[Haruhi] In Your Dreams

[Brian]

I try very hard not to think about the idea I had briefly of summoning a Mikuru of some sort--  "Nothing at all!"

Asahina?

Ugh.  I _keep doing this_.  >_<

Though her grin doesn't diminish in the slightest, Haruhi's outfit remains.

If her mirth isn't diminished, is it unusual that Haruhi's outfit would remain?

No, another instance of my incorrect reflexive word usage.  I am in a rut.  @_@

Her grin not diminishing in the slightest, the rest of Haruhi's outfit remains as I changed it.

Is it not (going by wiki) "Furude" and "Ryuuguu"?

Going with the corrections Hal made for K:BDH, actually. >_>;

Well -- consistency trumps accuracy, and all that. >_<

I'm not about to tell anyone I had a dream that ended in a way that reminded me of an uncomfortable set of days last December!  Aside from which, my family remember those same days very, very differently from me.  A whole different set of things I don't want to talk about with them.

Is there some way to improve the "that ended in a way that" part?  It feels like one of the "that"s could be cut with a restructuring.

Ah ... hmm.  Didn't really jar for me, but 'that' is a word which can get rather a lot of use.  Either replace it with 'which' or 'that ended' becomes 'ending'.  I ... think I'll go with the former.

Excitable.

Eep--  I failed my spellcheck again. >_<

Unless mentioned, used all of your spelling/grammar corrections.

I like that Kyon justifies the thought of telling Haruhi the truth by thinking that Asahina deserves his protection as much as Nagato does.  Not wanting to spill the beans unilaterally also makes sense, and trying to split the difference by telling her to seek out Nagato seems reasonable.

Excellent; glad to hear this aspect seems to be working. :D

Thanks for the feedback, Muphrid; naturally, I'll let Hal respond to comments on his scenes himself. :)

[Halbarad]

"I'm- I..." she splutters briefly, then shakes her head. "Okay, I can admit that I've thought about something like that, but there's no way it would ever go any further than that!"

For this moment, Asahina slips into tone and phrasing that is rather frank.  "Okay, I can admit..."  That approach seems like a deviation from how she usually acts.  I think Asahina would be more reluctant while she admits such a flight of fancy unless it's intended as a glimpse of some inner personality we've yet to see.  And despite my concern about the first half of the sentence, "there's no way it would ever go any further than that!" seems entirely appropriate.


In general, this scene with Asahina does do well to have Haruhi forge a better relationship there, to consider Asahina's feelings about being shown as a mascot.  Very positive all around.

I can see the disconnect here, but I'm not entirely sure how to address it better. I do want to work on building a better relationship between Haruhi and Mikuru, and to do that Mikuru's -also- going to have to stretch beyond her usual frame of reference when relating to Haruhi; I figured this spot would work for it, since Haruhi isn't actually asking her something she has to skirt around.

I do tend to think there's a more inner personality that we haven't seen much of for Mikuru; not necessarily something drastically different than who we -have- seen, but so much of her personality as presented is her reacting to Haruhi or other events that I think it's just naturally obscured most of the time.

After consideration, just changed the wording in the line itself; Haruhi's already doing a lot of wheedling here, so adding to it could drive the scene towards the ridiculous. =P

"And why not?" Spotting something on one of the displays towards the back of the store, I grab Mikuru's wrist and pull her along with me as I head towards my target - and on arrival, I jerk the costume off the display and thrust it into her hands. I can't help but grin as her eyes go wide. "You can't imagine serving tea in a French maid outfit?"

"I'm- I..." she splutters briefly, then shakes her head. "Okay, maybe I could _imagine_ doing something like that, but there's no way it would ever go any further than that!"

[Arakawa]

I was able to go back and summarize my objection, which means apparently I'm over this now, emotionally speaking! ^_^;; Anyhow, I saw the posted chapter and it seems to work so far; the real thing I'm curious to see now is how it goes from Haruhi's side.

After finding that the vast majority of what I noticed is covered by previous C&C, there's not much for me to add, really, except for one thing I may have given an incorrect impression of:

My issue is that I'm not familiar enough with lucid dreaming to grasp things like that intuitively; I forgot that nothing can happen if one of them doesn't want (or at least expect) it to on some level, which suddenly puts a layer of 'intent' into what was supposed to be an accident -- or else we need to lampshade that the shared space follows different rules.

Just to correct a possibly-misleading impression: my own experience shows that, until you find the right attitude, your unconscious mind can and will throw unpleasant or embarrassing things at you even in a lucid dream. So, this is more of a case where you specifically need to establish that your shared dreams don't work the same way as (some people's) lucid dreams on this point -- because otherwise you run into the issue that shared dreams in real life are apt to be disastrous.

It shouldn't be too difficult to establish the distinction between Kyon and Haruhi's unconscious minds being free to throw unexpected and even unwanted things at them (a concept you can have a lot of fun with), versus crossing the line into actively betraying and embarrassing them in front of each other.

[Brian]

That's a sound point, but breaking entirely with realism for the sake of good and proper storytelling:

If it wasn't working for other reasons anyway, that element can be pulled.  While it's interesting, and adds a subtext, if it's overwhelming or distasteful, there's no reason not to back off on it.  It's flavor, and in this instance, seems a _bit_ overspiced.

Case in point, the revisions keep events largely the same, without the gratuity.  That seems fine, to me. >_>;


Anyway, to the point of establishing the differences between what's going on in this story as opposed to yours and Sarsaparilla's experiences....  In order to do this properly, we have to actually educate all readers who aren't you (or otherwise don't already have an understanding/expectation of how 'proper' lucid dreaming should work), first.  Anyway ... I personally think it should be clear that this doesn't follow all the normal rules just because Haruhi's involved.  All the same, the goal is to adhere to the guidelines of what we can expect the typical reader to understand/know about the idea, and then lampshade our differences deliberately.

