[Naruto] Shinigan, chapter 16

[alethiophile]

This has taken me eight months to write, the majority of which I, well, wasn't actually working on it at all. I feel dreadfully remiss.

Context is here.

[Jason_Miao]

This has taken me eight months to write, the majority of which I, well, wasn't actually working on it at all. I feel dreadfully remiss.

You should feel remiss.  Especially compared to the writers on this board, each one considered amongst the most dedicated, prolific, and disciplined of the literary craft.  *coughcough*

It was a bright, sunny day.

As a general rule, do not start story or chapter with observations about the weather.  Remember that the single most panned first line of a story goes "It was a dark and stormy night."

And if it makes you feel any better, I've made the same gaffe.  I have a fic on this board which used to start with observations of the lunar cycle, until I realized how pointless it was to start a chapter like that.

Four of them walked in a row.

Since you'd just finished talking about arena seats in the immediately preceding paragraph, I was momentarily confused when I read this line.

Five of the genin had arrived; Shino had come in with him and Sasuke, and Ino and Shikamaru had been present already. Shikamaru was, predictably enough, lying on the ground staring upward; Ino had apparently given up on making him pay attention, and had sat down next to him in exasperation.

Two lines w/semicolons next to one another are odd enough to stand out.

(after more reading)

Most people do not use semicolons, which is a shame.  You seem to have the opposite problem: you're  slightly overfond of them to suit my tastes.  None of the uses appear to be technically incorrect per se, but only a few of the lines where you've used one is noticeably improved for its inclusion.

Naruto sighed, glancing around. "Hyuuga bastard can't even be on time for his own fight? Great."

Sasuke, beside him, sniffed, mock-haughtily. "Hn. You'd never see an Uchiha engage in such behavior."

Heh.

His first experiment with Hinata: that even the Byakugan, the most powerful technique of insight still alive in the world, could not quickly distinguish a shadow clone from its maker.

This sentence seems incomplete, and somewhat at odds with the rest of the paragraph.  Perhaps "He knew that he was safe with anonymity.  His first experiment with Hinata had proven that even the Byakugan..."

Instead, Naruto consciously drew out the fox's powerâ€"the lines, which had faded into the background as Naruto ignored them, burned again black and _wrong_ in his sight, tracing across the ground, his enemy, himself, and he could foresee it, he only needed to call the slicing power of the cloak to him and it would leap out, make those weaknesses of the flesh tear the Hyuuga apartâ€"but instead, he only pushed as much of the red power as he could into his right hand, and as the wave approached, he slammed power out through his arm and punched upward with all his strength.

Run-on sentence.

Then it flashed even brighter, not so much as to blind but still more than anyone else he could think of could make a technique, as the Uzumaki behind him shouted. "Shuriken kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Wasn't he ordered to never use that on allies?

[alethiophile]

As a general rule, do not start story or chapter with observations about the weather.  Remember that the single most panned first line of a story goes "It was a dark and stormy night."

I'm not really sure why this would be a rule. As far as I can tell, that particular first line is reviled because the rest of the line is basically encrusted with narrative cruft. Anyway, the weather is actually a somewhat significant bit of scene-setting here. Is there a more recommended method?

Wasn't he ordered to never use that on allies?

Um. No? I haven't mentioned this technique yet, except to hint at it at the end of the last chapter. I probably need to reread, but I can't recall Naruto being told not to use anything on allies.

Thanks for the notes.

[Jason_Miao]

As far as I can tell, that particular first line is reviled because the rest of the line is basically encrusted with narrative cruft.   Anyway, the weather is actually a somewhat significant bit of scene-setting here.

The narrative cruft is pretty much all about the wind and rainy weather (in London, for that is where the story lies).  It's not considered good practice to open with the weather because it does nothing for you or the reader.  When do people talk about the weather in real life?  Usually when they have nothing else to talk about.  There's usually plenty to write about when starting a new chapter, so rather than write about the weather, write about that.

Although the weather may play some significant role later in the story, if you dropped the entire first paragraph and replaced it with the single line "To the participants of the Chuunin Exam Third Stage hurrying toward the arena, the day of reckoning was at hand.  Four of them walked in a row...", it's hard to see how that makes your chapter worse.  I'm not saying that you should use that line in particular; I'm sure you can do better.  But that line covers "who", "what", "when", "where" - It was a sunny day doesn't cover any of it.

