[Haruhi][Spoilers] The Insight of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Arakawa]

Okay, let's C&C this in bits and pieces. Mostly picking around the edges of what previous people have written, and these will probably be ignored as you do your own revision. Maybe there are some options in here that have not been considered.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Alternate revision to Brian's:

Mostly normal thoughts, and those thoughts that went beyond what any average person could possibly categorize as normal weren't that unwelcome either.

might be written "... and even those thoughts that went beyond what any average person could possibly categorize as normal were, surprisingly, not unwelcome. / not unwelcome either. / not that unwelcome either.

completely confident of the fact that any sudden disturbances couldn't take it away from me.

How about "confident of the fact that no sudden disturbances would take it away from me."

Seems a bit simpler. Could also try "no sudden disturbances would appear to take it away from me."

Having originally been the direct threat to the world as we knew it, Haruhi's ability to subconsciously alter reality had later become a source of stability instead. The last time when an external force had tried to divert the course of history from its proper path had been in April, and the attempt had been swiftly and decisively thwarted, in a manner that underlined the fact that the scheme hadn't had any chance of succeeding in the first place.

Bit of a mismatch between the two sentences - Kyon jumps from 'threat from Haruhi's powers' to 'threat from people attacking the timeline'.

Maybe such an overwhelming show of force was acting as a preventive measure, making any potential antagonists think twice before they pushed forward with their futile plans.

I don't know if you've considered "deterrent". Hmm... but in general this thought seems half-formed. But a lot of Kyon's thoughts are half-formed. Maybe rather than clarifying it, you might make it half-formed in a more Kyon-ish way.

The only thing I can think of is (deliberately giving it telegraphically instead of an imitation of your style) "... Haruhi's powers become a source of stability. Their previous manifestation thwarted an attempt to divert the course of history, in such decisive and spectacular fashion that any would-be antagonists are probably thinking twice about pushing forward with their futile plans."

In my opinion, it was not as much a matter of her growing up into a better person, as it was one of her once again becoming the nice person she had originally been, and I had several good reasons for believing so after all the things that I had learned during the incident in April.

Ooh... I'm guessing this refers to an implication (via the happy-face pin that Haruhi used to wear) that Yasumi is something akin to Haruhi in her elementary school days, personality-wise? I assume this will get explored further.

and in any case Haruhi was never sick in the first place,

Not sure how much of a stretch it would be to amend that to "and in any case Haruhi would never deign to get sick from such a commonplace disorder," or similar.

or would the night sky suddenly start raining fire and ash, sweeping away everything that people had managed to build?

How about "sweeping away everything we had managed to build?" Not sure - it raises the question of what exactly the SOS Brigade has 'built' in the first place, but it brings us out of the analogy nicely.

I would've wished the above to be just a case of overeager imagination and misapplied dramatic license, but with powers far beyond human control or even comprehension, one could only wait and hope for the best.

Applying my heavy-handed revision (based on my understanding of Kyon) I'd say something like:

I would've wished such a daymare to be just a case of overeager imagination and misapplied dramatic license, but when faced with powers far beyond human control or even comprehension, one could only wait and hope for the best.

Or we could settle for a dry "the above analogy". Just "the above" sounds kind of imprecise.

so that I already started to suspect that she had lost all interest in the project until she picked up the books again.

Seems to suggest that Haruhi actually stops tutoring Kyon completely for two-three days in a row. If not -- she's just temporarily abandoning one particular topic, is what you seem to be saying -- I'd amend to "until she picked up the relevant books again."

That's all for now. I'll pick up where I left off later.

And another thing I noted:

So, I may be unsettled for no reason, just because that was evoked by a similar opening (second year summer vacation, things are ostensibly improving between Kyon/Haruhi but it's not really reflected well in their 'onscreen' interactions, ...snip...

Though, I suppose that you're both Finnish authors.  Is there some cultural appeal to the concept/setup I'm unaware of, perhaps?  ...

Ooh... my initial reaction to that comment was 'again with the stereotypes?' Then I remembered that Aki Kaurismäki movies have that same "emotions are implied as opposed to acted out" vibe in spades. I actually went and rewatched some excerpts ('The Man Without a Past' & others in the same trilogy) to determine whether the stereotype those movies created in my head was really that bad. It... wasn't that bad (although to my temperamental nature the analogy still presents itself of a film where Yuki Nagato might walk in at any minute and blend in completely with the other actors).

Incidentally, the Kaurismäki trilogy is highly recommended as a... unique experience. Not necessarily as a good way to understand Finland, maybe? I'm not sure how those movies are viewed domestically (curious to hear sarsaparilla's opinion on this)... to me it looks like a directing style that deliberately tries to make Finns look alien and opaque.

[Brian]

And another thing I noted:

So, I may be unsettled for no reason, just because that was evoked by a similar opening (second year summer vacation, things are ostensibly improving between Kyon/Haruhi but it's not really reflected well in their 'onscreen' interactions, ...snip...

Though, I suppose that you're both Finnish authors.  Is there some cultural appeal to the concept/setup I'm unaware of, perhaps?  ...

Ooh... my initial reaction to that comment was 'again with the stereotypes?'

I'm highly disconcerted to think that I stereotype.  When did I do this before?  This is something I want to be aware of to prevent in myself; that is in no way a positive behavior, and I'm pretty unhappy to think I've fallen into it. :(

Ugh.  Had been so positive throughout the day....

Erm, in retrospect, since it seems my commentary may have been too callous (I'm ... just not sure where I went wrong on this one), I've pulled it down until I can figure out what's wrong with me.

Vast apologies, Sarsaparilla!  I seem to have inadvertently done something very wrong. >_<


I'll just say that I liked your story, and I regret not being able to offer anything more solid at this point.

[Arakawa]

I'm highly disconcerted to think that I stereotype.  When did I do this before?  This is something I want to be aware of to prevent in myself; that is in no way a positive behavior, and I'm pretty unhappy to think I've fallen into it. :(

Ugh.  Had been so positive throughout the day....

Erm, in retrospect, since it seems my commentary may have been too callous, I've pulled it down until I can figure out what's wrong with me.

Vast apologies, Sarsaparilla!  I seem to have inadvertently done something very wrong. >_<

Wait, what??? There's good C&C in there! I was learning stuff from that! Now I'm the one who needs to apologize to sarsaparilla for inadvertently obliterating paragraphs and paragraphs of useful commentary... >_<

Seriously, it's a bit disconcerting how I just drop the word 'stereotype' and Brian runs off to wipe that entire huge comment off the record. (Definitely should have accounted for the cultural gap, perhaps it's much more of a negative word in California?) Especially since at first I thought by "pulled down" you meant you were going to just delete that one sentence about "I notice that the authors of both works are Finns".

Ultimately, Brian's pointing out what he pointed out didn't affect my opinion of Finnish people, or Brian, for better or for worse. It did make me realize something interesting about Aki Kaurismaki's storytelling style that I hadn't realized before, due to seeing a few (very tentative) analogies in the outlook of literally one or two scenes in one of sars' darker fics (namely the Kyon-Yuki interaction in Shadow, maybe the Kyon-Haruhi chapter to a lesser extent). I even get the sense that I could aim to imitate that particular nuance somewhat now, if I needed to, now that I've noticed it...

Again, I would recommend to take a chill pill and maybe grab Kaurismaki's Finland trilogy. It will become extremely obvious that either (a) Kaurismaki has no qualms presenting an extremely distinctive stereotype about his own people and using it to win internationally acclaimed awards such as Cannes Grand Prix, or (b) the films are more or less true to life in which case Finns seem to have a shared difference in outlook which is extremely obvious in certain situations. Since I have no basis of firsthand evidence to decide between (a) and (b) I'm keeping my mind open with regard to this question.

The above could probably be less straightforward a comment but I'm not in the mood to spend time putting together a precisely nuanced opinion. Going to drop this line of thought now, since it isn't likely to go anywhere interesting with the way things are turning out...

[Brian]

Sorry, no.  I thought I had done something terribly offensive on accident, but it seems that there was a miscommunication.

You, uh ... phrased your remark in a way that implied (to me) that I had done something offensive frequently enough that it had grown wearisome to you.  (To be fair, only a small number of instances of such behavior would need to make it thus, in my mind!)

So, if you're replying to a comment to me, maybe, your first words should specify that your comment isn't aimed at me, since to my eyes, it rather came across as like an accusation.  Having some time to calm down and look at my words in the proximity to a phrase like 'stereotype' (and with the unfortunate context therein), I can think that this is a miscommunication.

But it still bothers me to have what I thought was an innocent question lumped together as 'more of this horrible stuff', as I see it.  I'm sorry if you think I was jumping the gun and overreacting; I honestly had no idea what I had written that seemed to fit into 'again with the stereotypes'.  I was horrified to think that somehow (as your comment initially suggested), I had written something monstrous.  Looking back over it, I see it's not the case.

Well.  This was a lot of hullabaloo.  I really regret that we've derailed Sarsaparilla's thread over this, and ask that you use such words with more care in the future (I can't speak for all Californians, but it's a very sensitive topic for me).  Getting things back on track (practical upshot: Now spellchecked, and I caught an additional error):

(This cuts off a bit abruptly, on account of going over the character limit:)

Spoiler: ShowHide

I added this bit in towards the end, when I realized the comments were getting ... unruly.  So, this is my C&C, and I'll warn you it's a bit critical, because when I get 'in the zone' I frequently forget to point out all the parts I liked.  However, I have to really like something to get into that zone!  So, I really enjoyed this story, despite the complaints I make.  I think it's great, and it could be even better -- however clumsily, this is my attempt to help you make that a reality.  If my tone is poor, you are free to tell me to take a hike, or otherwise ignore me. ^_^;


Oop.  Was hoping to get to this earlier this morning, but work is surprisingly hectic. >_>;;  (Edit: Wow, that was before an hour of meetings and my server bank falling offline.  Yeesh.)

Also, I haven't read Muphrid's comments yet, so I'm likely to end up repeating some of his remarks. >_<

Prologue Ia

As I have never written anything of this magnitude before, this project is very much a learning experience for me. My earlier stories have been something that just emerges more or less ready-made from the deep recesses of the subconsciousness, and my task has been just to write them down. Now, however, I'm trying to wrestle the control of the process to my conscious self and the difference is pretty similar to the one between normal and lucid dreams. Being in charge is more tiresome and requires caution to avoid accidentally breaking things, but conscious control gives me freedom to go where I want myself, and I've already found out that I'm enjoying the feeling immensely. The direct consequence is that the overall style and atmosphere of this story is quite unlike anything that I've written before, and I'm not yet sure whether the change is for the better.

Hum.  This hearkens back to a class I took on creative writing many years ago.  It was surprisingly useful, insofar as it taught me how to overcome writer's block and improve writing flow in general.  One of the things that I learned that was most relevant (though, you may find this less applicable) is to resist the urge to revise while writing.

So, please find attached the first part of the first chapter of the story. The chapter was ballooning out of control so I decided to split it in two for now, although I'm unsure how to handle the situation when actually publishing it. On one hand, I wouldn't want to open a new story with a 15k word whopper that scares away the majority of potential readers by its sheer size. On the other hand, this first half of the chapter is not an independent entity. It doesn't have the proper structure, it doesn't resolve anything (or make much sense on its own), and most importantly, there is a conspicuous lack of incentives to continue reading the story. Thus, I'm not completely happy with the situation but will try to manage it once the second half is ready as well.

I see.  I'll try keep an eye out for those things, then.  Here we go:

Prologue

Once again, summer had arrived.