It's also possible that my lucid dreaming is very different from yours (and hers) because of my specific mental-compartmentalization; for example, I am able to fully and completely reject 'unwanted' elements, or just leave them behind and go elsewhere in those few lucid dream(like thing)s I've had, which seems to be something that Sarsaparilla is unable to do.

Our minds don't work the same way, and we're not always going to follow the same rules.  I've somewhat mentioned this before, but at one point in a lucid dream (or what I thought of as one), I found myself reliving an unpleasant experience from my past -- and I rejected it, being completely unwilling to endure it again.  While I couldn't change the environment or the aggressors, I could remove myself from that place -- and did so by flying away and through a window (and the window's screen and bars, like smoke).  This ties into Sarsaparilla's note that sometimes escaping from a nightmare can be a trigger for lucid dreaming; I think that's what happened there.  (I spent the rest of the dream flying around like I was swimming, able to breathe underwater and looking for ... I forget that part.  I enjoyed the sensation of floating, though.)


At the same time, lampshading that what Haruhi and Kyon are sharing is different probably _is_ in order, if only to stop betraying improperly set expectations.

[Halbarad]

Man, I'm slow. Brian was done with chapter 7 two weeks ago!
But at least chapter 6 is longer, HA HA.
I am a terrible person.

Here's chapter 6 for now; as always, feedback is appreciated in advance. =)

[thepanda]

But I don't really think that's the case here,

Should end with a period.

Whatever the reason, I'm particularly inclined to kick myself out of the dream, at least not yet.

Maybe change to -
"Whatever the reason, I'm not particularly inclined to kick myself out of the dream just yet."

[Halbarad]

Thanks for the catches, Panda. =) Both corrected.

[Muphrid]

Haruhi reacts to the end of last chapter, thinking how she can bug Kyon more when he gets back.  She sleeps in later than usual, receives a mysterious phone call, and resolves to pay Kyon back for taking control of something she'd set up for her dream.

Well, one way or another, he'll be back in a few days, and I'm sure he'll be back to his usual lazy self - he can catch up on his sleep in class. As long as he's not napping during Brigade meetings, I don't honestly care myself, and I guess I could help him keep up, at least for a while.

After he disappeared, the dream kept going for a while, but it wasn't all that much fun. Mikuru was totally startled by Kyon disappearing, but it didn't bother her for more than a few minutes. Still, having what amounts to a puppet cheering for me just wasn't the same at all. Getting out of the dream was actually easier than I thought; I just pictured a giant switch - like something out of an old Frankenstein movie - and yanked it. Just like that, I found myself groggily blinking awake.

Repetition.

I didn't really have anything planned for today, though, so it didn't really bother me that much - and thanks to that, I've pretty much taken it easy. The only minor interruption happened shortly after I woke up; my cell phone rang once, but by the time I got out of bed to check on it, it had already stopped - and the number wasn't anything I recognized, so I'm guessing it was just a wrong number that they realized after they'd let the phone ring. It was enough to get me out of bed, at least - and it was pretty late, anyway - so that's not a terrible thing.

More repetition.


Haruhi visits Nagato, thinking it best to check up on her.  Haruhi says she remembers the way from Valentine's, but didn't she and the rest of the brigade spent New Year's there, too, playing games?

She finds Kimidori and thinks that the student council's presence must mean it's serious.  Well, it is, but not the way she thinks.  Kimidori strangely doesn't even notice Haruhi until she turns to leave.  One can wonder if Haruhi's powers keep Kimidori from noticing; nevertheless, I feel like the reason this happens should be important.  Certainly Haruhi hears a lot more than was meant for her ears.

"Ah- Suzumiya-san!  I... didn't expect to see you here!" She tries to give me a smile, but I'm not buying it after that... whatever it was she did to Yuki. A threat? A warning? I'm not even sure, but whatever it was, it didn't sound good!

Repetition.

I can't resist a parting shot, though. "Ever manage to find another boyfriend, at least?" I call out mockingly.

So now Haruhi does make the connection between Kimidori the secretary and Kimidori the client.  This actually seems a bit mean-spirited, not unjustly, but it doesn't follow unless Haruhi thinks the boyfriend thing was a sham all along.

Haruhi starts to question Nagato hard, who insists she can't relay any information on her own.

Yuki nods. "The assistance I would offer would be contingent on your words to Kimidori Emiri - it may entail considerable risk for myself. If you are still willing to assist me at need, I will work to ensure that no other parties are able to interfere with your own investigation of the members of the SOS Brigade."

Perhaps "as needed"?  Also, I notice you use reflexives (e.g. myself) quite often.

Haruhi reasons out her opinion of Nagato's trustworthiness, why she can't speak (hostage situation, good reason; brainwashing, heh), and that Kyon must've been told directly.  Haruhi offers her support to Nagato, despite her doubts, and this seems to inspire some relief and confidence.  I think that speech in particular is a highlight of this passage.

Haruhi reflects on what she's going to do next.

Yuki... I don't know much more about her situation than I did before I talked to her, but I know she has a situation at least; I suppose the fact that neither she nor Mikuru can actually say anything about their situations directly is another good piece of information, since it does lend some real gravity to what's going on. I don't really think it can be some kind of silly prank if that's really true - and if it's not, Yuki and Kyon are both going to be in some serious hot water! But I don't really think that's the case here,

Repetitions of real and really and such.

Haruhi concludes that investigating Koizumi is safest, so she calls him up and invites him to meet at the station.

Surprisingly, it really doesn't take Koizumi long to arrive at all. Yuki's apartment is a few minutes' walk away from Kitaguchi Station, so by the time I've finished walking back to our usual meet-up location I only end up waiting a minute or two for him.

Given that Nagato asked Kyon to meet her at Kouyouen Station with the bookmark and that...there's other stuff that tells me her complex is nearer to Kouyouen, I suspect this may need adjustment?