And why is the weather significant?  If this chapter was focused on a ship in the midst of a hurricane, trying to survive, then I still wouldn't suggest you open the with the weather but at least I'd understand where you're coming from.  This chapter is about the final part of an international contest.  It's about first fight of a substitute for war, with a non-substitute looming in the background.  It's about keeping promises.  It's about willpower over fate.  It's about an underdog beating up a powerful jerk.  Any of these five points, severally or in combination, could make a good theme to this chapter. 

Some sample openers that popped in mind for this chapter.  If you understand how I came up with these, then you should be able to whip up your own that better suits what you want as the theme of the chapter.

[1]
Today was the final day the Chuunin exams, and Neji's fate was death.  Few were as intimate with death as Naruto.  He, more than most, knew that death was all around him, part of everything and carried by everyone in a burden so light that people usually didn't even notice.  Neji stood in his way of becoming Chuunin, and stood in Hinata's way towards her happiness.  Bringing death to Neji would be easy.

But Naruto had made a promise to Hinata.  The easy path was foreclosed to him.  And so, Naruto would change Neji's fate.

[2]
Today could be Naruto's last day as a genin.  Today could be his last day alive.  But walking next to Hinata, now healed from her fight against Neji, with her hand clasped to his own, Naruto's thoughts were on more important matters.  Even when the arena where the Chuunin exam tournament was to be held loomed in sight, he was just happy to be able to walk with Hinata once more.

(describe path to arena as they draw close.  Hinata stumbles slightly over a crack, Naruto expresses concern, health dialogue as below)

[3]
The last day of almost every Chuunin exam, in every country, carried drama and excitement, and today was no different.  Impending war against the nation, promises of vengeance and life, the struggle against fate; these were issues against which even Kage struggled with difficulty.  As Naruto walked with his friends towards the arena, Hinata by his side, he was thankful that Sakura was chirping about such simple topics as about how nice a day it was.  He didn't need to think about Neji right now.

1: a bit pretentious, but sets the theme to be about the Shinigan and how Naruto isn't using it.   Since your fic is "Shinigan", tying your chapter back to the overarching theme is usually a decent move. It also throws a bit of a twist in perception when Neji decides to monologue about how awesome he is and how he's the fateiest of fated fate-havers with fates: the reader knows exactly how wrong Neji is, even if Naruto says nothing.

2: a bit fluffy, with foreshadowing of the fighting.  Serves as contrast to the rest of the chapter, but doesn't hide that there will be fighting.

3: straight-up no-finesse opener.  And it includes a bit about the weather, so if you really need to establish it's a nice day, there you go.

Wasn't he ordered to never use that on allies?

Um. No? I haven't mentioned this technique yet, except to hint at it at the end of the last chapter. I probably need to reread, but I can't recall Naruto being told not to use anything on allies.

Oh.  There was some other fic I read where Naruto is taught a technique in Wave to make a wall of things he throws.  The fic wasn't significantly memorable, and I didn't reread your earlier chapters, so when I read the similar technique here, I must have mixed up the Wave arcs.   My mistake.

[Halbarad]

I'll admit to primarily skimming through the second half of the fic, but some general observations:

You're very heavily reliant on comma-offset phrases, enough so that it's more noticeable when you have sentences without any commas in them. Remember that dependent on context, you can also use em-dashes to offset phrases, or break a long line into multiple sentences.

I didn't really see an overuse of semicolons myself, but keep in mind that a semicolon is the weakest possible way of splicing two sentences together. When you're splicing two 'heavy' sentences together (loaded down with comma-offset phrases) with one, it's a noticeable weak point in the sentence.

Em-dashes should, in general, have spaces on either side of them. The exception is when a word is being cut short. Ellipses should also be followed by a space, as with most other punctuation marks.

General recommendation for the entire fic: do a comma cull. Look for ways to restructure your sentences that will cut down on the number of separate clauses, and in some cases break things out to multiple sentences. Granted, this is still something I struggle with myself, so pot/kettle criticism here is fine.

Most other comments are in-line in the attached chapter revision.

[alethiophile]

Em-dashes should have spaces? I have actually literally never seen them written like that. First bit—interjection—second bit is the way it's been in just about everything I've ever read.

[Brian]

Actually.

It does not matter how the spacing is used with the em-dashes, provided it is consistent to itself (that being the fic/body of work in question/related documents made by the same publishing house).  Different publishers use different style guides.

I can look this up in the Chicago Manual of Style when I get home if you would like their official stance on it, but we don't have an official style guide for fanfiction.

...though, I guess we could combine pedantry and make one.

[alethiophile]

By your pedantry combined, I am Captain Grammar!

...nah.

Anyway, posted revised version.