested to see how this develops.