"Nope, I was just checking in on her - she came over to visit yesterday and ended up having to head home because she wasn't feeling well, so I was just checking in on her to make sure she was doing better," I explain.

Repetition.

Haruhi and Koizumi chat at a new and different cafe, and this is where Koizumi has to go into his conceit about the bookstore.  Koizumi has to be prodded to even give a name to the place.

And Taniguchi is their server.  Haruhi goes for the in-your-face route as far as intimidating him not to squeal about this meeting and misinterpret it.  I did find myself wondering if Haruhi could've done something less overtly hostile to keep Taniguchi in line.

With that, I push Taniguchi back out of the way and stalk out of the cafe. I can't help but cringe at the thought of having to tell Kyon about this - I can already see the smirk on his face - but really, better that I say something than he finds out from that pervert, which would be even worse.

I think the hypothetical nature of it makes it "than he find" without an s.

...well, I guess it's not entirely a loss. I did get more information about Koizumi's part time job, at least; that'll give me something new to look into tomorrow.

Most of the time you do "part-time," and I think there's at least one other place you forget the dash.

Haruhi finds herself in a lucid dream again.

The last time I ended up in a lucid dream this many nights in a row, I could barely keep my eyes open - and really, I'd been feeling pretty tired even before then. Even so, this time it's the fourth night in a row that I've been in the dream like this - maybe I'm actually getting more used to sleeping like this?

Repetition.

I was expecting to see that I was in some kind of spaceship just leaving the atmosphere, but  no - what's below me is some kind of ridiculously tall tower, made of this same weird blue metal. There are several odd protrusions and other structures popping out of the main tower itself, from what I can see, and a long way further down I can see a big ring of what looks like normal land surrounding the tower itself - but even that's above the clouds, and it keeps me from seeing whether the main shaft actually goes through the clouds or not - but I suspect it does even without seeing it.

Repetition.

I'm not sure where this dream fits in with the grand scheme of things, but I expect it must.

Haruhi doesn't relate any ill-effects from having visited lucid dreamland again; instead, she invites Asahina to meet and investigate Koizumi's job.

I shrug a bit; I can be honest about my original suspicions, even if they've changed a bit recently. "Honestly? It's just way too convenient the way he calls out of Brigade meetings on short notice sometimes - I've wondered a few times if it was just an easy excuse to skip when he didn't feel like it, but most times he's done it I haven't really been in any kind of mood to follow up on it."

The Brigade mascot nods thoughtfully. "That makes sense... well, I can't see any harm in checking up on it then - although where exactly is it that he works?"

[...]

Mikuru nods thoughtfully as we get closer. As I can see more of the building, I can't help but notice how run-down it seems; the shop windows themselves seem pretty dirty, and while there are planters all around the building, most of the hedges planted in them are dead.

There's one paragraph between, but the constructions lead their respective paragraphs, so, again, repetition, times two.

The bookshop is run down with dead plants and dust.  Haruhi comments on how the owner bears little resemblance to Koizumi (presumably, he's hired by the espers, if he isn't one himself, so no surprise).

I catch sight of what's got her attention and move a bit further along the back wall myself, just to be on the safe side - although pretty much all of these shelves look that sloppy. "As far as books go, nothing really - it's more about checking the place out, seeing if we can find out anything about Koizumi-kun working here." I can't help but speak in low tones myself - it may not be a library, but being among so many books makes it hard not to think that way.

This captures what I was talking about, regarding the overuse of reflexive pronouns.

Haruhi and Asahina find that the "used" books are practically new, but in replacing one on the shelf, a box falls and nearly hits Asahina.  It's described simply enough that Haruhi could've done it without any supernatural assistance--just her own strength would be enough.  Asahina seems very grateful, and Haruhi tries to make further progress in their relationship by encouraging Asahina to address her on a first-name basis.

Classes resume, but Kyon doesn't appear, and Haruhi calls his phone to no avail.

"Well, that's just great," I huff, sitting down so forcefully in my seat that the chair bangs against the wall. "Nothing on his house phone either - I've thought about calling his aunt out in the country to find out if they got held up in the country, but I can't see that happening and them not calling the school office about it."

You know the drill by now.

I'm about to snap back at him in reply, then I stop - he does have a point. "Hmm, you're right - there's no way I'm going to leave things like this, but if things are that bad in the village where he's staying, then we're definitely going to have to be prepared if we're going to get him out!"

On repeat, on repeat...

She cringes at that, but it's Koizumi that comes to her rescue this time. "I think what Asahina-san meant to imply is that from your description, it doesn't actually sound like he's in immediate danger - perhaps we can allow the JSDF and the Department of Public Works to take care of retrieving those that are stranded, and help in some other means?"

Is there actually a Department (and not, say, a ministry?) of Public Works?

I don't like it, to be honest; I don't disagree that giving donations to places like that is a good thing to do, but it doesn't actually do anything to help Kyon. I'm about to tell Koizumi just that, too, but then a sneaky idea works it way into my head. A fundraiser to help with the relief efforts is definitely a good idea... but the agency they'll be going to is the SOS Brigade! There's no way I'm going to get talked out of going up there to do something to help myself, but if we're going to do it - especially if it's more than just me that's going - we're going to need money for train tickets and other things to prepare. And we can turn it into a real relief trip too - but that means we need to buy supplies and other things to take with us when we go, and that means money, too.

Not all of these "going"s need to be axed, but pointed out for reference.

And Haruhi comes up with a clever plan.

Mikuru looks startled at being called out, but gives me a hesitant nod; Koizumi's affirmation is more emphatic. "Right! Since everyone has their assignments, that's what we're going to be working on for the rest of today! Koizumi-kun, Mikuru-chan, you're dismissed - but I'll be checking in with you tomorrow at lunchtime for a progress report, since we're going to have to move fast on this!"