Although spring is my favorite season, summer comes right behind, and not just literally speaking. Like peasants enduring through the hardship of the rice planting season, knowing that the arduous toiling will soon be over and there will be a short respite before the fruits of the invested labor can be collected, students had been working hard ever since the beginning of the new school year and now the long awaited summer vacation was finally so close that it was turning from a distant reverie into a tangible possibility. Although summer shousho was still ahead, the weather had been fair with ever increasing temperatures for two weeks already, and to teachers' eternal exasperation, the persistent sunshine was slowly but surely wearing down students' last shreds of determination to sit quietly inside, reading about mind-numbing topics like function theory, verb conjugation or the powerstruggles of the Kamakura period.

Those are remarkably long sentences.  I really have to suggest reworking them into smaller sentences -- I'm not terribly good at diagramming sentences, but they both are beyond my ability. @_@

For the first one, it seems the critical part is the impending vacation.  Here's an example of how you might rework it:

The long awaited summer vacation was finally so close that it was turning from a distant reverie into a tangible possibility; like peasants enduring the hardship of the rice planting season, students had been working hard ever since the beginning of the new school year, knowing that the arduous labor will soon be over and there will be a short respite before the fruits of the invested labor can be harvested.

This moves the final phrase of the original sentence into a complete sentence joined to the rest with a semi-colon.  I also dropped 'through', since it wouldn't flow as neatly here, and I'm not sure why, but 'toiling' felt awkward, so I swapped it for labor.  I think it's because 'toiling' and 'arduous' both indicate struggling and effort, but 'toiling' felt too active for the context (since this is in past-tense).  The last word I switched from 'collected' to 'harvested' since it compliments the analogy you've already set up involving nature/the seasons.

Er....   On the chance that this is coming across as too aggressive/demanding, I'm really just meaning to show another way it could be written, not the way it must be.  Naturally, everyone style's differ.  >_>;;;

On to the second long sentence:

Although summer vacation was still ahead, the weather had been fair with ever increasing temperatures for two weeks already.  To the teachers' eternal exasperation, the students' last shreds of determination to sit quietly inside reading about mind-numbing topics like function theory, verb conjugation, or the power struggles of the Kamakura period were being slowly but surely worn down by the persistent sunshine.

*twitch*  I hadn't heard the Japanese meaning of 'shosho' before, only the slang Spanish one, which is....  Erm.  Anyway!  >_>;;

The literal Japanese definition seems to be 'here and there', which I gather from context must mean something about 'vacation', but this is not (I believe) a commonly known loanword.  I'd go with the clearer word (really, I myself use far, far too many loanwords >_<).  Anyway, you again had a complete separate sentence in the same line, but this doesn't join as neatly with a semi-colon (and considering how Hal's been luring into abusing them, won't suggest another one in such close proximity).  Also, added a comma to your list set, since it had three items (function theory, verb conjugation, or the...).

I realize just now I'm tangling my grammatical fixes with my stylistic ones. >_<  In both cases, take what works for you and ignore the rest. :)

Also, 'power struggles' should be two separate words.  Missed that until just now!

This was my second summer as a high school student, but in a sense it was the first one when I actually felt more or less like an actual student, enjoying the steady and predictable schedule of school activities with normal, everyday thoughts in my mind. Mostly normal thoughts, and those thoughts that went beyond what any average person could possibly categorize as normal weren't that unwelcome either. I realized, to my own mild astonishment, that on the whole I was more satisfied with the current situation than perhaps ever since entering high school and meeting the person who would turn my entire world upside down like an irresistible force of nature.

'Would'?  I think at this point she already has -- repeatedly. >_>

That first sentence still seems a bit long, but not too much so.  I'm not sure about the segue into the second sentence, though.  Maybe revise to: "Mostly normal thoughts, but those that went beyond what any average person could possibly categorize as normal weren't that unwelcome either." I dropped the second instance of 'thoughts' (repetition), and switched the 'and' for a 'but'.

As long as I live I'll never be able to forget that name, and one of the reasons for that was exactly that I had spent a large part of the last summer in a constant state of emergency, trying to avert an impending end-of-the-world disaster that always seemed to be just one poorly chosen word or inadvertent action away. Since that time things had gotten better, so much better in fact that right now I could sit here on the school premises and enjoy the agreeable atmosphere of an early afternoon in the joujun of July, completely confident of the fact that any sudden disturbances couldn't take it away from me. For most people it might be a sign of foolishness to express excessive confidence in future events, but I had a very specific reason for my seemingly bold statement.

I would suggest an em-dash in place of the comma in the second sentence:
gotten better, so much better -to-> gotten better -- so much better

'right now'?  Did the tenses just shift?  Yes, they did.  I see, the start was retrospective....  I've never gotten that technique to work, so nice job on that. :)

joujun -- first weeks (another uncommon loanword)

I think the general rule of thumb is to use loanwords only when a direct translation does not suffice for some reason:

Typically this would be due to details in mechanics/construction; a katana is not like a generic short sword; you might not want to use 'sandals' in place of 'geta', but 'wooden sandals' would probably suffice.  Honorifics don't translate perfectly, and so they can be used if the author doesn't think that using more Western (or otherwise localized) honorifics map directly.  (I think my greatest pet-peeve on this one is actually people who don't research enough, and think that the katakana spelling of an English word is actually the Japanese word for it).

Now, saying that, I frequently use loanwords when another translation _would_ suffice.  In those instances, I would suggest making the meaning of the loanwords more obvious through context, or (if required) having someone in narrative actually provide a definition.  Kyon: Big Damn Hero has been (probably rightly) accused of being 'a trick to get us to learn more Japanese terminology (especially about [strike]yakuza[/strike]ninkyou dantai.)--' so I've probably done this one way, way too many times myself.  >_>;;

If you want to keep 'joujun' and 'shosho' in, then that's fine, but you can have Kyon explain what they are as he considers them -- which will probably make those sentences large and unwieldy, and thus require breaking them into easier-to-process pieces.  (I find myself doing this frequently....)  It'd be relatively simple -- for the latter:

Since that time things had gotten better -- so much better in fact that right now I could sit here on the school premises and enjoy the agreeable atmosphere of an early afternoon in the joujun of July.  These first ten days of the month have been so sedate and calm that I am completely confident of the fact that any sudden disturbances couldn't take it away from me.

Erm.  My revision's actually kind of clumsy, but it gets the idea across, I think.  >_>;;

Having originally been the direct threat to the world as we knew it, Haruhi's ability to subconsciously alter reality had later become a source of stability instead. The last time when an external force had tried to divert the course of history from its proper path had been in April, and the attempt had been swiftly and decisively thwarted, in a manner that underlined the fact that the scheme hadn't had any chance of succeeding in the first place. Maybe such an overwhelming show of force was acting as a preventive measure, making any potential antagonists think twice before they pushed forward with their futile plans. Whichever way it was, the SOS Brigade had been enjoying an extended period of relatively peaceful and untroubled existence for over two months already, and I wasn't going to be the one to complain about it.

last time when an -- last time an ('when' is extraneous here)
thwarted, in -- thwarted in (alternately, with rewording, you can break this large sentence into two smaller ones):  thwarted, in -- thwarted.  It happened in a manner....
The last sentence can be moved to the next paragraph (or broken out into a stand-alone paragraph, or left on its own, whichever you like best).

Heh, even Kyon wonders where the dramatic tension went. =_=

The longer I think about it, the more I realize that novels 9-11 (really, 10-11) just don't really sit well with me....  And I can't help but notice a marked downturn in new Haruhi fanfics corresponding with the release of the translations in English. :/

However, the largest change could be seen in Haruhi herself if one knew where to look. She was still just as energetic and excitable as ever, and would on occasion get some new idea that temporarily turned her immediate surroundings into a hotbed of more or less questionable activities, but anybody who observed it on a merely superficial level would miss the most important development. As much as it strains the definition of the word to say this, Haruhi was undeniably becoming more normal.

herself if -- herself, if (Optional.)

In my opinion, it was not as much a matter of her growing up into a better person, as it was one of her once again becoming the nice person she had originally been, and I had several good reasons for believing so after all the things that I had learned during the incident in April.

Hmm.  Something about this scans awkwardly.  I think 'once again becoming the nice person she had originally been' feels a bit stilted.  Perhaps 'remembered that she could have fun with others instead of at their expense' or something?  I'm not sure, but the original lines come across as a bit stiff.  I admit, I'm kind of stuck on good alternatives, but I'll note it sticks out.  No arguments against Kyon's sentiment, though. :)

"My current smile is completely genuine and heartfelt. There has not been a single instance of closed space forming after that incident in April, which means that the first time in four years I get to sleep through the night unperturbed. I was not even fully aware of how large a burden the eternal vigilance had become until this reprieve. Quite honestly, I am feeling refreshed, almost like a different person, and I sincerely hope for things to stay this way."

Hmm, I thought closed space instances were way down following Sigh.  Maybe 'eternal vigilance' to 'constant readiness'?  (This is probably very nitpicky: 'vigilance' means 'to remain watchful,' which isn't something the espers appear to worry about -- they're just granted knowledge when required.  Acting on that does require readiness, though.)

Koizumi paused momentarily to watch as a fortuitously placed line drive brought a run for the home team, and chuckled before continuing.

The comma before 'and' is reflexive here and can be dropped (I do this same thing constantly).  There's surprisingly few locations you want to preceed an 'and' with a comma, outside of list items (except when you're using 'and then', mostly, which is usually actually just another form of list item for actions).

Gah, another meeting. @_@

"Then, you know as much about the whereabouts of the other members of the anti-SOS Brigade as I do. Ever since the joining of the timelines in April there has not been a single sighting of the person known as Fujiwara, so we might have gotten permanently rid of him, although it goes without saying that one can never be completely certain when it comes to time travelers. On the other hand, that alien interface of the Sky Canopy Dominion is still attending Kouyouen and does not seem to be interested in communicating with us at the moment. Of course, I am not privy to whatever communications the two alien factions might be having with each other. That is the current situation, and there are not any discernible forces acting toward destabilizing it."

Hmm.  Has Kyon ever called them the anti-SOS brigade to anyone else?  I honestly can't recall.

Koizumi stopped talking and I spent some time watching other students at the perimeter of the field before concentrating on the game again. It looked like the match was wrapping up, and unless the visiting team would make an unexpected comeback the home team would take an easy win after the last inning. Because of that I wasn't particularly interested in waiting until the game was over, so I stood up and headed back to the main building. Koizumi was not in a hurry and was determined to stay until the end of the match, so as I walked away he just reminded that we'd be seeing each other after the school hours again.

determined -- decided (I think; determined adds a lot of weight to the decision (though, if you want to show Koizumi making a big deal out of considering his options as though the situation were monumental, that could work, too)).

In July it was already way too late to catch May sickness, and in any case Haruhi was never sick in the first place, but I was almost certain that there was something in her mind that she was holding back. On occasion, she would abruptly stop talking, even in the middle of a sentence, and stay silent for a good while before continuing with some other, completely unrelated topic. Or, she might suddenly lose all interest in a particular idea that she had only a moment ago pursued like it was her entire raison d'etre, and just sit still for ages, contemplating some inner vision she wasn't willing to share with others. I had previously seen what Haruhi looked like when she was bored, annoyed or just dispirited, and this spell was none of those. It wasn't even the muted aura of a Haruhi who was secretly hatching a new plan for making the world a more interesting place. No, there was something else, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was and there wouldn't be any point in asking, anyway.

And it's not her 'not sure what expression to show' expression?  (Mentioned in novel nine, IIRC; seems it's ... the perfect one for the situation, except that Kyon would recognize it.)

