[Haruhi][Spoilers] The Insight of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Brian]

I'm glad to try and help anytime. :)

One thing that came up while I was out, when I thought about it -- the part where Haruhi mutters 'Stupid', and Kyon notes that it's targeted at Haruhi, and not him....  I'm worried that this is too much trying to address my earlier complaints; I think it would be fine if it were clear that Haruhi were angry, and not at Kyon, and simply leave it at that.  Plus, while Kyon might be able to detect that Haruhi were upset with herself, it feels more natural to Haruhi to be upset at the situation, rather than irritated at herself at that point.

But -- I could be overthinking things again.

I do want to reiterate that I enjoyed this story so far, in any case. :)

[sarsaparilla]

A couple of comments after going through the list:

"However, like any reasonable leader, I wouldn't even dream of demanding more of my subordinates than what I demand of myself."

Saying something like that doesn't help at all! Nobody can keep up with your energy level, and you should know that by now.

But it's a good attitude for a leader to have; meant to mention this on the previous draft as a nice trait for Haruhi to show.

True, but she's still The Ace. :3

Overall, I'm spending a lot of effort in trying to ensure that Kyon's and Haruhi's lines make perfect sense from their respective points of view, even when they take opposite stances on issues. It feels a bit funny when I go through a scene once per PoV and can't help agreeing with each one, but that's also why I like writing dialogue between Kyon and Haruhi so much -- it has tension, and on occasion goes to places I didn't see before writing it down.

Haruhi didn't return to the issues she had just mentioned, but kept talking idly about other things. I learned that she was still tutoring that bespectacled boy from her neighborhood and was really proud of his progress. Who knows, maybe she'd really have wanted to have a little brother?

I think the boy's father diasagreed, if he was the driver of the cab in book 11.

I had completely forgotten that little scene....

Oh well, I'll just handwave it by suggesting that the boy's father and Haruhi have wildly different ideas on what counts as progress. ^_^

Here's a small bonus, some photos from the main scene (Nishinomiya shrine during Tanabata):

'Fortune':


The lanterns Haruhi wanted to put to a better use:


The bridge (at the upper left corner) and the Milky Way lights:

[Brian]

I think the boy's father diasagreed, if he was the driver of the cab in book 11.

I had completely forgotten that little scene....

Oh well, I'll just handwave it by suggesting that the boy's father and Haruhi have wildly different ideas on what counts as progress. ^_^

Well, I kind of got that impression anyway, really. ;)

Here's a small bonus, some photos from the main scene (Nishinomiya shrine during Tanabata):

Oh, those are quite nice; I hadn't seen the underwater lights before!

[Muphrid]

Again, I apologize for the lateness.  The internet has been less than cooperative this holiday weekend.

Indeed, it's quite probable that I wouldn't have believed it even if I had received a written statement from my future self, personally delivered by a certain adorable time traveler, so in the end my ignorance didn't even matter that much. Events proceeded with the inexorable force of a mountain glacier; all things considering, I sincerely believe that I did my best.

You want "all things considered".

It was really hard to believe that my sister was as old as Miyoko. Miyoko had always been polite and mindful, behaving like somebody much older than her actual age, and especially during this last year it had become rather evident that her body was also catching up in maturity. My sister, then, was in all respects her polar opposite. Despite their differences the two got along very well, and I could only hope that eventually some of Miyoko's admirable qualities would rub off on my sister as well.

I generally feel cautious about having a person's name put so close to itself.

"And even then, if we just do whatever we've always done, then doesn't it mean that we're not truly free, and are held prisoners by our own habits instead? Shouldn't we be willing to face each challenge as if we were seeing everything the very first time, without any prejudices? Isn't that the only way to avoid getting stuck in a rut?"

I think the phrase is usually "held prisoner" even when "we" are the ones being held?  I think I prefer some ofthe original phrasing also.  "Shouldn't we face" instead of "be willing to face" is more direct and less wordy.

I looked at the girl who seemed to be lost in her thoughts and realized that her words had managed to take me by surprise. There wasn't any question about it -- Haruhi was growing up. The difference to the singularly assertive girl from one year ago who didn't even get the whole concept of introspection was so great that anybody could see that; apparently now even Haruhi herself.

"The difference to" is a bit odd.  Perhaps "the difference between her and the singularly assertive girl..."

This just had to be my lucky day, as Haruhi's change of mind meant that I didn't have to do anything! I could see that there was something in the situation that was bothering Haruhi, but it didn't appear to be anything too serious, so I didn't pay much attention to it.