Because Koizumi is described right before dialogue, for a moment it gives the impression he's speaking, which is clearly not what's intended.

Given her usual quiet demeanor, I don't wait for an affirmative reply before I press on. "For now, I want you to work on that part - it's probably not going to be easy for us to get up there if the roads are so bad or if it's still dangerous up there. What you'll need to do is figure out how we get up there - how far can we go safely, how dangerous you think it'll be after that, what kind of supplies we'll need for the trip, how much it'll cost - as many details as you think you can put together.

Repetition.


Naturally, one expects that the IDSE have something to do with this predicament, but since Nagato helped notify Kyon of how Haruhi had helped facilitate their lucid dreaming communication, do the IDSE (outside of Nagato) not know that Haruhi can contact him?  If so, then trapping Kyon in a landslide is pointless, because they can't stop that line of communication short of making it impossible for him to dream.  If only Nagato knows about the dreaming, that's fair then.

Overall, I like the progress Haruhi has made with Asahina and Nagato; with Nagato agreeing to back Haruhi's play, it's already paying off, even though Haruhi has yet to find the answers she's been looking for.

[Halbarad]

Thanks for the C&C. Spoilering to cut down on scrolling.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi reacts to the end of last chapter, thinking how she can bug Kyon more when he gets back.  She sleeps in later than usual, receives a mysterious phone call, and resolves to pay Kyon back for taking control of something she'd set up for her dream.

Well, one way or another, he'll be back in a few days, and I'm sure he'll be back to his usual lazy self - he can catch up on his sleep in class. As long as he's not napping during Brigade meetings, I don't honestly care myself, and I guess I could help him keep up, at least for a while.

After he disappeared, the dream kept going for a while, but it wasn't all that much fun. Mikuru was totally startled by Kyon disappearing, but it didn't bother her for more than a few minutes. Still, having what amounts to a puppet cheering for me just wasn't the same at all. Getting out of the dream was actually easier than I thought; I just pictured a giant switch - like something out of an old Frankenstein movie - and yanked it. Just like that, I found myself groggily blinking awake.

Repetition.

Killed the second 'back' and the second 'for a while'.

I didn't really have anything planned for today, though, so it didn't really bother me that much - and thanks to that, I've pretty much taken it easy. The only minor interruption happened shortly after I woke up; my cell phone rang once, but by the time I got out of bed to check on it, it had already stopped - and the number wasn't anything I recognized, so I'm guessing it was just a wrong number that they realized after they'd let the phone ring. It was enough to get me out of bed, at least - and it was pretty late, anyway - so that's not a terrible thing.

More repetition.

Killed the first one.

"Ah- Suzumiya-san!  I... didn't expect to see you here!" She tries to give me a smile, but I'm not buying it after that... whatever it was she did to Yuki. A threat? A warning? I'm not even sure, but whatever it was, it didn't sound good!

Repetition.

Killed the second one.  I was bad about this in this chapter. ._.

Yuki nods. "The assistance I would offer would be contingent on your words to Kimidori Emiri - it may entail considerable risk for myself. If you are still willing to assist me at need, I will work to ensure that no other parties are able to interfere with your own investigation of the members of the SOS Brigade."

Perhaps "as needed"?  Also, I notice you use reflexives (e.g. myself) quite often.

Actually, reasons to have both here. "As needed" has more of an implication that Yuki will periodically ask for assistance, where "at need" doesn't seem to carry that implication - it's more of an 'if I absolutely need your help, I'll ask for it', at least in my mind. I'll keep an eye out on the reflexives as well, but it's kind of needed in this case at least.

Yuki... I don't know much more about her situation than I did before I talked to her, but I know she has a situation at least; I suppose the fact that neither she nor Mikuru can actually say anything about their situations directly is another good piece of information, since it does lend some real gravity to what's going on. I don't really think it can be some kind of silly prank if that's really true - and if it's not, Yuki and Kyon are both going to be in some serious hot water! But I don't really think that's the case here,

Repetitions of real and really and such.

Went with nothing/'really'/'honestly' respectively.

Given that Nagato asked Kyon to meet her at Kouyouen Station with the bookmark and that...there's other stuff that tells me her complex is nearer to Kouyouen, I suspect this may need adjustment?

Thanks for the catch. I was under the impression that Yuki's apartment was closer to the downtown district than the school, but it's a minor point in the grand scheme of things. Updated to say she took the train as well for consistency.

"Nope, I was just checking in on her - she came over to visit yesterday and ended up having to head home because she wasn't feeling well, so I was just checking in on her to make sure she was doing better," I explain.

Repetition.

Used 'stopping by' for the second.

And Taniguchi is their server.  Haruhi goes for the in-your-face route as far as intimidating him not to squeal about this meeting and misinterpret it.  I did find myself wondering if Haruhi could've done something less overtly hostile to keep Taniguchi in line.

My line of thought here was mostly that Haruhi's had quite a long time to get to know how Taniguchi operates - they were in the same class in middle school, after all. The thinking was "he's going to blab no matter what I do, but he's already at least partly afraid of me - threatening him is probably the only real hope I've got to get him to keep his mouth shut." It's nothing she'd ever actually follow through on (mostly because it'd only make matters worse), but she doesn't have the patience or inclination to try a more positive method of persuasion with him when something a lot simpler is just as likely to work (or not, as the case may end up being).

With that, I push Taniguchi back out of the way and stalk out of the cafe. I can't help but cringe at the thought of having to tell Kyon about this - I can already see the smirk on his face - but really, better that I say something than he finds out from that pervert, which would be even worse.

I think the hypothetical nature of it makes it "than he find" without an s.

Fixed.

...well, I guess it's not entirely a loss. I did get more information about Koizumi's part time job, at least; that'll give me something new to look into tomorrow.

Most of the time you do "part-time," and I think there's at least one other place you forget the dash.

Fixed this one, the other place it isn't appropriate ("he works part time for his uncle doing...")