Like people living for generations on the slopes of a dormant volcano, drawn to the spot by the abundantly fertile soil, the SOS Brigade had gathered itself around the imposing Mt. Haruhi because of the vantage point it provided. However, it had gradually started to look like the volcano might be waking up from its long slumber. The tremors, while still faint, were arriving at more or less regular intervals, making the population cautious. Would this be just a case of the mountain turning about in its sleep before settling down for centuries again, or would the night sky suddenly start raining fire and ash, sweeping away everything that people had managed to build?

Amusing sidenote: Mountains are typically given the 'san' honorific (Ie., 'Fuji-san').

Hmm.  In retrospect, I'm not convinced this analogy is spot-on.  Mostly because the difference in scale of time; Haruhi's 'dormancy' (and subsequent impending erruption) is fairly recently, but the analogy uses 'generations'.  I think this can be addressed by noting that the volcano was once active and drove people away; that will reinforce the relative 'ages' of this volcano.  Actually ... you could carry that a lot further if you wanted, especially since it's going to tie into your conclusion.

Then, there was yet another new, more mundane element in the situation. Shortly after the beginning of the school year, and evidently on her own initiative, Haruhi had taken it on herself to help me with studying. It had originally started by Haruhi making me learn the minimal amount of tricks to pass an upcoming math quiz, and eventually evolved into full-blown lectures on whichever topic she found pertinent at any given time, usually during breaks when there wasn't anything else to do.

I don't think the 'evidently' is required in the first sentence.

It wasn't exactly a regular or a particularly systematic curriculum, as Haruhi followed her own interests and lines of thought that were as unfathomable as the migration patterns of bluefin tuna in the uncharted depths of the ocean, sometimes pressing a certain topic for two or three days in a row and then forgetting the whole thing for several days, so that I already started to suspect that she had lost all interest in the project until she picked up the books again.

Gah.  Too much sentence.  I like the analogy, and it feels very Kyon-like (you're better at that aspect than I am, that's for certain).  I think the issue is you're trying to fit his analogies into asides in a single sentence, when they can be broken out more than that.  It's fine to have Kyon's rambling thoughts take multiple sentences to cover a single thing -- that's very true to him.

Alternately, simplify the analogies (though, I really like them -- this one in particular).

a regular or a particularly -- a regular or particularly (the 'a' is extraneous.)

An example revision (turning this single sentence into ... erm ... four smaller ones):

It wasn't exactly a regular or particularly systematic curriculum, as Haruhi followed her own interests and lines of thought.  These were as unfathomable as the migration patterns of bluefin tuna in the uncharted depths of the ocean.  Sometimes she would press a certain topic for two or three days in a row and then forget the whole thing for just as long; I would start to suspect that she had lost all interest in the project until she picked up the books again.

Whatever I thought in general about being the focus of Haruhi's sporadic efforts of making the world a more learned place, even if only by a vanishingly small amount in total, I had to admit that her approach was working. After a long, depressing downward slope that had dominated my performance record for the entire first year there had recently been a definite turn for the better, and although I wasn't anywhere near the top of the list like Haruhi, it had started to look less likely that I would be doomed to spend time as a ronin after the high school.

Fridge horror: Kyon does so poorly at school because Haruhi wants to be able to offer him something.

...begone, dark thoughts! >_<

Sorry.  Not sure where that came from.

Ah ... Kyon would ... not become a ronin for failing high school.  A ronin is someone who graduates high school and then fails the college entrance exam (as Kyon was in Later).

'High school' as a location can have an article before it, but as an institution probably shouldn't:
after the high school -- after high school -OR- the high school term

Besides having my own grades on the rise, I had also gradually started to understand how Haruhi could always get top scores in every exam without seemingly doing any work at all. It wasn't so much a matter of being able to rapidly pick up new facts, as it was about picking up the right facts and ignoring everything else, something that Haruhi seemed to be able to do intuitively, without even realizing that it was a feat beyond the abilities of most students, myself including. If anything, I felt that on my own I somehow always managed to pick up the exactly wrong facts on any topic, providing me with an endless supply of utterly useless information.

Interesting.

Thus, the situation was slowly undermining my confidence in the entire educational system, if most of the material that we were required to go through was only there to make it harder to find the few important bits in the middle of all the chaff. Who knows, some day Haruhi might be in a position to revolutionize the entire learning process, and it would probably be something that she would do without even noticing it. It would be all in a day's work for her, considering all the other things that she had created inadvertently, like that brigade logo that attracted data beings, or the literature club editorial column that according to Asahina-san contained the founding principles of time traveling technology. Come to think about it, what hidden secrets might still be contained in the movie that we had made for the culture festival? Maybe in a hundred years' time people would be able to decrypt the ultimate answer to life, universe and everything from that movie? In a chance event like that, I wasn't quite certain whether I should feel proud or embarrassed about my part in it all.

Aha, Hitchiker's Guide reference.

I'm not certain about the possessive on 'years'.  While I think it's technically correct (in the immortal words of Bureaucrat #1.0: "the best kind of correct!") -- you are referring to the time as a property of 'a hundred years' -- I don't think I've seen it that way.  Well, I couldn't find anything genuinely solid, but a googlefight between the two demonstrates that Google finds the phrases identical (but "hundred years time" won anyway).  Dangit.

Okay, back from the Chicago Manual of Style: You're doing it right.  Never mind!  (But, I learned something new today.)

Anyway, even my tender and eternally concerned mother who had raised me had already noticed the change, and had tried to find out the specific reason through circumspect and seemingly offhand questions. Evading my mother's inquiries made me feel somewhat conflicted. On one hand, I was receiving undue merit as long as she suspected that I had achieved the results through my own diligent effort, and on the other hand the situation would become even more complicated if I told her the real reason behind my improving grades. For all I knew my mother would probably insist to have Haruhi visiting us, maybe even regularly, so that my mother would get a chance to show her gratitude, and since Haruhi wasn't really used to receiving praise for the things she did on her own volition, she might decide to drop the whole project permanently, leaving me to my own devices again.

"who had raised me" feels extraneous, here (part of this is because this is another very long sentence).

...yeah, that's....  You keep telling yourself that, Kyon.  That final sentence is very long again.  Suggest revising:

For all I knew my mother would probably insist to have Haruhi visiting us, maybe even regularly.  Then my mother would get a chance to show her gratitude, and since Haruhi isn't really used to receiving praise for the things she does on her own volition, she might decide to drop the whole project permanently, leaving me to my own devices again.

Some tense changes following the full-stop.

So, whatever I did, trouble somehow always seemed to find its way around to me. Still, I wish for the sake of my future prospects to stay in your favor, at least concerning this issue, Haruhi-sensei!

This ... doesn't really feel like trouble finding its way to Kyon?  Maybe it's just me--  I think the takeaway feels more like 'Kyon finds things to worry about constantly anyway'.  Maybe 'Whatever I did, I'd always find something to be troubled about'?  I mean, Kyon does describe himself as restless (or having restless behaviors) from time-to-time, so it feels like it might fit, but for where things are in this setup, I don't think events quite warrant making a big deal out of things.

At that point my rumination was interrupted by a brisk call that was immediately recognizable.

"Oi! Kyorosuke!"

Not required, but you have the option of ending the first paragraph there with a colon (or a comma, and bringing Tsuruya's dialog into the same paragraph).

I raised my gaze and saw an excited upperclassman waving to me at the other end of the corridor. It had been a while since I had seen Tsuruya the last time and as I walked closer I wondered what she might have in mind. It didn't take too long to find it out.

seen Tsuruya the last time and -- seen Tsuruya last and (extraneous)
find it out -- find out

"Hiyas, how are you? Saw you there and remembered that there's something that I must asks about the summer vacation. Are you still intending to come and visit that castle that we've talked about. I would need to know soon to have enough time for the arrangements."

That third sentence should end in a question mark, I think. :p

Now that you mentioned it, you're right. The vacation is almost here already but I still don't know anything about the trip. You should probably talk with Haruhi, although I haven't heard her mention the whole thing lately.

While I like this technique (when the author doesn't decide that ALL of Kyon/whoever's dialog must be this way (talk about too much of a good thing; his dialogue is in quotation often enough in the original novel >_<)), I feel it works best if Kyon's thoughts imply what he might say; here you just have Kyon's dialog without quotation marks.  At least ... I always get the sensation that the reason people respond to Kyon's narrative is because what he actually says is somewhat different from what he's thinking.  Personally, I use this to have Kyon wonder things in a vague sense and get specific responses -- and I think that generally works well for most of the other unspoken communication, too.  But here, it's awfully specific.  I'd suggest something along the lines of:

Now that she mentions it, that's a good question.  The vacation has nearly come upon us, and I remain as clueless as ever, despite Haruhi's regular drills.  Naturally, I'm sure she has all of those details, even if she's neglected to share them with us.

If that makes sense.  Looking back at it, I think what made it stick out is that Kyon's using the specific 'you' (to Tsuruya) outside of dialog.  That seems odd ... but maybe I need to reread again. <_<;

"I'll talk with Haru-nyan later but right now I haven't gots the time. Sorries for not taking care of it before, but I have been megas busy with the studies. Teachers don't speak about anything else than what we needs to know for the university exams. It's cramming and cramming day in, day out, you'll soon see yourself!"

with the studies. -- with studies. -OR- with my studies.
Suggested: day out, you'll -- day out; you'll -OR- day out, as you'll (add 'as')

"Oh right, that reminds me! Pardon me for prying, but is everything well with the brigade?"

Not sure she'd say 'Pardon me for prying', unless she asked specifically how things are between Kyon and Haruhi.

I certainly think so. As well as it has ever been, if you ask me.

This contrasts oddly against Kyon's 'trouble comes down on me' thought.  Well, no.  I think I can see both reflecting a status quo, but I'm not sure if it applies.  Then again....  Hm.  I'll just note it stuck out for me, but may not be anything. :)

For Asahina-san? I can't really think of anything ... is there something that I should worry about?

Oh, boy!  It's time for me to explain elipses again!  (You may have noticed I far, far overuse this tool of writing:)

An ellipses covers a specific omission in text.  We use it (also) in fiction to indicate a pause in dialog, and consistency is (as always) much more important than anything else.  I cannot stress how much more important it is that you be consistent rather than follow any of my other suggestions. >_>  This is very much 'fringe' in terms of how many people care/use it right.

Moving on: An ellipses is three periods (or the special 'elipses' character, which you've used here), but does not terminate a sentence.  This means that an ellipses that terminates a sentence should have the three periods (or be the special character) trailed by an additional period any time it ends a sentence.

Spacing regarding ellipses isn't standardized, as long as it's consistent.  For what it's worth, this is my personal ellipses style-guide:

"This sentence trails off...."

"This ... trails off."

"This sentence....  Well, the point is, it trailed off."

I could go on in this vein for hours, but I expect you'd rather I didn't.  Come to think of it, I do this so often, I probably already have told you about this....  >_<

The point of it is, I'm not clear on what the omitted words that make Tsuruya's remark a single complete sentence.  I think it may be two different sentences. <_<;

Tsuruya cocked her head to the side and examined me sharply.

"In that case you must forget that I even asked about it. Because, if you gots too worried about it then you'd perhaps do something that would cause trouble, for you and Mikuru, and for Haru-nyan as well, and I wouldn't want anything like that to happen. So, no worries, right?"

If you say so. I don't even know what this is all about.

I don't either.  That was a strangely cryptic and foreboding remark....

None that I'm aware of....