This seems a bit lacking in fluidity.  The second sentence is what's added; I think there should be a little more time for Kyon to come off that momentary elation (or relief) and realize there's something amiss with Haruhi (and, perhaps, not to so quickly dismiss it as unimportant, either).

She was most likely telling the truth about being hungry. Considering the amount of food she could usually devour in one go it was only to be expected by now if she hadn't eaten anything during the lunch break. Furthermore, to be quite honest I thought that I should probably feel at least marginally indebted for all the tutoring Haruhi had recently provided at school without asking anything particular in return. From that point of view I could just as well give in a bit here and leave any lessons in manners or proper nutritional balance for some later time, but still, there was something in it....

It might be more proper to use "since" instead of "if" in "if she hadn't eaten...". 

Haruhi gave me an odd look but seemed to be satisfied with the outcome, and offered one of the cakes to Nagato who was standing silently behind us. She examined the cake as if never having seen one before and took it without saying anything. Haruhi then picked one for herself and headed to Asahina-san who was looking at some posters on the display of a nearby travel agency.

"Nagato, who..." 

My train of thought was interrupted as abruptly as it had started when I noticed that Haruhi had stopped eating her cake and was staring me from under her eyebrows like a particularly unimpressed crocodile that had just raised its head above the water level in the otherwise serene lagoon of my tropical paradise. Can that girl read my mind?

Long sentence.  You could break it at "cake" and start the next with "She stared at me..."

It was you who brought the whole issue up!

Because "you" and "who" involve the same vowel sound, I try to avoid putting them back-to-back.  The easiest way to avoid that here could be "You're the one who brought the whole issue up!"

By the sunset I felt exhausted under my burden; my feet were aching like those of an unpracticed wayfarer who had heedlessly made the pledge to walk through the eighty-eight temple pilgrimage of Koubou Daishi. I was hoping that the excursion would be over soon, but our relentless brigade chief had other plans in her mind.

"By sunset".


When you said you were going to make the subtext a lot more clear, I feared you'd spell things out more than was really needed.  I think you've found a good balance here, clearing up some difficult parts but keeping the main gist intact.

[sarsaparilla]

When you said you were going to make the subtext a lot more clear, I feared you'd spell things out more than was really needed.  I think you've found a good balance here, clearing up some difficult parts but keeping the main gist intact.

I'm glad to hear this assessment; as always, thanks for the corrections / suggestions, I'll work them into the next version.

A side note on the schedule of this project: it may take a while before the next part comes out, as I'm working on a complete story arc (the first out of five) at a time, and it's still on a bare-bones level, lacking all the surface detail (the specific challenge is to find an adequately interesting and relevant B plot to pull the story through some of the less engaging but essential parts of the A plot).

[Muphrid]

I think working on the whole arc will be useful; it's a method I've used before.  As far as trying to work out the B plot, while I might not be able to say what it should be, something I've done with outlining before is to take a basic, one-sentence summary to start and then expand it into a paragraph, then into several paragraphs (3-4?), then expand each of those paragraphs into several paragraphs, and so on until you see where it is this side plot must mesh with the main plot.  This approach...may or may not give some obvious idea for what the side plot should be.  And to be fair, I've been frankly terrible at following such outlines, so that may not help as much, either.

[Arakawa]

Okay, I've been sitting on some of these corrections for a while, so they might overlap with what other people mentioned. It should be obvious that they are suggestions of style, not correctness. I'm mostly taking things which are correct, but to me seem just slightly off, and randomly throwing out valid ways of rephrasing them, just on the off chance you might not have been considering them. They're probably more useful as things to consider the next time you write something, as opposed to corrections specifically for this chapter...

All things considering, I should be able to say with sincerity that I did my best.

Perhaps "All things considered"?

caught Shamisen from the bed before it had an opportunity to slip away.

Various (in my flawed opinion equally valid) phrasings: "caught Shamisen from the bed" -- "caught up Shamisen from the bed" -- "caught Shamisen off the bed".

Shami, Shami, a big, droopy cat-pillow!

Use of 'a' here seems just a bit odd. Alternatives might be "Shami, Shami, big, droopy cat-pillow!" or "Shami, Shami, you big, droopy cat-pillow!"

Despite their differences the two got along very well, and I could only hope that eventually some of Miyoko's admirable qualities would rub off on my sister as well.

Personally I dislike repetition of stuff... here 'very well' -- 'as well'. The second 'as well' could be deleted leaving just "... would rub off on my sister".

(Particularly since your 'as well' is sort of an odd usage, there's no answer to the question 'rub off on my sister as well as on who?' -- the 'as well' stands alone. Of course, this sort of thing is done all the time, but here it doesn't add much stylistically.)