The last time I ended up in a lucid dream this many nights in a row, I could barely keep my eyes open - and really, I'd been feeling pretty tired even before then. Even so, this time it's the fourth night in a row that I've been in the dream like this - maybe I'm actually getting more used to sleeping like this?

Repetition.

Ugh.

Replaced the first 'this [many]' with 'a few', took out 'this time' at the second occurrence of 'this', reworded at the second 'like this' (although I can't see a way to ditch a 'this' in there): "maybe I'm actually getting used to this kind of sleep?"

I was expecting to see that I was in some kind of spaceship just leaving the atmosphere, but  no - what's below me is some kind of ridiculously tall tower, made of this same weird blue metal. There are several odd protrusions and other structures popping out of the main tower itself, from what I can see, and a long way further down I can see a big ring of what looks like normal land surrounding the tower itself - but even that's above the clouds, and it keeps me from seeing whether the main shaft actually goes through the clouds or not - but I suspect it does even without seeing it.

Repetition.

Mrf. Replaced the second with 'central column'.

I'm not sure where this dream fits in with the grand scheme of things, but I expect it must.

Haruhi doesn't relate any ill-effects from having visited lucid dreamland again; instead, she invites Asahina to meet and investigate Koizumi's job.

This is actually an oversight; moved the line about repeated lucid dreaming to this point, since she'd be noticing it more in the morning than during the dream itself.

I shrug a bit; I can be honest about my original suspicions, even if they've changed a bit recently. "Honestly? It's just way too convenient the way he calls out of Brigade meetings on short notice sometimes - I've wondered a few times if it was just an easy excuse to skip when he didn't feel like it, but most times he's done it I haven't really been in any kind of mood to follow up on it."

The Brigade mascot nods thoughtfully. "That makes sense... well, I can't see any harm in checking up on it then - although where exactly is it that he works?"

[...]

Mikuru nods thoughtfully as we get closer. As I can see more of the building, I can't help but notice how run-down it seems; the shop windows themselves seem pretty dirty, and while there are planters all around the building, most of the hedges planted in them are dead.

There's one paragraph between, but the constructions lead their respective paragraphs, so, again, repetition, times two.

=_=

First case: 'sometimes' stays, second time 'a few times' -> 'occasionally', left the third in (it's not a same-word repetition, and should hopefully stick out less against 'sometimes' by itself.)
Second case: Changed second to 'pensively'.

I catch sight of what's got her attention and move a bit further along the back wall myself, just to be on the safe side - although pretty much all of these shelves look that sloppy. "As far as books go, nothing really - it's more about checking the place out, seeing if we can find out anything about Koizumi-kun working here." I can't help but speak in low tones myself - it may not be a library, but being among so many books makes it hard not to think that way.

This captures what I was talking about, regarding the overuse of reflexive pronouns.

This strikes me as more of a straight repetition issue; variations on '(my|your|him|her)self' only occur 25 times in the chapter overall, which doesn't strike me as unusual or out of line for a 10k word chapter. Definitely correcting the repetition here (removed the first 'myself'), but I'm not certain it's a wider issue, given that.

"Well, that's just great," I huff, sitting down so forcefully in my seat that the chair bangs against the wall. "Nothing on his house phone either - I've thought about calling his aunt out in the country to find out if they got held up in the country, but I can't see that happening and them not calling the school office about it."

You know the drill by now.

Sadly, I do. Replaced the second with 'on the way back'.

I'm about to snap back at him in reply, then I stop - he does have a point. "Hmm, you're right - there's no way I'm going to leave things like this, but if things are that bad in the village where he's staying, then we're definitely going to have to be prepared if we're going to get him out!"

On repeat, on repeat...

;_;

You also missed repetition of 'things' in the same line.

...there's no way we're going to sit back and do nothing, but if things are that bad in the village where he's staying, then we'll definitely need to be prepared if we're going to get him out!"

Is there actually a Department (and not, say, a ministry?) of Public Works?

Looks like the actual agency in question is the Ministry of Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ministry_of_Land,_Infrastructure_and_Transport_%28Japan%29), but that's a hell of a mouthful, even for Koizumi. I can change it over to Ministry, but from the looks of the article 'Road Transport Bureau' might be the best (and least wordy) option there. Definitely interested in other opinions, though.

I don't like it, to be honest; I don't disagree that giving donations to places like that is a good thing to do, but it doesn't actually do anything to help Kyon. I'm about to tell Koizumi just that, too, but then a sneaky idea works it way into my head. A fundraiser to help with the relief efforts is definitely a good idea... but the agency they'll be going to is the SOS Brigade! There's no way I'm going to get talked out of going up there to do something to help myself, but if we're going to do it - especially if it's more than just me that's going - we're going to need money for train tickets and other things to prepare. And we can turn it into a real relief trip too - but that means we need to buy supplies and other things to take with us when we go, and that means money, too.

Not all of these "going"s need to be axed, but pointed out for reference.

I don't like it, to be honest; I don't disagree that giving donations to places like that is a good thing to do, but it doesn't actually do anything to help Kyon. I'm about to tell Koizumi just that, too, but then a sneaky idea works it way into my head. A fundraiser to help with the relief efforts is definitely a good idea... but the agency they'll be going to is the SOS Brigade! There's no way I'm getting talked out of heading up there to do something to help, but if we're doing that - especially if it's more than just me that's going - we'll need money for train tickets and other things to prepare. And we can turn it into a real relief trip too - but that means we need to buy supplies and other things to take with us when we go, and that means money, too.

And Haruhi comes up with a clever plan.

Mikuru looks startled at being called out, but gives me a hesitant nod; Koizumi's affirmation is more emphatic. "Right! Since everyone has their assignments, that's what we're going to be working on for the rest of today! Koizumi-kun, Mikuru-chan, you're dismissed - but I'll be checking in with you tomorrow at lunchtime for a progress report, since we're going to have to move fast on this!"