Oops.  Guess you already knew after all!  >_>;;

At that moment I remembered something that I had been thinking about a couple of days ago but somehow managed to forget until now. For some unknown reason a seemingly serendipitous idea presented itself and I acted on that impulse, not considering the possible consequences all the way through. My bad, but as the saying goes, things always look clearer with hindsight.

... or actually, there is something. If it's not too much of a burden, I'd like to ask for a small favor.

I usually suggest not trailing an ellipses with a space if it's at the start of a sentence (though, this is mostly only an issue if you have it happen mid paragraph, which I sometimes do).

"Never mind, just drop by whenever, and if I'm not at home I'll leave a message for the servants so they can help you! And, way to go! I'm appropriately impressed!"

Somehow, this endorsement does not seem like a good one. :p

I cleared the last stretch to my intended destination and entered the class 2-5. After just a few months of the new term the place already felt almost like a second home to me with all its familiar details, especially the one currently sitting on her seat, looking out of the window in apparent contemplation.

entered the class 2-5. -- entered class 2-5. -OR- entered the 2-5 classroom.

Regardless of what anybody else said, the only way to avoid leaving out some essential detail was to admit that Haruhi was Haruhi. I couldn't care less about the fact that there were entire organizations full of people devoted to studying her every whim like ancient oracles predicting fortunes from cracks in scorched turtle shells. None of those people sat next to her in this class and I had to wonder how many of them could see her as an actual person instead of some abstract, supernatural resource to be controlled and possibly exploited for purposes that were deemed worthy by the powers that be. In the circle of people who were aware of the secret my trust only reached as far as the membership of the SOS Brigade, but not to the respective factions behind those members.

For that last sentence, since you're already specifying the limitations on Kyon's trust, I think you can drop the 'but'.

I sat down on my own seat and turned around to face the peerless brigade chief who was completely unaware of her position in the eye of this maelstrom of secrecy and shady motivations. Well, she had wished for the world to revolve around herself, but would she really be happy if she ever found out that it was true? Right now she kept staring through the window in a way that I could only describe as reflective, without acknowledging my presence in any way. It bothered me slightly although I couldn't pin down the exact reason for the uneasy feeling.

right now she kept -- right now she keeps (tenses)
slightly although -- slightly, although

"Kyon! Sometimes I really doubt whether you have what it takes to be a member of the SOS Brigade. You should be cheering for the home team, not jeering!"

Hm.

I expected to be served a swift retort as I saw that Haruhi was already in full swing like a national league hitter, ready for driving my lazy pitch right out of the field, but then she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked me directly in the eyes for a fraction of a second, as if having second thoughts about her intended reply, before snapping her mouth shut without saying a word and turning her head to the side again. I could see that she was muttering something to her reflection in the window, but I couldn't hear what it was because of the general din caused by other students returning to the class.

Something about this whole thing is weirding me out, but I'll get back to that later.

"I'm not accountable to you, especially for my personal matters, and anyway, as the leader of the brigade it is my prerogative to decide when a meeting is held and when it isn't. I must be elsewhere which means that the meeting is canceled, isn't that obvious enough?"

I don't like Kyon's introspection that Haruhi's softening/opening up to people contrasted with her actually being colder/ruder to him than she was in the novels that went before this.  Something about that feels off....  Maybe Kyon's underestimating Haruhi's distraction?  But then, he's also mentioned it's 'not bothering him' while saying at the same time it was 'trouble that found its way to him'.

I'm uncertain.

Anyway.

The thing that really weirds me out is how much of this prologue maps to the opening for the third act of The Dream of....  Admittedly, this doesn't have the same horrifyingly squicky/dysfunctional elements that that thing did (really, really, I don't suggest reading it!).  So, I may be unsettled for no reason, just because that was evoked by a similar opening (second year summer vacation, things are ostensibly improving between Kyon/Haruhi but it's not really reflected well in their 'onscreen' interactions, and Haruhi's concealing some plan involving the upcoming vacation (didn't read far enough into Dream to find out what her plan was, there)).  I'm sure it's just a coincidence; those things aren't terribly specific.

Though, I suppose that you're both Finnish authors.  Is there some cultural appeal to the concept/setup I'm unaware of, perhaps?  Maybe it's a reference to a story I'm not familiar with?

"And remember, this is just for today. Failing to be present tomorrow is totally unacceptable and will incur a heavy penalty without exceptions!"

Well, this certainly wasn't something that happened every day. On my way to the club room I wondered whether it was the time to start worrying. Probably not. After all, didn't I have my own personal interests to attend to, as well?

What?  Sure it is -- Haruhi tosses the 'death penalty' around constantly.  Unless she's been letting off, in which case Kyon should probably note that it's been a long time since she's done it (seeing as she doesn't seem to have employed that tactic against Kyon to get him to study).

As always, I knocked on the door and opened it only after hearing Asahina-san's welcoming greeting. She had already changed into her maid uniform and was just selecting a suitable blend of tea from her personal storage box. Nagato was also present, reading a book in her corner, but at this point it was such a self-evident fact that it took a conscious effort to even notice it. Asahina-san gave me a happy, innocent smile that momentarily wiped away all my concerns.

Minor note: The second year classes are closer to the clubroom -- I think it was pointed out in the last novels that Kyon/Koizumi had to leave the clubroom once Mikuru showed up to let her change (unless Kyon was delayed by walking to Haruhi).

That sounded like a good idea. It would be a real pity to let it go to waste, especially since it was specifically made by Asahina-san.

Is 'specifically' the right word?

Koizumi walked in and picked up a pack of cards.

Since he's already in the scene, maybe, 'walked through the door' or 'stepped in through the doorway' (presuming that's where he's standing)?

Asahina-san continued her tea brewing rituals and me and Koizumi ended up playing some rounds of five-card draw without bets. It was such a simple game that I could let my mind wander around while playing. Although Haruhi's recent behavior was one of the issues that I couldn't simply ignore, if for no other reason than the knowledge that the consequences would eventually reach me with the inescapable certainty of the Earth rotating around its axis, it was also a long term concern rather than an acute one. Instead, I kept pondering the casual remark made by Tsuruya today.

rituals -- ritual (I think)

"I see. Maybe I should have chosen the hanafuda pack instead?"

I couldn't even bother asking what Koizumi was insinuating with the oblique remark that he seemed to find somehow amusing.

Another unfamiliar loanword.  I stand by the suggestion of just working the definitions into the narrative, wherever possible. :)

I picked up my cup and thanked Asahina-san who was now serving Koizumi on the other side of the table. It was fairly hot in the club room this late in the afternoon, and I noticed that Asahina-san absent-mindedly swept sweat from her face after giving Koizumi his cup. Now that I thought about it, it had to be rather uncomfortable to wear the maid uniform in this weather, but I couldn't possibly suggest that she switched to something lighter. Beside the fact that my concern would be all too easy to misinterpret, in the worst case Haruhi might hear about it as well and actually make it happen. The maid uniform was at least a rather respectable choice, so any change would likely be to the worse.

First sentence, missing a comma after 'Asahina-san'.  Second sentence, I'd replace 'swept' with 'wiped' to avoid the unintentional (?) alliteration.

Incidentally, that reminded me about the secret Mikuru folder on the club computer. I had finally gathered enough determination and permanently deleted the folder with its contents in late April. It hadn't been an easy decision but most certainly the right one. If Yasumi could find the folder so easily then it would be only a matter of time until Haruhi did the same by accident, and that wasn't a risk I was willing to take at this point. Now, after Tsuruya's remark, I actually felt relieved by the knowledge that the compromising photos couldn't be the cause of Asahina-san's trouble, whatever it was.

Third sentence, missing a comma before the 'but'.
Fourth sentence, missing a comma before 'then'.

There was a moment of silence when everybody concentrated on drinking their tea. While I relished the exquisite blend that Asahina-san had chosen for the occasion there was also a hint of melancholy transience in the atmosphere. On a normal day, unless Haruhi was specifically pushing forward one of her manic projects, she didn't actually do that much beyond being present and occasionally joining a discussion, but still, it was precisely her presence that gave the SOS Brigade its purpose. Right now I could see it very clearly that without Haruhi we were just a group of four high school students, no matter how extraordinary, idly passing their time by drinking tea after the school hours. There was nothing wrong with that in itself, but at the same time it felt lacking, fundamentally incomplete. Serene and comfortable but ultimately ... boring. The me from one year ago would have been shocked to hear myself openly admitting that much.

the occasion there was -- the occasion, there
it was precisely her presence -- suggest dropping 'precisely'.
see it very clearly -- see very clearly ('it' is extraneous here)

This is a rather large paragraph in general (a comment I should have been making more regularly, and haven't been; apologies). >_<

Oh boy. Just as Taniguchi had said in jest at some point, after the most tumultuous year of my life I was now completely and irrevocably infected by the Suzumiya virus that had found its way to every cell of my body, and I knew that I didn't even want to find a cure.

I would break that second sentence up into two, I think.  It feels like a bit of a run-on.

After I had finished my tea I placed the cup back on the table, and when Asahina-san asked whether I wanted some more I declined. For a short while everybody just sat there without saying anything until Nagato closed her book, and the sound of it, like a chairman banging his gavel, marked the termination of this shadow meeting of the brigade. With the usual observances we all adjourned to our own directions, except for Asahina-san who had to stay behind to clean up the tea equipment and change her clothes.

I think you want a comma after that last 'Asahina-san'.

When I got out of the schoolyard I took a deep breath and tried to shake off the lingering concerns like a dog dries its fur after a swim. It was still a bright, sunny day outside, and my duties for the day weren't over yet, so I set my sights on the next destination.

Second sentence, you have 'bright sunny day' and then 'day' again later.  To avoid repetition, maybe reword to something like:

It was still bright and sunny outside, but my since my duties for the day weren't over yet, I set my sights on the next destination.

Fortunately, considering the purpose of my current mission, the Tsuruya estate was not located too far away from North High. In fact, parts of it could even be seen from the slope that I climbed up from Kouyouen on my way to school every morning, so it only took me around fifteen minutes until I was standing in front of the imposing wooden gate of the Tsuruya mansion. I pushed the button of a modern intercom that had been installed in the wall that surrounded the mansion, and waited for reply. It was a hot and humid afternoon, the air was standing still without the slightest breeze and I noticed that I was sweating after the walk along the hillside.

mansion, and waited -- mansion and waited
afternoon, the air -- afternoon; the air

For a good while the only noises that I could hear were the distant hum of the city and the incessant chirping of cicadas, and I already started to wonder whether anybody had even heard the doorbell, but then the intercom was turned on and I heard a familiar voice.

Oop.  Repetition of 'and', and incidentally, one comes right where you've ended a complete sentence:

cicadas, and I already -- cicadas.  I had already (change comma to full stop, drop 'and', add 'had')

And then it's two complete sentences. :)

Haruhi had to go somewhere so we didn't have a meeting today.

Ack.  And this is one of the reasons that I don't like Kyon never having dialog properly offset.  My first thought was, "Why is Kyon telling us something we already know?" not "Is this spoken, or thought?" >_>

Muphrid adores doing the same thing -- it's a great tool, but also a horrible crutch.  It's really best used sparingly....

...well, that's my opinion, anyway, but I admit to seeing it so overused I actually somewhat intentionally underuse it myself. >_>;;

"Is that so? Looks like you might not be the only one who gots ideas, then. It pleases me greatly to see that things are going well!"

I don't know anything about that. I'm only doing this to avoid drawing any unwanted attention.

Hearing this, the high-spirited upperclassman burst into a riotous laughter and gave me a friendly slap on the shoulder.