The other alternative for avoiding the repetition is to write "eventually some of Miyoko's admirable qualities would also rub off on my sister."

There wouldn't be PE today, so it had to be something else.

'Wouldn't be PE' alternatives: "There was no PE today" -- "There wouldn't be any PE today".

Just something I've noted to myself: You seem to like splitting words like "classroom", "schoolbag" into "class room" and "school bag". You also use Miyoko's actual name instead of 'Miyokichi'. No problems, just slightly different from what I'd expect from most authors. (I don't remember what the novels' policy on Miyoko vs. Miyokichi actually was.)

"You're doing this on purpose and know fully well which day it is today!"

Possibly "You're doing this on purpose! You know full well which day it is today!"

"Nothing awesome ever happens if we don't make it happen. Just keep your eyes on the goal and you'll find reserves that you weren't even aware of before."

These sentences sound a bit flat. My brain keeps wanting to put an exclamation mark on at least one of them.

Kyon (thinking): the last time you talked about hidden reserves of power, I nearly got a laser beam through the head.

The difference to the singularly assertive girl from one year ago who didn't even get the whole concept of introspection was so great that anybody could see that; apparently now even Haruhi herself.

Hmm... there are a number of ways to reword this which may or may not be interesting.

"The difference from the singularly assertive girl of one year ago who lacked any concept of introspection..." / "who didn't even understand the concept of introspection..." / "who had no concept of introspection..." "... was so great that anybody could see it; even Haruhi herself now, apparently."

She had been isolated from all social contacts for so long that she hadn't had any points of reference for comparison; her own opinion had been the absolute truth for her, and she had even been unable to grasp the fact that somebody else didn't see things the same way she did. Now that Haruhi had friends again her worldview was being challenged by all the new experiences.

Maybe "social contact" instead of "social contacts", "lacked" or "had lacked" instead of "hadn't had"; "other people" instead of "somebody". And a comma in the second sentence: "Now that Haruhi had friends again, her worldview was..."

maybe she'd really have wanted to have a little brother?

Hmm, that's okay. Though alternatives are "she really wanted to have a" and "she'd really wanted to have a little brother" (i.e. the first 'have' is a bit redundant)?

We spent the next ten minutes by studying English prepositions

Maybe just "We spent the next ten minutes studying English prepositions...".

of pensive reflection that I had noticed.

This 'that' is actually sort of optional, but it could also be left in.

Okay, that's it for now. Let's see when I can find the time to comment on the rest of the prologue. (Sorry, have had a busy week full to the brim with things which certainly take priority over fanfiction.)

General comment on something you say you sort-of-attempted with the prologue (but which, as far as I can tell, isn't actually a priority): in order to work as a standalone atmospheric/character piece, the loose ends (which lead into the main story) would have to have been handled a bit differently. Kyon's constant "but little did I know what Haruhi had in store for us..." keeps reminding us of the fact that this is a prologue to the main story. In addition, the crucial mysteries and foreshadowing (e.g. sudden appearance and disappearance of [Yasumi], constant volcano metaphors) might need sort of 'red herring' (generally speaking: symbolic) resolutions which turn the prologue into a compositionally self-contained unit. The rest of the story could then have been devoted to throwing out these red herrings, fitting in terms of development with Kyon's sentiment that 'the issue was a lot more complicated than I'd thought at the time'.

[sarsaparilla]

Just something I've noted to myself: You seem to like splitting words like "classroom", "schoolbag" into "class room" and "school bag".

My native language is a very strongly word-compounding one, and thus I tend to err on the side of not compounding words in English whenever I'm not completely sure whether a particular pair should be compounded. I know, I should check those cases from a dictionary.

You also use Miyoko's actual name instead of 'Miyokichi'. No problems, just slightly different from what I'd expect from most authors. (I don't remember what the novels' policy on Miyoko vs. Miyokichi actually was.)

This was a conscious choice; it carries the subtext that since Miyoko is growing up as specifically pointed out, she wants to use her real name instead of the more 'childish' nickname. Though, I don't have a strong preference in either direction.

Okay, that's it for now. Let's see when I can find the time to comment on the rest of the prologue. (Sorry, have had a busy week full to the brim with things which certainly take priority over fanfiction.)

There's absolutely no need for being sorry; I'm grateful for any feedback regardless of the schedule. This is, after all, a pastime for us all.