Because Koizumi is described right before dialogue, for a moment it gives the impression he's speaking, which is clearly not what's intended.

Just shifted Haruhi's dialogue to a new line.

Given her usual quiet demeanor, I don't wait for an affirmative reply before I press on. "For now, I want you to work on that part - it's probably not going to be easy for us to get up there if the roads are so bad or if it's still dangerous up there. What you'll need to do is figure out how we get up there - how far can we go safely, how dangerous you think it'll be after that, what kind of supplies we'll need for the trip, how much it'll cost - as many details as you think you can put together.

Repetition.

Replaced the first with 'make it into Hinamizawa'.

Overall, I like the progress Haruhi has made with Asahina and Nagato; with Nagato agreeing to back Haruhi's play, it's already paying off, even though Haruhi has yet to find the answers she's been looking for.

Good to hear that it worked for you. =) Haruhi will be finding out more about everyone, but Koizumi's the soft target for now.

[Brian]

Okay, standard disclaimers apply.  I'm really lacking in confidence on this, even though I finished it a week or three ago. >_>;;

Hopefully I haven't scared all potential commentors away. :x

[Arakawa]

Amusingly, a lucid dream was triggered by the posting of this chapter. (I was going to take up winged sandals and a giant hammer and go on an over-the-top comedic rampage to blow off steam, but the hardware turned out to be trickier to operate than I'd expected.)

Hopefully I haven't scared all potential commentors away. :x

Didn't really comment on the last chapter since everyone seems to have things well in hand and I had nonsense of my own to deal with :_^;;

That said,

Thinking that, I pick up the reciever at Uncle Keiichi's desk and dial.

That would probably be 'receiver'.

granduer that Haruhi put into it is still lingering,

'grandeur'

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Welcome to Tutoria!" he replies. "You're so fortunate! Today is our yearly celebration -- the annual Festival of the Pushable Cube!"

*hrk*

(It's always amusing when a dream decides to lampshade itself.)

I'm a bit less surprised when she turns to face me with an amused smirk, holding up the thing that I'd left for her as a message.

Already, I can tell by the spark in her eyes that this is something she will never, ever let me live down. I console myself with the fact that she's not upset -- my message got that much through to her, at least.

Really, the only quibble with the chapter so far is here. Namely, I assume what the message is (and what's so embarassing about it) will be revealed next chapter, but the way it's written made me feel like I'd missed something on the first reading, so I had to scroll up to check. (Nope, just says it's one of Shutaro's toys.) I'm not sure what to suggest to make this flow more smoothly, or if it's even a big enough deal to fix.

I... don't really see where the lack of confidence is coming from. There are enough story elements being done just right that, even if something does end up being weird/objectionable about future chapters, it probably won't require any major overhauls.

[Brian]

Amusingly, a lucid dream was triggered by the posting of this chapter. (I was going to take up winged sandals and a giant hammer and go on an over-the-top comedic rampage to blow off steam, but the hardware turned out to be trickier to operate than I'd expected.)

Think about the results more than the means to achieve it. :p

Didn't really comment on the last chapter since everyone seems to have things well in hand and I had nonsense of my own to deal with :_^;;

Ah, well, hope those clear up for you. :x

'grandeur'

Thanks for those catches. :D

*hrk*

(It's always amusing when a dream decides to lampshade itself.)

Also a slight in-joke; I've used that term to describe the first arc of most games myself. :p

Really, the only quibble with the chapter so far is here. Namely, I assume what the message is (and what's so embarassingabout it) will be revealed next chapter, but the way it's written made me feel like I'd missed something on the first reading, so I had to scroll up to check. (Nope, just says it's one of Shutaro's toys.) I'm not sure what to suggest to make this flow more smoothly, or if it's even a big enough deal to fix.

Well, setup for a joke I think is better delivered from Haruhi's PoV than Kyon's.  >_>;;

My main concern is that Kyon's side of things is relatively dull. :x

I could have put more clues in for what Kyon left behind, but have decided it's better to leave things as-is for now. <_<;;

I... don't really see where the lack of confidence is coming from. There are enough story elements being done just right that, even if something does end up being weird/objectionable about future chapters, it probably won't require any major overhauls.

Alrighty, that's reassuring.  I'm just having poor confidence because of ... eh, yearly issues.  The same things that always get to me; just a bad time.  I'm sure it'll blow over soon.

Thanks for the comments, Arakawa. 

[Arakawa]

Amusingly, a lucid dream was triggered by the posting of this chapter. (I was going to take up winged sandals and a giant hammer and go on an over-the-top comedic rampage to blow off steam, but the hardware turned out to be trickier to operate than I'd expected.)

Think about the results more than the means to achieve it. :p

The other issue is that I apparently have very good inhibitors against going on a rampage of any description. Even in a lucid dream against a Kafkaesque bureaucracy trying to jail me for credit card fraud...

I'm not sure that this chapter is particularly slow compared to other ones. I guess it felt that way because the only canon character in it is Kyon, so all of the interactions with the OCs are of secondary importance? It depends on how one feels about the cousins, among other things. Personally, I started to appreciate them about this chapter. The suggestion that they've found Kyon's book conjured the (probable red herring of a) mental image of them bursting into Kyon and Haruhi's dream at some inconvenient moment.

I think even people who caustically don't give a damn about the Hinamizawa subplot will last through it. There's a setup from the point Kyon leaves the message to the end of the chapter (where Haruhi finds it), which happens to give the bored reader something to skim forward to. If for some reason you're really concerned that they won't last through the first half, you could figure out some way to patch a similar setup/payoff into the first half (setup during the end of the last chapter, payoff around the point Kyon has the dream where he leaves the message?).