"Just keep saying that and I'll keep disbelieving you, and we'll all be happy, nyoro? Follow me."

I am not at all following either what Kyon isn't telling us, or what Tsuruya's not telling us.  I'll just say I find Tsuruya's attitude annoyingly condescending; I think she'd be a lot more vague instead of teasing/mocking.  And if she's trying to give Kyon hints ... eh.

Anyway, if the hints are aimed at the readers, I confess:  I have no clue what Kyon's planning, and am equally confused as to what Tsuruya's planning (if it's at all relevant).  If it's just to establish that some plan is percolating in the background, then the first instance (where Tsuruya told Kyon not to think about it (contrasted to her bringing it up again herself, here)) is sufficient, more likely than not.

Eh, something I didn't comment on the time -- was Mikuru's 'depression earlier in the year' refering to the Melancholy of Asahina Mikuru?  Otherwise, I'm not sure what incident that's alluding to (and probably, it could be slightly clarified a tiny bit), there.

[Arakawa]

Well, this squarely places the ball in my court to apologize. 'Again with the stereotypes?' was a particularly inapt idiom on my part given that I haven't seen Brian stereotype anything before. It simply refers to the fact that I deal with people who stereotype this or that other group of people almost every day, and I generally tune that sort of thing out, and here it was cropping up for me yet again :-/

EDIT: I note that the impression was probably further exacerbated by my musings on whether or not my mental picture of the characters in Kaurismaki movies was that bad, which might also have been misunderstood. My memory of those movies was that the characters were deadpan to such a degree that the resulting impression seemed somewhat hackneyed.

Yes, these excuses on my part are definitely kind of weak. More to the point, this is what forgetting "think before you write" looks like on the outside.

In fact, if I were to suddenly insist that everyone around me be perfectly tolerant and politically correct, I would eventually have no job, no friends, no career prospects, and I would in some sense be the most intolerant person around to boot. I didn't take into account that when stereotyping is pointed out as such in a liberal society, it is generally taken as a (societally protected) act of moral castigation and belittlement of the person doing the stereotyping. While I appreciate the fact that this mechanism is considered necessary to keep cultural intolerance to a minimum where diverse cultures are in close contact, it was frightening to see how easily it could be set at work.

Brian, I did not wish to express any implication that you are an intolerant person. Having met a large number of genuinely intolerant people (and perhaps having had a few of their habits rub off on me :-/), it unfortunately did not occur to me that my comment would cause you to see yourself this way. In fact, all I meant to express was that at first I thought there was no basis for drawing that particular connection based on two fics of very different quality, and so I'd tuned the comment out, but then I noticed a few slight parallels which made me think a little. Guhh... to think it was so easy for me to poison the atmosphere without meaning to...

So, everyone, please accept my apologies for causing this.

*formal bow*

[Brian]

And the rest (now rewritten from what I lost thanks to the character limit (oops)):

Spoiler: ShowHide

She took a pair of outdoor shoes and we walked around the main house to a smaller side building that was more like a shed or garage holding miscellaneous garden tools. Tsuruya introduced me to an elderly man who was currently sorting through the equipment.

"This is Hakase-san, the estate gardener. He already knows what you're looking for and will show you around. I must go and change clothes but if you need anything else just let me know. Laters!"

^_^;;

Unexpected!  I'm flattered. :p


I also want to make a quick note here that Tsuruya collecting her shoes and following Kyon is a very brief transition.  It's well handled, but I'm noticing that a lot of your sentences seem to be a bit too ... hmm.  I can say 'wordy'?  It feels like you're trying to perfectly describe every detail, and your sentences have generally grown quite a bit.

I'm not ... sure, but I get the impression you spent more time (possibly reworking?) those parts; the first paragraph here, though is very simple and concise.

Now, Kyon is prone to long, rambling thoughts, so that's actually brilliantly done on your part!  (I've been told I'm pretty good at Kyon's 'voice', but I just don't have the knack to properly capture Kyon's analogies, so I'm actually taking lots of notes from you on Kyon's characterization here; I really like that.)  There are some instances where the narrative gets a bit wordy; it starts looking like my first-drafts to myself. >_>;;

I've heard that sculptors work by carving away everything in the stone that's not the sculpture -- say, an elephant.  So, to turn a block of stone into an elephant, one just chips away all the 'non-elephant' bits.  Writing doesn't work quite the same way, since we're starting with a blank slate, but sometimes (in my experience) I write huge blocks of story that aren't very good.  So, by chipping away the extra stuff and smoothing out the narrative flow, I end up with something that really does work.  It feels like something similar may be happening here. >.>

Mostly noting the contrast and pointing this out as a very good example of keeping it concise. :)

After I had properly thanked Tsuruya for her courtesy she disappeared into the house and I was left with the gardener who observed me appraisingly as if I were a particularly unruly sapling in dire need of some pruning. He hadn't so far said a single word that I'd have heard. The contrast to Tsuruya's cheery chattering couldn't have been stronger.

gardener who -- gardener, who
appraisingly as if -to-> appraisingly -- as if (suggestion)
I'd have heard -- I'd heard
chattering -- babbling (to avoid alliteration)

I was already starting to feel uncomfortable and Tsuruya's latest comments made me reconsider the wisdom in making the decision in the first place, but it was too late to back off now as I was here already, wasn't it? The silent gardener rummaged through his tools and came up with a small shovel and a squat, unadorned clay pot that he gave to me with the minimal amount of instruction.

First sentence is awkward and doesn't scan neatly -- I'd suggest rewording.

Also, if he's silent, how does he give instruction?  (He could actually have written instructions, I suppose....)  Suggest 'near-silent'?

I carried the shovel and the pot and followed the short man whose head was almost completely bald on the top and glistened in the bright sunlight. We walked in a leisurely pace past the buildings and gardens of the main complex into the forest behind the mansion. I had been on the estate grounds during the treasure hunt in February but as far as I could tell we weren't going in the direction of that mountain now. Instead, we went downhill to a vale between the surrounding hills and once we arrived at a small natural pond surrounded by a thicket I immediately saw that it was the exactly right place.

If you want to avoid repetition of 'pot', some instances could be replaced with 'vessel' (repetition may not bother you; not everyone really minds it).

The gardener made a slight gesture with his hand, indicating that I was free to choose what I wanted. I walked around the pond until I found something that closely matched my preconceived idea, and when I looked at the gardener he gave me a small approving nod. After some digging and manual adjustment the pot got properly occupied and I could wash my hands in the pond. We then walked the same route back to the mansion where I gave the shovel to the gardener and thanked him cordially for his effort.

'got properly occupied' scans oddly.  Maybe 'pot was properly filled'?

mansion where -- mansion, where

However, I still had to walk all the way back to North High carrying my new trophy, and although the load wasn't terribly heavy I was already tired and sweating profusely by the time I finally reached the club room and could drop the pot and its contents to the proper place. Oh boy, I didn't need Haruhi to task me with pointless errands any more because after a full year of training I managed do it all by myself! I poured some water in the pot and left the club room the second and final time for the day.

Oh, I see ... the flower that Yasumi created?

'could drop the pot and its contents to the proper place.' -- going back to the 'mission' context, maybe:
'could set down my burden, completing the mission'?

Having completed the task that had unwittingly talked myself into, I went home for dinner. Nothing worth mentioning happened that evening, at least as far as I was aware of, and I went to bed in a cautiously optimistic mood. On the whole, it hadn't been too bad a day, and if there wasn't anything significantly worse looming in the horizon then this might turn out to be a perfectly fine summer after all. One can always hope, right?

unwittingly talked myself into -- convinced myself to undertake (nitpicking on my part, because Kyon doesn't actually speak in the entire thing -- and while it could be used to indicate his internal dialog, he actually does go out of his way to avoid telling the reader what he's planning)

Okay.  That's it!


On the chance that some of this has somehow offended or otherwise been inappropriate, I assure you that such was entirely unintentional.  As I've mentioned to you before, Sarsaparilla, my intentions are always to accomplish good and help, no matter how seldom I am able to realize those intentions.  I truly mean nothing offensive, and if something here comes across that way, rest assured that I will hate myself for it infinitely more than you will.  >_<

Apologies for the drama!

[Brian]

Brian, I did not wish to express any implication that you are an intolerant person. Having met a large number of genuinely intolerant people (and perhaps having had a few of their habits rub off on me :-/), it unfortunately did not occur to me that my comment would cause you to see yourself this way. In fact, all I meant to express was that at first I thought there was no basis for drawing that particular connection based on two fics of very different quality, and so I'd tuned the comment out, but then I noticed a few slight parallels which made me think a little. Guhh... to think it was so easy for me to poison the atmosphere without meaning to...

Easily, the fault could be just as much for mine for not taking the ten minutes to think about my reaction before I had it.  That, too, would have saved us a lot of trouble. >_>;;;

Let's shake e-hands and call it a lesson learned on both our parts. ^_^;;

[Muphrid]

The longer I think about it, the more I realize that novels 9-11 (really, 10-11) just don't really sit well with me....  And I can't help but notice a marked downturn in new Haruhi fanfics corresponding with the release of the translations in English. :/

I have mixed feelings about the 9-11 arc.  There are a lot of new elements introduced and a lot of potential for new possibilities, yet those elements come in and exit neatly.  I mean, I had the basic idea for The Coin in my head well before 10 & 11 came out, and while I was relieved that they didn't require me to make huge changes, I was disappointed that they didn't, too.  Maybe there'll be a 12 and some more significant repercussions will be seen, but...I'm not sure.

"And remember, this is just for today. Failing to be present tomorrow is totally unacceptable and will incur a heavy penalty without exceptions!"

Well, this certainly wasn't something that happened every day. On my way to the club room I wondered whether it was the time to start worrying. Probably not. After all, didn't I have my own personal interests to attend to, as well?

What?  Sure it is -- Haruhi tosses the 'death penalty' around constantly.  Unless she's been letting off, in which case Kyon should probably note that it's been a long time since she's done it (seeing as she doesn't seem to have employed that tactic against Kyon to get him to study).

I think the unusual thing is for Haruhi to skip going to the club room; regardless, that could be clarified a touch.

[Brian]

Actually...why would a high school have an all-star team?  Do they do that there?

Well.  I've had a bit too much rum to handle proper research just now, but my brain says they might in Nishinomiya, given the relative importance of Koushien.  It's certainly feasible -- and even if it's unlikely, it seems entirely possible that Kyon would consider the team to be 'all-star'.  I suppose quotation marks could be justified.

Anyway, even my tender and eternally concerned mother who had raised me had already noticed the change, and had tried to find out the specific reason through circumspect and seemingly offhand questions. Evading my mother's inquiries made me feel somewhat conflicted. On one hand, I was receiving undue merit as long as she suspected that I had achieved the results through my own diligent effort, and on the other hand the situation would become even more complicated if I told her the real reason behind my improving grades. For all I knew my mother would probably insist to have Haruhi visiting us, maybe even regularly, so that my mother would get a chance to show her gratitude, and since Haruhi wasn't really used to receiving praise for the things she did on her own volition, she might decide to drop the whole project permanently, leaving me to my own devices again.

"who had raised me" can be cut.  Otherwise, this line of reasoning seems like a very plausible Haruhi-esque reaction.

I sense this is going to be a recurring trend, but I disagree.  Haruhi understood and somewhat even sought out positive reactions for her behavior after the Cultural Festival.  Perhaps I read too much into it, but I get a sense of lingering guilt in Haruhi's subconscious for the oh-so-conveniently sprained-wrist/sore throat of two members of ENOZ as the reason she didn't handle the praise well--  But consider that after that she went out of her way to arrange the SOS Brigade giving her old toys away for children, and then her interest in legitimately helping Sakanaka vs. just giving up on Emiri's case when it turned less interesting than she hoped -- weighing a depressed dog against a missing person, no less!