General comment on something you say you sort-of-attempted with the prologue (but which, as far as I can tell, isn't actually a priority): in order to work as a standalone atmospheric/character piece, the loose ends (which lead into the main story) would have to have been handled a bit differently. Kyon's constant "but little did I know what Haruhi had in store for us..." keeps reminding us of the fact that this is a prologue to the main story. In addition, the crucial mysteries and foreshadowing (e.g. sudden appearance and disappearance of [Yasumi], constant volcano metaphors) might need sort of 'red herring' (generally speaking: symbolic) resolutions which turn the prologue into a compositionally self-contained unit. The rest of the story could then have been devoted to throwing out these red herrings, fitting in terms of development with Kyon's sentiment that 'the issue was a lot more complicated than I'd thought at the time'.

I was aiming for a thematically semi-independent piece, and I'm rather content with the outcome. Making it a true standalone story would have detached it too much from the main story, as it's still just a prologue. I specifically wanted to leave enough threads hanging open to make people interested in reading further, but at the same time provide a separate mini-arc to show that there is indeed a deliberately crafted story behind seemingly random events; a pilot, or a teaser of sorts.

I deployed an entire school of red herrings in 'The Shadow', as that technique works well for a mystery story; some will be used during the Venice arc here, but otherwise this story is much more straightforward. Chekhov's guns aplenty, less ichthyology. ^_^

The suggestions have been incorporated, thanks for your contribution!

[Arakawa]

_{(Apologies if there was an earlier false alarm; I mistakenly pasted C&C for someone else into the wrong browser tab. I immediately realized the mistake, but it might be that a notification email got sent out anyways. Anyhow, making extra sure I'm posting this here and not in the K:BDH thread or something ^_^;;)}

Okay, so here are some long-overdue observations on the remainder of the second half of the prologue. If not useful for a revision of the prologue specifically, they might suggest things to keep in mind in the future.

Hopefully nobody will be beating my record for delayed C&C for quite some time now ^_^;

I'm basing my C&C on the last update on this thread (not on the ff.net version -- not certain if that's more up-to-date or not, so just disregard anything that's no longer relevant).

I noticed the anticipative expression of our formidable but impulsive brigade chief who seemed to be permanently unable to ask nicely when she wanted something, and got the impression that she had something specific in mind, as if this was some kind of a test.

Umm. "anticipative"... not sure how that differs from "anticipatory" or (maybe) "anticipating", and it's odd enough to throw the flow of the sentence after it out of whack.

She was most likely telling the truth about being hungry. Considering the amount of food she could usually devour in one go it was only to be expected by now since she hadn't eaten anything during the lunch break.

An added comma would probably help in this specific case to keep the concepts straight: "it was only to be expected by now, since she hadn't eaten anything during the lunch break."

Now that I thought about it, there hadn't indeed been many penalties lately, but as far as I could see the reason for that couldn't be anything that I had done or failed to do since I hadn't certainly gotten more punctual during the last year.

Maybe "certainly hadn't gotten more punctual"?

Haruhi gave me an odd look but seemed to be satisfied with the outcome, and offered one of the cakes to Nagato, who was standing silently behind us. She examined the cake as if never having seen one before and took it without saying anything. Haruhi then picked one for herself and headed to Asahina-san who was looking at some posters on the display of a nearby travel agency.

Things to consider:

"She examined the cake as though she'd never seen one before."

"headed over to Asahina-san," / "headed towards Asahina-san," (note comma at the end)

Some of the above might make sense to adopt, some of it might not.

Although Haruhi couldn't bother to mention the fact, it was me who bought those cakes!

Something to point out: "couldn't bother to" and "couldn't be bothered to" are basically equivalent expressions. You use 'couldn't bother to' on many occasions, but you might (assuming I'm not mistaken on this particular point) also try varying between that and 'couldn't be bothered to', according to how you like the sound in each case. This is one of the places I'd consider using "couldn't be bothered to".

{EDITED to clarify that I'm referring specifically to "bother to" in the context of "couldn't bother to", not in general. Sorry, my bad.}

"Is there something interesting in here?"

Might make more sense to use "on here" (on the posters) rather than "in here" (in the travel agency office?)

Haruhi seemed to give a serious consideration to Asahina-san's unvoiced wish.

Probably "seemed to give serious consideration" would work better.

"As I have mentioned before, to the casual observer it might appear to be the case that Suzumiya-san's actions are inadvertent and haphazard, but in reality there is a clear purpose behind everything that she does. I know fully well that you and I are in a constant disagreement over this fact, and therefore I am not even trying to argue my point; that is not even what I am thinking about right now. Instead, in the light of recent events, I am wondering whether the same could be said about you."