Or maybe you could work on making the setting (aftermath of storms and flooding) more interesting/palpable. Sure, Kyon isn't one to wax poetic about nature, but Hinamizawa during and after a storm has got to be more impressive to him than the suburbs of Osaka, on some level. That could be given the chance to come through a bit more, particularly since he spends the chapter trudging back and forth through the scenery in question.

I guess it might be necessary to find someone who is actively uninterested in the Hinamizawa portion of the fic and ask their opinion if you want to be absolutely sure, but I don't think any such modifications are necessary -- the suggestions are more if you for some reason feel you have to change something to be satisfied. In the end not everything has to be snappily paced drama.

Alrighty, that's reassuring.  I'm just having poor confidence because of ... eh, yearly issues.  The same things that always get to me; just a bad time.  I'm sure it'll blow over soon.

Personally, I just went through allergy season (not sure when/if that happens where you are). That explains most of my problem; fortunately environmental conditions have let up.

Thankfully, no eczema this year (so far). Just brain not working the way I need it to. Allergies can mess you up in really subtle ways :-/

[Brian]

I guess it might be necessary to find someone who is actively uninterested in the Hinamizawa portion of the fic and ask their opinion if you want to be absolutely sure, but I don't think any such modifications are necessary -- the suggestions are more if you for some reason feel you have to change something to be satisfied. In the end not everything has to be snappily paced drama.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for the opinions of anyone less receptive to the original characters, then.  That'll be good to know for balance.

Thanks again for the comments.

Edit: Based on comments from Hal, I went ahead and removed the very small final scene.

[Muphrid]

Kyon awakens from when last we saw him with Haruhi.

A glance at the clock reveals that it's shortly after one in the morning; properly, I'll need to wait until after sunrise before calling.  That plan in mind, I feel like Sasaki Kojiro, waiting for Miyamoto Musashi to show up for the duel.  And much like that historical figure, I expect I will be defeated in our encounter.

I'm not sure I understand the significance of "properly"?

Hearing a child's wail outside, he ventures into the rain.

Blue hair, sharply focused gaze, the glint of metal in one hand--

I can't help it; a scream of alarm escapes my throat and I almost fall over in my panic before the rest of her features absorb into my brain and I realize it's not....  Not her.  I recognize my aunt Rika before the next flash of lightning; she's standing next to me, giving the flashlight a firm shake to get it working again.  I keep from sprawling into the mud, ironically both comforted and physically supported when Matsuri -- wailing again -- emerges from the darkness and glomps onto my leg.  A moment later, her younger brother follows suit, both of them shaking as the thunder rumbles through.

Hah.  This is really clever.

Rika says she's going to the srhine and leaves Matsuri and Shutaro with Kyon.  The three of them head inside, with Rena taking care of the younger children and taking them to the bath.

Taking stock of the shoes, Satoko and Shion (and their children) are the only ones missing.  This time, I have the foresight to grab a flashlight before stepping outside -- though like Aunt Rika's, it needs a good shake before it lights up.

They are still his aunts, right?

Properly armed this time, I step into the darkness, looking down the road for a glimpse of their own flashlights as they hike through the onslaught to the relative safety of Aunt Mion's home.

Their and they refer to Satoko and Shion, right?  The next paragraph goes straight to the two of them bringing their children in, which leads me to think that Kyon doesn't just look for a glimpse of their flashlights but actually sees them, which wasn't clear to me at first.

Kyon and Rena stand watch in the living room.

Neither myself or her mother begrudge the girl from curling up near Aunt Rena's side and falling asleep at the kotatsu with us.  That does mean that I'm the one who has to go attend any of the children when they need help, but that little bit of activity is actually a welcome distraction on a night like this.

How do you feel about "nor" instead of "or"?

The sun comes up, and Kyon goes to call Haruhi, but the power goes out right as he's ringing her.  Ouch, Kyon.  Bad timing.

Rena tells Kyon' he's relieved, and he gets some sleep.


Kyon's mother wakes him, telling him how the village has been cut off from the outside thanks to a mudslide; they won't be going anywhere for a while.

But what can I do?  Of all the people I know, I can't but think all of them would be better able to handle this than I am.  I don't have powers, or amazing abilities; there's really not anything I can do to help.  If Haruhi were here, she'd....

Perhaps "I can't help but think"?

Kyon convines himself to do something to help out instead of moping, so he takes an assignment from Mion to take tea to the school and bring back the short-wave radio.  One thing I notice here is that Kyon's justification of his motivation--that he can't face Haruhi saying he shrank from a challenge or a task--seems a bit quickly given, but it also seems like a good follow-up on the last time he spoke with her.

"Thank you, Kyon-kun," Aunt Mion says with a tired smile, giving me a nod before she yawns.  "Ah--  I need to rest while I can; Satoko-chan should give you something to eat and show you where the tea is.  Be very careful, now, alright?"

If it's not inconsistent with something already established, doesn't Mion refer to her as simply "Satoko"?


Kyon trudges out into the mud, a little beat still but otherwise intact.  He makes it to the school, and Rika's there to take the tea and give him the radio.  He starts heading back.

I might pause to rest for a bit if I weren't alone in a world of falling water and gusting winds.  The idea of getting back into a warm house and drying off is ample motivation, and I think I have to aknowledge that the hill leading to school has hardened me quite a bit.  This hike isn't nearly as bad, even if I do have the extra weight of the radio on my back!

Acknowledge.

There's another battery-powered lantern in the changing room, so after I throw my wet clothes in a pile, I gladly move on to the washroom proper, hanging the light-source from a dangling overhead hook.  Power-outages aren't that rare in bad weather here, so that spares me having to figure out where to put the lantern to keep it dry.

Maybe just "Power outages"?

Another levee was reinforced somewhat, but only enough to buy the families that lived below it time to evacuate.  The third, uncle Keiichi explains unhappily, was a lost cause.  At least no one was hurt, and there may arguably be some good that there's a drain for the water building up in the lake, but that's small consolation to those who lost property.

