[Haruhi][Rewrite] Later

[Jason_Miao]

Apologies, Miao, that was undeserved.  I failed to isolate in time.  That's entirely on me.

Heh.  No worries.  I felt confused, more than anything else. :)

Also, really sorry to hear that you'd actually felt poisoned against writing your own fic.  That was pretty horrifying to me, when I read that.  I've had stories which were frustrating, and stories that I wrote that I thought were great...that dropped into a void of silence.  But I've never had the experience of not liking writing the story itself.  Hope things go better with your other projects.

[Muphrid]

Quick impression:  the book works, man.  It really works.

Kyon slipping up and saying "our" baby is also pretty cool.

Near the end, 'Yuki was once an alien' should be Nagato, of course, as it comes from Kyon's mouth.

Other than that, the only thing I'm concerned about is that Asakura's reasons for wishing them well don't come across.  I think some might think she's about to kill them or the child or something equally heinous off-screen.

I don't know if you already have made up your mind on the epilogue.  I do want to say that Haruhi just losing her power to some outside force, to me, begs a lot of questions about the nature of that outside force and such.  If she decided to strip herself of her power, I think that can be digested.  I think I see what you mean, though:  as cute as it is to think about little Yasumi's adventures, what does it do to conclude Kyon's journey thus far?  That's an open-ended question because I think any ending can be spun any way you wish.  Since I know you've gone through many iterations and have rethought this story a good bit (just as I have with The Coin), I only pose the question--in part because I don't want to pollute the possibilities with what I think you can do (as you've probably noticed, I do that a lot, and it's something I'd hope to improve--that I can get ideas across without being so concrete).

On another note, fridge question:  how much does Tsuruya know by now regarding the truth about Haruhi, the brigade, and so on?  It could be construed as a bit of a let down for her, not to be clued in on these things after so long while Kyon's telling Haruhi.

[Jon]

I don't know if you already have made up your mind on the epilogue.  I do want to say that Haruhi just losing her power to some outside force, to me, begs a lot of questions about the nature of that outside force and such.  If she decided to strip herself of her power, I think that can be digested.

I'd suggest doing it as sort of a centipede's dilemma -- the power doesn't work if she's aware of it.


Looks like I'll have to reread this whole thing. I never caught on to any kind of reincarnation subtext in the original, though, so maybe I'm not observant enough.

[Brian]

Oops, thanks for the catch.

Heh, yeah, probably toning Ryouko down will help with that.  I was aiming for a call back to her vanishing in book one, but I see in retrospect it doesn't lose its sinister overtones.  She can have calmed down a bit, then.

Well, she may have power, she may not -- I'm ending the story before it comes up and letting people draw their own conclusions.  If it gets across that the power is no longer relevant as an obstruction to them being together, then I'm happy with it.

Fridge response: Oh, dang, I didn't even think about that last part.  Hmm, yeah, I think by that point she'd have to be clued in.  It wasn't like she hadn't seen Kyon get healed from her husband's assault, after all.  Plus, it'd diminish the theme of honesty and trust bridging difficulties (a theme I find I like a bit more than the original one, so that was entirely worth it).

Edit: Updated the first post a bit to find the entire story, since it's gotten a bit scattered.

[sarsaparilla]

Now I'm starting to understand how Kyon must have felt after the joining of the timelines in book 11....

Ok, the new ending works, it's sweet, upbeat and down-to-earth at the same time. It doesn't require any epilogue, and any threads that were left hanging are rather inconsequential. I'm happy with it as it is.

If you ever want to write a more emotional portrayal of Haruhi, then this would be the perfect opportunity, right after she has finished reading the book. Pregnancy and delivery already mess up the hormone balance, and the book makes Haruhi suddenly see her (and Kyon's) entire life in a new light (and also reminds her of the path that was barely averted), so a ... less composed reaction would be completely understandable at that point.

If the motives of Asakura need clarification, the natural place to work that into the story would be at the point where she saves Kyon from Tsuruya's husband.

I don't see any problem in Tsuruya's relation to the revelation, as it is rather well established, both in the books and here, that she knows that something is going on but she doesn't want to pry. If anything, I would assume that she'd chide Kyon for not letting Haruhi know earlier.

I can do a full re-read of the story once you're satisfied with the whole set.

I'd suggest doing it as sort of a centipede's dilemma

Hmm ... that's something that might fit perfectly in the fic that I'll be writing next ... if nobody minds a blatant idea grab >_>

[Brian]

I still need to figure out what Haruhi offers in chapter six, though.  And some more polish on chapter two ... I think those are the major remaining issues.

I think as fragile as Haruhi has been throughout this story, the ending's a good place to let her show her strength by keeping everything together after all.

I can't think of anything else major I want to revise....  Alright.  I'll try and take care of those last revisions today.  As always, thanks for the feedback.  :)

[Jon]

Hmm ... that's something that might fit perfectly in the fic that I'll be writing next ... if nobody minds a blatant idea grab >_>

Go for it!

[Brian]

Okay, Drac updated attachment limits, so the entire fic is now here:

http://www.soulriders.net/forum/index.php/topic,101856.msg1025408.html#msg1025408

Thematically this is final (though, I _still_ couldn't figure out something for Haruhi to offer in chapter six ... not sure what to do about that).  There may be some grammatical errors but generally, but I think it'll all be polish.  Otherwise I'll let this rest for a week and come back to it with fresh eyes to figure out what to do about that part. :x