Hmm... I thought it was "know full well"... I'm actually not sure now.

However, pretty sure that it's "in light of recent events", without any 'the'.

"I couldn't possibly do that. Whatever the contents of that bag are, it is unquestionable that there is something so important in there that Suzumiya-san doesn't trust anybody else than you to carry it for her."

Also possible:

"doesn't trust anybody else but you"

"doesn't trust anyone besides you"

Nothing out of ordinary happened during the next couple of hours.

"out of the ordinary"

Thus, I was on my own when I suddenly noticed a familiar figure walking away from me, toward the far end of the shrine area. She was at some distance and had her back turned at me, but I was pretty certain that I recognized her.

Perhaps "had her back to me" would work just as well. "turned at me" or even the more common "turned to me" feels kind of odd when used to refer to someone's back.

The whole situation made me feel a bit silly. Had I gotten so bored with the safe, ordinary life that I had finally found that now I had to deliberately go out of my way to seek trouble?

Repetition of "that". Suggest "Had I gotten so bored with the safe, ordinary life I had finally found that now I had to deliberately go out of my way to seek trouble?"

I stopped on the bridge to appreciate the unexpected sight and stood there in momentary contemplation when I heard somebody approaching from the direction of the shrines, running. The person soon came in clear view, and I realized that I had subconsciously recognized her just by the sound of her steps. Come to think about it, who else would run around at a place like this?

* Arakawa ponders whether to go into the distinction between 'subconscious' and 'unconscious', but turns out to actually have no idea what the distinction actually is.

Suddenly, I had a bad feeling about the whole situation, and as it turned out to be, I was not mistaken to think that way.

Alternatives: "as it turned out in this case", "as it turned out to be the case" (the original expression you seem to be modifying), or just "as it turned out".

Haruhi stopped speaking but kept her gaze fixed at the artificial Milky Way beneath us, as if waiting for my reply; her frustration had abated, leaving only wistfulness.

More common to see something like "kept her gaze fixed on the artificial Milky Way beneath us"...

How did we arrive at this point? I wanted to do something, anything, but my hands were tied by what I knew and she didn't; that disparity created an impassable chasm between us two as surely as if we had been standing at the opposite ends of the sky.

Options: "between us", "between us two", "between the two of us" (see below).

I followed in her steps back to the main shrine where we found the other brigade members, still enjoying the scenery. If any of them found it peculiar to see us two arriving together they didn't let it show; in my current state of mind I wouldn't probably even have noticed.

Possible alternatives:

"found it peculiar to see the two of us" (I think it's common to say "you two" but also "the two of us", at least in my neck of the woods. Note that some of the suggestions I'm making might be for usages that vary across the Anglosphere, and "us two" might possibly be one of those.)

"I probably wouldn't even have noticed"

When we walked back to the railway station Haruhi didn't seem to want any company and marched at her own pace well ahead everybody else.

"When we walked back to the railway station, Haruhi didn't seem to want any company and marched at her own pace well ahead of everybody else."

Haruhi looked at me, visibly surprised. She stood still for a moment, seemingly uncertain about whether to say something or not, until setting her jaw straight and nodding just once. Determination. That was the message I could read in her eyes, and although a determined Haruhi can be a rather intimidating sight, it still made me feel better; not by much, but even a little step in the right direction was better than nothing.

Either "until she set her jaw straight and nodded just once" or "finally setting her jaw straight and nodding just once" might work here.

It looked like Haruhi's wish had been granted even before she had done what she believed to be a necessary step to the effect; on the other hand she had specifically wanted to see the Milky Way, and there wasn't any reason to believe otherwise, but that hadn't still happened.

Maybe "still hadn't happened"?

After a while, as I stood in the bathroom drying my hair with a towel, a random tidbit that I had recently read somewhere came to my mind. It went along the lines that according to the chaos theory, when a particular butterfly in Fukuoka flaps its wings in a certain way, then two days later it rains on Hokkaido.

"It went something along the lines that, according to chaos theory, when a particular butterfly in Fukuoka flaps its wings in a certain way, it rains on Hokkaido two days later." might work better. (Two important fixes -- just "chaos theory" instead of "the chaos theory", and a rearrangement of the commas/connectives in the sentence. Actually, the comma rearrangement isn't crucial either, and "the chaos theory" sounds mildly archaic as opposed to incorrect.)

In retrospect, I don't think that I'd have been so calm if I had known that somewhere along the way the proverbial butterfly had just flapped it wings and set in motion a long chain of events that would eventually lead me to a situation where the sudden explosive eruption of a nearby stratovolcano was among the least of my concerns.

typo -- "flapped its wings"

The long sentence might perhaps maybe use a very slight pause in the middle, perhaps "had just flapped its wings, setting in motion a long chain of events..."