Uncle capitalized?

The sun set around the same time that they came back, so it's early enough to go to bed.  Just a little bit, the rain is finally tapering off, as well.  Hopefully in the morning, things will be a bit better.  I remember before I turn in for the night to pass Aunt Rika's concern for her children on to them, which Shutaro accepts solemly, and Matsuri tries to pretend is from me instead of her mother.

Solemnly?

Even though the eerie quiet tells me the weather's cleared, I still go to the window to check, but the overcast sky is rent in several places like a torn war-banner, letting streaks of blue sky show.  More pleasantly, the bright light of the sun spears through one of the gaps, finally working to dispel some of the gloom that's settled from the storm damage.

"But" is suggesting a contrast to his expectations I don't see is really there.  He thinks it's cleared, and to a degree, it has.  Unless the emphasis is meant to be on the fact that there are still clouds after all.


After hearing that leaving the village is really out of the question, Kyon at last is rested enough to have a lucid dream.

I set it aside for later, concentrating on Haruhi -- the real one, not some copy with an imitation of her armband.  The door next opens to empty sky.  I almost take a step out, but a drop of height from what seems to be far, far too high up in the atmosphere for me.  I'm sure Haruhi would be comfortable with an envrionment like this in her dreams!  Edging as close to the door as I dare, I can peek out and make the edges of some blue metal surface -- so the door is evidently in something, but I can only really just glimpse the edge of a planet's curvature from my position.

Some letter transposition here.

That's a bit much for me, and there's still no sign of Haruhi through the doorway, so I quickly shut it and back away again -- actually, as confusing as that was, I quickly turn it to something else.  Haruhi's familiar with the Yonaguni Monument, so I think about that and open the door--

Repetition.

I could easily breathe underwater, or fly....  And if I'd thought about that earlier, I wouldn't have needed to be so frightened of that tower.  Still, to make myself prove that it's true, I step through the doorway -- it's right before the fairly well known 'tutle' formation on the top of the massive stone structure.

Tutle?

I suppose it would have been fun....  Haruhi would probably have enjoyed it, and I could see us discussing the idea of it being natural or manmade while enjoying island cuizine afterward, too.  Of course, if I wanted to know, I could just ask Nagato, but that would take all the fun out of it.  Somehow, I like the idea of listening to one specific member of the Brigade muse on what she thinks it might really be.

Cuisine.  "If I wanted to know" (I think this is about whether it's natural or manmade) seems a bit disconnected from Kyon thinking how he could ask Nagato about it because the thought of Haruhi and cuisine is in-between.  I think this could benefit from a simple rearrangement of the thoughts.

Maybe I can bring Haruhi here later; somehow, this doesn't feel like a place she's been yet.  At least, I can't see her here.  I swim back to the doorway that's just sitting in the ocean, and float gently to the ground of the clifftop.  I notice that I'm convienently completely dry, too.

Misspelling.

Kyon thinks that perhaps this space is persistent, residing in neither his nor Haruhi's mind, and goes back to Himeji Castle.

When I look through the door -- I'm taken aback.  The scenery is a twisted jumble!  The walls are all disproportionate and bowed out or in, like some surreal impressionist painting!  The sense of granduer that Haruhi put into it is still lingering, and as I watch the scenery seems to slowly be twisting itself back into some semblance of proper shape.  Even so, I think it's safe to surmise that it didn't precisely 'survive' that well since we'd seen it last.

Is it "grandeur?"

So!  Haruhi made an area of shared persistant dreams!

Persistent.

While the area is grand, it's also got a certain lack of real details....  I hope she doesn't mind, but by concentrating and looking away, I make the tiles of the floor form a grand mosaiac -- her Brigade logo from the website.  The modified one, not her original, just in case that's a problem.  The columns and pillars recieve some minor upgrades -- more ornate bases and some hooks higher up, holding small pans of burning oil for light.  Some nearby urns are revised with images I think Haruhi would get a kick out of -- her most recent victory over the computer research society president primarily.

Mosaic, receive.

Now, that alone should send something of a message, but how do I explain the Hinamizawa situation?  Even if I've refined the place by adding to what she's made, hopefully making it more solid and persistant....

Again, persistent.

Kyon makes a toy for Haruhi to represent his situation, but it's not immediately clear (to me) just what it might be yet.

Kyon takes a break to solve a puzzle game, showcasing more of the benefits of the dreams and how they give him a needed respite from the waking world.


Rika hints again that she knows or suspects more about Kyon and what he's doing than is apparent.  Kyon reads the lucid dreaming book, evading most of his cousins' curiosity.

That adds a lot of perspective; I haven't seen more than torrential rain, but it's my first visual cue of the flooding.  A tree branch, with one limb thrust into the air, like a desparate hand reaching for help, shoots through the rapidly flowing water.  With that measure of just how fast the water is flowing, I move away from the edge of the road, and to the right -- the side of the mountains that this road cuts through.

Desperate.

I hear the people working on it before I round the bend in the road, calling to one-another and chatting.  There's no sounds of machinery, which makes me wonder what happened to the machinery that Uncle Keiichi mentioned was used to reinforce a levee.  It must be on the Okinomiya side of the blockage, I guess.

May be able to eliminate this repetition if it strikes you as odd.


Overall, what strikes me from this chapter is that there's a lot of necessary stuff--documenting the disaster in Hinamizawa and such--but because there's so much focus on that, Kyon's dream in the middle of the chapter only feels like a small break from that.  I don't get a great sense of how the disaster and Kyon's reactions to it tie into everything yet.  In short, I'm not sure I see how this experience is changing Kyon; he just seems to go through it.  For the most part, everything is technically good; I just feel that, while Haruhi had the driving spark of trying to unravel the mysteries around her, Kyon just had to roll with things here.

Alas, sorry I can't say something different in that respect. :/