I should disclaim repeatedly that this may just be me and my take on things (and Dr. Baccardi (but I suspect he's not a real doctor >.>)).

"Kyon! Sometimes I really doubt whether you have what it takes to be a member of the SOS Brigade. You should be cheering for the home team, not jeering!"

This is a great line.

To contrast: A little bit, it actually bothered me that Haruhi even joked about Kyon not being part of the brigade anymore (part of why I considered her cold/rude to Kyon).  Death penalties, warnings of doom, complaints that he's always going to be the lowest ranking member, sure -- that's Haruhi all over.

But 'him not being there' even being on the table?  That didn't come up even when Kyon looked like he was going to punch her! :\

Yes -- just double-checked that in Sigh.  >_<  Even then, she didn't want him to go away, just to cooperate with her.

Overall:  the narration seems very natural.  It sounds like Kyon, and that's the most important thing.  All the nit-picking above over style and stuff is really quite minor compared to that.  I'd avoided to some extent the outline and other information you had before, but I know the basic thrust of what's to come.  In that respect, I feel like this might be a bit slow to develop, but not unduly so.  On finishing this part, it does seem like dividing at the first break might be inappropriate, as it doesn't catch what Kyon's done here in going to the Tsuruya estate, so that question may still take some thought.

On the whole, though, you should be very happy with this piece so far.  It's very good.

I have to echo that; I've learned quite a bit about how to portray Kyon from this. :)

Again what I said above ... I really shouldn't use baseball metaphors but the temptation was too strong. >_>

And once again, I disagree!  (I must be an incredibly disagreeable sort, I suppose. :/)

Baseball metaphors are fine; you can always ask for help with research if you're not sure of something.  I'm not sure where it went (and I may actually be thinking back to the Refuge) but we used to actually have a fanfiction/general research thread for when authors wanted second-opinions or more information on how to make something work.

Here, you tried something and Muphrid suggested an alternative that (at a glance) seems more applicable.  That seems to be one of the purposes of submitting something to a smaller group of peers first, right?

Basically....  Don't be afraid to experiment or try to work things into the scene that 'feel right' or are 'tempting'.  It seems like it worked out pretty well here, to me. :)

Actually, my original plan was to label the first three chapters (altogether around 40k words) as Prologue I, II and III, and start the main story after that ... somebody might see that as a bit excessive, though....

But to meet the minimal requirements for a prologue, I'll have to carry it at least to the end of the second half of Chapter I.

I wouldn't worry so much about the technical requirements for the prologue as much as what works for the story, which is pretty much again echoing Muphrid.  The arc covered by novels 9-11 had an aggregiously long prologue, I think almost 40% of the first book. @_@

[sarsaparilla]

Oh dear, this thread has grown fast! There's much more commentary than original text by this point.

It filters the target audience, which might be a good thing if you keep in mind that readers who make it to the later chapters are going to have a high tolerance for detail. You can spend less time worrying about whether the later chapters move too slowly when you need to get involved with the psychological elements, and more time actually exploring what you want to explore.

That is a good point. :)

In my opinion, it was not as much a matter of her growing up into a better person, as it was one of her once again becoming the nice person she had originally been, and I had several good reasons for believing so after all the things that I had learned during the incident in April.

Ooh... I'm guessing this refers to an implication (via the happy-face pin that Haruhi used to wear) that Yasumi is something akin to Haruhi in her elementary school days, personality-wise? I assume this will get explored further.

Yes, and yes.

Seems to suggest that Haruhi actually stops tutoring Kyon completely for two-three days in a row.

That is the intended interpretation, that it's a kind of sporadic on/off effort for Haruhi (which further confuses Kyon concerning her motives).

Incidentally, the Kaurismäki trilogy is highly recommended as a... unique experience. Not necessarily as a good way to understand Finland, maybe? I'm not sure how those movies are viewed domestically (curious to hear sarsaparilla's opinion on this)... to me it looks like a directing style that deliberately tries to make Finns look alien and opaque.

I haven't seen that many Kaurismäki movies myself, but the issue is somewhat complicated. The ... oddities ... are entirely real, and part of the Finnish culture. While actual manifestation of the traits depends very much on the demographic group (age, social class, location, etc.) they are still immediately recognizable to the large majority of the population. As to how they are viewed, I would personally say that it's mainly a mixture of endearment and subtle (self-deprecating) humor (a typical Finn sees the traits as mostly sympathetic). On the whole, all Kaurismäki movies explore the darker back alleys of the Nordic welfare state, and thus give a very ... particular ... perspective into the Finnish society. But yes, that's a part of Finland in its raw, non-Photoshopped state.

And, thanks for the feedback!

[sarsaparilla]

I hadn't heard the Japanese meaning of 'shosho' before, only the slang Spanish one, which is....  Erm.  Anyway!  >_>;;

The literal Japanese definition seems to be 'here and there', which I gather from context must mean something about 'vacation', but this is not (I believe) a commonly known loanword.  I'd go with the clearer word

Actually, shousho is the name of a certain period of the solar calendar and marks the beginning of the 'hot season' (the literal translation is 'little heat'), thus the intended meaning of the sentence was "it's already hot before the 'official' date". It also constrains the time frame of the narrative, because the beginning of shousho never falls beyond July 8 on the Gregorian calendar.

I'll probably drop joujun, though, as it is largely redundant.

I would suggest an em-dash in place of the comma in the second sentence

So far I've completely avoided dashes because I don't know whether they survive the FF.Net format butchering. Looks like I must conduct some experiments again. I already learned that it's possible to have proper sentence ending ellipses by inserting the coded character entity hellip followed by a dot. Still haven't found a way to make a clean section break, though.

Heh, even Kyon wonders where the dramatic tension went. =_=

The longer I think about it, the more I realize that novels 9-11 (really, 10-11) just don't really sit well with me....

I was rather disappointed as well. My theory is that the author published book 9 without thinking the plot all the way through, and essentially wrote himself into a corner, which then translated into the long hiatus and essentially a rather weak conclusion. To be completely honest, one of my motives for writing this fic is exactly to see whether I can create something better than that, at least plot-wise.

I thought closed space instances were way down following Sigh.

That's my interpretation as well, that they were rare but not completely non-existent until the situation escalated during the 9-11 arc again. Here I'm postulating that after that they stopped completely (extrapolation, I know, but there's a rather plausible explanation for that).

And it's not her 'not sure what expression to show' expression?

No, it's something else. ^_^

Amusing sidenote: Mountains are typically given the 'san' honorific (Ie., 'Fuji-san').

Indeed, that would've been Kyon's original thought but I couldn't find a way to translate the pun.

Fridge horror: Kyon does so poorly at school because Haruhi wants to be able to offer him something.

I am certainly aware of the possibility, and actually left the door open for a (somewhat) more benign interpretation, i.e., that the effect is real but unintentional, as in if Haruhi and Kyon both pick a number for lottery and Haruhi then wins by the virtue of being herself, it also means that Kyon loses unless he just happens to pick the same number as Haruhi, which is unlikely. So, Haruhi doesn't actually wish for Kyon to lose but that still happens through basic probability and Haruhi's wish to win.

Also, Kyon is way too erudite for his age, a thing that I kind of lampshaded in the passage as well.

This ... doesn't really feel like trouble finding its way to Kyon?

Ok, 'trouble' is a wrong word for what I tried to say, will rephrase.

That was a strangely cryptic and foreboding remark....

There isn't anything sinister lurking behind Tsuruya's comment, it's just a bit of foreshadowing for certain things that will eventually be discussed during the Florence arc, and are related to Asahina's character growth and status as a time traveler. Every member of the brigade will get some character growth during the story, even Koizumi. >_>

I know that I've written darker stuff before, but I want this story to be benign on all levels.

I don't like Kyon's introspection that Haruhi's softening/opening up to people contrasted with her actually being colder/ruder to him than she was in the novels that went before this.  Something about that feels off....  Maybe Kyon's underestimating Haruhi's distraction?

That is one of the unfortunate side effects of the artificial split of the chapter into two halves. Haruhi is planning something specific for the next day (and hence this comment:

"And remember, this is just for today. Failing to be present tomorrow is totally unacceptable and will incur a heavy penalty without exceptions!"

) and may come through as somewhat prickly, when in fact she's trying her hardest to avoid telegraphing her intentions (and the plan is also the reason for why she's skipping the meeting). The next day will have a completely different mood. Though, since Kyon has a plan of his own it becomes a bit of a Xanatos pileup -- the mental image I've been having for this chapter is that both of them are playing high stakes poker and bluffing like pirates.... But I'm still trying to keep the situation balanced.

Yes, the first half of the chapter doesn't show Haruhi in the best possible light, but my sincere hope is that it will look better in retrospect. There's one dangerously cute moment for Haruhi in the second half, but because of Kyon's (unintentional or deliberate, take your pick) obliviousness, it may require a bit of reading between the lines to notice it.

Also, the impression depends a lot on the tone of voice Haruhi is using, something that is not properly conveyed in the written format. I tried to use Kyon's observations to suggest that Haruhi is not being aggressively confrontative but I may have failed. Will have to meditate on the issue.

The thing that really weirds me out is how much of this prologue maps to the opening for the third act of The Dream of....  Admittedly, this doesn't have the same horrifyingly squicky/dysfunctional elements that that thing did (really, really, I don't suggest reading it!).  So, I may be unsettled for no reason, just because that was evoked by a similar opening (second year summer vacation, things are ostensibly improving between Kyon/Haruhi but it's not really reflected well in their 'onscreen' interactions, and Haruhi's concealing some plan involving the upcoming vacation (didn't read far enough into Dream to find out what her plan was, there)).  I'm sure it's just a coincidence; those things aren't terribly specific.

Though, I suppose that you're both Finnish authors.  Is there some cultural appeal to the concept/setup I'm unaware of, perhaps?  Maybe it's a reference to a story I'm not familiar with?

It doesn't ring a bell for me, so it's most likely coincidental, and the plans mentioned here are not related to summer vacation. I haven't read The Dream and don't even feel inclined to do so, but what little I know about it should be enough. I'm most definitely not going in the same direction.

As a completely unrelated side note, the author's pen name 'Perkele' means a particular supernatural being in the Finnish folklore, later identified with the Devil when Christianity was imported to Finland. It's also the most common and well-known Finnish swearword, about as flexible in its various applications as the F-word is in English, although instead of a sexual undertone the Finnish word indicates aggression -- it's possible to tell how enraged somebody is by the length of the rolling 'r' sound in the word (the longer the more enraged, to comical extremes).

Sure it is -- Haruhi tosses the 'death penalty' around constantly.

My bad, the 'unusual' part was a reference to Haruhi skipping the meeting. Will rephrase.

Minor note: The second year classes are closer to the clubroom -- I think it was pointed out in the last novels that Kyon/Koizumi had to leave the clubroom once Mikuru showed up to let her change (unless Kyon was delayed by walking to Haruhi).

Hmm ... I'll have to see how that might change some details. Good point.

"I see. Maybe I should have chosen the hanafuda pack instead?"

I couldn't even bother asking what Koizumi was insinuating with the oblique remark that he seemed to find somehow amusing.