Or, even more of a pause: "had just flapped its wings; and, in doing so, it was setting in motion a long chain..."

I actually wouldn't recommend doing either of these things in this particular case. (The reason: I'm not really satisfied for some reason with hanging the rest of the sentence off "setting", and I can't think of a different way to put in the breather; effectively, the fairly disadvantages of the convolutions needed to obtain the pause outweigh the fairly minor advantages of having the pause.)

Just the general principle of putting a breather into an overly long sentence might be useful to keep in mind for other cases.

I'd like to underline the fact that the last part was neither a hyperbole nor a figure of speech.

This is a bit of a weird moment. Compare the following:

"the last part was hyperbole" is fine

"the last part was a hyperbole" would not be fine ('hyperbole' is an uncountable noun, you can throw it all over your speech much like 'salt' or 'sugar' are thrown around in cooking), so

"the last part was neither a hyperbole nor a figure of speech" would also not be fine, but

"the last part was neither hyperbole nor a figure of speech" would also feel slightly awkward (probably why no one suggested doing this?) because an uncountable noun is being juxtaposed with a discrete concept? I dunno, it just feels mildly (but not irrevocably) off, like a native speaker who is just a bit sloppy with their prose.

I'd consider putting an adjective in front of 'hyperbole' to mask the juxtaposition, like so:

"I'd like to underline the fact that the last part was neither {meaningless/irrelevant/unjustified/overblown/ some other suitable adjective } hyperbole nor a figure of speech."

or maybe rewrite the sentence as something along the lines of:

"I'd like to underline the fact that the last part is neither a figure of speech nor some meaningless attempt to impress {the reader} with hyperbole. {It was just the literal truth of the situation.}{something more appropriate??}"

(Insert things you've heard before from me about how good your English is. You're 98% there, so you could conceivably even say "not going to bother with the remaining 2%, this is just my style now" and people would take you seriously. I say this as someone who's done large amounts of proofreading for non-native English authors in technical who were only 75% or even less than 50% there and who would probably consider trading something very expensive for the ability to write as well as you do.

Note that some of said authors are people who live in Canada, exist in an English-speaking community, and publish their work in academical journals as part of their job description.)

Anyhow, there are ideas mentioned in the fic outline which it would be massively interesting to see your take on. So, thank you for the writing so far, and if and when you're ready to share more, I'll certainly be looking forward to it.

[Arakawa]

I'd like to underline the fact that the last part was neither a hyperbole nor a figure of speech.

This is a bit of a weird moment. Compare the following:

"the last part was hyperbole" is fine

"the last part was a hyperbole" would not be fine ('hyperbole' is an uncountable noun, you can throw it all over your speech much like 'salt' or 'sugar' are thrown around in cooking), so

"the last part was neither a hyperbole nor a figure of speech" would also not be fine, but

"the last part was neither hyperbole nor a figure of speech" would also feel slightly awkward (probably why no one suggested doing this?) because an uncountable noun is being juxtaposed with a discrete concept? I dunno, it just feels mildly (but not irrevocably) off, like a native speaker who is just a bit sloppy with their prose.

I'd consider putting an adjective in front of 'hyperbole' to mask the juxtaposition, like so:

"I'd like to underline the fact that the last part was neither {meaningless/irrelevant/unjustified/overblown/ some other suitable adjective } hyperbole nor a figure of speech."

or maybe rewrite the sentence as something along the lines of:

"I'd like to underline the fact that the last part is neither a figure of speech nor some meaningless attempt to impress {the reader} with hyperbole. {It was just the literal truth of the situation.}{something more appropriate??}"

(Insert things you've heard before from me about how good your English is. You're 98% there, so you could conceivably even say "not going to bother with the remaining 2%, this is just my style now" and people would take you seriously. I say this as someone who's done large amounts of proofreading for non-native English authors in technical who were only 75% or even less than 50% there and who would probably consider trading something very expensive for the ability to write as well as you do.

Note that some of said authors are people who live in Canada, exist in an English-speaking community, and publish their work in academical journals as part of their job description.)

Anyhow, there are ideas mentioned in the fic outline which it would be massively interesting to see your take on. So, thank you for the writing so far, and if and when you're ready to share more, I'll certainly be looking forward to it.