Another unfamiliar loanword.  I stand by the suggestion of just working the definitions into the narrative, wherever possible. :)

That was a bit of a bilingual genius bonus, and only made sense if the reader noticed that while on the surface Kyon and Koizumi were talking about the card game they were playing, they were actually talking about relationships (with plausible deniability should anybody point out the fact). This is one of the devices that will be used repeatedly in the story.

Hanafuda is a Japanese card set with a somewhat different selection of cards. Koizumi picked the western set and they played five-card draw, an entry-level game for that set. The unvoiced thought was that had he picked a hanafuda pack instead, they would probably have ended playing another game known as koi-koi, the name of which in that context means 'continue', but could be understood as something else altogether.... (Gotta love the incredible ambiguity of the Japanese language.)

I believe that Kyon got the reference. ^_^

Ok, I know that I'm being very circumspect here, but I don't know how to make the issue slightly more obvious without totally blowing it up. I thought that it would be completely acceptable if the reader just skips that comment as random gratuitous Japanese.

this is one of the reasons that I don't like Kyon never having dialog properly offset.  My first thought was, "Why is Kyon telling us something we already know?" not "Is this spoken, or thought?"

Ok, that's a stylistic error I've been making all the time, and must learn to correct.

I am not at all following either what Kyon isn't telling us, or what Tsuruya's not telling us.  I'll just say I find Tsuruya's attitude annoyingly condescending; I think she'd be a lot more vague instead of teasing/mocking.  And if she's trying to give Kyon hints ... eh.

Ok, not the message I was trying to get through. Will rephrase.

was Mikuru's 'depression earlier in the year' refering to the Melancholy of Asahina Mikuru?  Otherwise, I'm not sure what incident that's alluding to (and probably, it could be slightly clarified a tiny bit), there.

Yes.

I also want to make a quick note here that Tsuruya collecting her shoes and following Kyon is a very brief transition.  It's well handled, but I'm noticing that a lot of your sentences seem to be a bit too ... hmm.  I can say 'wordy'?  It feels like you're trying to perfectly describe every detail, and your sentences have generally grown quite a bit.

There may be several factors contributing to my rambling. First, a typical Finnish word maps to several words or even a complete sentence in English, and thus a Finnish sentence can easily balloon into a paragraph in English if all the details are translated verbatim. Second, the Finnish language naturally leans toward extremely long, complicated sentences and some of that style necessarily carries over when I write English prose, as the patterns of thinking have been ingrained in my mind.

Even past such 'localization' concerns, when I slip into character and go through a particular scene, the experience is just as vivid and detailed as if I was watching it on TV, and there are lots of insignificant details that I never write down despite remembering them. So, I'm already cutting out a lot of stuff, and keep doing it on every round of revision. Sometimes it's just hard to decide what is irrelevant and what isn't (my subconsciousness has a habit of surprising me with seemingly superfluous details that on a closer inspection aren't).

it actually bothered me that Haruhi even joked about Kyon not being part of the brigade anymore (part of why I considered her cold/rude to Kyon).  Death penalties, warnings of doom, complaints that he's always going to be the lowest ranking member, sure -- that's Haruhi all over.

But 'him not being there' even being on the table?  That didn't come up even when Kyon looked like he was going to punch her!

Honestly, I wasn't even aware of the possibility that there could be any actual threat in there. Maybe it's exactly because in my mind Kyon dropping / getting dropped out of the brigade is something completely unthinkable. Ah, a blind spot. -_- I ... will rephrase the sentence. How about:

Kyon! I'm not asking you to grab a pair of pom-pons and start jumping up and down in excitement, but you should at least be cheering for the home team instead of jeering!

The implied mental image lifts the overall mood of the discussion ... for me, in any case. ^_^

Anyway, that was a lot to digest, I'll do my best to get everything in. I very much appreciate the feedback.

And, about Kyon's voice. I've noticed that he mostly draws his similes from a pool of culturally specific themes, with some math and physics thrown in. I've tried to emulate it by utilizing a list of kigo. Getting it nailed down perfectly is beyond my abilities, so I'm trying to come up with something that is similar in style if not the specific content.

[Brian]

Actually, shousho is the name of a certain period of the solar calendar and marks the beginning of the 'hot season' (the literal translation is 'little heat'), thus the intended meaning of the sentence was "it's already hot before the 'official' date". It also constrains the time frame of the narrative, because the beginning of shousho never falls beyond July 8 on the Gregorian calendar.

I'll probably drop joujun, though, as it is largely redundant.

...that's what I get for checking my outdated kana/kanji dictionary, instead of using wiki.  Heh, Hal's been insisting I upgrade, and this appears to prove him right.

So far I've completely avoided dashes because I don't know whether they survive the FF.Net format butchering. Looks like I must conduct some experiments again. I already learned that it's possible to have proper sentence ending ellipses by inserting the coded character entity hellip followed by a dot. Still haven't found a way to make a clean section break, though.

In my memory, dashes tend to be fine, as long as there aren't more than three of them.  A normal dash is a dash, but if the special em-dash character isn't availible for what ever reason, a double-dash suffices in plaintext.  Though, I appreciate your efforts in making ff.net display things correctly.

There's a laundry list of things that ff.net can/will do to formatting.  Off the top of my head: Almost any instance of three (or more) characters of any sort get omitted entirely (or pared down to three/less).  I used 'XXX' to indicate scene-breaks, since ff.net strips out '***' for some reason.  Spaces following any word with italics seem to get stripped out.  Anyone who uses '!?' (or the inverse) will find their punctuation pared down or stripped out.  Bleah.

Hard-coding <hr> tags should work....  Well, all of that's somewhat iffy -- ff.net actually goes through and occasionally updates whatever it is that they maintain that causes these issues -- they've stripped all the scene-breaks out of even some of my older stories, though very inconsistently.  It's possible that writing in .doc format and exporting it to ff.net works better, but that's just another hoop to jump through to get things onto ff.net.

More to the point -- do you have any interest in maintaining your own webspace?

I was rather disappointed as well. My theory is that the author published book 9 without thinking the plot all the way through, and essentially wrote himself into a corner, which then translated into the long hiatus and essentially a rather weak conclusion. To be completely honest, one of my motives for writing this fic is exactly to see whether I can create something better than that, at least plot-wise.

I think the delay between volumes alone indicates that your theory is quite likely.  For what it's worth, I think you're off to a good start. :)

That's my interpretation as well, that they were rare but not completely non-existent until the situation escalated during the 9-11 arc again. Here I'm postulating that after that they stopped completely (extrapolation, I know, but there's a rather plausible explanation for that).

That makes sense to me.

That was a strangely cryptic and foreboding remark....

There isn't anything sinister lurking behind Tsuruya's comment, it's just a bit of foreshadowing for certain things that will eventually be discussed during the Florence arc, and are related to Asahina's character growth and status as a time traveler. Every member of the brigade will get some character growth during the story, even Koizumi. >_>

I know that I've written darker stuff before, but I want this story to be benign on all levels.

In brighter light, shadows have more contrast.  I didn't think it was ominous, just something that promoted a sense of wariness.  Erm.  Maybe overstated that a bit....

That is one of the unfortunate side effects of the artificial split of the chapter into two halves. Haruhi is planning something specific for the next day (and hence this comment:

"And remember, this is just for today. Failing to be present tomorrow is totally unacceptable and will incur a heavy penalty without exceptions!"

) and may come through as somewhat prickly, when in fact she's trying her hardest to avoid telegraphing her intentions (and the plan is also the reason for why she's skipping the meeting). The next day will have a completely different mood. Though, since Kyon has a plan of his own it becomes a bit of a Xanatos pileup -- the mental image I've been having for this chapter is that both of them are playing high stakes poker and bluffing like pirates.... But I'm still trying to keep the situation balanced.

...wow, I didn't get that at all, especially since almost everything Kyon does/discusses that's 'gamelike' involves Koizumi, not Haruhi; her contribution is that he should be a cheerleader, not a participant.  FWIW, the situation feels incredibly unbalanced.  Haruhi's plan is some looming phenomenal thing that Tsuruya slips up on warning him about twice.  Kyon's plan makes Tsuruya giggle.  And then (if I follow): 'We're going on an international trip' vs 'I went to our mutual friend's place and dug up a plant'.

But -- that feels true to the way things frequently are between them.  Kyon's earnest but unwilling to put the proper effort in because he hates looking bad in comparison, so if he can say it was a half-hearted effort in the first place....  So, while I can't see it as being equal, I do see it as being true to the setting and characters.

Yes, the first half of the chapter doesn't show Haruhi in the best possible light, but my sincere hope is that it will look better in retrospect. There's one dangerously cute moment for Haruhi in the second half, but because of Kyon's (unintentional or deliberate, take your pick) obliviousness, it may require a bit of reading between the lines to notice it.

Also, the impression depends a lot on the tone of voice Haruhi is using, something that is not properly conveyed in the written format. I tried to use Kyon's observations to suggest that Haruhi is not being aggressively confrontative but I may have failed. Will have to meditate on the issue.

I have a suggestion for this.

As a completely unrelated side note, the author's pen name 'Perkele' means a particular supernatural being in the Finnish folklore, later identified with the Devil when Christianity was imported to Finland. It's also the most common and well-known Finnish swearword, about as flexible in its various applications as the F-word is in English, although instead of a sexual undertone the Finnish word indicates aggression -- it's possible to tell how enraged somebody is by the length of the rolling 'r' sound in the word (the longer the more enraged, to comical extremes).

...wow.  Just....  Wow.

I really have no idea what to say, except that really fits my image of the guy, and feels true to the one conversation we had. >_<

Minor note: The second year classes are closer to the clubroom -- I think it was pointed out in the last novels that Kyon/Koizumi had to leave the clubroom once Mikuru showed up to let her change (unless Kyon was delayed by walking to Haruhi).

Hmm ... I'll have to see how that might change some details. Good point.

And also a suggestion for this.  Now for some time travel:

it actually bothered me that Haruhi even joked about Kyon not being part of the brigade anymore (part of why I considered her cold/rude to Kyon).  Death penalties, warnings of doom, complaints that he's always going to be the lowest ranking member, sure -- that's Haruhi all over.

But 'him not being there' even being on the table?  That didn't come up even when Kyon looked like he was going to punch her!

Honestly, I wasn't even aware of the possibility that there could be any actual threat in there. Maybe it's exactly because in my mind Kyon dropping / getting dropped out of the brigade is something completely unthinkable. Ah, a blind spot. -_- I ... will rephrase the sentence. How about:

Kyon! I'm not asking you to grab a pair of pom-pons and start jumping up and down in excitement, but you should at least be cheering for the home team instead of jeering!

The implied mental image lifts the overall mood of the discussion ... for me, in any case. ^_^

I think I came down on that a bit too hard (I shouldn't C&C under the influence; oh, coding is fine, but C&C...).  The original remark can stay in, as Kyon himself isn't one to really read anything into it.  Haruhi, OTOH, I think would regret even the implications--  But since there should be a reason for Haruhi and Kyon to be delayed before getting to the clubroom anyway....

There's an opportunity just before Kyon and Haruhi part to have her show concern for his wellfare and double-back on her remark about questioning his worthiness to be in the brigade--  That's a pretty ideal place for her to badger Kyon about his study habits (possibly even, depending on how you want to play things, grabbing his wrist and holding him in place while she lectures him on which pages he should read, or the like).  It doesn't have to be the most endearing thing in the world, since you've got plans for that, but something that runs counter to the previous remark would address both of those situations simultaneously.

And Kyon can remain cheerfully oblivious.  :)

"I see. Maybe I should have chosen the hanafuda pack instead?"

I couldn't even bother asking what Koizumi was insinuating with the oblique remark that he seemed to find somehow amusing.

Another unfamiliar loanword.  I stand by the suggestion of just working the definitions into the narrative, wherever possible. :)

That was a bit of a bilingual genius bonus, and only made sense if the reader noticed that while on the surface Kyon and Koizumi were talking about the card game they were playing, they were actually talking about relationships (with plausible deniability should anybody point out the fact). This is one of the devices that will be used repeatedly in the story.

Hanafuda is a Japanese card set with a somewhat different selection of cards. Koizumi picked the western set and they played five-card draw, an entry-level game for that set. The unvoiced thought was that had he picked a hanafuda pack instead, they would probably have ended playing another game known as koi-koi, the name of which in that context means 'continue', but could be understood as something else altogether.... (Gotta love the incredible ambiguity of the Japanese language.)

In retrospect, I recall seeing 'hanafuda' in my translation of the Haruhi novels (and it wasn't explained there, either).  I don't want to boast, but if even I don't catch it, it's probably pretty obscure....  For what it's worth, I used the 'koi' pun directly in Later, so that part I did get; I'm only passingly familiar with 'koi-koi'.

I believe that Kyon got the reference. ^_^

Ok, I know that I'm being very circumspect here, but I don't know how to make the issue slightly more obvious without totally blowing it up. I thought that it would be completely acceptable if the reader just skips that comment as random gratuitous Japanese.

If you're okay with it, then it's okay.  If I were to write it, I'd handle it differently; what matters is that it works for you. :)

Ok, that's a stylistic error I've been making all the time, and must learn to correct.

I really do like the style when it's used sparingly. >_>;;

I am not at all following either what Kyon isn't telling us, or what Tsuruya's not telling us.  I'll just say I find Tsuruya's attitude annoyingly condescending; I think she'd be a lot more vague instead of teasing/mocking.  And if she's trying to give Kyon hints ... eh.

Ok, not the message I was trying to get through. Will rephrase.

The only reason I say this is because Tsuruya hints at something, tells Kyon not to think about it, and then hints at it again.  Considering that Kyon generally looks up to her (he asked her opinion on if he was a 'good person'), and that she should remember that Kyon was effectively the slowest one when it came to the winter mystery....  I think she's trying to be helpful and encouraging, but in that case, her hints could just be a bit more optimistic, while remaining vague.  Then it comes across as, "If you don't get it, things will work out," instead of, "There's something you don't know, and I want to remind you of that without explaining it!"

As with everything, this could be just me.

There may be several factors contributing to my rambling. First, a typical Finnish word maps to several words or even a complete sentence in English, and thus a Finnish sentence can easily balloon into a paragraph in English if all the details are translated verbatim. Second, the Finnish language naturally leans toward extremely long, complicated sentences and some of that style necessarily carries over when I write English prose, as the patterns of thinking have been ingrained in my mind.

Even past such 'localization' concerns, when I slip into character and go through a particular scene, the experience is just as vivid and detailed as if I was watching it on TV, and there are lots of insignificant details that I never write down despite remembering them. So, I'm already cutting out a lot of stuff, and keep doing it on every round of revision. Sometimes it's just hard to decide what is irrelevant and what isn't (my subconsciousness has a habit of surprising me with seemingly superfluous details that on a closer inspection aren't).

That's illuminating.  Sometimes I notice that you use words that could be superfluous since other words in the same sentence imply the same thing -- I've already remarked on where.  I'll keep that in mind when providing commentary.

For what it's worth, the message still carries in English; we just like smaller, more easily digestable bits. :)

Anyway, that was a lot to digest, I'll do my best to get everything in. I very much appreciate the feedback.

I'm glad to have helped. :D

And, about Kyon's voice. I've noticed that he mostly draws his similes from a pool of culturally specific themes, with some math and physics thrown in. I've tried to emulate it by utilizing a list of kigo. Getting it nailed down perfectly is beyond my abilities, so I'm trying to come up with something that is similar in style if not the specific content.

Aha, a resource!  Excellent; thank you very much for the link!  :)

[sarsaparilla]

In my memory, dashes tend to be fine, as long as there aren't more than three of them.  A normal dash is a dash, but if the special em-dash character isn't availible for what ever reason, a double-dash suffices in plaintext.  Though, I appreciate your efforts in making ff.net display things correctly.

Ok, I tried it and both the encoded en-dash and em-dash are preserved properly. Yay for a typographical tool I've been missing.

Hard-coding <hr> tags should work....

That's what I've been doing, but I'd very much prefer an empty line as the section break. So far the site has stubbornly refused to co-operate with me on this issue.

More to the point -- do you have any interest in maintaining your own webspace?

I don't know how to do that, or how difficult or expensive it is ... or who would even want to visit such a page. At the moment I'm content to be a freeloader on sites maintained by other people. _{I'm glad that you're tolerating me on this site despite me being, well, me.}

the situation feels incredibly unbalanced.  Haruhi's plan is some looming phenomenal thing that Tsuruya slips up on warning him about twice.  Kyon's plan makes Tsuruya giggle.  And then (if I follow): 'We're going on an international trip' vs 'I went to our mutual friend's place and dug up a plant'.

Actually, it's not at all like that. Tsuruya genuinely thinks that Kyon's idea is good (and I agree with her, it's the second tile in the chain of dominoes) and doesn't know anything about Haruhi's plan (other than using her intuition to suspect that there is one). Haruhi's plan is not at all related to the summer vacation, and then ... something else happens. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

The only reason I say this is because Tsuruya hints at something, tells Kyon not to think about it, and then hints at it again.  Considering that Kyon generally looks up to her (he asked her opinion on if he was a 'good person'), and that she should remember that Kyon was effectively the slowest one when it came to the winter mystery....  I think she's trying to be helpful and encouraging, but in that case, her hints could just be a bit more optimistic, while remaining vague.  Then it comes across as, "If you don't get it, things will work out," instead of, "There's something you don't know, and I want to remind you of that without explaining it!"

Tsuruya doesn't speak anything about Haruhi's plan on the first meeting, and doesn't return to the topics of the first meeting during the second one, these are two completely separate issues. There are many more moving parts here than in my previous fics, and most of them aren't even intended to be visible at this point.

I'll be taking a closer look at everything she says, to avoid misinterpretations, as I'm only trying to be vague, not intentionally misleading.

There's an opportunity just before Kyon and Haruhi part to have her show concern for his wellfare and double-back on her remark about questioning his worthiness to be in the brigade--  That's a pretty ideal place for her to badger Kyon about his study habits (possibly even, depending on how you want to play things, grabbing his wrist and holding him in place while she lectures him on which pages he should read, or the like).  It doesn't have to be the most endearing thing in the world, since you've got plans for that, but something that runs counter to the previous remark would address both of those situations simultaneously.

Hmm ... it probably won't fit in in that particular form, but it might be possible to adjust it a bit. I'll see what I can do.

[Muphrid]

On the topic of uploading to FFN, I think they go out of their way to deny people the use of an empty line as a break, so we have all manner of makeshift solutions.  I'm currently using a centered # symbol.

Honestly, the restrictions of FFN-compatible HTML strike me as very limiting.  It doesn't understand headers or css it seems, so all formatting has to be hard-coded.  That's not something people should need to do, in my opinion, and writing something to be FFN-compatible only to put it elsewhere with a different set of conventions and peculiarities is a hassle.  I know Brian uses a variant of Markdown to achieve some measure of format independence.  I personally use LaTeX because it makes the input of accented characters extremely simple (though not without a lot of additional complexity and overhead) and a perl script to parse those files into HTML, plain text, or other formats as needed (though for FFN I use latex2rtf to convert ultimately to an odt file).  At any rate, there are options to make it easier to convert between formats and worry less about that--since, after all, writers shouldn't have to worry so much about that stuff when writing itself is difficult enough.

[Brian]

Hard-coding <hr> tags should work....

That's what I've been doing, but I'd very much prefer an empty line as the section break. So far the site has stubbornly refused to co-operate with me on this issue.

You won't get that to work on ff.net. :(

They're actually opposed to the extra space -- won't allow more than one newline between lines of text (or characters).  I'm not sure why they strip out what they do -- URLs I can understand, as that prevents spammers, but what's wrong with a line of dashes or stars?  Are they afraid people are going to post ASCII art, or something? O_o?

Bah -- annoyance.

More to the point -- do you have any interest in maintaining your own webspace?

I don't know how to do that, or how difficult or expensive it is ... or who would even want to visit such a page. At the moment I'm content to be a freeloader on sites maintained by other people.

From personal experience, it's not that hard to make a rudimentary webpage -- Hal's even taught me .css and helped me out (I should say provided) the java tool on my site that switches between themes.  The main reason I suggest it is because sometimes I got irritated by ff.net changing my stuff, and it seems you're not entirely satisfied, either.

Difficulty isn't terrible, and I think we'd be more than willing to help you get off the ground -- but it would also give you a chance to showcase your drawings (either in a gallery, or within the stories themselves, like the original light novels).  I know ff.net can't handle that....  Cost is irrelevant for this offer, unless you start using your account to host large file transfers or illegally pirated software/media (which I somehow doubt is a concern, outside of translated material, which we're generally cooler about).  For the last, I can imagine quite a few people -- I for one am curious as to what you think is a nice visual formatting methodology for your stories, and I think it'd be great to see the art included. ;)

Since I've failed all subtlety: I have a lot of pull with the administrators of the site (Hi, Drac, Rez, Hal!), so it's not too much trouble to ask to get a free account set up for you as well (we're an association of friends, not a business) -- or if you're not interested in the maintainence aspect, I wouldn't mind hosting it for you on my site directly and managing it as per your requests (I've been meaning to work on my web coding skills for a while, so another chance to do the same wouldn't bother me at all -- plus, I feel I have to offer something to thank you for that amazing fanart.  ^_^;;  If it's something as simple as providing you web-hosting, well, I'd be glad to arrange it).

_{I'm glad that you're tolerating me on this site despite me being, well, me.}

I think my position as 'most self-depricating' is being challenged. ^_^;;

Actually, it's not at all like that. Tsuruya genuinely thinks that Kyon's idea is good (and I agree with her, it's the second tile in the chain of dominoes) and doesn't know anything about Haruhi's plan (other than using her intuition to suspect that there is one). Haruhi's plan is not at all related to the summer vacation, and then ... something else happens. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Ah, okay; I even found where you'd already clarified that in another reply, so that's entirely my mistake.  A good example of why my commentary should be taken with a grain of salt! :p

Tsuruya doesn't speak anything about Haruhi's plan on the first meeting, and doesn't return to the topics of the first meeting during the second one, these are two completely separate issues. There are many more moving parts here than in my previous fics, and most of them aren't even intended to be visible at this point.

I'll be taking a closer look at everything she says, to avoid misinterpretations, as I'm only trying to be vague, not intentionally misleading.

Hmm.  I think I see--  I'll have to re-read it.  I admit, my C&C prevented me from really getting the flow of the story, as I notice more on the first pass, typically, and my micro-scale view was not the best for the meta/macro-scale, due to the constant stops for research, fact-checking, and the occasional meeting. <.<

Hmm ... it probably won't fit in in that particular form, but it might be possible to adjust it a bit. I'll see what I can do.

I always like when my suggestions spark an even better idea, so I'm glad to see you've got something on that front. :)


Edit: Oh, one possible way (somewhat) around the newline issue on ff.net--  Though it'll look hideous (IMO) without indenting (which ff.net will not allow you in any way, shape, or form): You can end every line manually -- removing the double-spacing, effectively -- and just leave a single blank newline to separate out segments.