... and now I'm having second and third thoughts about this. Thing is, if we treat 'hyperbole' as a loanword from Greek (which it ultimately is...), then 'a hyperbole' would be the correct usage; the more common tendency in English to treat 'hyperbole' as unquantifiable can then be seen as a recent corruption.

I guess whether or not to change this depends on how strongly you want Kyon to come across as (the Japanese equivalent of) a classicist.

[sarsaparilla]

Thank you very much for these in-depth suggestions, I'll work them into the next version (and update when I have the third chapter done). The hyperbole issue ... uh, I just wanted to end the prologue on a strong, staccato note that underlines what Kyon had just said, and which possibly slipped through as one of his peculiar similes until the final sentence, thus hopefully making the reader curious enough to continue.

I have been working on the general outline as well, and the published version is so inaccurate / incomplete that it should be considered obsolete. For example, the titular event is not mentioned at all in the old outline:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kyon uses a rather roundabout method for nudging Haruhi into finding the truth about herself, with the result that she gets it wrong and independently discovers Kyoniism. While that leads to a rather interesting discussion between the two -- where the eventual outcome is intentionally ambivalent for a while -- the main plot point is that for a while Haruhi sees the situation from the opposite side of the fence, and realizes that she doesn't like it nearly as much as she had claimed in book 1.

I'm sorry for having been very unproductive as of late. I've been stuck with the next three chapters which contain several scenes that are necessary but not inspiring enough so that I could get them written down.

[Muphrid]

Re: titular event.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi doesn't like the idea of Kyon having special powers, huh?  That's interesting.  I didn't know that was the direction this would be leaning toward.  What realization does this drive?  Does Haruhi reexamine her relationship with Kyon, or does she think she shouldn't treat him differently just because he's had powers all this time?

Naturally you don't have to answer that if you don't wish to.  I'm merely curious and hopeful that said curiosity might help spark some creative drive if that's what you're looking for.  Best of luck.

[Arakawa]

Re: re: titular event.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I read the description to mean that Haruhi just isn't as excited to be surrounded by aliens/espers/supernatural beings as she initially thought she'd be (when she declared an intention to find them), not that she's unhappy to find out that Kyon (specifically) has special powers.
I guess this is just something that I'll have to wait and see (not clear how either of the interpretations would work); it seems the story has gone through several rounds of evolution since the outline was posted.

I'm a bit curious as to why Haruhi's titular realization is referred to as an "Insight" if it actually turns out to be wrong. I guess Haruhi's reasoning is somewhat more complex than you're willing to give away at this stage. As a result, it might be possible that even though the end conclusion of her search is wrong, she hits on some grain of truth along the way that was being overlooked by the Brigade.

Regarding 'hyperbole', again, it could go both ways. "A hyperbole" fits the original etymology and is thereby correct, just "hyperbole" is also correct due to being the more common usage (but then the sentence feels a bit off and it's tempting to compensate for it as outlined above). (To lessen any misplaced sense that I have authority on this matter, I was mortified to discover after investigating the matter that I was pronouncing it "hyper-bowl" and that that is not the correct pronunciation.)

[Brian]

Re:x3 titular event:

Spoiler: ShowHide

'other side of the fence' sounds like it pretty clearly applies to Haruhi thinking Kyon has power; unless I misread it, the outline revision explains that where Kyon has come to grips and can accept it of her, Haruhi cannot accept it of him.  I think this is reflected in the eventual plans for the volcanic explosion, etc., and where Haruhi ultimately decides that she has to get rid of the power to have a chance with Kyon.

I might be wrong; it could instead be 'being found by instead of finding', but given the specific mention of Kyoniism, that's unlikely.  But then, there's no reason to guess among ourselves and get things wrong!

Sarsaparilla: Could I ask you to clarify which thing it is that Haruhi comes to dislike in this story?  The idea of Kyon having supernatural powers, or supernatural powers in general existing?  I'm not entirely clear on it, though I very strongly suspect it's the former.

[sarsaparilla]

Oh well, once again it looks like I've failed to convey my thoughts properly. I'll try to explain it better because it's one of the key points of the work, but there's also this big tangle of interdependencies around the issue, and I wonder whether the most concise complete explanation will actually be as large as the whole story itself.

Spoiler: ShowHide

One of the main objectives of this work is to find the answer to the question: what does it take for Kyon to say "Screw the masquerade, I've had enough!" The issue is studied from several angles, but the ultimate answer will be that having his hand forced, repeatedly, because of the masquerade, and with results that make both him and Haruhi unhappy, will become the turning point. The first such incident was already described in the introduction, and there will be more. This also means that Kyon and Haruhi will both become increasingly frustrated as the story continues, though there will certainly be more happy moments than unhappy ones, just to give the setbacks enough contrast.

The different take on Haruhi's powers -- that she won't be able to control them consciously even when aware of them, just as we can't simply make a rational decision to believe something -- was already mentioned in the original outline. Then, there's another different take on an issue: let's say that Haruhi is not nearly as oblivious as one might think based on Kyon's narration. Let's say that she actually realizes that something unusual is going on around her. Why wouldn't she pound on the opportunity to find out what it is? If you read it with this question in mind it's possible to notice that the answer was already laid out in her Tanabata speech. She has learned that sometimes seeking a thing is more interesting than actually finding it; she's afraid that if she finds the extraordinary it turns mundane; finally, despite her claims to the opposite, she's happy doing rather ordinary things as can be seen from Yasumi's answers to the brigade entrance exam. In this story, Haruhi has been aware of something extraordinary ever since the Snow Mountain incident, but she doesn't know what exactly is going on, and is content with not knowing as long as it keeps things interesting.

Now, in the fifth chapter Haruhi assigns each brigade member a task for the upcoming summer trip, and these tasks turn out to have the exactly same topics as the literature club assignments, despite both being assigned through random draw. Kyon naturally doesn't like the outcome as he's stuck with romance again. Haruhi quietly agrees that it's a bit odd to have the same results twice and does a little experiment, writing something that she associates with each brigade member on five pieces of paper and makes everybody take one. However, Kyon gets to choose first and takes Asahina's ticket instead, and this initial error accumulates until Haruhi is left with the ticket that she wanted Kyon to have. Deeming the experiment a failure she doesn't even explain to others what she was doing and destroys Kyon's ticket in frustration -- nobody else even sees what's in it.

The reason for why Kyon managed to defy Haruhi's scheme will also be one topic of the story.

In any case, the next important milestone is the serious discussion between Kyon and Haruhi in the evening of day five of the trip (Rome I). By the way, the Tanabata scene is a precursor to this one that also happens on a bridge (Ponte Vittorio Emanuele II). This is major turning point, marking the change from a mostly lighthearted adventure story to suspension/drama. The outcome is that Kyon realizes that he cannot proceed with a relationship as long as he must keep up the masquerade, but on the other hand breaking it won't probably make it any easier to proceed and could possibly make it even impossible. Of course, Kyon cannot still tell Haruhi exactly what it is that's between the two of them, and Haruhi only gets to know that there's something that Kyon considers 'an impossible situation' (a somewhat poor wording on Kyon's part) and the discussion ends in a stalemate when Kyon asks for some more time to consider his options.

On day six (Rome II), after Yasumi saves Kyon from IDSE she gives him the ticket that Haruhi had meant him to have in chapter 5. Kyon gives the ticket to Haruhi in the morning of day seven (Capri I) and tells her to figure it out herself. He does not tell Haruhi anything about the other brigade members at any point. Given all the information until that point, and taking into account the nature of Haruhi's power, she eventually comes to the conclusion that Kyon is a reality warper. This leads to the already mentioned discussion in the evening of day seven. Kyon is not content with the idea that it might become true if Haruhi believes so.

Why then is Haruhi unhappy with the idea, and what is the insight in it? First of all, if Kyon has been the reality warper all along -- and, as it appears to Haruhi, Kyon's completely aware of it -- then all the events ever since them meeting each other fall in a very different light that has unfortunate implications written all over. Furthermore, Haruhi has learned to like Kyon the way he is, and is actually slightly afraid of the possibility that he's something completely different, especially because she believes that Kyon being the reality warper is the 'impossible' obstacle that Kyon has been talking about. Through her mistake, she sees the situation from Kyon's perspective and realizes that supernatural phenomena aren't just harmless fun; once the mistake is corrected she can see the dilemma that Kyon has been facing all along, but doesn't know how to solve it.

As mentioned before, after the discussion one mistake still remains: Haruhi still believes that Kyon sees her power as the 'impossible' thing, when Kyon actually meant that her not knowing about it made things impossible, and this leads to the climax of the story where Haruhi hopes to solve the situation by exorcising her power, but the uncontained power wreaks havoc to the particular timeline they are in (as was described, they have been in an alternate, 'safe' pocket universe after the events of day six) and Kyon must correct the mistake and convince Haruhi to retain what power she still has to avoid the termination of the pocket universe.

That was a very bare-bones description of the event, and it didn't even touch the issue of how the other brigade members are related to it. If this outline raises any concerns or other opinions then I would be delighted to hear about them at this point, as it's much easier to work on the outline than the final text.